Married DU'ers, I have a question.

[Writer]

I don't know what to do here. This morning, I was so angry with Mr. Writer that I had to work very hard to avoid punching him outright.

Mr. Writer is a good guy and a very good husband. The problem is, there are a few areas that he's not so good at that upset and anger me. I won't get into all of them, but here's the major one.

Mr. Writer decided 18 months ago to build a dry bar in our basement. That has yet to even be started, other than our friend coming over to help him lay down a small section of tile for the floor. There always seems to be an excuse: he doesn't have the right tools, he doesn't have money around for the wood, he needs to get some other small project (another incomplete project) done first.

For Christmas, my mom and I split the cost of a nice router for him. His dad bought him a circular saw, which is what he said he needed. Still nothing.

I don't want to go on in this forum, but I am so upset and frustrated with him. I have received one unfulfilled promise after another about this bar. I have told him how upset I am, I have even offered to help during the summer, and so far I don't see any sign of his progressing on this.

I don't know what to do now. It seems like such a small thing, but from what I understand, small things can mean something significant in a marriage.

Help!

Writer.

[redqueen]

1. Have you told him how important it is to you?

Are there any areas of your life that he's perhaps feeling unsatisfied that you're sufficiently meeting his needs?

(Can you tell I'm in marriage counseling? :))

[Writer]

11. Absolutely I have.

We even worked out a plan for the house... other projects included... at the beginning of the year.

He's very much aware.

[LynzM]

2. Have you talked to him about it?

Not just snarky comments or sighing or anything. Just really sat down and said "you know, it makes me really frustrated and upset to see you not start a project like this. I feel like other people have tried to be very supportive of it, but you're going to run out of support and patience from me very soon. Is there something I can do to help you get started and stay motivated?"

Find out if there's something going on that holds him back, or what... just start there, with an honest, non-angry conversation. If you have to wait a while to be able to do that, then wait. Don't try to discuss it while you're still really angry.

[Writer]

12. Oh yes, most definitely I have.

We have had countless conversations... some very angry... some calm, that resulted in more unfulfilled promises.

[Hobarticus]

3. This man says...

I put off things too, because I'm afraid to screw them up.

Maybe there's fear of screwing up, and not being able to ask for help, or hire a contractor because he thinks he'll have 'failed'. Happens to me.

[kick-ass-bob]

7. This is good.

He obviously doesn't want to do it. There is a reason why, and it isn't because he wants to piss you off. You say it is very important to you - is it important that it is done extremely well? If so, this may be why he doesn't want to start.

Can you afford a contractor? Offer that up if you can.

[enigmatic]

13. Excellent answer

I'd say this is happening. And if he feels right now 9rightly or wrongly) that his wife is going to jump down his throat if he doesn't do it correctly, then he might decide to put it off as long as possible.

[Writer]

36. I've always had this great motto that perhaps I should share with him:

You have to learn how to suck before you can achieve suc-cess!

Corny, I know, but it's helped me.

[enigmatic]

67. I like it!

Seriously, good luck in this to both of you:)

[ewagner]

9. Good call....

that would also be my guess.... I assume that he's in over his head and doesn't want either to admit it or accept help. (especially from the spouse)

In our household, thing like this become a running joke between us and taken rather good naturedly. Because of the rather light-hearted manner, the truth usually comes out and is dealt with honestly.....eventually.......

[Writer]

16. This may be true.

I could approach him with this possibility, but I'm not sure if he'd admit this.

[kick-ass-bob]

20. I'm not sure I'd admit this in this situation either.

Say that you are hiring a contractor. If he gets angry (or whatever) and starts working on it, then that wasn't the problem. If he gets angry (or whatever) and does not start, then get the contractor, you've found the problem.

[Hobarticus]

68. He probably won't. It's a guy thing.

I've probably already broken The Code by telling you this deep, dark secret. :)

I tell my wife, I live to please her. It may not always show, but in everything I do, I try to make her happy. When it doesn't appear that I can do that, I get frustrated and paralyzed with indecision.

If there's a gentle way to point that out to him, try it.

[Hugin]

56. "I put off things too, because I'm afraid to screw them up."

Ahh, the golden rule to understanding <insert non offensive gender
specifier here>.

