Mothers' Day's Over - I Need to Rant

[NashVegas]

thanks in advance.

I grew up under the roof of a woman I thought, at the time, was the strongest, wisest woman in the world. She divorced my alcoholic father and was (mildly) successful in a man's profession, raising 5 kids, nearly single-handedly. I knew it was hard for her. I knew about all the sacrifices she made for us. I knew she put off her personal happiness in delaying remarriage until the youngest of us (me) was grown.

Sure, I had certain resentments, as a child of divorce (daddy's girl) but I had to keep them to myself, because to express them would send her off to the bathroom, crying. And how could you make the strongest, wisest woman in the world run off and cry? And I had the ability to upset this woman. Like the day, about a month after moving out of the house, I asked her why after 20 years of never touching me unless I was sick, she now wanted a big hug everytime I crossed her threshold?

I have the ability to upset this woman. There's a lot more I started to go into in this post, but it just got too fucking long.

The upshot: this sainted woman was overwhelmed by her own weariness and emotional hang-ups and as a result, was completely unable to cope with the messed up situation that was going on in her own household. That's understandable. She was unable to nurture her children. That, too is at least semi-understandable. She was unable to bring herself to ask my father for help: not entirely understandable. Well, no. Understandable (very messy divorce), but not yet forgivable. She was unable to cope with anyone else's emotions, probably barely able to cope with her own.

Due to a chain of events in the last year, all of the resentment I kept buried for 20-30 years is right up at the surface.

I had a brother who was abusive for 10 years when we were kids (verbal & physical violence). She couldn't cope with that and refused to see the truth of what was going on, no matter how many times it was brought to her attention, until I finally snapped at the age of 16 and just fucking wailed on him. By today's standards, one or both of us would have been removed by DCS.

Last fall, I finally found the balls to confront him and asked wtf was his problem that drove him to that shit. To his credit, he took full responsibility for his actions and made no excuses for his behavior whatsoever. It was well known in the family for the last 15 years that there were serious issues between him and me but no one ever had any idea what to do about it, they'd just say, "look, he's trying to be nice, now, you should try to be."

Anyway, the next morning after this confrontation, I told my mom about it. First thing she said: "good." Second thing: "do you blame me?" I told her no, that my brother was responsible for his own actions, but I did tell her I resented like hell her inability to cope with the situation.

Two days later, I had lunch with my other brother, and he told me that he'd had a conversation about it with our sister and she expressed concern that I would blame our mother.

That was when I got pissed. I put up with 10 years of soul-destroying shit from this guy, *finally* found the gonads to call him to the carpet and try to get something resolved, and instead of showing any concern of what I might have been going through, my mom & oldest sister were more worried about protecting the emotions of the woman who never lifted a fucking finger to put a stop to the situation until my actions forced her to.


So. Back to Mom. I can't do this anymore. I can't walk into her house (I live 1k miles away) and keep a lid on this anger to protect her emotions anymore. 10 years ago I had a Xanax winter largely because of things left unexpressed and I'm not ever going through that shit again.

Only problem: she's freaking 75 years old! And she's slowing down considerably.

So, DU - how the fuck do I do this? How do I tell this woman I think she's got a lot to answer for (a lot more than what's mentioned in this post) without worrying I'm going to give her a freaking heart attack?

[seemunkee]

1. I don't mean to be simplistic

I have a hard time writing long replies but here goes.
Are you blaming her for not being strong enough to cope? Sounds like she went through Hell and did what she was capable of to get away from a bad marriage with 5 kids. Maybe she just didn't have any more emotional strength to handle things. That may well go for your sibs too. They were taught, by your mother's, example to repress feelings and cover problems.

[NashVegas]

3. More Like

I think 'resent' would be a better term than blame.

Put it this way: try to imagine a situation where someone who was in your care, comes to you and says they finally fought off a demon that you had been incapable of helping them with. Instead of offering that person support, you make it *all about you.*

Her 75th birthday is coming up; we're having a party for her and I will attend and play the role of dutiful daughter. I'm gonna need booze.

Yes, we were taught to repress feelings and we were taught very well. Trouble is, I can't seem to do it anymore.

[seemunkee]

7. Agreed, it was wrong to turn it to being about her

But it's you that needs to get healthy and by that I'm not saying "get over it" If that it the way your mother and brother are handling it then you need to find a way to deal with it and get yourself healthy.

[NashVegas]

14. I'm Trying

My brother really surprised me with his reaction.

