HELP!!! Need some advice

[Samurai_Writer]

Hi all,

I need some advice on a situation that has come up. I have two friends, a married couple, who I have known for about 4 years. We were close, the three of us, until they started having marriage problems last year. The wife left the husband and the kids. She had gone through a very difficult pregnancy and I suspect post partum depression played a large part of it.

During that time, I gave my support to the husband, listened to him, comforted him (platonically only, don't get any ideas), etc. The wife decided to come back, and he took her back to try again. The last I heard (about four months ago), it wasn't going too well.

I usually heard from my friend (the husband, the wife had retreated completely, which hurt but I tried to be understanding)... anyway, I usually got email from my friend about once a week or so. For the past two months, I have had nothing from him, and everything I sent was unread.

So I talk to his sister and tell her I know they are very busy (they have 5 kids and he owns his own business), but I was feeling that I had kind of been used by this guy when he needed a friend and now that his wife is back and supposedly working on their marriage, he's pretty much ignored me.

Well, that wasn't the reason. His sister told me that the wife was killed in an accident two months ago, but my friend is in major denial and did not tell ANYONE outside the immediate family. His sister says he refuses to talk about it.

So here's my problem. I'm not supposed to know. But I do, and I want to support him in anyway I can. These are people who named their youngest child after me! His sister said it was OK to tell him that I knew and that she told me. But if he's in that deep of denial he just might not respond to an email or phone call. I'm thinking of making a visit up there within the next month or so. Do you think this is wise? I care for this friend very much and it's really bothering me that I can't help him, and that he seems to be pushing everyone away.

Hope you guys have some good advice, because I don't know what to do. Obviously, or I wouldn't be up at 3:00 AM on a work night thinking about it.

Peace,
Bella, she of the puffy, red eyes ATM.

[mykpart]

1. You might try sending him a note, or a card, snail mail.

Just something brief, & your number in case he wants to talk. Maybe follow up in a week or two with a phone call. But if he's not ready to talk or be comforted, you just have to back off. Everyone has to deal with grief in their own way.

[Radio_Lady]

9. I agree with this answer. Try something very low key. Let him...

be the guide. Small card via snail mail would be my suggestion, possibly followed by a telephone call. No email at all. No unannounced visits. Both of you have to want this initial contact.

I married a man who had lost his wife to cancer. I responded to an ad he had placed for a housekeeper (this was before there were personal ads, but found out later he had joined a computer dating service.) I met him almost a year after the death of his wife and didn't know his situation until I got into it. We've had a good life together, and raised five children. Regrettably, there was no grief counseling for his children and I feel they are all emotional stunted from the loss of their mother at tender ages (13, 11 and 8).

You might consider some mental health counseling about this issue before you go "where angels fear to tread" -- you can't imagine the pain I've had trying to be a stepmother. There is much more information on this situation than there was in 1973. Go slow, good luck and let us hear from you.

In peace,

Radio Lady

[ffm172]

2. can you call him?

[Samurai_Writer]

3. Yes, I *could* call

... but at this point, he would probably hang up on me. Either that or just be very terse on the phone. That's why a face-to-face might be better. It's alot harder to slam a door in someone's face than to hang up the phone.

[ffm172]

4. mykpart's advice is pretty good

let him know you are there for him, whenever he needs to talk,

[fleabert]

5. I would go visit. He may desparately need it and be incapable of asking

for help. He has to be overwhelmed with grief, five kids and he runs his own biz? He is doing what he has to do to survive and needs a friend now more than he did before. I can bet he has lots of guilt, esp. if things weren't going well the second time. who knows if they had just had a fight before the accident, and their last moments weren't good ones. This guy could be suicidal. I know I would be.

I say go, don't wait, and don't worry about offending him by stopping by, it could save his life. He could just need someone to take the kids out or do laundry, or take him out for coffee or something. If he's okay, no harm, if he's not - you would regret not trying to reach out. Anything other than being in his face will be too easy to ignore. Just give him your support and tell him you are there for him.

This is so sad.

[fleabert]

10. my grandfather lost my grandmother a year ago. he wants people to

stop by. he doesn't ask them to. He wants to talk about her, but thinks it upsets others, so he doesn't. He cries every day still.

This is beyond grief, in fact it's the opposite of it. Yes everyone deals with it differently, but to not admit it happened? Those kids can't talk about it I bet, how messed up is that? He needs help, probably psychiatric help, but someone needs to step in and say 'I am here for you and you can't run me off'.

