Free star to the poster who makes me laugh the hardest before midnight....

[bettyellen]

the clock is ticking...... get funny guys.

[democracyindanger]

1. Instead of the boxing glove

the admins should've had Chimp on a bicycle.

[specimenfred1984]

2. 2 Flys Are Eating a Terd...

and 1 cuts a fart.

The other fly says, "Hey, can't ya see I'm eatin here!?!"

[bettyellen]

3. i laughed, but i didn't spit.....

but your name is great, so try again, please!

[sundog]

4. sigh

you're draining me :P

[bettyellen]

7. you have a star, sweetie, and i have a great useless crush idea for you!!

Termite is the cutest, think a youngish Yves Sant Laurent with a sweet georgia accent. He's stylish, sweet, good with his hands, and completetly devoted to Andy Stephenson.
This whole place would tar and feather you for doing a thiing! It's perfect!!

[sundog]

11. gasp!

you're trying to get me in trouble!

I'll not fall for it! :grr:

[KC21304]

5. From Juan Cole's Blog on Friday.

A friend of mine with Pentagon contacts tells a tragicomic story. The Pakistani government complained to the US Department of Defense about the desecration of the Koran. The Pentagon passed the protest to the Southeast Asia division. It looked into the matter in East Asia and responded that it could find no evidence that the US military had flushed a Korean down the toilet.

http:/juancole.com /

[John Q. Citizen]

6. A guy walks into a bar,

"Ouch!"

[Redstone]

8. The Lone Ranger and Tonto are sitting on their horses

up on a hill. They look down to the valley below, and the Lone Rangers says, "Omigod, Tonto, look down there, that wagon train is being attacked by at least a thousand crazed Apaches! We have to ride down there and help those poor settlers fight off those Indians!"

Tonto turns to the Lone Ranger and replies, "What you mean we, white man?

One of my favorites.

Redstone

[Droopy]

9. How do you donate in someone else's name?

[Misunderestimator]

24. You just enter their username instead of your own.

Donation comes from you, but they get the star.

[Droopy]

42. Thank you

[bettyellen]

35. you just put in their user name instead of your own.

when you go to donate. all the other info put in is you, for billing and credit.

[Droopy]

43. Thank you

[yvr girl]

10. do yud want meto do aoopole to test mmi biverness

Or I cud justd giv ashut out tew muy crib sester.

p.s. Can I have a brownie? :evilgrin:

[specimenfred1984]

12. A Guy and a Monkey Walk Into a Bar...

They sit down at the bar and the monkey starts feeding on the fruit tray. The bartender is bothered but doesn't say anything.

Then, the monkey reaches over and quickly polishes off and entire dish of nuts. The bartender is getting angry.

Finally, the monkey climbs onto a pool table and grabs a cue ball and eats it. The bartender has had enough and tells the guy and his monkey to "Get Out"!

The next week the guy and his monkey walk in again. The monkey reaches for the fruit tray but this time he sticks every piece of fruit up his butt before he eats it. The bartender says,

"What's with your monkey sticking everything up his butt before he eats it?"

The guys say,

"He measures everything after passing that cue ball!"

[bettyellen]

26. you had me with the monkey......and you look great with a star, btw!

now, go make me proud!
:hi:

[TOhioLiberal]

13. alright here goes...

Hen or Dog?

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man
dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you
are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young,"
said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a
dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.

Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You
need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the
ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

:rofl: I found it in the humor group and almost crapped myself laughing! :rofl:

[Maestro]

14. I'll give it a shot

But if I win, post in somebody else's name that really doesn't have the money right now. ;) Here are a few anyway.

What is a Yankee? >The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

[specimenfred1984]

15. How About Some Tongue Twister Headlines

Reporter Rico Porter Killed In Puerto Rico

Kitten Caught in Curtain Carton

Schnechtedy Scouts Scorch Scrotums on Skyscraper

[ChoralScholar]

16. Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He worked it out with a pencil.

[TlalocW]

17. Did you hear about the cannibal who

Passed his brother in the woods?

TlalocW

[Feron]

18. Since i am joke impaired, here is a picture that my brother sent me.

[Maestro]

22. That is funny!

:applause:

[BigMcLargehuge]

19. try this

[bettyellen]

very amusing mr mc huge-large! too bad yo have a star!!!

[bettyellen]

21. dupe.

[Nomad559]

20. My Favorite Atheist Joke

The Atheist and the Bear

http://www.avolites.org.uk/jokes/bear.htm

:)

[TOhioLiberal]

23. did anybody win?

enquiring minds and all...:blush:

[specimenfred1984]

31. I Did, Thanks bettyellen

or at least I all of a sudden got a star.

I donated to DU a year ago with my old ID but now the bills are piling up with a sick cat (Lame excuse, I know).

DU is one of the most deserving groups of people I can think of. I feel that propaganda, gov't and corporate, is the #1 cause of the hatred in America and groups like DU are battling the hate just by merely existing.

I post a lot over on the Yahoo business board, using inciting ID's like pure propaganda, wh_prostitute, ack ackermen, etc...while I trade the S&P during the day.

Hope I made ya laugh bettyellen, you're lucky I didn't really get going, I have 100s of stupid stream-of-consciousness jokes like those headlines!

