I think I upset my co-worker---now I am know as a "child-hater"

[rene moon]

A few of us went to lunch today and my co-worker was talking about how her niece is graduating form Kindergarten today and her school is having a graduation for them tonight at 7pm.

I stated that I thought it was stupid to have a graduation ceremony for kindergarten kids. I mean, they are just going to 1st grade---isn't it to supposed to be the parents who prop up their self-esteem? What's the whole point of this, it is a waste of time to me.

I didn't have one and I don't recall going to my younger sisters' kindergarten graduation.

So, she said "oh, I forgot---Natalie is a child-hater. She doesn't like kids"

I said, "No, I don't hate them. But I think these things are silly, that's all".

She then said that my views are "way out there".

When we got back to work, she said to other staff, "Watch out, Natalie may tell you she thinks your kids are stupid".

So, now I'm back here at my desk, hiding out.

Help?


edit: This her niece---she doesnt have kids of her own

[matcom]

1. tell her *I* think her kids are stupid

that should settle it

[hvn_nbr_2]

65. Tell her I think her mother's kids are stupid. n/t

[Lars39]

2. Sounds like she's making a hostile workplace for you.

[VelmaD]

3. Well, if her kids are stupid it's only because...

she is. She obviously has comprehension issues. :eyes:

[Sequoia]

4. Put up a "Chuckie" poster, that'll scare 'em!

[benburch]

File a formal greivance for harassment

This is creating a hostile workplace environment.

[Psst_Im_Not_Here]

5. I'd have to say

Over-react much? (to her, not you!)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

6. Practice this response..repeat it early and often

"How nice!"

[Blue in a Red State]

26. I prefer

"Isn't that special?" ;)

[salin]

41. a variant of that one: Now isn't that something.

leaves the definition of "something" up to the listener and the speaker.

[Blue in a Red State]

52. That's even better! n/t

[ronnykmarshall]

32. You must be thinking of the same joke I am.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

34. You KNOW I am :)

[Name removed]

7. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

8. Just as a general tip.

Whenever someone brings up their kids, unless they burn down their school, "That's nice" is really the only good response. And even if they do burn down the school, that might be the best response anyway.

[MissB]

15. Yep. Religion, politics, and children.

The three subjects you just leave the hell out of the workplace.

[blondeatlast]

36. Precisely--that's what DU is for! nt

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

27. Right.. don't say anything if you can't say something good.

BTW, it doesn't matter whether it's the woman's kid or niece. You offended her because you implied that this event, which is apparently very important to her and her family, is stupid and unimportant.

[maxsolomon]

9. fuck em. you are right

school is not a caucus race where "everyone has won, so all must have prizes".

kindergarten? they won't remember it. and why force every parent to give up another evening to school (like there won't be 1,000 more before high school graduation) so that a few can videotape & photograph their precious darlings "graduating"?

i didn't graduate elementary school, i didn't graduate middle school. no one did.

[Demit]

10. SHE sounds like the kindergartener. Just smile & say nothing.

You will retain the (adult) high road. She'll get tired and have to go down for her nap eventually.

[Solly Mack]

11. Point blank ask her why she chooses to lie about what you actually said

You could be nice about it and call it a misrepresentation of what you said...but fact is, she's lying about what you said. Finding a graduation ceremony for 5 & 6 year olds stupid does not equate to hating kids. Nor is it saying kids are stupid.

If she gets offended at being called a liar, tell her she shouldn't lie then.

Course, you do have to work with this idiot. So maybe someone else has a nicer way of handling it. I don't deal with workplace ignorance very diplomatically.

[Gyre]

12. I've got a kindergartener

and I think it's stupid too. But I think the advice to practice saying "how nice" would be useful for when you really want to say "how stupid". Honesty can definitely hurt you in social settings.

Gyre

[bertha katzenengel]

13. Oh, Give. Me. A. Break.

This woman needs to quit thinking it's all about her. :eyes:

[Name removed]

14. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Left Is Write]

16. Thinking a kindergarten graduation ceremony is stupid is NOT

the same as thinking children are stupid. Also, your views are not "out there."

