i need some advice

[AlCzervik]

About 1 1/2 years ago i witnessed a terrible car accident, i called 911 and waited at the scene for the ambulance and police to get there, I knew the passenger was dead, when i saw it happen and it was confirmed quickly by the police. I've thought a lot about that girl who died that day, she was 17 and a senior in high school, she and her friend were drinking before school and that resulted in the accident. Anyway, her mom wrote a column in my local paper talking about how she was still grieving and how people kept telling her to get on with her life and how she resents that. The editor of the paper asked for people with a similar experience to write to her, I'm wondering if i should write to her to let her know that i think about her daughter every time i drive down that street but i don't want to make her grief worse. I wondered if it would help her to know that someone else was thinking about her daughter.

[wryter2000]

1. It sounds as if she wants to hear from people

If she wanted her daughter's death to be left alone, she wouldn't have contacted the paper, is my guess. Maybe others will have more advice.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

2. It's hard to say, but I don't think it would really help her.

She DOES probably need to move on with her life. Whether she resents it or not, her life continues, with or without her.

[Straight Shooter]

3. You sound very compassionate. Yes, write the letter.

The only thing worse than losing a child is thinking that it doesn't matter to anyone else.

[Kelvin Mace]

4. your instinct are good

Write her.

[Enraged_Ape]

5. I think that would be really sweet

I think that would show her that her daughter's life touched and affected complete strangers, even to the very end.

And I think it would help you as much as it would help her.

[skygazer]

6. I think it might help if worded properly

One thing I've noticed about our modern world is that we're very uncomfortable with acknowledging death. We tend to try to ignore it and make it go away whereas in former times, people formally grieved - there was specific clothing that marked a person in mourning and societal rules surrounding it.

That may have been TOO much but it at least acknowledged the fact that people who lose a loved one do grieve and that it is a long process, longer for some than for others. One can't just "get over it" and there's no real time frame that we all do it in.

One thing that people do is avoid the subject of the deceased. While it's often done to avoid hurting the bereaved, it often results in them feeling that their loved one is forgotten. To talk about someone you've lost keeps them "alive" a little longer for you, gives you memories and assures you that they are not forgotten.

The context of your contact with her daughter would be painful to her but perhaps if you avoided any real detail about that and simply assured her that you have not forgotten what happened, it might provide some comfort. The fact that you were aware that she died quickly (inferring that she didn't suffer overmuch) might be comforting as well.

Tough call. Sad situation.

[AlCzervik]

9. Thats whats i was worried about, the details but i think your suggestion

is very helpful, i'll write it out a few times and maybe send it to the editor for her thoughts on it. Thanks.

[gardenista]

7. When you lose someone in a horrible way like that, it is VERY hard

to "move on". And it takes much longer than 1 1/2 years. You never really forget about it, and when I lost a friend in an accident, it took me about 2 years just to stop thinking it was her coming around a corner when I saw people who looked like her.

I agree with the others here who say that you have a good instinct, and that if you are careful about how you word your letter, it could be comforting to her to know that there are others out there that still think of her daughter.

[jswordy]

8. Yes, it will help her with her process. It is a damn shame that...

...our society allots 2 weeks time to grief, and then you are supposed to get over it. I have been at some level mourning the death of my mother for two YEARS. It is a long process, and a healthy one. I feel fortunate that I was already aware it would be a long process. Many people are not aware of that, and they feel like they are abnormal when they cannot "just get over it" when our fucked up society demands they do so after those 2 weeks are up.

Your letter can help you BOTH deal with the grief process you both are going through.

[meegbear]

10. Your post answers your own question.

Do it.

[MuseRider]

11. Write it.

It might help you too. I searched all last year for a young man who helped me pull a man out of an upside down burning car. The passenger was stuck. As I helped the man that we got out of the car the other man tried to get the passenger out and was unable to. The car blew up. The young man was terribly upset about the passenger burning to death, as was I but there was nothing else we could have done(the HiPo would not come near the car). I found out that the passenger died instantly by a dissected aorta so he did not burn to death but was already dead. I would give anything to find the young man who was so upset. I know I certainly felt better knowing that.

It seems she may be asking to hear from someone kind who was there when her daugher died. It might help her and it might not but it certainly won't make it worse. BTW, I can't imagine anyone telling a mother to get on with her life a year and a half after such a tragedy. She will get on when she is ready, if ever.