They can be just as indecisive as <insert non offensive gender
specifier here>.

This is a great revelation and admission Hobarticus. Thanks
for pointing it out.

[kick-ass-bob]

58. Is this all you do all day?

Once, point established.
Twice, point reinforced.
Every post, just plain annoying.

[Hugin]

61. Hey, I'm learning... I'm learning...

Besides, the opportunities just keep presenting themselves.

It's not like I'm driving anything.

[liberal N proud]

4. Motivate him

Beer and Sex!

[mzmolly]

5. Well you could be manipulative and say you have other ideas for that

area if he's not "that" interested in the bar after all? LOL

I do think really it's important to focus on your partners strengths at times like this if possible. And, you may just need a night out/away.

HEY, another thing you could try, is to offer to "hire an expert" to do the job. Chances are his ego and a desire to save a buck won't have it! Say it in a manner as such. "Honey that bar project is coming between us, how bout we pay an expert to come and take care of it ..." :evilgrin:

Good luck!

:hi:

On edit, I REALLY do agree with those that simply suggest talking it out. Perhaps just try to set a deadline together and hire someone for the parts he's not comfortable with? My frustration with Mr. Molly is more from a "he'll jump into ANYTHING without knowing the "right" way and whatever happens he just says "it'll be fine." :scared:

[Writer]

18. True...

I could suggest that. Since I hopefully will be working this summer, perhaps I could bring in a handiman.

[mzmolly]

29. One thing I've done for my husband is to "research" a project and give

him info and printouts from the internet. Of course he acts like he knew X all along. ;)

For example, you guys can purchase an actual "plan" or get ideas here: Check out the free catalog link!

http://www.bar-gear.com/

Perhaps seeing some of these will inspire confidence and a desire to finish in Mr. Writer.

[Writer]

33. Hey that's great. Thank you!

[mzmolly]

35. You bet.

AT some point I move beyond my childish manipulation tactics to actual solutions.

;)

Sometimes you can order "how to" movies as well.

[Mrs_Beastman]

42. I agree so far

It's sounds like he is in over his head. Maybe do some DIY research on the net and break the projects down in order(including supply lists...sounds like he is overwhelmed with not knowing what he needs)

[SheilaT]

6. One possible solution

is (if you really want the dry bar) to hire someone competent to do it. But only you know how much trouble that would create. However, in my opinion, he has no real right to pull this crap. It's a passive-aggressive thing, and that can be extremely hard to deal with. I know, because my husband does the same thing at times.

In general terms, my advice would be to try very hard to discuss this with him and get him to understand how much this bothers you. Chances are you'll spend the rest of your life with him doing this, and only you know if it's worth it.

We're coming up on 25 years of marriage in October, and it hasn't been all champagne and roses, that's for sure, but overall worth the effort.

Oh, and keep in mind you'll probably get lots of very different advice, and that's good, because you'll see there are many different ways to deal with the problem. Hopefully some of it will work for you.

[kick-ass-bob]

10. passive-aggressive? maybe, maybe not.

There is quite a stigma that "men" are supposed to be good at this stuff, and that if we are not, we are "not a good man". And saying "I'm afraid I will fuck this up" does not escape this stigma.

[enigmatic]

17. Exactly

My wife is much better at construction-type stuff then I am; when she needs stuff done like that she just does it, and I don't mind.

We're pretty much on the same wavelength about our strengths and faults when it comes to this kind of thing, so it comes up rarely..

[Writer]

19. My husband does tend to be passive-aggressive...

We've been in couples counseling about it, as well as my own damaging actions. It's helped - he's much better than he was before, but there are still issues here and there.

Yes, you're right. I do appreciate the insight of those longer married. We just made 4 years together.

[tigereye]

24. my husband works a lot

and he only has so much energy. Sometimes it is just a matter of actually getting started and most folks want to make sure you have everything you need in place. We also have a kid, and it is very easy to put projects off, even when you really want and need to do them.

Good luck.

[Demit]

8. Advice from someone with an ex-Mr. DemItAll:

Give up noodging him to do the project. He's lost interest in it.