As for kindergarten graduations - they're not new. They didn't do it at my school, but my mother has pictures of her kindergarten graduation (complete with white cap and gown) in 1945.

However, a word to the wise: When someone has just finished telling you that a child they love is about to participate in a ceremony you think is stupid, it might be better to say nothing. No one likes to be told that something they are excited about/interested in is stupid. Even if you really think it is.

[rene moon]

24. Yeah, I should have thought about it

I tend to open my mouth right when my opinion hits my brain. I always talk before I think---always have.

[tjwash]

35. Do what I do.

Grunt and nod, never letting your gaze go up from your computer screen.

[vduhr]

17. I would go to her supervisor

Before filing a grievance, I would go to her supervisor and tell the supervisor. She certainly is creating a hostile work environment.

[tjwash]

18. Don't do anything, just pity her. She obviously has every ounce of her...

...self esteem tied up in her little brood. She's probably the type of parent you see at the little league, or youth soccer games that is taking them WAYYYYY too seriously.

[cestpaspossible]

19. File a formal greivance with her boss.

Chances are, management frowns on people spreading malicious lies about coworkers.

[LisaL]

39. For goodness sake. The poster is not in kindergarten to go

tattle tale on her co-workers every time they say something she doesn't like. As for the co-worker-I also agree. Just say "it's nice" from now on to whatever the little brat of a niece is going to be doing and it's all gonna be fine.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

43. I love your response.

:)

[cestpaspossible]

61. So you think malicious lies about a coworker are A-OK?

not something management should be concerned with?

[LisaL]

70. Malicious lies? Management to be concerned?

Do you think it's possible to solve workplace problems without involving human resources? Is this the kind of problem that requires management? They were having a conversation. If I run to human resources every time I disagreed with a co-worker, I would probably spend most of my time there.

[cestpaspossible]

71. Yeah malicious lies - this has nothing to do with 'disagreeing'

with a coworker. If you prefer to play games with your coworkers instead of working that's your choice, but I don't think getting management involved in managing the workplace is really a bizarre idea.

[hfojvt]

20. how nice

"Listen, my boy, I can't abide children. I know its the style nowadays to make a terrible fuss over you - but I don't go for it. I simply have no use for children. As far as I am concerned, they're no good for anything but screaming, torturing people, breaking things, smearing books with jam and tearing the pages. It never dawns on them that grown-ups have their troubles and their cares."
Carl Conrad Coreander "The Neverending Story" p. 6

Print that out and post it on your cubicle. Either that, or say things like "I never said I didn't like kids, I said I didn't like your kids!" or "I do think her kids are stupid, if they take after their mother."

This is good-natured razzing, right? So dish it right back. Either that or hide until it blows over. Stay on task and keep busy.

[China_cat]

21. That'll happen right here on DU

if you dare to voice the opinion that there are times in your life you'd prefer not to have to deal with kids.

Doesn't matter if you're the mother T of childhood, just try saying you'd like to go see an R rated movie that people didn't bring their toddlers to.

[GalleryGod]

22. Sounds like a Proctologist's DREAM to me!

ASSSSSSSSSSSSssssshole!:kick:
Watch out..Natalie's gonna kick yer asssssssssss!:spank: :kick:

[Bridget Burke]

23. Please, don't have lunch with her again.

Working with her is bad enough.

[youthere]

25. I say embrace it..

Be known as "The Child Hater" and they won't try to get you to buy into every freakin fundraiser the "little darlings" participate in, or listen to all those mind numbing stories about the non-talent little junior is gifted in. Cripes! I've got kids and that drove me up the wall. (And I think the kindergarten graduation thing is stupid too.)Take this picture:



and have it blown up and hang it by your desk.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

28. If it weren't for kindergarten graduations, helf of FreeRepublik

couldn't claim to have diplomas. :evilgrin:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

29. If it weren't for kindergarten graduations, helf of FreeRepublik

couldn't claim to have diplomas. :evilgrin:

[tjdee]

30. In "The Incredibles", Mr. Incredible makes that point. And he likes kids!

Dash is having his fourth grade "graduation", and Jack goes off, saying that they're finding new ways to celebrate mediocrity, because fourth grade doesn't really need an official function.