The conversation started with me asking him how was I deal with his attempts at being something kind of like a brother, when I couldn't trust him not to revert to being a monster again if the carpet got pulled out from under him again. He just came straight out with it. Said he'd been a major asshole and sincerely apologized. He couldn't (or wouldn't) explain why, but at least he didn't try to make any excuses for himself. If I wasn't able to forgive without understanding, at least that fact alone pretty much evaporated any residual anger towards him.

[mike_c]

2. well, you either have to simply tell her-- if it means enough to you...

...or you have to put it behind you somehow. Can you do that before she dies? If you can't, you certainly won't have any opportunities to do it afterward. If your objective is to go beyond catharsis and actually do something about rectifying the situation, you have even less time. I'm sure you know this already. Not only less time, but if ya'll haven't been able to get over the past and build some different future by now, what do you think the chances really are? Will trying simply keep the wounds fresh for the next ten or twenty years?

Personally, I decided a few years ago that I can't change my family, but I can change myself. I've written some of them off and will likely never see or hear from them again. I have a (somewhat) similar situation with my own elderly mother, and when I had an opportunity to say my piece I decided that it just wasn't worth saying any longer. I put it behind me. That's not the same as forgiving, nor is if forgetting. It's just disengaging from the things that were upsetting then because I don't need the pain now. That was my choice, and required nothing of my mother.

Best wishes for finding your solution.

[tjdee]

5. I agree--it sounds like the OP *needs* something from his/her mother...

Which IMO is a good way to get pissed off even more.
Everyone's got relatives like that (I have at least three) and it's like you know, they're just not going to get it.

So while it's eating away at me, they're going on having a great time and not having a thought about it.

Why keep MYSELF on the hook?

I'd suggest sitting down, saying your piece, and having that be the end of it, regardless of the offending relative's reaction.

[NashVegas]

6. thanks

Tomorrow, I leave for England for a week and a half. My host and I already have laid plans to get drunk and compare notes.

[Demonaut]

4. I'm glad your mother had the strength to leave her abusive husband

My mother decided to stay so we kids were abused sexually, emotionally and physically, fortunately I was only abused emotionally and physically...I guess thats fortunately as its only two things to deal with as an adult, my sister on the other hand had all three applied to her...I haven't figured out if I've forgiven my mother for her mistakes of the past but I surely would welcome an apology. Growing older does not necessarily mean growing up.

[NashVegas]

9. That, Too, Is Part of the Angst

You know those lists of all the things they tell you *not* to do when you divorce? They did pretty much all of them, but she did, especially. Couldn't say one good word about the man until he was dying, some 12 years later. I was forced to try to reconcile how the guy who made the sun shine for me could have made her life such living hell.

My father's abuse to her was in the form of sarcastic, cutting remarks. There was no physical violence, and certainly nothing in comparison, verbally, to what my brother put me through. I know this because in the years when I was trying to comprehend where he could have gotten the notion that his behavior was all right, if it could have been that he witnessed my father treating her that way. Had he screamed at her like that? Had he beaten her like that? She said no, it wasn't the case.

Like you, I would welcome an apology. One that came without any further attempts to martyr herself along with it.

[Demonaut]

12. bullseye on the martyr comment , when I ask my mother to try

and reconcile with my sister I only open a shit can of martyr complex...lol

[NashVegas]

16. Sucks, Don't It?

I feel for you. It's amazing how common messed up families are. Best wishes to you and your sister.

[skygazer]

8. I can't begin to tell you what to do

But I can try to give you just a little insight.

Your mother knows damn well that she's fucked things up. That is evident by her "do you blame me" reply. She's not trying to invalidate your pain and anguish but she feels a great deal of pain and anguish herself because she knows the choices she made were responsible for a good deal of your problems. Many of those choices were probably impossible choices, choices in which there was no right answer.

I can understand that because I am in a situation similar to hers. Because of many factors which I won't bore you with, I know my children have suffered. I feel horrible guilt and it's difficult NOT to ask such questions of them whenever anything comes up. I don't. I hold all the guilt I feel deep inside and hope to hell I haven't screwed them up so badly that they'll be as broken and ineffective as I was.

None of this is meant to say that her pain is any greater or more important than yours. It's not. But try to realize that each generation is molded by the one before. If you can possibly find it within yourself to simply forgive her and then move forward with you life with a clearer understanding of why you are who you are and she is who she is, you may be able to find some peace.

Or you may have to confront her. Only you can figure that out, I'm afraid. I wish you well.

[NashVegas]

10. Oh, Hey!

Can I do some transferance on you? Oh please, please, please?

:D

j/k

Your mother knows damn well that she's fucked things up.

Oh, I know that.