I had to finish many ex-Mr. DemItAll projects. I bought ex-Mr. D many things he said he absolutely had to have, including a weight bench that he absolutely couldn't wait for and so took the dented floor model home, where it quickly became the place to store my art supplies because he never used it.

Mr Writer is not going to change. Love him for what he is and find a workaround for the rest.

[Redstone]

14. Can I have his router if you hire someone to do the job? I bet

it's still in real nice shape.

Redstone

[evlbstrd]

15. It took me many months

just to start our bath rebuild/remodel. And many more months to finish. Seems normal to me.

[madrchsod]

21. hire someone to finish the job

no wait you do it...i think he thought it was a good idea at the time but maybe he realized he couldn`t really do what he thought he could. hell i`ve done the same thing. either forget about the project or hire someone to do it if you want done. now i should be working on that car in the garage but.......

[Bunny]

22. Hire a contractor to finish the job. Never again believe him when

he says he's going to do some type of household project. And for god sakes, don't buy him power tools and the like. He's not going to do these jobs, he just enjoys musing about them for a while, and then he's over it. You, meanwhile, took him at his word, and are now left holding the bag. This is just an area where he cannot be counted upon - doesn't necessarily make him a bad man. If you can recognize this, and not get caught up in it, you'll be better off.

How do I know this? The former Mr. Bunny was the same way.

[Lerkfish]

40. no offense, but your solution is dripping with contempt

no wonder he's the "former" Mr. bunny. Nothing kills a relationship like contempt.

reread what you wrote and replace it if you were talking about a wife who burned one meal.

she says she's going to cook. And for god sakes, don't buy her new pots or pans and the like. She's not going to do these jobs, she just enjoys musing about them for a while, and then she's over it. You, meanwhile, took her at her word, and are now left holding the bag. This is just an area where she cannot be counted upon - doesn't necessarily her him a bad woman. If you can recognize this, and not get caught up in it, you'll be better off.

[Bunny]

46. Well, offense taken. Your response to me is plain silly.

You have completely misconstrued what I said. And thanks for taking the jab at my previous marriage, of which you know nothing. You're a class act all around. :eyes:

[Lerkfish]

48. apologies.

I agree the point about your marriage was out of line. mea culpa.

however, the reframing of your post was definitely on point. I used your exact words but directed them at a woman instead of a man in order to make the point that in any marriage, such draconian measures as suggesting if someone screws up to never trust them again...that such attitudes communicated contempt against the spouse and it makes it very hard to recover from such attitudes....many marriages that have contempt in them end up in divorce.

[redqueen]

52. But she didn't say he screwed up...

she said he never started.

It would be more like saying that someone's wife said she wanted to start painting then after the materials were bought she never started.

That's a more accurate analogy. I don't think this is something that can be brushed aside by making it a sexist thing... some people are lazy... both men and women... and it's not a crime to call them on it and refuse to put up with it.

Admittedly some situations where this kind of thing might happen not because the person is lazy, but when that's the case, that's the case. I trust the person living with the situation to know best.

[Lerkfish]

57. I agree that's a better analogy.

but since I was copying and pasting and simply replacing "he" with "she" I was somewhat restrained.

I didn't mean to make it a sexist thing per se, but a question of how you view the spouse: as someone who has done something you wish to work through, or as someone you want to completely write off based on one incident.

the first attitude is one that wants to heal the relationship, the latter would go a long way towards destroying the relationship. I only used wife instead of husband in an attempt to couch it back to bunny from the other side. although, looking back, I can see it looked like I was trying to make a point about sexism.

[redqueen]

60. I think it was the 'burnt dinner' thing

that set off my sexist radar. :)

[Lerkfish]

64. understandable. but like I and others have pointed out,

home improvement projects can be just as tied to a man's perception of his "manhood" socially as some women might feel towards traditional women's household duties. Although we are enlightened enough to know better than to stereotype, these traditional roles do still have an emotional resonance.

Like I wrote elsewhere in the thread, I'm NOT handy around the house, so these types of projects make me nervous and self conscious, mainly BECAUSE they are traditionally felt to be in my jurisdiction as the husband.

so, yeah, now that i wrote that, maybe there IS a sexist component to this, on both sides.
For example, if writer wanted the dry bar, WHY was it only her husband that was expected to do the project? Seems like the exact same time passed without HER starting the project as passed without HIM starting the project, right? but since HE did not start it, she's frustrated with HIM, right?