Plus, my kid doesn't get graduation from Kindergarten!!!
:cry:

[LoZoccolo]

31. Tell her you don't think kids should be allowed in restaurants.

The sit-down ones, at least.

[graywarrior]

33. She is "shaming" you. Don't let her.

[rene moon]

45. Yeah, she's done it before

When I told her once that I really didn't want kids, she told me that I was weird. Occasionally she say something about my "kid-hating" ways---but in a joking manner


Normally we get along, she's just really conservative about some issues, kids being one of them.

[cestpaspossible]

63. Exactly - it's not acceptable workplace behavior

and if you don't do anything about it, it will be repeated and probably escalate.

[Missy Vixen]

37. Talk to HR about it

You'll need to start documenting every time this woman says anything about your supposedly hating children, exaggerates or lies about what you have said, etcetera. She's creating a hostile work environment for you.

In the meantime, I agree with those who have already mentioned the words "how nice". There's another shop owner in the building I lease in that cannot get through a day, let alone a 15-minute increment, without constant discussion/bragging about her early 20's daughter. It is so tiresome and unrelenting that everyone in the building tunes her out and acknowledge the latest "N. cured cancer/prevented male pattern baldness/is a better cook than Martha Stewart," with "oh, how nice".

If you want to take it up a notch, smile and say, "Why is this your business?" The best revenge will be a big promotion or different job; you won't have to deal with her anymore.

Julie

[LisaL]

42. Human resources? Aren't you taking it to the extreme?

Are you supposed to run to human resources every time you have a problem with a co-worker? Do you think that's going to improve the work environment, if your co-workers know you run and rat them out every time they say something? Do you think the co-workers will like her more for this? I would say deal with it in a nice manner, and don't offend the lady when she is talking about the niece. I mean, the ceremony is not stupid for the parents of the child or the aunt.

[Missy Vixen]

49. It's better to be proactive than reactive

>Are you supposed to run to human resources every time you have a problem with a co-worker? Do you think that's going to improve the work environment, if your co-workers know you run and rat them out every time they say something?<

It's better for the poster in question to get HR into the loop. The co-worker in question is scapegoating and bullying her; this is unacceptable behavior in any workplace. It should be addressed by HR. The poster also needs to keep written records of date, place, what was said to her.

Julie

[LisaL]

56. Like a secret police or what?

She is supposed to keep record? For what? They had a conversation. What would you think about this co-worker lady if she went to human resources and complained about what was said to her about the "stupid" ceremony? It doesn't sound to me like anything that should be reported to human resources. Aren't it possible to have conversations with your co-workers without reporting them?

[rene moon]

58. To be fair, we were not in the office

We were having sushi. So, neither of us could go to HR about it.

[LisaL]

60. Your co-worker seems like a person without the sense of humor.

Just try to ignore her from now on...

[Missy Vixen]

64. Rene, I must have misunderstood

JMHO, but I would keep track of the stuff that's said in the office.

Julie

[Lars39]

67. From your OP, though, it sounds like she continued it at the office.

When we got back to work, she said to other staff, "Watch out, Natalie may tell you she thinks your kids are stupid".

[LeftyMom]

38. I must hate kids too then

because I think they're stupid, too.

Any child of five or six (assuming they aren't learning disabled or something, and aren't being rushed into education before they're ready) should know thier letters and numbers and basic social skills anyhow. The smart ones should read, the more average ones should be well on thier way. Having aquired those skills after a year of effort isn't an achievment, failing to do so would be worrisome and a bit embarassing.

[rene moon]

40. I feel the same way

I guess I shouldnt have told her it was stupid though. i think I hurt her feelings and I hate doing that.

[seaglass]

44. I thought it was really stupid when my son had a 4th grade

graduation and when I went to it, I was right, it was stupid. You're not "out there" and your remark doesn't sound like child-hating to me.

[Tsiyu]

46. People do a lot of things I don't get

Like taking their pets to get portraits made with Santa Claus and washing their cars every single day and eating Sushi.

