Ok, I met this girl

[musiclawyer]

She's really, really beautiful, nice, ostensibly intelligent enough to hold a good job (albeit one not requiring a college degree) and young (in her 20's)...... but frankly, she's overweight-- a lot--almost obese. I'd like to get to know her and teach her how to eat and excercise. But I'm afraid to broach the issue. I don't know if she'd be put off, or receptive, or what. Honestly, if she was receptive, I'd be highly interested romantically..... What would you do? And how would you do it?

[piece sine]

1. don't play Henry Higgins...

love the person as she is, not what you think you can mold her into.

[soleft]

5. I agree - you can't save someone who's capable of saving herself

People have probably been trying to get her to lose weight her entire life.

If you end up in a relationship, don't enable an eating disorder, but at the same time any changes she makes have to come from within her.

The best thing you can do is love her the way she is. And hey, didn't you say she was beautiful.

[TrogL]

2. Been there done that

It isn't going to happen.

She will lose the weight (or not) on her schedule and for her reasons, not yours.

[Larry Gude]

3. You are already...

...interested.

So, that's about it, right? You LIKE HER.

If time changes her habits because of your life style, fine. If not, you ALREADY like her.

[newyawker99]

26. Hi Larry Gude!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

4. This is a tough one because on the one hand, if you are really interested

then accept her as she is..on the other hand, she probably isn't thrilled that she is overweight.

I would wait until SHE brings it up and if she indicates she'd like to do something about it then offer to be her exercise/diet coach and take her out on dates that include physical exercise such as walks, hiking, bike riding etc.

[LynneSin]

7. I couldn't have said it any better

You like this girl enough to post about it on DU - she must be something special. Look at the entire package and not the one flaw. You could be missing out on something special.

[Another Bill C.]

6. My opinion

is that between the elitist thing (you mention no college degree) and the "remake" thing, your potential for making her miserable is about a number 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.

[indigo32]

8. I have to agree

sorry.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

9. As one who also has a post graduate degree, it is very very difficult to

be with people who refuse to use their brains. It isn't "elitist" to appreciate someone who works out the muscle between their ears. It has nothing to do with whether or not they have a degree and he admitted as much.

His potential for making her realize SHE is unhappy being overweight and to assist her if she is is also high. It just depends on HOW he does it and whether he does it to serve him or her.

[Another Bill C.]

15. I think

your header makes my case.

[Snow]

24. I think

you might want to reconsider your use of that term "elitist" - what you're implying, why you find "elitism" wrong. It's something to do with egalitarianism, I'd guess, but in what sense? We should celebrate our sameness and admit to no differences? I don't get it....

[indigo32]

16. But Teena

he didn't say she 'refused' to use her brain... he just made a comment on them. If he isn't attracted to her level of intelligence... so be it, but it appears he is attracted to her, and if he also has issues with her intelligence he could make her unhappy.
As for being overweight. Trust me, as a person who IS overweight, that is a very tricky area to play in. To the degree a persons feelings of attractiveness and sexuality are wrapped up in both their relationship and their being overweight, it's would be much better to have a neutral outsider give the assist that may be needed.

[soleft]

18. Diets and other external forces connected to weight loss

invariably trigger an internal "Fuck you" response.

That's my experience.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

22. Maybe I misread his opening statement.

I took it to mean she was intelligent enough to hold a good job even though the job required no formal degree, i.e. a PLUS where she was concerned for him.

I also cautioned that any conversation that focused on serving him rather than her where her weight was concerned would probably not go too well.

I can definitely see your point.

[Character Assassin]

23. As someone who really enjoys yams, I also find it very difficult

to spend time in the presence of those who refuse to think.

As someone with an MBA, I can definitively state that I am not fond of plaid fabrics.

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

32. yep

:)

[Screaming Lord Byron]

10. In the name of God! Don't. Go. There!

[DuctapeFatwa]

11. Wait for the girl whose weight you don't notice

She'll be the one who is waay too intelligent for any job you can imagine.

[THUNDER HANDS]

12. dude, big girls need love too

Trust me, big girls know how to give it better than you could ever imagine.

:)

[MissMillie]

28. lol... we have to try harder

no one wants us for our looks, so we put in more effort everywhere else.

[Kamika]

13. forget it

move on

[Blue_Chill]

14. OK people let's get this once and for all "humans are not projects....

for us to work on"

People are who they are, find one you like and leave the others in peace.

[mac56]

20. I agree, Blue_Chill.

People aren't reclamation projects.

[Frangible]

17. Sounds like it's not meant to be

I think it will just end unhappily from your feelings on it. Just not meant to be imo.

[yankeedem]

19. Sounds like you've got the weight problem

Try this on, and tell me how you would react if a girl wrote this about you:

"He's really nice, intelligent enough to hold a good job, but frankly, he's left-wing- really left wing. Almost a Kennedy. I'd like to get to know him and teach him about how great the Republican party is for America. Honestly, if he was receptive, I'd be interested romantically."

Figured it out now?

[Cleita]

21. I wouldn't worry about that right now.

The important thing is to get to know her. Maybe you might start by inviting her on a picnic or other venue that requires a little physical effort like a short hike through a nature preserve. It could lead to the subject of her being overweight where she can tell you how she feels about it.

I know everyone is going to say looks aren't important, but they are if that is the only thing keeping you from wanting to have sex with that person and overweight is something that can be fixed, especially with support from an friend.

[Throckmorton]

25. Send her to me, she sounds fine the way she is.

hubba hubba

[MissMillie]

27. If you can't be interested in her the way she is now

don't bother.

At some point we all lose our looks. What will you do when she's 50 and her metabolism slows down and she gains some weight and her breasts begin to sag, etc? Leave her?

[Paragon]

29. This girl met this guy

He's nice, ostensibly intelligent enough to hold a good job and older......but frankly, he's got a problem with weight -- a lot. She'd like to get to know him and teach him how to accept people as they are. But she's afraid to broach the issue. She doesn't know if he'd be put off, or receptive, or what. Honestly, if he was receptive, she'd be highly interested romantically..... What would you do? And how would you do it?

[chefgirl]

30. Beautiful and intelligent?

My guess is that if she's as intelligent as you think she is, then she doesn't need you to 'teach her how to eat and exercise'.
Quite possibly she's perfectly OK with her weight and has decided that any man who can't accept her for the way she is today isnt worth her time.
This is the second post about an overweight person I've responded to today. I used to have issues with weight myself (ironically, cooking for a living cured me of those) and frankly this kind of superficiality makes my brain hurt.
My humble opinion is that if you do decide to get involved with this woman, you would probably only make her unnecessarily unhappy because you will always be wishing she would conform to YOUR view of beauty.

Have you ever considered that maybe you dont conform to hers?

-chef-

[leftofthedial]

31. if you have to change them

it will never work

sigh

[idontwantaname]

33. yeah buster!

im going to add to this big ol list against changing her...

first off i dont see why so many people are itching to date "these days"...
what ever happened to getting to know someone?
why not just be friends with the girl.

chances are YOU and your advice wont help her lose weight... you could try "motivating" her but thats a life project in itself. just accept her and get over it.
you may like music and be a lawyer but are you some jude law or edward scissorhands?!

yeah.
me either...