[bettyellen]

32. you're welcome fred!

and thanks for making me laugh!
atually a lot of people did.
thanks y'all!

[shugah]

25. alright, this calls for...

there are 2 young guys out hunting in the woods. they're walking thru the trees and brush when they come upon a huge hole.

"wow!' one of the hunters exclaims.

"how deep d'ya suppose it is?" asks the other.

they lay down and stare into the seemingly bottomless pit.

"well, let's throw something in. see how long it takes to hit bottom."

they stand up and one of them quickly finds a rock. he tosses it into the hole, and the hunters wait, ears cocked, but they don't hear any sound to indicate that the rock hit bottom.

"we need something bigger!"

they dig up a bigger rock, and drop the huge rock into the hole. waiting, ears cocked, they don't hear any sound to indicate that the rock hit bottom.

frustrated but determined, the young hunters scavenge the woods looking for something bigger still to drop into the hole. one of them trips over an old railroad tie. excited, he calls to his friend! the 2 of them pick up the tie at either end and laboriously manage to drag the tie over to the pit. one on either end, they pick it up and toss it into the hole. waiting, ears cocked, they still hear no sound of bottom being hit.

they stand there, catching thier breath after the exertion.

as they stand there, a goat comes suddenly charging thru the woods. the hunters barely have time to step aside as the goat rushes past them and dives, headlong, into the hole.

shaken, the hunters sit down.

a while later, a farmer happens by. he sees the hunters sitting there and asks, "say, have you boys seen a goat?"

the hunters relay the story of the goat that dived into the hole.

"aww," says the farmer, "that couldn't have been my goat! my goat was tied to a railroad tie."

[shugah]

27. or, scientifically proven world's funniest joke

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[shugah]

28. or 2nd funniest

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[shugah]

29. okay, i know i didn't make the deadline

but don't make me tell the nuns and vampire joke!!

;-)

[bettyellen]

34. oh please tell it!! i am peeing reading all your stuff.

i feel bad i gave away the star before i read any of them......

[specimenfred1984]

37. OK, Here's Another One...One of the Seven Dwarfs is...

talking to the Pope. He asks the Pope "Are there any midget nuns in Italy"?

Pope, "No".

Dwarf, "Are there any midget nuns in Europe"?

Pope becoming curious but still just says "No".

Dwarf, "Are there any midget nuns in the U.S."?

Pope, totally curious now, "No, why on Earth would you ask such a question"?

Dwarf, "Oh OK, I guess Sleepy screwed a penguin then"!

[bettyellen]

39. whoa! nuns, midgets, sex and animals!! that jokes got everything!!

[shugah]

38. two nuns leave the vatican

to drive to thier destination.

late one night, they are driving thru the twisting, turning, mountians of transylvania.

suddenly, a small vampire jumps on to the hood of their car and stares menacingly at them thru the windshield. the nuns are terrified!

"what should i do sister?" asks the driving nun.

"i don't know! put on the wipers!" says the passenger nun.

as the vampire crawls closer, the driver flips on the wipers.

somewhat dazed and shaken, the vampire maintains his position on the hood of the car and continues to stare relentlessly, hungrily, at the nuns.

"that didn't work!" cries the driver.

the passenger nun has a sudden inspiration! "oh! remember before we left the vatican, the holy father blessed our car? that is holy water in the wiper fluid tank!"

the driving nun splahes wiper fluid all over the windshield and vampire. they hear a scream... yet the smoking, diminutive dracula still clings to the hood of the car.

"oh! whatever can we do?" cries the driving nun.

after a moment of thought, the passenger nun triumphantly says, "show him your cross!"

so the nun who is driving rolls down her window, leans out, and yells, "GET OFF THE HOOD OF MY GODDAMN CAR YOU BASTARD!!!"

[bettyellen]

40. very good, i love the holy wiper fluid!

and the smoking dimunitve vampire...
nicely told!

[Deja Q]

30. I will sing for you this bizarre song:

"I'm a little homo, short and stout. Hypno's my handle, ye'wanna see my spout?"

Gotta admit, it's better than Chuck Berry's "Ding-a-ling"?


(oh, give my star to charity, should I win - which I highly doubt. After all, bizarre isn't funny. :D )

[bettyellen]

33. i love performance pieces, thank you! that was a lot of fun.

[specimenfred1984]

36. Oh Good, I Throw This 1 Into the Mix...

It's a song about a hillbilly dry-cleaner inspector called:

"Scrutinizing Martinizers"

I ride around in my pick-up truck
Scrutinizing Martinizers
I find the dirt that they didn't pick up
Scrutinizing Martinizers

I check the shirts and I check the pants
so I don't need none of those government grants

I ride around in my pick-up truck
Scrutinizing Martinizers!!!

[MrScorpio]

41. Listen Carefully.... Do Not Laugh

I said don't laugh.

You better not laugh.

Don't do it now... No laughing O.K.?

What is that? A smile?

Why are you smiling?

No smiling now

Take that smile off your face

I said, stop smiling.

Stop it!

I said, stop it! No, Don't do it.






Shit... Now you're laughing

[bettyellen]

44. shit... now I AM laughing.....