A Republican's First Time - A Short Story

[Joey Liberal]

My First Time

By Shemp Hannity

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. Very drunk. I had just left a Young Republicans meeting, and I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman with very large breasts behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said," "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it . She unhooked her bra that had little pictures of Rush Limbaugh on it, and laid it aside. I had a raging erection. Her breasts were huge and had Harley Davidson tattoos on them. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. I wondered what Ronald Reagan would have done in this situation.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties with the stars and bars on them, and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time, O'Reilly is on soon." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few seconds . She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did."

And held up my thumb to show her.

And then I went home to watch the Christian Broadcast Network.

[tigereye]

1. oh that's evil

I like it. :evilgrin:

(despite the safe sex problem)

[sakabatou]

2. BWAHAH!

[dolo amber]

3. *shudder*

:puke:

I'm going to go rinse my eyeballs in boiling acid now... x(

[politicaholic]

4. That's verrrrry funny...

Shemp Hannity...I likey.

:rofl:

[jmowreader]

5. Funny...and not funny

I was the VD NCO for the 209th MI Company. In Korea, the VD NCO's duties include making sure the box of free rubbers on the CQ desk is never empty, and going downtown with anyone who catches VD so you can confiscate the VD card of the hooker who gave it to him.

The 524th MI's VD NCO went on leave to the states for two weeks, so I had to cover for him. No problem; the 209th didn't have one case of the clap the entire time I was in the company (due largely to the fact that everyone in the company was an MI soldier, and MI soldiers will pay extra for higher-quality prostitutes as opposed to mechanics and supply people who shop on price), so I had plenty of time.

Comes Monday morning and there were six guys waiting to report to the VD NCO. The first guy walks in and shuts the door. OMG this guy was stupid.

"Okay, who'd ya go to?" (Names a brothel on Hooker Hill that was infamous for giving you antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea AND syphilis on the same visit. And we TOLD these dipshits this. We even had a strip map of Itaewon. "If you're out trying to buy (sex), go to the Flower Shop or the Heavy Metal Club because the girls are clean there. We know most of the places on the down side of Hooker Hill are at least semi-acceptable, but if you go to the places on the up side of it, or to any of the little bars on Fish Alley, your dick will rot off." Well, at least this guy got his money's worth.)

"Did you know that the Army provides free condoms to all soldiers, no questions asked?" (He did.)

"Did you take any of the free condoms?" (He did.)

"Did you have a condom with you when you went into this place?" (He did.)

"Did she put it on you, or did you put it on yourself?" (He put it on himself--he didn't want her touching him with her hands because he "didn't trust her." Yes, this IS a tipoff that this is not the girl you want to spend the night with.)

"How did you put it on?" (I figured he'd be like the guy we learned about in VD school, who liked to unroll the condom then pull it on like it was a sock. Or that he'd be a guy who was too embarrassed to be seen picking up a new pack, and used them over and over again. Wrong! 'Just like you guys taught us.' Oh no..."Please don't tell me you put the rubber over your fingers." He did.)

I am not going to bullshit y'all: this guy honestly did not know condoms go on your dick.