Something I Never Considered (a letter to nostamj)

[Plaid Adder]

I have been writing this in my head since last night. I'm posting this here because I don't know where else to send it.
******************
Dear Jeff,

A little while ago you and I got into a conversation on some GD thread about whether there was a God or an afterlife. We agreed that it was hard to believe in the idea of a personal, involved God, the kind that cares whether the Illini or the Tarheels win the NCAA championship or would intervene to tip a military battle toward one side or the other. I said that I hope that there is something else besides just the material world and that whatever it is must be very sad about what we human beings do to each other. I think that was a little too optimistic for you in the mood you were in, but in the end we figured that we were more or less on the same page.

I don't know where you are now. The death of someone you only know through language is a very strange thing. I never met you in real life, so I will not have to miss you that way. But I will miss you very much all the same. I hope, and I guess I must believe, that you are going on somehow, in some way, and that this letter will somehow reach you. But, what the hell do I know.

I went back through my inbox and I found the message I sent you after you announced that you had been downsized. I am glad that at least I did tell you that I cared about you and that you were important to a lot of people here. There are other things that I wish now I had told you. You know, I hope, how excited I was about the _Question W Revue_ and how happy I was to get the tape. I wish I could have seen it live, but I still got hours of entertainment playing the soundtrack in the car. "That's Infotainment" made me laugh out loud every time, no matter how often I'd heard it before. And I also was always glad to hear "A Dream" every time it came around. I know from the program that you and Brooks had already done a lot of shows together, but it was the first time that anything I'd written had ever been performed outside of a private party. I'm really grateful to you for having wanted to include it, and it makes me so sad to know that you will not be around to stage the revision/revival of Question W that you started planning after the election.

I identified with you, I guess, because we were both writers trying to make a difference, and because we were both gay and therefore similarly appalled about a lot of things. You were a lot more gutsy than I have been about trying to make creativity your profession, and I really admire that. You had the courage to keep putting yourself out there, and I could tell that sometimes it was hard on you but it must also have been very rewarding. I wish I had told you all this while you were still alive; but in a way, I didn't really know until now how much my connection with you was about respect not just for your talent but for your willingness to stick to a task that I abandoned years ago. And then of course I never expected you would disappear so quickly.

More people knew you through the cartoons threads than for anything else. I did always love the toons threads; sometimes I would wait a full 10 minutes for the images to load through my crappy dial-up connection at home, squinting as Danziger's filled itself in pixel by pixel and Toles took its own sweet time. But it makes me sad to think of how much else has disappeared with you. I remember once in GD you posted a parody of "The Rainbow Tour" about Dubya's jaunt through Latin America and the two of us kept the thread kicked through about 50 posts by ourselves just by discussing the merits of the various different recordings of *Evita,* waiting to see if anyone else would ever walk into the room. I'll always remember that fondly, as one example of how even in a place that gets as much traffic as Grand Central you can still carve out your own space and make individual friendships.

Out in the writing forum on the Dystopia Challenge I started you posted a short piece about the anti-gay backlash of the future, which ended with "I'm heading for the underground. I hope they like show tunes." I never expected you to leave so soon. I hope you found somewhere to be. And I hope they like show tunes.

Peace,

The Plaid Adder
================
This is something I never considered,
This is something I never considered at all.
Now I live in a country where buildings can fall...

--Jeff Matson, "Something I Never Considered"
================

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Beautiful.

[Cooley Hurd]

2. PA, thank you for sharing this with us...

nostamj will be missed greatly, that's for sure...:cry:

:hug:

[LynzM]

3. Wow...

That's a wonderful letter... I think you should send it to Jeff's family- I think they would like to hear it, even if they don't know you personally. I hope they are on here and see the threads about Jeff, and realize how much he was loved here and how he will be missed. :hug:

[Plaid Adder]

4. I sent it to his inbox

I figure someone from his family will clean it out at some point. I don't know his family, but if anyone who does wants to forward it I would be glad to know it got to them.

Sigh,

The Plaid Adder

[LynzM]

5. You might also PM it

To CaliforniaPeggy... it sounds like she was in contact with Jeff's sister. Sighs here, as well :( :hug:

[Plaid Adder]

6. Good idea, thanks n/t

[CaliforniaPeggy]

18. Hi, LynzM,

As you can see, PA did PM me and now I've just read her letter to Jeff. Thank you for your very kind suggestion to her...Otherwise, I might not have seen this thread. And I'm so very glad I did.

:grouphug:

[Rainbowreflect]

7. Beautiful,

you made me cry all over again.
I know what you mean about "The death of someone you only know through language is a very strange thing." It seems like it should not hurt, but it does.

