My 83 year old mother is being abused

[demnan]

by my two brothers who live with her. It was horrible today. I went to pick her up to take her shopping and one brother unloads his verbal trash. Then when I bring her back the other brother has at her. They are the most ungrateful stupid drunken assholes this side of the earth. Both free-loaders, and I can't get her to see she would be better off without either one of them to cook dinner for and take care of.

I'm trying to talk my mother into selling her house. She would make a comfortable profit and probably be able to get an assisted living apartment which she needs (she's legally blind and of limited mobility).

At least she came to stay with me overnight here, so for tonight I know she's safe, but I hate the prospect of taking her back over there. And I know she wants to go back because both my brother's are drinking like fish and there will be trouble. I told her today that I wouldn't care if she just gave them the fucking house and came to live with me (even though the quarters are small). I really feel relieved that she isn't over there tonight.

[Zuni]

1. That is horrible

I have a deadbeat Uncle who stole 30,000$ from my grandma over a period of years by forging checks...even though she always gave him money!!!!

[demnan]

3. It's just fucking crazy

she coddles and puts up with these assholes so in a way it's her fault, but anyone as frail and with the health problems she has shouldn't be subjected to such abuse.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. Women of that generation were brought up to cater to men

and "not talk back."

The older women in my family went to ridiculous lengths to cater to the men, including doing simple things that they could have done themselves, such as getting them a clean fork if they dropped theirs.

For someone brought up with such a mindset, it is hard to say no to one's sons. Your mother probably has been inculcated with the idea that it's her job to do whatever her sons ask, no matter how unreasonable. She is literally unable to say no to them.

[hickman1937]

2. This is bad. Why does she think she needs this crap? n/t

[demnan]

5. It's nuts I know

She really wanted to stay in her house, she said, but that's just an excuse. She's been wiping the asses of these deadbeats all their lives and both are in their 50's. And now all they give her is a lot of verbal shit.

[bertha katzenengel]

4. holy crap, N.

I'm sorry to hear it. I wish I could offer a solution. Any chance of taking a cop over there? :shrug:

[demnan]

7. No, one of my brothers is headed for jail in July

For inabililty to pay deadbeat dad charges. The other stinking piece of shit will stay there till he dies, I guess.

There is nothing anyone can do, and I've been living with this situation for a long time, just today they were both particularly nasty to her and absolutely disgust me. She has made her choice and her choice is to take care of them (sigh!).

Well I spent years on antidepressants over this situation and now it's tough to say what will happen. As she gets more helpless, they get more mean. Living with a mean alcoholic is the worst thing you can do in her situation.

[BlackVelvetElvis]

6. Take a look at this link.

http://www.apa.org/pi/aging/eldabuse.html
I feel for your mom. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

[demnan]

9. Thanks, I found that very interesting

I glanced through and will go back later and read at length. The problems my Mom is suffering is due as much to the fact that she lives with two alcoholics as anything else. And she is supporting them, not the other way around, so it is especially sickening. If it were a matter of living with and leaning on one of her children, both my oldest brother and I would be ready to stand in and help her, but it's not. She feels she has to help them. I know, it's absolultely insane. She doesn't have to! Financially she has a choice. She has a huge amount of equity in her home and in the D.C. area, that gives you a choice financially. Emotionally she is an enabler. My oldest brother can't even stand to come and stay at her house when he visits, he and his wife stay with me in my much smaller (but saner!) condo. The sight of my worthless brothers sickens him.

[hickman1937]

14. It sounds like there are 2 of you that should get together and

form a plan. She is in an abusive situation that can only get worse. If she was drinking herself stupid every night, would you intervene? She's co-dependant plus two. Go to some alanon meetings. Those people have been through it and back. If the first meeting you go to has too many people still in, try another. Contact a lawyer, and get your older brother on board. Do it now, before you get to the hospital and one of the drunks try to tell you that she just tripped.

[hickman1937]

8. How much time can you spend at her house to build a case?

I don't know the law, but there's got to be something to protect her. Are you absolutely positive that there's been no violence?

[demnan]

10. I don't think there has been physical violence, yet

but who knows when one of them will explode? The only thing I could do at this point is to join with my oldest brother and declare her insane and move her out against her will (my oldest brother's suggestion, not mine and to me that sounds like abuse as well.)

She is by all intents and purposes, alert and speaks well.

[cally]

11. Maybe you can get the court to appoint a trustee

who then will control the money. My husband's family has had a nightmare situation with his Grandmother. Without the boring details, this situation went on for years. Finally, my brother-in-law took it to court and had his Mom taken off as trustee and a court appointed trustee. It's much better now. Not only is Grandma getting better care but my m-i-l is no longer besieged by her siblings for money. (well, less so) Also, grandma's assets are kept for her longterm care and not spent by the children.

[GreenPartyVoter]

12. What Cally said *hugs*