DAMMIT every time I turn my back she gets drunk.

[Robb]

I'm starting to lose it.

Girlfriend works like a crazy person, and whenever she gets time off gets smashed. If I'm around, I can throttle things, but if I have to work BAM she hits the sauce and drama ensues.

"I've got every right to have a few beers on my one day off," etc.

I had a security gig this afternoon/evening, and she had an afternoon beer as I was leaving. Just got back, talked to her on someone else's phone I tracked her down on, dogs unfed, errands un-run, she's out partying, "Why don't you come down to the bar? There'z a ton of people here," and so on.

And there's no talking to her, especially right now. Damn damn damn damn darn damn... :eyes:

/end vent

[Floogeldy]

1. Sorry to hear it.

I once had a SO with a similar problem.

Emphasis on "once had."

[ogradda]

7. Ditto, ditto.

Finally got out of that mess and nothing but better days ever since. Shit it sux trying to control that crap.

[SoCalDem]

2. Lookout- to Titanic... ICEBERG!!!!

tHAT'S NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR, AND IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.:(

[lenidog]

3. I too once had a significant other just like that

the operative words are "once had."

[Floogeldy]

8. Would you please stop stealing my lines?

B-)

[lenidog]

9. You stole my line and also posted it before me

:P

[Floogeldy]

10. I apologize, Mr. McFly.

Mr. Marty McFly!

B-)

[Droopy]

4. Reminds me of the Zep tune

I got a woman stay drunk all the time. Hey, hey what can I do?

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do besides nag her until she decides for herself that she wants to quit. All you can do is love her and nag other than leaving her.

[skygazer]

5. That's a bummer

When it starts interfering with your life like that, it's become a problem. Don't know what to suggest - you can't make people stop drinking but you can let them know that their drinking is impacting your life.

Sounds like you definitely need to have a talk. :hug:

[mike_c]

6. dude, I was married to an out of control alcoholic...

...who'd been drinking heavily for like, 30 years. I won't go into how idiotic I was, both for getting involved in the first place, and for doing all the wrong things to try and deal with it. My advice-- cut your losses now. My secondary advice is that IF you want to continue this relationship, get your ass to Alanon now. Don't be freaked out by the 12 step bit if that's not your thing, and don't be concerned that most of the folks at the meeting are women. The point is, EVERYTHING you're doing to handle the situation is likely counterproductive, no matter how right it seems to you. I'm sorry, but you will undoubtedly come to agree someday. Alanon can help you with that if you're intent on staying involved.

It sounds like your GF needs some help, but YOU CANNOT get her that help. She has to do it herself, for her own reasons. In the meantime, you need coping strategies. You cannot change her behavior, so if you're going to stay involved, you have to change your own. That is the ONLY thing that will help. Believe me 'bro, I say this from the perspective of someone with way more experience than you ever want to have. I made every mistake possible, I think. You will too if you don't learn coping strategies that are not particularly intuitive.

Alanon. Look them up in your local phone book. Find a meeting and go to it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

on edit: just reading your post subject gives me the heebeegeebees. I've only been out of it for about six months.

[greatauntoftriplets]

11. Well said, Mike....

Robb, please listen to this man.

Sad for you, but....

[JVS]

12. Dump her sorry drunken ass!

[Gold Metal Flake]

13. Why are you doing this to yourself?

[intheozone]

14. She sounds like my son's ex-GF,

he finally broke it off with her, thankfully. She was really a nice girl but damn, she so needed to grow-up and get real. She wanted to party and drink all the damn time. My son was torn-up over the break-up, but they still are friends, he even convinced her to get some counseling. My son is so much happier now. He just didn't need the drama and crap that being with her brought.

You need to ask yourself if the drama and crap is really worth it. If the answer is no, do both of you a favor and end it now. It may be the wake-up call your GF needs to take long, serious look at how she is living her life.

But hey, just one mom's opinion. Good luck, hope you figure out what is right for you.

[salin]

15. Forgive me, but

didn't you recently (w/in the last year or two) get divorced? Perhaps you rushed into this one - sometimes the "rebound" relationship has an immediate function - but not a long-term one.

I recall reading of some serious dysfunction per the gf's sister/boyfrind and kids. Which among other things included substance abuse... maybe these are warning signs?

Sorry for the downer/serious response. But perhaps it is time to step back, evaluate, and ask whether this is really working for you?