That is evident by her "do you blame me" reply. She's not trying to invalidate your pain and anguish but she feels a great deal of pain and anguish herself

See, that's what I'm not so sure of. I think it's a defensive mechanism to avoid it. I didn't then and I don't now. But if she can concentrate on the idea that I'd blame her, which is illogical - it then that makes *me* illogical and it's something that therefor can be dismissed.

Or you may have to confront her. Only you can figure that out, I'm afraid. I wish you well.

thanks.

[skygazer]

11. I appreciate the j/k disclaimer

But I hope it's not so much transference as it is seeing the situation from another point of view.

Either way, I don't know your mother. I can only speak from my experience and offer another perspective.

At any rate, it sounds like you've made up your mind and are merely seeking validation for it. And I repeat, I wish you well.

[NashVegas]

17. Nah

And I wish you well, also.

I think you're right, I have made up my mind, what. Just haven't figured out the 'how.' I've got a pretty good idea of what I need; how to attempt to get it without being unduly hurtful, that is the question.

[Solly Mack]

13. You're about to hit the hardest wall of them all

regarding parents and adult children.

The "I did the best I could" wall.

Truth is, your mother probably did do the best she could...but that wasn't good enough for your needs. There's the conflict and it's not fair! She did the best she could and she still let you down. That's a hard truth to accept. I know because I had to learn to accept it myself.

Parents are funny creatures. A lot of times they think one size fits all parenting is fair to their children when it is not. Each child is different and each child has different needs.

You needed her to protect you; acknowledge what was happening and to end it. To be a parent, in other words...to meet your expectations of what a parent is supposed to be and do. As children we expect certain things from our parents...we don't realize they are human with all that entails...strengths and weaknesses.


This isn't to say you didn't respect your mother or that she wasn't a good mother...but I'm sensing you feel she failed you in this one regard. She did fail you and it's OK to feel that way. She most likely did the best she could...and now it's time to reconcile those two things. Once again, it's not fair.

You have and had every right to expect your mother to protect you from abuse. Your needs weren't being met. That's not an indictment against your mother, that's just a fact. You still carry that anger from a need not met.

Now she's 75, you're still angry and you want her to? admit she was wrong? That she could have done better? To say I'm sorry?

I'd want those things too. I did want those things from my mother. It's perfectly normal to want those things.

What you are going to have to accept is that you may never get any of those things from your mother. Even if you do, it might not be as cleansing as you hope it to be. It wasn't for me. I'm not trying to be harsh and I'm sorry if it sounds that way.



Your needs weren't met as a child and as an adult you're still being denied a need. As a child you needed her to stop the abuse. As an adult you need her to listen to you, really hear what you're saying, and to validate the pain this has caused you. You need her to say "I was wrong" and "I'm sorry."

Most of all, you need to allow yourself to let go of your anger. That won't come from your mother. That can only come from you. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be hurt. You have every right to expect an apology...but if that day never comes, I want you to know that it's OK to feel as you feel.


It's OK to love someone so much and still be so angry at them...it's OK to tell your mother, "You were wrong and I need you to know I forgive you, and I still love you, but you were wrong." And even if they never say "I'm sorry", you free yourself of that anger...you rid yourself of that festering wound and you learn to heal. You do this for you. Because your healing is what's important.


Sometimes, people hurt us, especially our family, and they go about their lives like it was nothing....while pain and anger festers in the person that was wronged. It's maddening to know a family member can just "get over" something that caused you a great deal of pain. But they do...sometimes they carry guilt but they never express it. Sometimes they forget it and put it down to "the past" or "we were children"....they rationalize away their behavior...while those they hurt carry the scars.

I hope your mother can say "I'm sorry"...but if she can't, please remember, it's not your fault. Your feelings are justified.It won't be easy and it's a bitter pill to swallow, I know.


Let the anger go...for you. Not for your siblings and not for your mother...do it for you.

I wish I could hug you. Please know I do know your anger. My mom's dead now and we had it out before her death. She was able to say she was sorry.....but I still had to learn to let my resentment and anger go...because her apology didn't change how cheated I felt. Her "I'm sorry" didn't heal the little girl, who was still in pain, inside of me. I had to learn to heal her myself.

I'm sorry if I offended you in any way for that was not my intent.

[NashVegas]

15. Oh, I've Been at That Wall Since I Was a Kid

My mom put that wall up pre-emptively, she did it to all of us, from an early age, to head off any strikes. She was really good with pre-emptions, she used them as a way to ward off any uncomfortable emotional displays on our part. (My oldest sister agrees with that summation.)

That's why, largely, this is all coming up now instead of years ago. And no, I'm not at all offended.