I just had a failed intervention with my sister.....Cheer me up!

[HEFFA]

If I wrote for three days straight, I couldn't begin to capture the human, living, breathing train wreck that is my sister. She's 32 years old, has three kids from three different fathers, and is currently a drug addict.

I got a call at 4 AM today from her current (crackhead) live-in boyfriend. He was pleading for bail money to get her out of jail. Of course, he's the one who filed the charge that led to her arrest, and also the guy that has been in constant contact with her since her arrest, which led her to break the 'no contact' clause of her conditions of release, which then led to her re-arrest.

I am a teacher, a father of two, and a devoted husband. Although my sister and I were raised in undoubtedly challenging environments, we clearly chose different paths a long time ago. She chose to raise her children (who are, sadly, already FUBAR at 10 and 12 -- the oldest lives with his Dad, thankfully) in environments FAR worse than those that we experienced. I chose to improve on the example that our mother had set. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I feel that, in many respects, I have succeeded. I have a Master's Degree and a career. She has an arrest record and a drug problem. The remainder of both of our lives is pretty much in keeping with these basic facts.

After going to school for the day and going out of my mind about what might be happening to my sister or (god forbid) her kids, I came home and began to investigate her situation. I talked to her boyfriend (Crackhead Joe) and other friends of hers. By this time, she was already out of jail and back with her friends (doing whatever it is that they enjoy doing) -- NOT with her kids.

I tried to call her and to encourage her to come to my house, where my wife, my step-father and his wife, and I tried to convince her for 4 hours that she was killing herself and needed to make a change. We assured her that we would support her completely if she would admit herself to an abuse program. She tried to convince us that an outpatient program would work, but we are (after all of these years and after all of these heartaches) unwilling to accept. She ultimately left (despite our attempts to prevent her from leaving) and called the police when she realized that her car had been disabled.

I was willing to get a summons for theft (she claimed that she had seen me disable her car -- complete bullshit) in order to prevent her from leaving, but our consensus was that she had been given the chance to choose something safe, loving, and supportive. If she chose drugs, dysfunction, and death over all of us, so be it.

Where did we go wrong? What can we still do for her? What should we be expected to do?

I'm at wit's end. I'm basically convinced that I will have no additional contact with her from here on out. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have any further contact with her.

Please advise. My heart is heavy, but my conscience feels clear. I fought with everything that I had tonight to save her. She chose to destroy herself. I don't know what else I have or should be expected to offer in the fight for her life. The only person who seems truly unconcerned about her safety and the lives of her children is her.

*sigh* whatever.....

[Technowitch]

1. Your heart's in the right place, but you cannot save her

Seriously. You can try all you like, but ultimately only she can decide when and where she's actually hit her own personal bottom.

In the meantime, there is one thing you can do, possibly, and that's help ensure that her kids are taken care of. Under these circumstances, with repeated arrests and the likelihood of legal abandonment under your local laws, you MIGHT be able to do something for those kids still living with her.

I'm sure you're also feeling guilty for not bailing her out. Don't be.

Sometimes the only thing we can do is to let them go.

You're still a good person. Know that. Otherwise you wouldn't care so much.

hugs,
-Technowitch

[HEFFA]

5. Many thanks for your kind words.

It's nearly 1 AM, and I've been up for nearly 24 hours. I can't sleep, because this entire situation is still gnawing at my gut.

I do appreciate your thoughts on this, and I have to say (not surprisingly) that I agree.

[Technowitch]

7. Oh, and I should add, I -have- had a crackhead in the family...

...so I know something of what it's like to have one (or more) around.

In our case, it was my kid sister who married an asshole who later took up the pipe. Why? Because she got preggers at 19 and didn't want to be a single mom. (I'll not get into that other question because although I'm pro-choice, my Irish Catholic family most certainly is not.)

That SOB literally sold their furniture to pay for his habit. And my sister KEPT LETTING HIM COME BACK HOME!

To this day, I still can't decide which of them has less respect from me. Probably her, because she actually has a choice, whereas the poor pathetic idiot is addicted.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

2. Haven't had it happen with immediate family

So I have no advice in that regard. Do you know WHAT drug it is?

All I can say is sorry.

[HEFFA]

6. Pills.....

She's a pill popper (former CNA) and her 'boyfriend' is a crackhead.