[madmax]

16. Bluntly speaking.

Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. Tell her she has a drinking problem and she needs to do something about it for her own sake. Trust me, she may think she's normal.

She's headed for a shit load of heartache and misery. Been there, done that.

:hug:

[Robb]

17. ** Update...

Thanks for the responses, all. :grouphug:

Well, she had a rough enough morning today that I was able to set her down and we had the talk. Again, I should point out... and I pointed it out to her.

I said I loved her. I said I was worried. I said I didn't want to be having this talk again. I said I never wanted to again.

She said fine, she could quit drinking for a while... "I quit for two years once, you know."

"Yes," I said. "And look what good that did."

I said I didn't want a "break" from drinking. I didn't want her to do AA (which she's done before, to clearly stellar result).

I told her I was going to be around for a good long time, and she had to modify her behavior -- permanently -- or I wouldn't be there.

She said I was right, of course, and I didn't deserve this, etc. etc.

I asked her what she thought we should do. She suggested a two-drink maximum, an idea I liked. I asked her if she wanted me to be the Drink Cop, because I wasn't going to do that. She said she could take care of it. I said she would have to; then I asked her what she wanted me to say when she would say to me "Today's different, it's been a stressful week" or "But it's a special occasion." She said I wouldn't have to say anything.

I told her again I wouldn't play cop, this was her gig, and if she couldn't do it I wouldn't be there, I couldn't go through it. No more. Period.

Agreement reached, much love expressed, tears, hugs, smooches, and then a good nap.

How'd I do?

[greatauntoftriplets]

21. She won.

You lost.

Now -- no matter how many drinks she has -- she will insist it was only two to shut you up.

Sorry to sound cruel, but.....

[Robb]

24. No, not sounding cruel.

...And I'll admit I think this has a 50/50 shot at best of working.

The fact of the matter is she can ski a biathlon with six drinks in her... two, I won't even know she's been drinking. Practically. ;)

But teetotalling didn't do anything. We'll see how this goes.

[rppper]

47. you're still playing the role of enabler........

and she is feeding you a line of BS a mile long and a mile wide. that was the disease talking to you, not your girlfriend. that you are "allowing" her those two drinks is justification in her mind to continue skipping down her destructive path.....6 months? i give it 6 weeks or less....sorry to sound so blunt, but that's the nature of the beast....i have many years of experience working with drunks and addicts to back my words up. the amount she needs to get smashed is not the concern here...it is the drinking period. she won...she still gets to drink and you are still left with the results. she will not stop at two....

do you know what the number one answer to police officers is when people are pulled over for suspected DUI and asked how many drinks they have had?.....two.....just food for thought....

whatever the case, she needs help and you seem to want to be the knight in shining armor...so get her the help she needs...we have the marchman act in Florida, a petition to have an suspected addict or drunk be seen by a counselor or therapist and if they are deemed to have a problem, eventually a judge and a trip to rehab for two months. sounds draconian, but it avoids the person in question from getting into legal problems further down the road...it isn't a criminal proceeding, just an order from a judge, parents and friends to get help. i am sure there are similar measures in every state...use it if so.

a trip to alanon for yourself wouldn't hurt either...it will show you everything you want to know(or didn't want too...) about enabling and tough love. the further you allow her to go, the harder it is in the long run to get her to stop permanently. addicts lie...and addicts are smart liars. the two drink limit is an appeasement to you, and i suspect it is a lie...she knows it too.

again...sorry to sound so negative, but there is nothing positive about a drinking problem or drug addiction. i see a lot of negative responses to AA or 12 step programs, so i am going to risk a flaming by quoting some NA "propaganda"....alcohol is a drug...period...and her current path will lead to jails, institutions and ultimately death. don't be scared to intervene further if her self imposed "limit" fails. she will probably hate you at first...they always do...but if she truly wants to get help, she will come to realize it in the long run. good luck to you. i certainly don't envy your position.....

[caty]

44. That's true.

They only make deals like a 2 drink minimum to pacify you for awhile. Tell her you don't want to live like this anymore. Break it off and tell her you hope she gets some real help. Cutting down on drinking isn't going to help--she needs to quit completely. Drinking problems only get worse with time. I have had several friends who got divorced over drinking problems and everyone of them had a "deal" for a while--and of course the "deal" never stuck. You can't help her, she has to help herself.