[redqueen]

65. Yep... exactly.

I hate it when women OR men get caught up in this crap... but that's a whole other thread. :)

A very worthy one, to be sure. Home improvement, physical strength, height, income... the societal pressure on both sexes to conform with these 'roles' is just ridiculous, and starts at such an early age. It's frickin tragic.

As for why the guy in this situation was responsible... I would hope that he'd expressed an interest, or had more time to do it, or something rational. If not... errr... *sigh*

[Lerkfish]

66. well, I do not blame people for getting sucked into those roles, after all

they've been around for centuries, the pressure is tremendous. Even though I consider myself very against those roles, especially since becoming a dad, I find the unconscious pressure to conform to them almost irresistable.
Even though my wife and I used to do everything equally, since my son came along, I jump right out and do the more traditional "male" chores without even thinking about it until afterwards. And my wife has slowly done the same.
I can only explain it by this unconscious pressure to be a role model....otherwise it makes no sense. I'm no more "handy" than my wife, in fact, probably less so.

oy!

but, I've never been the traditional male...I am not handy, I was never athletic, and I could care less about sports. I don't watch sports on tv. Whereas my wife loves that I'm not making her a football widow, when I'm with other men at a party or barbeque, I'm quickly foundering since the conversation inevitably changes to sports, and I have nothing to say. After a while, the other guys notice, quiz me on something like "how about that game last night..wasn't it great when..." and I have to finally admit that I really don't follow sports. At that point an invisible cone of silence drops around me and I'm excluded from the conversation.

stupid, really.

at any rate, this is a sidetrack of the original thread, sorry.

My real point was that assuming your spouse has a character flaw, WITHOUT simply talking to them to find out what is REALLY going on, is a recipe for problems in a marriage.

[Bunny]

53. It's not contempt. It's accepting the fact that her husband is simply

NOT going to do these things - many men are like that. And so are women, for that matter. A lot of people talk a good game, and then can't or won't pull it off.

The point I couldn't seem to make was that she should accept this as part of him, and move on. If he idly talks about some home improvement plan, take it with a grain of salt. Don't set her hopes on his following through, because he won't.

That's all. It's not contemptuous to accept reality.

[Lerkfish]

62. well....I guess you aren't seeing what I am with what your'e saying.

its not contempt. Its accepting the fact that her husband is simply NOT going to do these things - many men are like that

snip

It's not contemptuous to accept reality.

but the point is, you're assigning an absolute judgement of this guy from one incident and from one POV told to you secondhand. That's not necessarily reality. We don't know everything about this relationship. Your post is only suggesting to accepting a hardwired deficit in the other person without encouraging writer to talk to him and find out if , in fact, there might be ANOTHER reason she's unaware of for his behaviour.

I and others in this thread have offered other equally plausible explanations for his behaviour that don't indicate a character deficit, but a situation that requires communication and an attempt to achieve a better understanding.

I'm only pointing out that your suggestion is one that closes off communciation, assumes a negative judgement and encourages her to simply accept his diminished qualities as "reality". I view that as encouraging contempt instead of attempting to arrive at a greater understanding. We obviously differ.

And I'll leave it at that...like I said in the beginning, but maybe worded badly, so here's a better wording...
no offense, but your suggestion appears to be encouraging a breakdown in communication, an attitude of resignation to the perceived character deficit of the spouse, instead of finding ways to improve communication. Your suggestion seems to center around assigning a negative judgement of the spouse and relegating your future attitudes toward the spouse based on that negative judgement. To me, if someone adopted your suggestion, it would foster an atmosphere of contempt or condescension, which usually leads to breakdowns in relationships.

[madmom]

23. Go to your local home improvement store and...

get a book or two read up and start it yourself , maybe he'll join you, if not look what you've learned and accomplished!

[Writer]

26. Yes. I wouldn't mind doing it myself...

although he did take a cabinet-making class that I wished I had time to take with him. Hmmm... I'll have to think about this.

[NewJeffCT]

45. This would be my advice

I'm sometimes like that, and I've found that if my wife starts something herself, it means she really wants to get it done, so I'll then join in & help her, and then usually finish it.