[Frances]

3. Find a support group

If there is a Narco Support group similar to the support group for family members of alcoholics, I would go to that. If there isn't, I would go to one for family members of alcoholics.

The reason I suggest a support group is that you are in a heartbreaking situation and getting support from others who have been in a similar place would be what I would want.

Good luck to you.

[HEFFA]

9. You're probably right, because just talking about it here feels good

I know that I can't control her or make her do what I want for her to do, but I also don't know that she even understands the severity of the decision that she made tonight. My wife and I will not continue to interact with her if she persists in her delusional and self-destructive behaviors. We only hope that she won't further damage her kids as she continues her tail-spin. Of course, it's hard to imagine that her (inevitable) death won't damage those kids. After all, our Mom died when I was in my late teens, and I'm still carrying baggage. I doubt that I need to elaborate on the negative effects that it's had on my sister.

I'm just so scared that her kids won't and can't recover from this madness.

[grasswire]

15. oh boy...

...when you said "our mom died when I was in my late teens" I wondered if your worry about your sister is partly a sadness about your mother and the fact that you couldn't stop mom from dying. Maybe it's compounding the trouble with your sister in ways not yet obvious. I second the recommendation for a support group for you. Best of luck. Stay well and get some rest.

[HEFFA]

19. Oh, I think that's probably true, and it's compounding things in many ways

I was the older sibling and the only male when we were growing up. Not surprisingly, I was "the man of the house" at an early age. This was a role that our mother often encouraged.

One of my sister's angry statements last night was that I can't control her. I wanted desperately for her to understand that I have no interest in controlling her (I have plenty to keep me busy with trying to control my own life). I am trying to save her life.

She is in the midst of a multi-day bender right now, and she hasn't slept more than a couple of hours. She's not rational (not that I would expect any drug addict to be rational), and she was as desperate as a caged animal to get away from us last night and to get back to her next fix. Truly sad.

[MuseRider]

4. Just be there if she decides

to help herself. You did all you could from your story. Watch out for her kids if you can. It hurts a lot but I don't think you can do much more. I am so sorry.

[gardenista]

8. It's very tough to see a sibling repeatedly make terrible choices.

Your sister clearly has to go some way before she finds her "bottom". It's a shame that her kids will probably suffer the most from her addiction.

A couple of questions...

Have you ever tried an AlAnon meeting? It can help give you support when watching this train wreck happen.

Have you thought about trying to get Child Protective Services involved to get the children into a safe environment?

Have you considered cutting off all contact with her until she gets into treatment?

I wish you the very best, and hope that she soon chooses to get the help she needs.

:hug:

[intheflow]

10. Sadly, you can't save her.

She has to want to save herself. I always managed to hook up with alcoholics, and I tried everything to get them each (the 3 major ones) to choose me over the booze. But for whatever reason, they perceived that what I was offering as more frightening than their addiction. Addictions are comforting and familiar; even when the addicted person can see they're messing up their life, that still feels safer than life without their addiction. I've known a number of addicts, and they were all this way. In fact, of the 12 addicts and/or alcoholics I've been closest to over the past 20 years, one is dead and only three are sober. Most have served serious jail time.

I'm sorry your heart feels heavy, HEFFA, but your conscience should be clear. You did what you could to help your sister. I don't blame you for not wanting contact with her again, but I hope you'll be open to her if she approaches you in the future, wanting to get help and get sober. Part of the 12-step programs is to apologize for the wrongs you've done, and if she's at that point, she'll need your love and support. More than that, she'll want it.

[Canadian Socialist]

11. I can't cheer you up

but I think the first thing you should do is try to get the kids out of there. Break it down to small steps. 1. You can not help your sister. 2. You can help her kids (your nieces and nephews). If you can't afford to support the kids, then get them somewhere safe. After that, you work on the big problem. But, don't put your own family at risk. You can't focus on these other problems. You need to get the kids out of there and work from there.

Anyway, a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "What's with the long face?".

[HEFFA]

21. Honestly, I don't know why I asked to be "cheered up"

But I appreciate your attempt. After reading back over all of the nice and helpful things that people had to say, I re-read the subject of my post and realized that I probably sounded like a dub. It's not that I want to be cheered up....and the focus of this whole thing isn't me -- it's her. I'm just feeling so frustrated with how things went that I figured even talking about it would help to cheer me up....or help me feel better about what I did.