[LastKnight]

22. sounds like a good arrangement.

but will only work if you both follow through on it. and thats the only case on which it will be good.

youre right, you cant be the cop, then it isnt promoting any change within herself.

and i think you should maybe suggest that at least for awhile, anyway, that the two drinks per day have to be relativley light ones... at least until the 2 drink limit becomes second nature. but that may spark another fight... which the relationship might not be able to handle at this point.

best of luck to you, my friend.

[salin]

26. Good luck with that

but the next time (and I venture to guess there will be, as there is a history that predates you - and you shouldn't put yourself into the mindset that when she messes up its because she doesn't care enough about you or her promise to you)... is it going to be more drama (your very first complaint)... or is it going to be the final drama?

Just saying that when you make such an ultimatem - you have to think through as if the other person will not live up to it and how you will respond.

[Robb]

27. Thanks

Final drama. I'm there, she knows it. She's naturally a good self-motivator -- she does "adventure racing" -- so if it can be done, and it's hard, it usually appeals.

Again, we'll see.

[maveric]

28. Hate to say it but she'll be sneaking drinks. My brother's ex drank

heavily and it brought many knock-down, drag-out fights between them for years. He confronted her and she agreed to only drink O'Doul's non-alcoholic beer. Funny thing was that she was always having to run to 7/11 for smokes, milk, newspapers... She go to the store buy 3,16 oz Buds and chug them down, coming home drunk. There was no compromise anymore.

Your SO has a drinking problem and SHE has to make the move to quit/get help.
You can either 1. be a "drink cop" and monitor her. 2. Sit back and let her drink. 3.Get out of the relationship, because it will not be fun or comfortable for you.

[Blue_In_AK]

33. The two-drink minimum won't work...

Been there, done that (not to be trite).

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

49. WHo knows? What it takes to change self destructive behaviour

is different for everyone. I hope it did the trick.

Lead with your heart.

[Robb]

50. Exactly

I mean, people seem to forget who we're talking about giving up binge drinking for here... (points to self). :puffpiece:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

52. Me to. Been there, done that....

Love is precious even when flawed. Many forget that.

[AlCzervik]

18. i'm sad for her and you but she won't get help until she bottoms out

most likely. I hope for her sakes that happens soon. I've seen family members and friends go through the same thing, some have finally gotten the help they need and some unfortunately did not. I wish you both well.

[radwriter0555]

19. She's an alcoholic and you're enabling her. You BOTH need to go to AA

if you want to knock it off and stop the drama.

[Robb]

20. See #17

AA has come and gone, several years of it in fact. Problem drinking remains.

[radwriter0555]

39. Well then I guess you like it.

Otherwise, you wouldn't stick around.

[Maddy McCall]

40. That's NOT fair.

Perhaps he loves HER. It is possible for alcoholics to recover. She may fail this time, but he is giving her one last chance. He sounds firm in the condition he set for her. I believe if she fucks it up, he will leave.

He's been great to her and to her child. He doesn't deserve such sarcasm from DUers.

[Robb]

42. Thanks, MM

Prevailing wisdom seems to be that no one is worth some effort.

She is.

Interestingly, so am I. :)

[radwriter0555]

55. Past behavior is an excellent indicator of future behavior. I've been

there and done that too.

She's not interested in changing. He knows that.

So apparently he's comfortable enough with the behavior to know deep down it won't change, but it's what he's used to.

Might not be fair, but sometimes people need a massive dose of reality to put themselves -- and the people they love -- on the right path...

Sweet talking doesn't solve serious addiction issues.

[Robb]

57. Someday I hope to gain your mindreading skills

and wisdom.

In the meantime, I'll just say not everyone is the same as everyone else. :hi:

[radwriter0555]

58. It's basic psychology. There is nothing assumptive about the situation,

it's very clear cut and dry.

Alcoholism is an addiction and needs to be treated as such. Sweet words accomplish nothing. The truth is very painful, and needs to be faced head on.

[southlandshari]

35. Agreed.

You've heard from people who've been in your shoes before. Let me tell you as someone who has been in your girlfriend's shoes before - she'll tell you anything to smooth things over. If her drinking has been as out of control as you describe, a two-drink minimum (or any other amount) is a joke. She'll go underground with her drinking, and you'll start finding bottles or cans in the most unlikely of places.

Has her drinking caused her pain, embarrassment or other problems in recent months? I'll bet it has. It has certainly caused you pain, the person she claims to love. Have you asked yourself, "why does she do this shit, when she knows it upsets me (or causes problems, etc)?" I'll bet you have.