Granted, it's never anything as big as a dry bar & laying tile. It's more like assembling our daughter's tricycle

The problem on a guy's end is that if you give him a list of 100 things to do, he may think X, Y, and Z are the priorities and you think it is A,B, and C... and, he doesn't really believe you when he says A is important until you really start doing it yourself. Actions speak louder than words to guys a lot of the time.

[Fleshdancer]

25. I've had these issues with my husband in the past....

and I know others who have done this as well. The overall theme I have found is that sometimes people take on projects but then get completely overwhelmed by them.

He knows how important this is to you, he has already received power tools as gifts from family members (NOT cheap gifts as you already know) and maybe he's feeling the pressure from it. It could be that he's afraid of doing a horrible job and disappointing you, your mom, his dad, etc.

I don't know his experience with building these sort of things but it sounds to me like a daunting project. The only way I could get my husband to get over the overwhelmed feeling is by strapping on my own tool belt and helping him. One time that didn't even work so I called professionals.

Once the project is done, whether he did it or someone else did it, the best advice I can give is to just let it go. Your husband loves you, you love him, and at the end of the day, it's just a dry bar. :)

Goodluck and keep us updated.

[enigmatic]

28. Best sentence in this thread

"Once the project is done, whether he did it or someone else did it, the best advice I can give is to just let it go. Your husband loves you, you love him, and at the end of the day, it's just a dry bar."

Thank you.

[Fleshdancer]

39. thank-you enigmatic

I'm not an expert, but I know I'm happiest when I'm looking to the future rather than dwelling on the past.

When I get too caught up in the little things, I call my mom. She had an incredible relationship with my dad and she reminds me to look at the big picture. We all need to be reminded of that every now and then.

[enigmatic]

41. I agree completely

Your Mom sounds like a great person:)

[NewJeffCT]

47. agreed

Probably the best bit of advice in this whole thread.

[fluffernutter]

27. hire a carpenter and get it over with.

good luck!

[Writer]

30. Thank you to everyone for your advise.

It's great to have experienced ears listening!

I'll think of something.

Writer.

[seemunkee]

31. Has he built anything before? Does he have real plans

or just a nebulous idea of what he wants? He may be out of his league and is hesitating to start.
Another option
Does he have friends that can help him? I had a bar raising party one day. Had all the tools and materials available. Had a bunch of friends show up and knocked it out in a day and then had a christening of it. (Confession- I was a cabinetmaker for 15 years and could have done it myself but it seemed like a good reason to have a party)

[stopbush]

32. Having a husband like that could lead you to drink...

and how ya gonna do that without the dry bar? :)

Seriously - it's just not that important to him. I'd drop it and avoid nagging. He'll probably get started sooner that way.

How's your sex life? If that's in good shape, I'd count my lucky stars.

[AlCzervik]

34. Either let it go or learn to do things by yourself.

I'm not saying that to be mean, let me tell you my experience with these things. My husband works 160 miles away from where we live, he lives in that city during the week and then comes home on Friday night, i used to ask him to finish up projects all the time and every now and then he'd finish one but there would still be others left undone so out of frustration one day i decided to take on the unfinished ones on my own, some i could complete on my own but others i needed to hire out. Skills I've picked up over the past few years---i can now tile floors and walls, i can install a new light fixture by myself and i know how to install crown molding.

Now having said all that if your husband has a habit of never finishing anything then I'd say you have a problem there but if it's specific to home improvement projects then I'd let it go and take care of it yourself. Pick your battles, you know? I've been married for almost 14 years now and the small things will drive you apart if you let them. the other benefit of doing it yourself-you have creative control.

[Debi]

37. Find out how much it will cost to have it done by a contractor

start saving the $$ and when you have enough tell hubby - I'm having this done b/c you didn't do it if you don't want to spend the time working I'll spend the $$ instead. Next project give him the ultimatum have enough money put aside to have the work done before he starts the project, then if he stalls, hire it done.

(Yeah, I know beautiful theory. Hubby isn't really crafty, so I sock $$ away and hire projects done when enough is saved.)

