Got any really funny jokes or photos to cheer a depressed person?

[bertha katzenengel]

Offering temporary smiles is all I can do for her. Jokes or photos! Jokes or photos! Jokes or photos!

Here's an idea of the type of photo:

WINNER OF THE "NOT MY JOB" AWARD


Wait -- NOT looking for road kill. Looking for funnies, like that photo PLUS ITS CAPTION. 'K? :bounce:

Thank you, my friends

[Richardo]

1. I'm still laughing at this one....

Thanks, LynneSin! :D

[davidinalameda]

2. isn't PhotoShop wonderful

LOL

[bertha katzenengel]

4. That is fantastic.

It made me laugh, but my sister isn't political and I doubt she's even heard of Jeff Gannon.

but thanks!

[jpgray]

25. I feel sorry for people who don't smoke or do drugs

Because one day they'll be lying in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.

-Redd Foxx

:D

[punpirate]

3. A fairly recent one....

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home and picked up
the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

[bertha katzenengel]

7. good one!

:bounce:

[bif]

5. Check out my cartoon for the day

http://george2.keenspace.com

[bertha katzenengel]

19. Thanks, bif!

:hi:

[bif]

27. You're welcome

I try to update it every day. So check back once in a while.

[dubyaD40web]

6. I found this funny

[bertha katzenengel]

20. Ah... we looooove Pancake Bunny!

:bounce:

[ret5hd]

8. i thought this was funny when i posted it:

if you've already seen it and didn't think it was funny...sorry.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=3003188&mesg_id=3003188

[bertha katzenengel]

18. Not her style, but thanks, ret5hd.

:hi:

[paula777]

41. That is hilarious!

[Squatch]

9. Here's a crapload! Enjoy!

http://www.bikerfox.com/foxphotos/

[bertha katzenengel]

17. I sent her a couple of those under the header "sexiest man alive"

she said "I was expecting Sam Elliot." :7

[demnan]

10. I'm sorry she is depressed

Here is Pad Thai - lord of the beanie babies and master of the mouse pad. He always cheers me up.

[bertha katzenengel]

16. What an amazing beauty.

She'll love Mouse Pad Thai. ;)

[tjwash]

11. Here's a few for you...

Hope you feel better.:hi:










(My day in a nutshell yesterday)

[bertha katzenengel]

15. Heh. All great.

Thanks!

[flamingyouth]

12. I'm glad I clicked on this thread.

I'm feeling quite low myself. Hope she feels better soon too. :)

[bertha katzenengel]

14. I hope YOU feel better soon, FY.

:hug:

[AlCzervik]

13. i've got 1 for you

i've posted this before but is still makes me laugh

[bertha katzenengel]

22. thanks, chimpy

it makes me laugh every time. especially condi on the end.

[cheezus]

21. How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and another to hold the penis... i mean, ladder

[bertha katzenengel]

23. We've told each other that joke several times lately.

We are getting older. Every time we ask each other, "did I already tell you this?"

[MissMillie]

42. That's hysterical!

My family is going to love it!

[Skittles]

24. My cat Clancy has SVENGALI EYES

He commanded me to adopt him from the pound and now he is commanding your friend to cheer up:

[bertha katzenengel]

26. Clancy is an amazingly gorgeous kitty, Skittles

You're lucky. :bounce: Thanks for the photo. I can feel her cheering up already -- even from 2,600 miles away!

How long ago did you adopt him?

[Skittles]

28. going on seven years now

I've always loved black cats because of the way their eyes dominate their face - and Clancy's eyes are as big as quarters. :D

[bertha katzenengel]

29. Just beautiful.

:bounce:

[Skittles]

31. thanks Bertha!

you are cheering ME up! I'm in-between a doctor appt for a physical and a dentist appointment for a cleaning! I can't remember WHAT prompted me to make those appointments on the same day! :o

[bertha katzenengel]

32. Dang. Well, here: cheer up a little more...

...if you haven't already seen this:

[Skittles]

36. that is a GREAT photo

I wish I had snapped a picture of my city cat getting his ass kicked by Tom's rooster Sir Walter - Clancy made the mistake of trying to sniff Walter's ass. :o

[tjwash]

30. Here's one taken on laundry day...

she loves sleeping on my wifes clothes for some reason.




As well as scoping out the sunny spot on the floor

[bertha katzenengel]

33. What's her name, TJ?

She looks like our Domino, a feral male.

[tjwash]

37. Names Isis, and she is an indoor cat.

Never goes outside, even if we leave all the doors and windows open. That's a good thing here. We live on the edge of a canyon, and the coyotes have a field day with outdoor cats here.

[bertha katzenengel]

44. Great name.

I'm glad she doesn't go out.

Thanks again for the photo!