For alcoholics, drinking one drink opens some little trap door in the back of the mind that says, "more, more, more!" The confusing thing is, that sometimes, some alcoholics can close that trap door and drink responsibly. But those times get fewer and further between with the years.

If you love her, don't negotiate on this point. She's an alcoholic, and she knows it. And I'm thinking you do, too. AA is a great program for some people. It's definitely not the only one. Do some homework, try something different, like Rational Recovery, if you aren't comfortable with the 12 step model. The one thing you shouldn't do is bend or try to meet her in the middle on her drinking. It needs to stop completely. Period.

I'm not trying to be judgmental. I am telling you that, as someone who has been where she is, I have an undying love for the person who laid that law down with me, after others had enabled me for decades. It wasn't pleasant when he did it, but he stuck to it, and probably saved my life.

FWIW, I am not a tee-totaler these days. But I was for a while - and needed to be. And believe me, a clean break from the booze is what your girlfriend has got to face. It will be like amputating a limb for her, cutting off something that is a part of her life, her culture her personality. It is scary, and people who've never been there tend to minimize that, not understanding the mental and emotional impact this can have.

Best of luck - let me know if I can help!

[madmax]

43. Excellent post, shari

Sometimes the person with the problem is the last to know. Some of us thought we were crazy until someone who cared spelled it out for us.

'Who ME!!?? Drinking problem!!! I work, I own a home, I'm responsible, etc., etc.' Yada, yada.

Robb, I wish you both the best of luck. :hug:

[southlandshari]

46. Thanks!

Sounds like you've been there, done that, too...

:pals:

[earthboundmisfit]

23. Wow, you sound like a great guy with a super forgiving heart -

and I hope she listens to you from her heart, because she's lucky to have someone like you. Here's hoping that she'll come around and all will work out great for you two.
That said - something I've learned from observing, and participating in, relationships of all kinds through the years: Whatever substance is involved - or none at all - if your partner often goes out partying without you, it is not a hopeful sign. In fact it may not be the drinking that's the big attraction, but the "partying" itself. When she gets loaded is it almost always when she's down at the bar with other people, or does it happen more often when she's at home, by herself or with you? Just something to ponder to maybe help solve this situation.
Best hopes & wishes to you, stay strong.

edited:'cuz I cain't spel gud

[BiggJawn]

25. Thanks, Robb...

Every once a while I get to feeling sorry for myself that I live alone and don't really have anyone to talk to but for my Goldfish, and I start thinking that maybe I'd like to move in with my girlfriend and become joined at the hip and committed and all that stuff, and I'm sad and get all maudlin and shit because it ain't but me and the goldfish and all my bicycles, and GAWD, it sucks to be alone....

Then I read a post like yours...

Hope you get something worked out betwixt you two....

[Seneca]

29. She is an alcoholic

The denial and the EXCUSES, particularly "nothing wrong with beer on my day off", etc., SCREAM "ALCOHOLIC".

AA is not your answer (they are a cult as much as Scientology, substituting one crutch with another), dumping her is. You owe it to yourself to live a life much more fulfilling and as free as possible of pain and drama. Let her go. She will hopefully find a way to confront her problem later in life, but do not be a martyr and try to save her.

You will thank me further down the line if you dump her NOW.

[lfairban]

34. I agree about AA

See Alcoholics Anonymous: Cult or Cure?

For an enlighting annalysis of Alcoholic behavior, see Games People Play : The basic handbook of transactional analysis

[yardwork]

37. AA works for many people - I know that from personal experience

The point is that the woman won't stop drinking until she's willing to admit that she has to stop drinking. And then she has to stop. For real.

Nobody can get anybody else to stop drinking. It's up to the alcoholic. Again, I know this from personal experience.

I wish you the best of luck, Robb. My one piece of advice is this - take care of yourself. You probably think her drinking won't drag you down, but you might get an unpleasant surprise.

I say this as a recovering alcoholic raised by alcoholic parents.

[ovidsen]

48. AA isn't a cult.

For starters, it doesn't demand money. It has no priests, wizards or formal hierarchy.

And you don't have to rigorously follow its 12 step program. It's encouraged, but not mandatory. Hell, you can show up drunk at most AA meetings and you won't be kicked out unless you're a real asshole.

All AA offers is a community of people who want to stop drinking. Folks with alcohol problems find support from fellow sufferers.

I do agree that Robb's SO is an alcoholic. She has to choose between him and the bottle. If she chooses the bottle, he can choose to leave, and I'd strongly suggest that.

