Living Will jokes

[joefree1]

By ROBERT FRIEDMAN, Perspective Editor

Published March 27, 2005

Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent events to prepare a
more detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues. Here's
what mine says:

* In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want
medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my
hellish semiexistence. Fifteen years wouldn't be long enough for me.

* I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging in
a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank
accounts.

* I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an
interminable vigil at my bedside. I'd be really jealous if she waited
less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a
semblance of a normal life.
More ...
http://www.sptimes.com/2005/03/27/Columns/Living_will_is_the_be.shtml
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Living Will
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind
and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
ethically challenged politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology
if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a
__________________ ( cold beer, Margarita, Bloody Mary, Martini, Rum &
Coke, shot of Wild Turkey, etc...you get the idea) it should be
presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is
reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians
to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature
(State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their
own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education
and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.

I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge
for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics
with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know
these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and
crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make
his or her existence a living hell.

_____________________
Signature


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