Bouncy Ball's Big Thread O' Religious Humor

[Bouncy Ball]

Remember boys and girls, God is strong enough to handle a bit of humor. (And He can handle Harry Potter, just FYI if any fundies are lurking.) If you are not able to handle religious humor, you might want to hit the back button. Brought to you by your friendly neighborhood liberal Christian(tm). Please add your own contributions!



If you want to laugh today, read this:

http://tftb.com/deify/why_can.htm

And finally, who smote who.

"And before the days of the LORD, the Assyrians smote the Babylonians; and the Babylonians smote the Phoenicians; and the Canaanites smote the Hebrews; and the Egyptians smote everyone because they had a really kick-ass army. Then the LORD came upon the scene, and the Hebrews did a lot of smiting; then, while no one was looking, the Romans smote the Greeks; the Greeks smote the Spartans; and while everyone's back was turned, the Incas smote the Aztecs over in Central America, which no one had ever heard of anyway. Meanwhile, not to be outdone over in North America, the Timuacans smote the Cherokee; the Plains Indians smote the Sioux; and back in the land of the LORD, the Romans were smiting the Jews because Christians hadn't been invented yet.

Meanwhile, the Jews smote the Samaritans; the Pharisees smote the Sadducees; then, after the death of JESUS, the Romans smote the Christians for awhile. Then the Roman Empire fell and the Christians smote the Jews and the Pagans and anyone else who didn't toe the line. While they were busy smiting everyone, a new religion rose up near Mecca; they were called the MOSLEMS, and they smote the Arabic Pagans around them, who'd been smiting each other for quite awhile as well. Oh yes, speaking of Pagans, I hath forgot, over in Brittania the Celts were smiting the Romans who smited them first; then the Vikings came along and smote the Irish; then the Irish invented whiskey and they've been smiting each other ever since. Getting back to the land of the LORD, no, wait, I hath gotten mixed up, I meant the land of ALLAH, the Moslems smote the Jews, who hadn't done much smiting lately because everyone had been more powerful than them.

Now where was I? Oh, yes, the Christians had become so good at smiting their enemies that they'd smitten them entirely out of existence; so they turned around and began smiting each other; Albigensians, Waldensians, Manichaeans, Quakers, Puritans, and general all-purpose heretics. Then they went back to the land of the LORD (did I mention the Christians had had to travel to Europe before to find new peoples to smite?) and they smote around with the Moslems for awhile. Then the Moslems discovered there were Jews in their lands, so they lost interest in the Christians and smote Jews for awhile. Then, to make a long story short, the Puritans went to the New World and smote the Indians; the conquistadors went to Latin America and smote the Aztecs into extinction. Today, the Christians aren't smiting as many peoples as they used to, but the Jews and the Moslems are still going at it in the land of the LORD, the Serbs are smiting the Bosnians and the Moslems, the Tutsis are smiting the whites in South Africa (who'd done quite a bit of smiting of blacks before the fall of apartheid) and the Pagans aren't large enough or powerful enough to smite anyone anymore."

[Bouncy Ball]

1. Good for a chuckle or two:

http://tftb.com/deify/church-announce.htm

[Bouncy Ball]

2. This one is in honor of sniffa and Dookus

(different reasons for each, they'll know why):

http://tftb.com/deify/amish.htm

[Zuni]

3. Actually Bouncy, the text makes a lot of sense

and sadly it is true. The history of mankind has been one of endless wars, slavery, genocide, oppression --- no one race is guilty and no race escapes blame (for all you hata's out there).

[Bouncy Ball]

6. I just love it when the text reads

"Wait, I hath forgot..."

LOL.

[giant_robot]

4. Jesus And Moses On The Golf Course

Things are slow in Heaven one day, so Moses suggests to Jesus that they go down to Earth and play a round of golf; Jesus agrees.

On the first hole, there's a long fairway with a water hazard before the green. Standing at the championship tee, Moses points to the novice tees and says "Jesus, I think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus replies, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves Jesus' ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus insists, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus agaiin puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves the ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really don't think we can make it over the water from here. If you shoot from back here again and your ball goes in the water, I'm not going to get it."

Jesus again explains to Moses, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus again puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses looks at Jesus and stands at the tee, with no intention of retrieving Jesus' ball. Jesus figures he'll have to retrieve his own ball, so he walks down the fairway to the water hazard, and proceeds to walk on the water out to the point where his ball fell in.

Moses is still back at the tee when a foursome comes through and sees Jesus walking on water. "Holy mackerel!", one of them says, "Does that guy think he's Jesus?"

"No", Moses answers, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."


http://www.absolutelyjokes.com/religion/jesus/jesus-and-moses-on-the-golf-course.html

[CO Liberal]

My Favorite Religious Joke of All Time

A priest wanted to go on vacation, but was unable to find a priest to cover for him. So he called his friend the rabbi and asked him to do it. The rabbi agreed to, and the next Saturday he came over to learn what to do.

The priest gave him a tour of the church, telling him everything he had to do. When they got to the confessional, the priest said, "Look - it's just about tie for confessions. Come in with me - I'll do the first few to show you how it's done."

So they get into the center part of the confessional and the priest slides the first window open. On the other side of the panel is a woman.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned", she said. "I hit my husband on the head three times with a sledge hammer."

And the priest said, "Put a dollar in the box and pray to Mary."

The woman leaves. The priest closes the window, and opens the other one. On the other side of the panel is another woman.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned", she said. "I hit my husband on the head three times with a sledge hammer."

And the priest said, "Put a dollar in the box and pray to Mary."

The woman leaves, and the priest closes the window.

He turns to the rabbi and said, "Do you think you can handle it?"

The rabbi said, "Oh sure. You go ahead - have nice vacation."

The priest leaves, and the rabbi slides the first window open again. On the other side of the panel is a third woman.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned", she said. "I hit my husband on the head two times with a sledge hammer."

And the rabbi said, "Go back and hit him again - it's three for a dollar."

:-)

[Bouncy Ball]

5. Get out of hell free card!

Next time one of those nasty fundies tells you you're going to hell, just bust out one of these handy Get Out of Hell Free cards!