[Bozita]

8. Thank you, Plaid Adder

[THUNDER HANDS]

9. aww

<sniff>

:(

[DistressedAmerican]

10. Nominated. Very Nice Thread!

I had similar experiances with Jeff. We met online. We had common anti-Bush graphic arts interests. We exchanged website links and cross pubbed each others cafepress stores.

We corresponded some. But, now I wish it had been more. I guess there is a lesson in that somewhere...

Thanks Jeff for everything.:pals:

[Plaid Adder]

11. I found that thread I was talking about in the first paragraph:

Here it is:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=104&topic_id=1486215

It's a thread Jeff started about the bombing of Falljuah. Christ what a history we have all lived through together.

And here's the first version Jeff posted of "Something I Never Considered"

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=104&topic_id=133783#133815

The song got revised a lot before it was included in the review.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[hunter]

31. Wow.

Do click on the first link, folks, it's a good one.

The bees in my head are a little quiet tonight.

Thanks, Plaid Adder.

[Lisa0825]

12. Really beautiful. (nt)

:-(

[Marnieworld]

13. Plaidy

That was so beautiful. I'm sitting at work trying not to cry at my desk. Nostamj touched me as well. It's amazing when you can connect to just words on a screen. I read the thread you linked to "WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN THE TOWERS CAME DOWN?" and it was the absolute best thing I"ve seen written about 9/11. That day was so horrific that we've all learned (or at least some of us try) to compartmentalize the pain of that day. Your piece captures the sadness because it illustrates all of the types of experiences and stories that were there during that time. When it is that clear we can't forget and that is a good thing.

I spoke with Nostamj online after we watched a 9/11 movie and we comforted each other. After that I was always happy to his screen name. There are so many screen names here that I would miss if they left us like him. You for one. I love your articles and it's always nice to see you post. After reading the thread that you linked to I definitely believe that Jeff considered you a friend as well and would mourn the loss of you as deeply. Thank you for once again articulating what so many of us think and feel.

[Plaid Adder]

17. Jeff's ballad was very moving in performance

I have unfortunately lost the tape, but hope to come across it again.

This sucks,

THe Plaid Adder

[sonias]

14. A great letter PA

A great tribute. Jeff will be missed.
Somehow I think he's reading that letter now too.

Sonia

[frictionlessO]

15. Eloquent and silent cry worthy.... thank you.

rest you away a while yet and find there in the comfort that was always yours...

[spooky3]

16. Truly lovely. Thanks for sharing it.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

19. My dear PLaid Adder,

I am so honored to have you include me in your thoughts. I am really no-one, just a person who happened to correspond with Jeff a couple of times. His sister contacted me as a result of my having emailed Jeff earlier. That's where all this started. Just the accident of being in the right place at the right time, so to speak.

Your letter to Jeff is wonderful and beautiful. You put your heart on the page and it is so moving. You are helping to build his memorial; it may never be done since he accomplished so much in his 49 years. We are so enriched by his being among us, even for so brief a time.

We all must die; but his came much too soon. I just hope he went easily, without pain.

Thank you again.

:grouphug:

[jakeplays]

20. Jeff's family has your letter now.

PA:

Thank you for the wonderful letter. I will distribute it to the rest of Jeff's family and friends when I see them this weekend.

Jeff's Brother In law,

Jim

[Plaid Adder]

25. Thanks, Jim.

I am so sorry about Jeff. Please pass on my condolences to the rest of his family.

:sad:

The Plaid Adder

[Coventina]

21. Thanks again, PA, for being such a caring voice.

Your tributes to Kef and now nostamj have been beautiful and cathartic to read.


I hope for an afterlife. I'd like to think that Kef and nostamj are together and having a great time.

:cry:

on edit: spelling error

P.S. thanks nostamj, for helping me write that paper back in March 2003. I got an "A" on it. I can't remember now if I ever told you that.

[Dem2theMax]

22. Thank you so much for letting us read this letter.

Somehow, it helps.

Still can't believe Jeff is gone. Wherever he is, may he be at peace.

[Lisa]

23. of course they like show tunes!

Cole Porter and all the greats will be there. I bet he and Jeff are already planning an original production.

[blondeatlast]

24. Beautiful thoughts. Thank you, PA. nt

[Bullwinkle925]

26. Very touching - and beautifully written.

[Sugarbleus]

27. Plaid, thank you for sharing more of Jeff than I ever knew...

Your beautiful letter to him has made me weep. I miss him already..

What a spectacular tribute!!

