Pain, Pain

[lala_rawraw]

Okay my DU family, I need some hard core positive vibes this night. My pain level is off the charts. Jokes? Any good Jokes?:(

[Blue_In_AK]

1. I don't know any good jokes,

but I'm really sorry you feel bad. Sending positive vibes your way. :hug:

[lala_rawraw]

6. Blast, Duplicate...

Can mod merge please?

[Mr_Spock]

2. Pain #3

This is almost as productive as Shiavo!

[lala_rawraw]

4. Pardon me?

Productive as Shiavo? Hmmm, let me see how the two compare, better still, why don't you tell me. Just FYI, I have Lupus, but I do seem to be actually alive and present, unless I am dreaming this reality. But please do share the reasons for such a heart felt comment.

[Name removed]

7. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[WilliamPitt]

9. self-delete

to match the mods quick action.

[lala_rawraw]

21. Will, it was up

For a good few min., me thinks they missed it, since they managed to move my entire thread. I say you put it back, darn it, let's test mod delete reaction time... you wanna? (wink)

[Ladyhawk]

26. I saw it. :) And I concur with Mr. Pitt. n/t

[DulceDecorum]

8. You started THREE identical threads on this forum

within the past few minutes.

[LittleClarkie]

12. I'm having trouble posting too

The board is suddenly slow. If you don't think it's going through, and you hit the button again you get three threads.

Unintentional I'm sure.

[lala_rawraw]

14. Um

What is going on you guys? I started the thread, but my comp locked up and when I returned, there was a duplicate of it. Not sure how that happened. Now there are three?

At the same time it seems I am being accused of trying to have a pity party, which is hardly the case. I don't need sympathy. I just need something to pass the night, if that makes any sense. Just something to do that does not require too much from me (like writing/reading) or too much from my senses (like videos). Just some good vibes and maybe a few laughs.

I can see how this is becoming just loads of laughs now.

[WindRavenX]

15. don't worry

The board is acting all sorts of screwy now...
May I offer you a hug? :hi:

[lala_rawraw]

17. yes, and I am taking it:)

such a slut, lol.:)

[WindRavenX]

19. hey- hug sluts ROCK!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Trust me, it's been shitty lately for me too. I really feel ya!

[lala_rawraw]

22. Okay, now I my browser crashed...

Tech problems? Aside from the two of us, anyone else having them?

[DulceDecorum]

3. It will only hurt if you laugh

Theory
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=104x2999888

Practicum
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=2536531

[lala_rawraw]

5. these are good:)

[roguevalley]

10. here are some bush jokes:

jokes:

"McGwire refused to say whether he ever took steroids but I think he did because, as he was leaving, one of his tits fell out of his suit." --Bill Maher

"President Bush's Social Security plan is in trouble, and Republicans are angry. They say everyone is attacking it and it is still a work in progress. They said, 'Of course it's not clear what the solution is -- we're still inventing the problem.'" --Bill Maher

"Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means -- war with Syria." --Bill Maher

"President Bush's parents called him this week and said, 'You cannot have another war until you've finished the ones you've started.'" --Bill Maher

"Michael Jackson might testify, Bush wants to bomb Syria, Martha Stewart is free. That's right, March madness is officially here." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush has started to make plans for what he is going to do after he leaves the White House. He better hurry up because under his plan he sure won't be able to live under Social Security." --Jay Leno

"Despite the president's best efforts, all evidence suggests lingering public skepticism about his proposal to reform Social Security, particularly amongst retired people. In fact, a whole American association of them has come out against it. I speak of course of the AARP. ... The 35-million member group is running several national ads claiming the Social Security program is basically sound and not in need of a major overhaul. And these are old people. They hate everything. ... But according to USA Next, a rival lobbying group, the AARP's real agenda is anti-troop and pro-gay marriage. ... USA Next is brought to you by the same backers who brought you last year's Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. So you know their heart is in the right place." --Jon Stewart

"Despite the president's best efforts, all evidence suggests lingering public skepticism about his proposal to reform Social Security, particularly amongst retired people. In fact, a whole American association of them has come out against it. I speak of course of the AARP. ... The 35-million member group is running several national ads claiming the Social Security program is basically sound and not in need of a major overhaul. And these are old people. They hate everything. ... But according to USA Next, a rival lobbying group, the AARP's real agenda is anti-troop and pro-gay marriage. ... USA Next is brought to you by the same backers who brought you last year's Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. So you know their heart is in the right place." --Jon Stewart

The president goes into a library. "I would like a cheeseburger and fries," he says in a loud, clear voice."
"But sir," says the assistant, "this is a library."
"Gee, I'm sorry," says Bush, and whispers very quietly, "I'd like a cheeseburger and fries."

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Saddam is still alive', Saddam decides to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opens the letter and sees only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H". He can't figure it out, so he asks Karl Rove.
Rove suggests that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Bush sends it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, can't figure it out, either. He suggests, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart."
But Dr. Rice is baffled, too. As Bush is pondering the mysterious message lying on the desk before him, Colin Powell enters the Oval Office. When he sees the paper and reads what is written on it, he asks, "Sir, where did that come from?"
Bush replies testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Saddam. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"
Powell clears his throat and replies, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[lala_rawraw]

16. Is this prior

to Bill's "he had me at hello" moment last week?:)

[TrustingDog]

11. here's one for you....

A woman goes into her doctors office and sez I have a terrible problem with flatulence, but it's not Really so terrible because they don't smell and they don't make any noise. Actually, I've farted 5 or 6 times since I came into your office.

And the doctor sez: hmmm, take this prescription and make another appointment on your way out for next week.

She comes back the next week and sez The pills you gave me didn't do anything for the flatulence except they're starting to smell terribly!

Doctor sez: Great! now that your sinuses have cleared up, I want you to see this hearing specialist.

[LittleClarkie]

13. I don't know if you saw this from one of the dupes but here's one

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb.



A: Two, but nobody knows how they got in there.



Wokka, wokka

[TrustingDog]

18. Students rewrite the History of the World:

Students Rewrite History of the World
By Richard Lederer

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers from eighth grade through college level.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain area of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Illad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings and Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of all time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donnatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The Government of England was a limited mockery. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all yelled "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean and this was know as Pilgrim's Progress.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin dies in 1790 and is still dead.

The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. He said, "In onion there is strength." Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, Voltare wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walk in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for sixty-three years.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thought. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

[lala_rawraw]

24. This is an op-ed piece to be

Sent out as an example of the No Child Left behind plan. Is this in grade school?

[TrustingDog]

25. eighth grade through college level.

It's old stuff, been around for years. I personally believe that most of it is mischief and jokery on the students parts.

I hope.

[Ladyhawk]

20. I'm sorry you're in pain.

BIG HUG!!!

I was in the process of writing down a very long, very involved joke when I accidentally closed my browser. :( I hope that's a good enough joke to make you feel better because I don't want to type it over again!!!!!

Laugh at me, instead. :D

[lala_rawraw]

23. Laughing

in large YELPs. Ah, what we need is some good poetry too or, Du should get a chat program set up so that we can laugh in real time, even if at one another:)


Little Clarkie, very silly and funny. Danka much.