I am still grieving for my best friend/grandmother. I dreampt that she was alive last night and it crushed me to wake up and know she was really gone. He needs someone, maybe not you, but someone. If you don't want to go there, talk more to the family about getting him some counseling, at least someone for the kids to talk to.

-I had to add this, my heart is breaking for this guy and those kids. the edit function expired though.

[barb162]

21. second, yes ,go visit

[huellewig]

6. "Do you think this is wise?"

I would advise against an unannounced visit. Imagine that he has to deal with you about not communicating for months and the death at the same time. That would be horrible for him. I would suggest a phone call with "I'm so sorry, I heard about what happened to ***** if you need someone to talk to I'm here."

My 2 cents..

[progressor]

7. Let him be...

Like you said, you may have just been a shoulder to cry on at that time. But you shouldn't hold it against him - people do fucked up things when they're fucked up. Things are probably worse now, but I get the sense that he doesn't want to talk about this - except to immediate family. And you should respect his privacy and let him cope with this however he can.

I've found that caring about people often means leaving them alone.

[Samurai_Writer]

12. He's not talking to ANYONE about it...

even his immediate family. Like I said, it's like he figures if he doesn't talk about it, it didn't really happen. His family is at a loss as to what to do as well.

[NoSheep]

17. The snail mail card sounds best to me.

You've got to let a meeting or conversation be his decision. If any part of you feels like you need to do this for you as much as him, well, that could be a further indication that you need to lay low and let him react to the card. Good luck with this. A very sad story.:hug:

[Bunny]

8. Send him a snail mail card - no e-mail.

Tell him you'd like to visit him. But don't visit him unannounced or uninvited. Don't intrude in that manner. Give it about a week or so, then maybe call him. But do so at a convenient time - try to figure out when he won't be busy with the kids - their meals, homework time, baths, etc. Go very slowly.

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. This has got to be so difficult for you.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. As hard as it may be, I think the best thing may be to wait for him to contact you. The pain is still fresh and, for him, you may be a reminder of better times spent with his wife. I'm sure he'll contact you. Give it a few more months and then send him a card.

Take care Bella. I'm thinking of you.

Hugs, Laura

[Squeech]

13. Bring food

Yes, definitely go visit, and bring something good and nutritious (i.e. not cake-- or not just cake). Odds are, the mood he's in, he hasn't been taking care of himself at all well, and probably eating fast food or similar garbage, which will reinforce his depression. So make up a tureen of real chicken soup, or a pan of lasagna, and go knock on his door.

My advice, and worth exactly what you paid for it. (Less, if you're on dialup.)

[Samurai_Writer]

14. He has hired a nanny...

for when he is at work or out of town on business, but she is not a live-in. One good thing is he's filthy rich, so he's not struggling financially. I failed to mention he is several states away, so I could not go anytime soon, perhaps in about a month at the earliest. But the way I feel right now I would quit my job, pack up everything I own (including my dog and 2 cats) and drop everything to help him through this however long it takes. But I know that is just an emotional reaction to the whole situation.

[radwriter0555]

15. CALL. VIOLATE his self imposed prison. He needs a real friend...

it's not a hideous secret that his wife died, it's a fact of life.

GO knock on his door, call him, email him, be right up front, and tell him you're his friend.

[Samurai_Writer]

16. Kick for people who haven't seen it and might want to help

[fleabert]

18. kick

[redqueen]

19. Since you can't visit right away...

I would suggest sending a few cards then perhaps calling him.

If (when?) he doesn't respond, your sudden appearance on his doorstep won't be such a surprise.

Good luck... I hope he's OK.

[Samurai_Writer]

20. I'm probably going to do that...

send snail mail card and letter at first. And keep talking to his sister to see how he is doing. I have to admit, I am very worried about him right now, and if I had the resources, I would just pack my car and drive the 1000 miles or whatever it is right now. Another poster asked if I was wanting to go for reasons of my own, and no, I'm not. I'm worried about him, and think his kids also need a calming influence around right now, someone who is not only there when Daddy is away at work. His children are very young... 5, 5, 3, and twins 1 1/2 or so. The two 5 year olds know that mommy is not coming back. The others can't comprehend it.

I will sit down and write a letter tonight, and then sit on it for a day or two and reread it before sending. I don't want to send anything in haste.

Peace,
Bella