[Straight Shooter]

28. Thank you, Plaid.

My first thought this morning was of Jeff, and I've had conversations with him in my mind all day, wishing I had told him how much I respect him, how much I admire him for bringing the toons to DU twice a week. You've got to have a lot of love in your heart for your country and your fellow members on DU to go through so much trouble, week after week. Jeff was a fighter, but an honorable fighter.

P.A., you have put into words the emotions I can't quite understand or express right now, this sadness for someone who lived larger than life on DU. Knowing someone through language, yes, that's one way to look at it, definitely, but we also saw his photo on his web site, and that made him more real (you could see the kindness and the mischief).

Jeff created a bumper sticker at my request, Dear Troops, Wish You Were Here because another DU'er had it on a poster at a protest and I wanted it memorialized. I know how much effort he put into making it just right. It was beautiful, just perfect. He even made the United States in purple, to signify that America is not so divided as the media would have us believe. Now I'll always think of Jeff when I look at it.

I don't know about anyone else. For me, DU will never be the same again. So I'll just say, Dear Jeff, Wish You Were Here

:cry:

--------------

[Iterate]

29. Thank You

Only a few months ago I noticed a forum, all about politics and progressive viewpoints. I was seeking, not knowing, so I read for a while, learned some names, got a feel for the place. Went back a couple of days later, still wandering, and someone was just posting news of the loss of a friend few could have met, Kef. I eavesdropped on their grief for a few minutes, but I saw that this is someplace special, full of kind and generous people. It's not about politics.

[peacebuzzard]

30. PA, a beautiful eulogy .... to your respected virtual friend.

a terrible loss for the audience.

[JanMichael]

32. I miss him too. BTW what do we know about his Health Insurance situation?

I remember too how he'd been downsized and IIRC he had trouble keeping his ridiculously expensive COBRA.

Which leads me to believe that he may have been yet another victim of out nations "Numero Uno" health care scam.

It's just so damned sad.

[Dudley_DUright]

34. I could not help but to think the same thing JM

When will we consider health care a basic human right in this country like practically every other industrialize country on the face of the earth? Have we come down to the horrifying situation where losing your job = lose your health care = risk losing your life?

[anarchy1999]

42. Dear JM, this a little too much, I fear you may be right. Please God,

let it please not be so. I think that might be more than my heart can bear.

Please may we all keep in mind the most recent talking point that "they" just won't let up on:

"Culture of Life". Just what does that mean in the neo-con handbook?

I miss Jeff, losing Keph was hard, losing Jeff is harder. Too much, too soon.

[papau]

33. very nice - a well written and moving piece, Plaid Adder. Thanks for

sharing it.

[NVMojo]

35. Thank you, Plaid Adder. And thank you, Nostamj, for being part of DU

[Nothing Without Hope]

36. Thank you, PA. I never met Jeff, but the heartfelt emotion pouring out

of you and his other friends here teaches me enough about him that I am deeply saddened by what I have lost without even realizing it. Looking through that year-old thread you linked to above, I was struck by this entry of Jeff's:

One thing I DO believe in is the eternity of the 'soul'. I believe that a soul takes on physical form to learn (here and many many other planes and places) lessons that can only be learned 'in the flesh'.

So, Physical death is never Spiritual death. That sustains me, to some extent.

That is a positive view, one I also try to maintain despite intruding doubts. From everything I have read about Jeff, here and in the other threads about him, I think he did very well in Einstein's perception of life's challenge:

A human being is a part of the whole, called by us, "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.

From everything I have read, Jeff's circle of compassion embraced a great many people, and he was greatly loved for everything he was. So much love is not only a great achievement, it is the best possible legacy. Let us all remember this and keep our hearts open.

[Garbo 2004]

37. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your letter with us. n/t

[MrScorpio]

38. That was beautiful

Good show, Plaid Adder

[Name removed]

39. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[movie_girl99]

40. that was lovely Plaid

thanks for sharing it with us. I'm sad that I only knew of Jeff through his TOON's, from what those who knew him say he was a very courageous, caring man.

[anarchy1999]

41. Thank you PlaidAdder, this is a beautiful eulogy to nostamj.

:cry: :grouphug:

Personally I believe Skinner should consider putting it on the home page for at least a day. Starting TODAY!

[khashka]

43. Thank you Plaid Adder

I don't know if he could hear you but I sure hope so. Either way, others of us hear you. I sometimes think the only way people live on is through the memory of those whose lives they touched - profoundly or accidentally. If that's the only immortality we can hope for, you did him proud.

There is a little piece of my memory of him that is your memory of him. And I thank you for that.

In sadness and hope,
Khash.