[Lerkfish]

38. not to trivialize your frustration, but this sounds very familiar to me

as a not-so-handy husband, who'd rather draw than do normal "honeydo" jobs because they scare the hell out of me. I'm afraid of messing up, and afraid how lame I'll look if I do.
I broke out in a cold sweat when I fixed a broken thermostat. All the while the wife is watching me and I'm very self-conscious.

On the good side, even though I worry a great deal about every project, they usually end up ok,

Can't know your own situation, but I am just chiming in to say not all of us husbands are that handy, and procrastination could merely be an approach/avoidance reaction: he wants to do the project, but the closer he gets to starting it, the more nervous he gets.

Further, judging from your reaction on the surface that you feel like punching him, there might be a disproportionate amount of expectation coming from you, which would only ratchet up the approach/avoidance issue and make it even harder to start the project.

I'm reminded of when my wife was trying to teach our 4 year old son to pee standing up into the toilet, but didn't want him to miss the toilet. She was practically yelling at him to relax. Imagine, if you will, trying to pee with your mother yelling at you to relax but don't you dare miss the toilet. True, he COULD be avoiding in order to passively rile you, but he could ALSO be avoiding it because you are already pressuring him and he wants to avoid the hassle altogether.

At any rate, its clear he's avoiding it, but the reason doesn't have to be nefarious.

I know I'm a little overlysensitive about household handyman issues because my dad was not handy, and so I never had any training at all, but my wife in the beginning just assumed "well, you're the man, you fix it".

[CornField]

43. I put Mr CornField on a timer

Whenever he starts a home improvement project, he has X amount of time to finish it (or at least to continue to steadily work on it). At the end of that time frame, I hire someone to finish it for him.

This saves two things:

1) Us arguing. I ask him how long he thinks he needs to finish the project. So, he is setting his own time limit. As long as he is actively working on the project, I don't call anyone.

2) If he does get in over his head, he doesn't have to admit it. He can just walk away and keep his pride. LOL!

[Writer]

71. I like that idea. n/t

[Deep13]

44. He obviously doesn't want to build it.

Hire someone if it means that much to you. Otherwise, forget it. As you say, it is a small matter and not worth the destruction of your marriage.

[amazona]

49. this is what men do -- no great Freudian hidden meaning

Men buy tools and then don't use them. Don't ask me. It's just the way of their people.

If you care about that area of the basement, I would 1) hire the Home Depot guys to finish the project or 2) (and this is what I usually do) I start working in my own pitiful way s-l-o-w-l-y and incompetently and constantly-bugging-my-partner-with-questions until he becomes completely flaggernasted and takes the project out of my hands and finishes it himself while shaking his head at my incompetency. Make it a contest and give him a chance to show his stuff, as it were. The results will likely be terrific.

If you couldn't care less about that area of the basement, just shut the door on it and blow it off. If he wants to waste his Christmas gifts on stuff he won't use or do, so what. You would have bought him something for Christmas anyway, so the money was going to be spent no matter what.

Small stuff doesn't mean anything significant in a marriage unless you like fights, therapy payments, and hassle. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff is the only good motto to come out of the 90s.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[Debi]

54. It's not just a male thing

I'm the one who buys tools and doesn't use them at our house - I feel ready to handle any project now - I just won't do it. :blush:

[SarahB]

50. I was married for 13 years.

I suppose I still am legally for another 12 days, but I digress. My ex-husband had a habit of completing 80-90% of projects and then leaving it for years at a time. If I said anything, he'd snap at me. Eventually I just learned to either be quiet as not to get him mad or finish it myself. Overall though, it was something I could live with and tolerate compared to some of the other things.

I guess I have no advice beyond what was said (and I've proved to be an utter failure at marriage/relationships in general), but in the course of stuff to deal with from a person, it's not so bad. I hope you can come up with a resolution. :)

[OffWithTheirHeads]

51. The guy is in over his head and afraid

He had a great idea and good intentions, however, as he thought it through he realised that he really doesn't know how to do this. Worse, if he builds it and it looks like shit, it will be on display for all to see (fate worse than death).

I have spent my entire life in construction and I know that we who have spent a lifetime learning "tool skills" can make it look effortless but if you have not developed those skills, it is a completly different story. Golf comes to mind. The guys on T.V. make it look like a piece of cake. The reality however is that after countless hours and thousands of dollars, I still have difficulty breaking 100.