I, too have been there, and both of them have my sympathy.

[CanuckAmok]

30. Hey, she just wrote a hit play! Isn't she entitled to a little drinky...

...to unwind?

Next you're going to say you don't know what OR scrubs are.

[JVS]

31. Robb is dating Max Fischer?

[Blue_In_AK]

32. Robb, I'm so sorry to hear this...

Having spent most of my adult life married to alcoholics (thank God I snapped out of it) I really feel for you. As much as it may hurt, you might want to seriously think about getting out of this relationship. It's just not worth it to put yourself through all the drama that is sure to follow.

[supernova]

36. Man, it really burns me to see a nice guy like you

be roped into this tragifarce, Robb.

Most alcoholics promise time and again to stop drinking, but they never do. Bottom line: They love getting drunk more than they love you.

It takes a major life screw up for them to realize differently. I can't say whether that will happen to her or not. I don't know her and I don't know you IRL.

But I do know that the people who successfully quit do it for themselves, because they want to be healthy and whole, not for the people in their lives.

I'm sorry to see you in this situation Robb. I think you're a nice guy and you deserve better than the treatment you are getting.

[southlandshari]

38. I posted upthread

Just wanted to add that I'll be thinking of both of you in the coming days - I wish you both the best in a very difficult situation.

:hi:

[tjwash]

41. You two aren't married right? And you have separate everything?

No dual owned property, no shared checking, savings and retirement?

If that's the case, tell her buh-bye, pack up and leave. I used to be married to an alcoholic, and saw the warning signs much like the ones you are describing, and chose to ignore them. After we got married, and had joint everything, I watched her slowly drink and snort it all away.

Life's too short dude...

[Nikia]

45. She has to decide that she wants to stop drinking

She has to realize that alcohol is a destructive force in her life and that it will only lead to problems and maybe even death. Until she really can believe these things, she will remain an alcoholic. You really have nothing to do with this. It is all about her and her choices for her life.
I think that the 2 drink compromise deal is bad. If she needs to drink everyday, be it 2 drinks or 20, she already has a serious problem. She definitely needs a break from alcohol, perhaps even permanently. Just because she has failed in the past doesn't mean that she cannot succeed, but she has to make the decision for herself to not want to drink. She can't just quit drinking and want to drink all the time if she is to stay sober.

[Kenneth ken]

51. good on you

I think she has been pretty good for you over the past, since your divorce; it's good you're willing to take some effort to help her with this apparent problem. This is the first thread I've read about her being less than pretty terrific.

I guess the only advice I can offer is that you have to decide for yourself how much harm this is doing to you, her and your relationship. She also has to make that decision for her, you and your relationship. If you get to the point where it is too much, and you have to leave, wish her well, but close that door firmly and finally. If she pulls herself together, I wish you both many happy and joyous years.

:hug:

[Scout1071]

53. Just playing Devil's Advocate here, but you mentioned

that she works "like a crazy person" and she says "I've got every right to have a few beers on my day off."

I'm sorry, but if she only has one day off a week and she wants to enjoy a COUPLE of beers on that day off, I don't think she's an alcoholic. Sounds like she wants to get out and have some fun.

I don't know the entire situation and it could be much more than I'm reading into it, but I know I'm not going to sit in judgement of a woman that I don't know, who you admit works 6 days a week - I'm not going to sit in judgement of her for having a few drinks one night a week.

Having said that, I hope you work out your differences.

[NashVegas]

54. Best Face Up, Robb

Your girl is an alcoholic.

Your choices:

Leave, or stay and be supportive, and hope.

Because you've not yet committed yourself to marriage or anything, I think the key question is: do you still find reasons to love this woman when she is drunk? If not, I'd recommend high-tailing it, you'll both suffer in the long run.

[BlondieK143]

56. Good luck Robb!

It's obvious that you love her a great amount, so you did what you had to in the situation. It's still in her court, but you put yourself out there and I personally think you did a great job. Hang in there and let us know how it goes! :hug:

[Wickerman]

59. Best to you Robb

sorry to hear you got this going on. If you love her stick with her but I really do agree with the folks who suggested Alanon. You need to learn how to deal with the shit she is surely going to throw at you.
Chances are that she will drink again. But, folks can and do change. I celebrated my 6th year of sobriety yesterday - that said I can't guarantee that I will never drink again. You yourself seem to have given up binge drinking. People change, people don't change, you never really know, but get some support.

Best of luck to you, man.