Thanks to you (and everyone else) for the kind words and caring suggestions.

[Floogeldy]

12. Are you sure you have told the whole story?

Be honest.

[HEFFA]

18. What did I leave out?

As I mentioned, we're talking here about someone who is 32 years old and who has been living in dysfunction junction for the entire time. To tell the whole story would take more time than I have and would certainly require others to spend more time reading it than they are likely willing to commit.

I believe that I have told the parts of the story that are necessary to convey to others my sense of frustration and my sister's sense of desperation. If you feel that there's something else in particular that you need to know, just ask.

[JohnnyRingo]

13. The only way to get away from hard drugs (especially crack)...

...is to get away from the people that do drugs, therefore her aversion to a controlled environment. Going to a class three times a week won't work, the other four days will be spent high.

Only after the reality of the problem is allowed to rise above the fog of addiction can the mind begin to comprehend the severity of the situation.

It, unfortunately, takes more than a week or two to prevent falling back in all but the most determined cases.


I've been there, I wouldn't admit my addiction until I was sequestered for the first week, then my own determination was required to see it through.

Before that, I couldn't imagine any reason to quit. The addiction is a blinder.

Good Luck and I'm sorry for you that you have to do this.....But please do. I would have thanked you if it was me 12 years ago

[mondo joe]

14. Do enough so that if and wgen things go bad you won't be haunted by

regrets.

And I think you've done just that.

You can't save her, but for your own peace I think it's important that you did all you could.

[Rhiannon12866]

16. I totally agree. You can't do it all, but you can do what you can.

If you're able to live with yourself, you'll be okay. You deserve a lot of credit for what you've accomplished.:-)

[ikojo]

17. As they say in 12 step programs...everyone has a bottom and your

sister must hit hers before she will seek recovery.

My suggestion is that if you want to help anyone, you help her children. Even though they have seen much dysfunction in their short lives they are not beyond redemption. They are only 10 and 12. Get them intensive long lasting therapy and mentoring and I believe they can succeed. Maybe they wont get a masters degree but they can graduate high school and still make something of themselves. If you must, remove them from her home based upon child endangerment. Crack addicts don't exactly surround themselves with the best our society has to offer.

[NNadir]

20. It is wonderful that you still love your sister after all this.

You are a good brother, caring, patient and forgiving. I hope my sons will be the same when they are men.

You can do nothing, though, to save her. You need to accept that, just as you would need to accept it if she had a fatal disease.

If she is to be saved, she must save herself.

Spend your capacity for loving your family where it will do most good. It sounds cold, but I have more than passing familiarity with this sort of thing.

[zanana]

22. You DO sound a bit arrogant.

I noticed that you had to praise yourself in order to crticize her. Sometimes, "choices" are not really choices at all. Sometimes, it's luck (or lack of it) and circumstance that greatly determine someone's fate. I know you want to help her--just don't pat yourself on the back too much. I don't know that, if I were in her shoes, I'd want you to "support" me.

[BlondieK143]

24. I don't think he meant to sound arrogant.

I think he was simply trying to give the background of their situation and let us know that neither one of them had it easy. She has the "choice" (as you say) to be a good parent to her children. That's a choice that circumstance has nothing to do with. In my opinion, he should pat himself on the back for the great work he's done. At least he's taking the time and effort to try to help someone who doesn't seem to want to change. A selfish or completely arrogant person wouldn't give her a second look.

[datasuspect]

26. yeah, it isn't arrogance

i think it is more frustration. i think when someone makes themselves vulnerable in a public forum like this, it says a lot about a person if they can withhold their criticism for 5 minutes . . .

[gardenista]

28. This isn't helpful. Talk about arrogance. nt

[prolesunited]

23. Sounds pretty awful

I watch my brother self-destruct as well. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do.

BUT, can your family save those poor kids. Is there someone in your family that would be willing to finish raising them? Would your sister be willing to relinquish custody? If not, I'm sure you could get custody through the courts.

Although you can't totally protect them from her behavior, at least they would have some semblance of a normal life.

It's a huge responsibility. You can't save her, but I hope there is a way to save those kids.