[barackmyworld]

34. So there's these two muffins in an oven

and one says "Damn! It's hot in here!"
and then the other one goes "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

[Spider Jerusalem]

35. Where were you when the Oswalds played their last gig?

[dean_dem]

54. Howard Dean's band could open:

[progmom]

38. check this out

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x3003889

:hi:

[Heidi]

39. Enjoy this one, Cats' Angel!

Here's the specter at my patio door almost every morning: my sister-in-law's ever-hungry cat, Barley.



"This is a stick-up. Gimme all your dry cat food, and nobody gets clawed."

[bertha katzenengel]

46. What a cutie pie!

:bounce:

[MissMillie]

40. Not funny, but he always cheers me up

Mr. Peebles:

[bertha katzenengel]

51. thank you MissMillie

I like Mr. Peebles!

[tjwash]

43. So one day, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are playing golf...

...and after the round, they are both in the locker room, and Dubya notices how well "gifted" Bubba is. He asks "Damn Willy, if I had me one like that, I'd keep Laura happy every night. What's your secret?"

"Aw shucks" replies Bill, it's actually pretty simple, every night, before I have sex, I just take it out and give it a good slap on the side three time, just like this":

*slap* *slap* *slap*

"You keep on with that, and you'll end end up like a five legged Clydesdale boy..."

That evening, Dubya is in the bedroom with Laura, and is feeling a bit frisky. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He then remembers Bubbas trick and thinks to himself "oh what the hell." He whips it out and:

*slap* *slap* *slap*

Suddenly he hears Laura's voice coming from the bedroom:

"Bill? is that you?"

[redqueen]

45. No captions here, just funny & cute pics...

:hi:

[Ian David]

47. My favorite pics

When innocently performing a Google Image Search for "Bambi"...


... Here is why it's a good idea to use "safe search"...























































































































This is what happens when Iraqi insurgents capture the pilot of an un-manned Predator Drone:




And here is where James Guckert REALLY came from:



The AARP resonds to Bush's Social Security plan:




Tonight on CSI: Hundred Acre Woods

[CornField]

48. Yet more

Sexy Chick


Someone always has it worse than you do


Why fleas should be treated before things get out of control


Clues that your girlfriend is cheating


Gotta start them young

[edbermac]

49. Here's a pic of me in my company's bathroom...

My framing is a little off...too many beers for lunch...:beer:

[mdmc]

50. I used to work as a delivery driver / assistant for a meat company

One day we had to delivery hot dogs to a local county carnival / fair.

I was assisting a driver. The driver said to me, "Careful. These carnies will rob us blind if we don't keep our eyes peeled."

The driver unlocked the back of the truck, and climbed in. I stood lookout. While I was reading the order off to the driver, I felt something pound me on the head. At first I thought that a carnie had snuck up on me and sucker punched me on the back of my head. The force was so powerful that it almost knocked me down; I had to support myself on the back of the truck. I spun around, ready to fight.

It turned out that a bird had shit on me! The bird was so high in the air that I couldn't even see it. I yelled out, "Someone hit me!" The driver dropped what he was doing and ran to the back of the truck. I turned around to see if there was anyone running away from the truck. When I turned around the driver saw the bird-shit running down the back of my head and down my shirt.

The driver laughed so hard that he pissed his pants! He told me that "where he was from" having a bird shit on you was good luck. This was when he pee'd.

This is not much of a joke, but it should do the trick...

[Seabiscuit]

52. Prinderella and the Chince

Twonce upon a wime
There was a gritty little pearl named Prinderella
Who lived all alone
With her two sugly isters
And her sticked wepmother
Who made her fleep the soors,
Gake out the tarbage,
And cheep the swimneys.

One dine fay the parming chince
Decided to throw a drancy fess ball.
All the lords and ladies were invited
Even Prinderella's two sugly isters
And her sticked wepmother.
But poor Prinderella wasn't invited.

But bo and lehold
On the night of the drancy fess ball
Prinderalla's gary fodmother appeared
In a smowd of cloke
And turned a chumpkin into a parriot
With three hite whorses
Who drove Prinderella to the drancy fess ball
Where she met the parming chince,
And they danced all night.

Until the toke of strelve
When Prinderella tried to run home
But stipped on the slairs
And slopped her dripper.

The parming chince sound the flipper
And took it to the first sugly ister
And she slide on the tripper
But it fidn't dit.
The second sugly ister slide on the tripper
And it fidn't dit either.
Even the sticked wepmother slide on the tripper
And it fidn't dit at all.

But when Prinderella slide on the tripper
It fid dit
And they all hived wappily ever lafter.

[dean_dem]

53. First the photo:

Terr'ists beware:


Joke:
I got a new voice-activated car radio the other day. It's great, I say "Rock," and it plays rock music. I say "Rap" and it plays rap music. Then some kids jumped in front of front of my car. I yelled "Fucking kids!" and it played Michael Jackson.

[noonwitch]

55. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?

For sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying "Lie to me, Lie to me".