Falling in love a curse or a blessing ? female advice needed

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

Oki it has happened. A glance a second or two to long in her eyes, a glimpse on her smile on her half-hidden face partially behind her hair and ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

amor hit me broadsidely with his turbochainbow.

For years i have been unsure of what i want to do what to do with my life. but no more. the veil has lifted. i know this is the woman i want to marry in future.
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She 23 with son 5 years, sadly lost her mother to cancer a 2 weeks ago, much bad luck with not-so-shiny examples of the male half of the human species. financially poor.
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Me 26 years no kids. Rather shy when it comes to women i feel more for than just friends. (cancer?)
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My heart dictates policy, my brain finds solutions to achieve my goals.

My intent for myself is to acquire a job, a housing and generally be able to materially sustain a famille a trois (optional family size increases not excluded)and some lessons in childraising, and cardriving amongst some other less important endeavours).

I'd look so forward just to wrap my arms around her, or watch her sleep, her head half buried in the pillow or sitting on the bench watching the kids play. Damn i'd even look forward arguing with her yelling at each other. She's a wild rose that has a sharp mind and would require mine to remain so as well. Sweet and thorny she is.

Generally my goals to midwinter are set. its not a matter if, its a matter how. I'm confident i can achieve this (the mundane material matters).

But how do i win her heart? Young single mothers can you give me some hints?

I thought of beeing straight out to her and lay my plans open and she can favour it or not, more or less like a lady gives a favour to a knight and let me give her some advance proof of my will. but i'm afraid i'd steamroll her with it, she had a rough time lately.

Allthough i like the hide and look plays i'm more the pierce through the nonsense right to the point type. Scorpion style confrontational, direct honest.

might you help me out?

ow and i'm not kidding, it really hit me very hard.


edited for spelling even if its still lousy

[Rainbowreflect]

1. I would suggest moving a little slower.

I don't know this women, but she will probably want to protect her child. Jumping into a relationship too quickly is often harmful to the children that might be involved.
That being said, do take steps to move forward.
Good Luck!

[skygazer]

2. Spelling might be lousy but the writing is great

Okay, I'm a woman who can relate to her situation. I've been through less than ideal relationships and have had trouble with trust as a result. I've been a single mom. I've suffered a lot of ups and downs.

My advice? Be a friend to her. Be someone she can count on to make her smile, to give her a lift or a helping hand, to listen when she needs to talk.

Don't rush her. Don't try to immediately make it about romance. She needs to know she can count on you. What a young single mom needs much more than to be swept off her feet is to know that someone has her back. Ya know?

Be a friend. And let things happen at their own pace. Once she knows you're not looking for a quick thrill, that she can trust you and count on you, then you can move forward into something deeper. You're both young and have all the time in the world.

Good luck. Anyone who can write so beautifully about the girl he loves deserves to have her.

[sportndandy]

3. Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

Been there, had that done to me. Always bad to start a relationship with someone who has recently suffered tragedy. Is it love, or sympathy/empathy/compassion? And from my experience, women with children are dangerous. They (rightly) put their children first. That means you come last, and when push comes to shove you are gone. Also, it is like starting a relationship with multiple partners. If the relationship ends you lose more than one person, you lose everyone involved.

I had girlfriend with two little boys, and when I got dumped I was just as upset about losing the kids as I was about losing her. It was definitely not worth it.

[TNDemo]

4. Love her kid.

Not like Michael Jackson, mind you, but there is nothing quite so attractive to a mother as someone who loves her child. And don't fake it - truly get to know the child, include him with your time together with her, base decisions on the child's welfare. The child's welfare might include things don't suit your own agenda and you have to be mature enough to be okay with that.

And be a great friend with her. If you can laugh together, you can live together (just made that up but it's true).

[SarahB]

5. Treat her as you would any woman.

Just because someone has a child doesn't mean they are any different from any other woman. We have the same needs and wants within a relationship. We want to feel listened to, respected, wanted, etc. The only difference is that she has an increased level of responsibility and if the child's father is of no help, a ton of responsibility on her shoulders, so if you truly like her for herself, don't make her feel flawed somehow or that she has "baggage" and she's lucky to have you. That's the one thing that will never wash with me as I enter singledom again. I have children, but I am an awesome woman on all levels and any man who had that attitude with me would be quickly kicked to the curb. Children aren't easy, so be prepared for that, but if she's a good mom who loves her child and sets limits and provides an atmosphere of nurture and structure, all will work out. Go slowly and enjoy this person in your life. I wish you the best. :)

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

6. thanks for your responses

i will take it in consideration. i'll throttle down i guess.

[radwriter0555]

7. HELP her. Help with the house, with chores, with dishes, with driving..

we single moms NEED HELP sometimes. Just for stuff around the house and in the living of life. Driving the kid to school, getting dinner ready.

Don't be a doormat, BE a man, but act like a husband should act.

Even if you don't have money right now, your time is worth gold. Woo her. Be nice to her. Take her on dates. Be nice to her kid without being a freak about it.