[datasuspect]

25. don't give up on your sister

never give up on family.

get the kids AWAY from her, use CPS/DCFS or whatever they call it around your town.

if she's smoking crack, she is in a hell you can never imagine. there is way more to it than: "just stop."

but it is hard when someone doesn't want to stop. rock meet hard place.

all you can really do is love her and NEVER give her money. if she's starving, buy her food yourself. but even that is dangerous . . . a crack user will sell ANYTHING to get a hit.

i feel bad for you and i know how frustrated you feel. there is really NOTHING you can do (aside from involuntary committment/mental health warrant) about the situation.

[Lady President]

27. Take care of yourself and your family

I can't offer any real advice, but I'll mention a couple things that I've read in your posts...

You are a caretaker. That is your role. And, it's a wonderful thing. Look at your life; you were the man of the house as a teen, you are a teacher, a father, and a husband. You have framed your world around caring for others and trying to improve their futures. The world would be better if there were more people like you.

Unfortunately, in this situation you are going to have to go against all your natural instincts and let your sister live her life in a destructive manner.

Try to take care of yourself because there are a lot of people who count of you and appreciate what you do for them. (Okay, some of your students don't now, but they will someday. :)) I'll send you some positive vibes....

[skygazer]

29. You cannot save other people, only yourself

Believe me, I know this situation - not from your vantage point but from hers. I will attempt to explain it as best I can but it's not easy.

It's very difficult for anyone to admit they were or are wrong. Drug and alcohol dependency are an escape from reality and people use it to avoid facing the difficulty of actually changing their lives. You did the right thing, trying to make her see that she can get help. Sometimes that works - too often it doesn't.

Unfortunately, people tend to have to hit the very bottom before they will straighten out. Many people never do. I did by choice and I did because I could see that I was not being the mother I had always wanted to be to my children. I am still paying for my earlier mistakes and will until the day I die. Some people cannot face that and prefer to retreat back into drugs and alcohol.

Her children are the people who need help more than anyone else. There is not much that can help them, unfortunately. If they are taken from their mother by the state, their fate is probably just as grim as that if they stay with her. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you have to watch this happen.

What can you do? Not much, unfortunately. Don't bail her out. Don't give her money. Don't enable her. Let her know you love her and want her to be well but don't let her manipulate you. Do try to reach out to the kids. Do try to offer them as much support and love as you can.

The prognosis is not good, not for any of them. With luck, the kids will learn from their mother's example - learn that it's not a good example. Thankfully, that is the direction my children took. I have three children - 24, 23 and 17. None of them use drugs, all have finished or are finishing school. The older girls drink only in moderation and they both hold good jobs and are mature and responsible.

I'm sorry. :hug:

[AutumnMist]

30. I Was In Your Sisters Shoes 8 Years Ago

I didn't have children, and I wasn't a drug addict. But I was an addict. I had people come to my home and plead, beg, and debate with me why I should get my life in order. Why I should live my life in a healthy manner. I didn't listen. I slammed the door, the phone, anything that would keep the truth and the reality at my life at bay. Which is why I was an addict. I couldn't handle reality, it was too painful for me. My family, after two years of hell, walked away from me. I raged and I screamed at them at the time. I blamed them for the pains that I felt. But I tell ya what. When I hit my rock bottom, I hit the proverbial wall of existence. And I didn't want to do it anymore. I met a man who loved me at my worst...but he never and I mean never put up with my shit. And I knew he wouldn't. I got help, I found peace within myself. And I gave forgiveness to those around me. It wasn't their fault that I spun my life out of control. It was mine. The anger and the blame I felt didn't make me a strong woman, it was destroying me. And that responsibility is a hard thing to wrap you brain around when you have spent your life making others responsible for your actions. But you can't change her, you can't make her want to do that. Protect your children, protect her children. And as harsh at it sounds....let her fall on her ass. It will hurt the whole time. But maybe, just maybe, she can see beyond the blame and get help for her family. And help herself. Good luck to you. You will all be in my thoughts.

[GreenPartyVoter]

31. Go to al-anon or something similar. The pain of watching your sibling

destroy hreself is something you need to deal with.

*hugs*

For what it is worth, there is still a road back for her. Might not seem like it, but you listen to folks in NA and AA tell their stories, and it can't help but bring you hope.