To each his own, I say. I'm 46 and we had Kindergarten graduations and Brownie ceremonies and various pomp and pageantry for the younger set when I was a kid. It's probably not necessary, but is a nice touch to mark a child's moving from "preschooler" to "grade schooler."

We really never know how much time we have with our kids. Celebrating these milestones is a nice way to build family memories for some parents. Nature urges every parent to view their own child as special. Any parent here understands that concept.

She overreacted, but it's probably better not to share our distate for something another finds enjoyable. To each his own.

Flame on, I'm sure....

[LisaL]

50. Hey, now it's very cute to have a portrait of your kitty or doggy

with a Santa Claus. Why are you such a pet hater?
:evilgrin:

[Tsiyu]

55. Well, I have to say that my cousins who actually do this

with their pets ALSO make a big deal out of my kids' milestones, so I can't roll my eyes too much at them. And I would never say they were stupid for doing so because they are bigger than me.

And it is cute. Just one of those "Why?" moments for me personally;)

[rene moon]

51. maybe but

Do parents even remember these things? My mom doesnt---I asked her. Hell, I dont even remmeber my own all that well. It was along time ago.

[Tsiyu]

57. Probably not

And I always admire an honest person.

Unfortunately, honesty can be taken as hostility by someone who has their heart close to a matter. She probably thought you were being intentionally cruel, mocking her niece's graduation.

She'll get over it.

[Blue Diadem]

47. Call her on her lies about you,

I would have asked her why she was telling lies about you, that you did not say kids are stupid, that you did not say you hate children. I would then ask how she arrived at her conclusion from a simple statement about a graduation ceremony. Make her explain herself.

Two of my kids had kingergarten graduations way back when. One did not because he attended a different school. My granddaughter is just finishing kindergarten and they aren't having a graduation. She did have one for pre-school which was cute, but way too long, kids were uncomfortable and were made to perform little solos. Lots of crying tired kids that night.

[Midlodemocrat]

48. I think the Kindergarten and preschool graduations are kind of cute.

The ones I can't stand are the 5th and 8th grade ones. Suffering through two hours in a hot 'cafetorium' while each kid parades up just to get his report card is a supreme waste of time to me.

[tjwash]

53. Graduations in general are stupid and a waste of time.

Yippee!!! Throw your little hat in the air. I've graduated!

Yeah Skippy, time to join the real world now.

Oh, by the way, the job you trained for in college for all those years has been outsourced to Calcutta, and no one will hire you, so go ahead and take a crappy minimum wage job that's not even in your field that your gonna hate and let the self loathing start to build from there.

Don't you think we should postpone that crap from little kids as long as possible?

[HEyHEY]

54. Graduation for Kindergarten is stupid - so are kids, especially her niece

[proud2BlibKansan]

59. At least they aren't having a prom

A school in our district not only had a 3rd grade graduation but also had a prom!! Yep, I said 3rd grade.

[rene moon]

62. That is so dumb!!!

ARGH

[rene moon]

66. kicking for me!

[yellowdogintexas]

68. sometimes best thing is to just ignore it all.

You could find out why she felt it was necessary to exaggerate your conversation to others in the office..and you could tell her that you did not ever mean to hurt her feelings or tell her that what her family does is unimportant or trivial...just that you thought a kindergarten graduation was a bit much, and you never meant it to be personal.

I do not think it is an HR issue ...

[Redstone]

69. If somebody else enjoys something, it's always a good

policy to let them enjoy it, even if you don't.

Why rain on anyone's parade? Let them have their fun; it doesn't diminish your life to do so, does it?

Redstone

[UncleSepp]

72. Try apologizing. You hurt her feelings and she's acting out.

It's true that you didn't objectively do anything wrong, but if you want to actually repair the relationship, it's a good place to start. Be the bigger person here, and approach her with an apology for having been insensitive about her niece's kindergarten graduation. You were honest, but you were also rude, putting your opinion above her feelings. Your rudeness doesn't excuse her rudeness, but that's the funny thing about etiquette - you can only control your own.

A little grad-themed trinket might be a good gift, to smooth the waters. You might also ask her how the graduation went, or ask every so often how the niece is doing.