An Aversion To Therapy.

[DIKB]

I have an aversion to the idea of therapy, as well as the lack of funds for it. Which seems to be a big problem. So I broke down and decided to come here, to my keyboard therapists.

My quandary

I’ve accepted that I may very well die alone. I used to fear this, now it just seems. . . inevitable. Women have lied to me, played their games with my head and heart, cheated on me, etc. It has worn me down to the point that I'm always exhausted, and tired of caring what any female might think. I have noticed a general anger at all females as a result. Women have made me so screwed up that I don't think I can ever be with one and be happy now. As a result I fill my life with interests such as politics, religion, philosophy, and other superficial things.

It's too easy to say, "Love is an illusion", too much of a lie when I have loved someone before. It’s not her fault that she didn’t love me; she loved someone else and is happy now. I have no right to be angry or feel badly about that. The dream of being "In love" with someone still exists, but that's all it is to me, a dream, as tangible as smoke on the wind. I've seen it in passing, admired it, but does it exist for me? I know some people will out of reaction say "You'll find someone." or whatever mindless drivel they always spew, empty words of comfort.

What do you do when you face the very real concept of being alone? Not solitude, being comfortable by yourself, but truly being lonely. How do you safely fill that hollowed out portion of your soul? I truly fear that I can't take much more of it. Putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable hurts too much to do it continuously. I've been on "hiatus", taking a break from it all for some time now. Sometimes at my darkest moments I just want to escape it all entirely. My family says that I need help, that I may need to see a therapist or something. I can’t really afford that option, and I’m not a dire enough case to warrant government help.

Am I too greedy? Is wanting to find someone that you want to be with, that also wants to be with you, too greedy, too picky? I don’t want to die alone, but I don’t want to have to settle to keep that from happening. I guess it all boils down to me. Am I that unlovable? That atrociously ugly? I guess that no one wants to be with me. If I change who I am, does it make me a liar? Believing in honor, I could never be comfortable with lying to get what I want (I’m no politician).

For now I feel like I’m treading water. Afraid to move because of what could happen, therefore unable to better my situation at all. I’ve considered a change of scenery, but if I move and nothing betters, then what? And so I stay where I am, treading water. Afraid to move, and afraid not to. Perhaps I’ll wait till I feel the need to move to do something, or I’ll just get so tired of it all I’ll just punch my own clock. These are things I could never tell my family, they’d flip out. They’re Catholic, and I’m agnostic, so our views differ in many respects. I’m not afraid of death, and sometimes speak lightly of it. I know if I spoke this way around them I’d feel immediately guilty about how I was making my mom sad. I feel pressured to act like everything is okay in my life. Is it that way for everyone? Is everyone secretly miserable and insecure? I sometimes wish everyone would just be real with each other. Sure honesty can be brutal at times, but I would much rather a woman to honestly reject me, rather than avoid my calls, another VERY sore point with women for me.

If you’re still reading at this point, thank you. I know it’s a lot of text and my mind just jumps everywhere. I’ve been known to take conversations into tangents off of tangents, sometimes ending up miles from where we started. If anyone has any actual advice I’d appreciate it.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. All the empathy in the world won't help

Invest in the therapy even if you can only go every two weeks...there's WAY too many issues in your post for anyone here to appropriately address.

[patrice]

2. I've always been sort of skeptical about therapy too, but I've realized

lately, how, even though it may not be for me, therapy can help some people by giving them a way to process their problems, maybe not solve the problem, but at least a way to work on problems, which can be a very valuable thing.

Hey, don't let women affect how you feel about yourself; I'm convinced that, if it weren't for sex, men and women wouldn't have that much to do with one another, we're that different, so our opinions about you are like the "opinion" a cat has about a car, ir-relevant.