Give the guy some slack and some time. Eventually, the unfinished project will become as embarrassing as the potentially finished one and he will find a solution.

And maybe a good carpenter.
Peace
Bud

P.S. Give him a hug too. His heart was in the right place even if his hands won't cooperate.

[Shell Beau]

55. My friend's hubby is the same way. He ripped

up their carpet bacause he was going to lay ceramic tile. That was 3 months ago. All you see is the concrete that was under the carpet and she is so frustrated. I don't know what to tell him except that it is important to you that he finish it since it was his idea in the first place.

[Book Lover]

59. Give up on having a bar

or start it yourself. When he askes what the deal is, tell him that you were fed up with waiting. A year and a half is long enough.

[Seabiscuit]

63. Procrastination can be a bitch to live with.

The guilt can be crushing at times, and create all kinds of emotional and irrational mental blocks. I know because it afflicted me at times in my past.

So remember that as frustrating as this is for you, it may even be more painful for him.

I would forget about talking about a contractor - cost is one of the excuses he's already used for the delay - that could just aggravate his mental block. Also, has he ever built something this extensive with his hands before? If not, perhaps cost was the only reason he imagined building it himself in the first place, and that's not a very positive motivation. It's a motivation based on avoidance - avoidance of construction fees - which could have created the mental block all by itself in the first place.

You've expressed plenty of anger already - perhaps it's time to let go of it - by now the pressure he feels from you is another major component in his mental block, causing further procrastination.

If you've only been married for four years, maybe he's had problems with procrastination in the past that you're unaware of. See if you can get him to open up about this in a nonjudgmental way.

I would simply try to work through the procrastination syndrome with him by asking nonjudgmental questions and just let him try to express his thoughts and feelings about it.

Such as: What were your feelings about having a wet bar when you first conceived of the idea? What led you to want to build it yourself? If it was just to save money, how did you really feel about the idea of building it? Were you excited about it when you first decided to build it? What was the first obstacle you experienced that caused you to put it off? How did you feel about getting those gifts from the family? How have you felt about it since? Etc., etc. You get the idea. Help him explore his *feelings* with you, not just his notions and rationalizations.

I know a year and a half of delays and excuses can seem like an eternity, but I once put something off that was far more important than a wet bar for four years. Four years! Now THAT hurt, every step of the way. I couldn't even get that monkey off my back while watching a movie in a movie theater. Because of its importance, I finally finished it and smote the monkey once and for all, and learned to enjoy life again.

Remember, a wet bar is still nothing but a wet bar, and it's a lot easier to undo the tile work he started than to complete a project if he's really lost interest in it, or simply cannot continue and complete the project due to mental blocks. It's a lot easier on both of you just to let go if it completely. And a marriage is far more valuable than a wet bar.

[uppityperson]

69. The IDEA is the important thing (planning, thinking) not accomplishing it

Projects can be that way. You get to think them up and talk about them, and plan for them and talk about them, and do charts and diagrams and buy tools and talk and research and think and plan and talk about them. Whether or not they get done is totally beside the point. The point is the idea and the projectness of it. Having people give you tools is great! So is having people discuss the project with you, or you with them I mean.

So, if you get into a situation where you need it done, get someone to come work with him. If it is just a project to plan and think, etc, and you can let it go, do so.

Getting it done may not be important. Aren't other people funny?

Been there, done that, still there, still doing that.

[Writer]

70. I just thought of something that I should mention

And again, thanks to everyone for your advise!

The area that has been tiled looks like a work zone. Baseboards have been pulled out of the wall, and there is no transition board going between the tile and the carpet. It's not exactly in selling condition.

I went to the Despot and purchased some transition board. I offered to sand and stain it.

"No!" he said. "Let me first lay down the wood so we'll know what length to cut it."

Anyway, that was my sad offer to help.

[fudge stripe cookays]

72. Tell him if it's not done by the end of the month,

you're calling a contractor and having someone ELSE finish it, regardless.

For my husband, the threat of spending money is always a motiviating factor.

Good luck! This sounds frustrating!
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