Just be yourself.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

8. kick for more tips

[jpgray]

9. Women with kids are much different than women without

The kids come first, you come last. Be prepared for that, and be prepared for the kid to treat you like crap because he/she knows it.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

13. last place won't do

i have no problem with the kid beeing first. should it come to pass the kid would be my own first priority too. a second place for me must be achieveable though, if there shall be a relationship.

But since my chances with her are slim at best i'll just use the push of emotions to strenghten my roots and my foothold.

Friendship she has no matter what and help i will, all she has to do is to ask. but she knows that.

at the end of the year i'll let her know what an inspiration she has been and what i achieved with it (if not before).

monday is cancer testing on my part and i got an ill feeling about it. depending on the result the idea of winning her over and all that above will die with me - quite literally.

[xmas74]

10. Slow down.

I'm a single mom and I would be frightened of someone if they said that to me. Be her friend. Talk to her, plan events that include her child. Take picnics to the park, play catch, go on hikes-cheap and easy to get involved in.

[Floogeldy]

11. Oh Lord

Don't do anything rash. Trust me.

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[gardenista]

12. Hang in 2nd gear for a few months. She's been through a lot

and is probably trying to just get her bearings right now.

Take it slow, and help out with her kid. May be good to really focus on YOURSELF for a little while, too. You say you want to do a couple of things to make yourself better able to handle some of the responsibilities that come along having a family.

Work on that stuff, but for YOU. You have had a door opened, been able to see a vision of your future that appeals to something deep inside you. It means that you probably want that for yourself as well as for her. Work on making that real for YOU. And if it's the right chemistry, she will probably come along of her own volition.

And if she doesn't, you will have paved the way for that future for you.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

14. you spelled out what intend to do

shes my wind however even if it's my ship that gets ahead.

[yvr girl]

15. I'm not a single mom, but take it slow

Most woman are pretty cautious about adding men in their lives when they have kids to consider.

I'd be a little scared of a guy who claimed to be in love with me after knowing me for 2 weeks. Especially if he had an elaborate future drawn up for us.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

16. actually

i "know" her for longer. She's been a nuisance to the p&p group sessions some years ago when we played at her brothers place (he beeing DM). Her appearance ALWAYS led to shouting and yelling and in the end disruption.

The hit wasn't my choosing. And i couldn't tell you how or why. Perhaps fates punishment for my rant earlier this year about gals going for the evul guys and the good ones have cope with the mess they leave behind. Dunno. It's a great feeling but i can't explain it.

I think her son can't swim and bike yet, i could check this out. As busy as she is, she might not have had the opportunity to teach it to junior yet. I'll check that out.

I'll avoid her for the next few days though, too much contact lately.

edit spelling

[LTR]

17. Sounds like you're looking to move a bit too fast

She's a young single mom who just lost her mother two weeks ago. And you're looking to turn her hectic world instantly upside-down.

Slow way the heck down!

I'm in a similar boat. I work with a wonderful gal who is also a single mom (and one that seems a bit wary of men). Yeah, of course I'm smitten. But I made it a point to become her friend first, to the point that she really does seem to trust me now, and is actually starting to bring me in to her inner circle (I met her daughter a few times and get along with her well). Our hectic schedules have made it a little difficult to get together, but hopefully we will soon.

But first off, you must take it slow. Become her friend. Be a great conversationalist with her. Make her laugh. Send a "just thinking of you" card or email. Keep it very casual, without hounding her or becoming obsessed. Make it easy for her to like you. Hell, if you play it right, she may even desire you more.

A few rules:

1. Don't move too fast. Guys don't like to be forced into relationships, and neither do women.

2. Kids come first. Respect that. You should also do your best to treat the child with as much respect as possible. Your odds increase when you win the child over.

3. Likely, the mom is not looking for a new dad for her son. Her son's dad may very well be in the picture, but mom may just not think too much of him, save for the whole family thing and the child support check.

4. For cryin' out loud - get a job! Work on yourself before you work on her. No offense, but most women don't usually fall for guys with no future.

5. Become friends first. Just because she has dazzled you with her beauty doesn't mean that she's a raging pit bull with a pretty ugly personality. I've been around long enough to not fall in love at first sight. I'm very picky, and looks have little to do with it. If she's pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside, I'm not the least bit interested. That's why I take my time and get to know the person first. If we can carry on long conversations, she makes me smile or laugh or is an absolute sweetheart, then I may very well be interested.

6. Finally, don't set your expectations too high. If the plan fails, it's gonna really hurt.

Best of luck to you. Keep us updated.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

18. reads like sound advice

writing from work ;) just need more of it... if i win the rochade i'll have the other 60% of the the roughly 4000$ a month job. so much for future.

about the rest you're right i'll knock down the frenzy enthusiasm and get normal again. and heed your advice.

ow and we've talked a lot allready and we made each other smile several times. It's not i'm a stranger to her nor she to me.