Did your parents say mean things to you that affect you now?

[Nikia]

Th thread about what was the meanest thing that ever was said to you makes me think of this. Reading the responses and thinking about things, including my group therapy, made me realize that some people did grow up without parental verbal abuse. It makes me wonder how much more easy it must be for people who were never told by their parents that they were stupid, ugly, had a bad personality, weird, bad in general, clumsy, untalented, an annoyance, a drain on their lifestyle, should have never been born, and other negative things. As small children, we tend to believe our parents and often continue to consider their opinion more valid than that of most others. Psychologists believe that our parents words help us form our consciousness.
Personally, in times of weakness, I remember my parent's words, get down on myself, and have trouble believing otherwise.
Why do I believe that I am ugly? My mother told me.
Why do I believe that no one really likes me? Same answer.
Why do I have to prove myself worthy enough to be alive constantly? Yep
What evidence do I use to prove that my worries and insecurities about myself are valid and not a chemical event (like my therapist originally told me)? My parents words.
Do parents realize what they do when they put their children down? If you have been able to get passed this, how did you do it? If you struggle with continuing to take your parent's words to heart, do other people seem to have trouble understanding why you can't get passed this? Do you think that people who haven't gone through this have a completely different world view? If your parents didn't say mean things to you, where does your self doubt come from?
I was just thinking about this.

[xmas74]

1. My mother told me that she never wanted me.

She said that she wanted to have an abortion or give me up for adoption but her mother said that she would adopt me instead, so my mom kept me.
She denies ever saying it now.

[Misunderestimator]

13. My mom told me that I was a "diaphragm baby"...

I and my slightly older brother were both "mistakes"... later on it was obvious that she loved me. The problems came mainly from my father and life and whatever. To Nikia, yeah... all those things you said.

[xmas74]

16. We still have issues to this day.

She likes to deny the things that she said to me. She has a very revisionist view of history that drives me crazy. In her history, everything becomes my fault.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

2. psychological abuse can be as bad as physical abuse

It has taken me years of soul searching and therapy to forgive my parents for what was said to me. Today, I can better understand why they were said, and even laugh at some of them (like "I expect you to be perfect."). I would encourage anyone who underwent such abuse to take advantage of any help they can get because in healing from these wounds one learns a lot about onesself.

[Nikia]

8. I am finally discussing this with my counselor

I went to counseling for anxiety but I had trouble telling her right away about the verbal abuse during the first couple sessions. We'll see what happens with this.

[skygazer]

3. I'm sorry

I cannot for the life of me understand how a parent can grind their own child down like that. :hug: My mom died when I was a kid and my dad was pretty much absent but never cruel. Just not there. Bad enough but nothing like what you're saying.

I made a point, when I had my kids, to tell them how much I loved them each and every day. And to express my pride in them and to tell them how great I thought they were. Actually, I didn't have to make much of a point of it - it was something that seemed perfectly natural to do.

Why do people deliberately cripple their kids? :cry:

[salinen]

4. Looking back

It's easy to see that they were immature adults taking sick satifaction from verbally abusing their children. I believed myself to be as worthless as they said I was. Now as an adult and a professional, I continue to see myself as a child in a world full of adults. Thanks Mom, you fucking bitch.

[MuseRider]

5. Worst day of my mother's life

was the day she woke up and saw the card, "Congratulations. You had a girl." Yes. Stupid, ugly, lazy and fat. Worthless female. Bitching about every birthday she had to deal with for a female. Years of therapy and I have finally gotten over it. I am sorry any of us have to deal with it. I will always see fat and ugly in the mirror but now I can at least tell myself it really is not there. Let it go when you can and be free. You are as worthy as anyone of praise and goodness and life. :hug:

[Nikia]

10. It recently occurred to me that my mother might have "evil queen" syndrome

I made that term up. Like in Snow White, the evil queen asks the mirror who is the fairst of them all. She tries to kill Snow White when Snow White is the answer instead of her. Instead of killing their daughters, I think that some mothers try to kill their daughters self esteem. It wouldn't do Snow White any good to actually be more beautiful if she actively believed the opposite. I wonder if my mother (and perhaps your mother) was always afraid that my sister or I would become "better" than her in some way and convinced us that we couldn't be, thus "winning".
I hope to be able to let go of it though. It would be great to be free of this.

[MuseRider]

14. WOW!

I think you very well may be on to something. My mother was always waiting for "her ship to come in" after my father died. She would not work even though she was poor (he would not have approved). I was smart and successful if a little misdirected at times but then I married a successful man. She never got over it. When I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis she asked me that when I was finally crippled if she could have all my stuff. She never got over my success and reveled in my failures. All I can say is at some point I gave it all up. Therapy helped a lot. Some of us just do not get childhoods, I have forgotten most of mine it was that horrible. You will get free, you just have to give it up but it does take time. PM if you just need to talk some. You may have just taken a huge leap by coming up with the Evil Queen syndrome. That is really good.

[Book Lover]

6. Only one thing

Both my parents told me that one person can't change the world. If I had NOT listened to them, I fucking be President right now.

[calico1]

7. I am not excusing my parents or anyone's

but I think part of it is due to the fact that most people can only be as good a parent as the parents they had. What I mean is, a lot of people, even if they resent what their parents said or did to them they end up saying and doing a lot of the same things. My mother is an example. She was a smart kid and loved school. She was pulled out of school in 9th grade when her father died and went to work along with her two older brothers to support the family. She never finished school which she loved. She got married and had children for what I think is the reason millions of people do--because they think its what you are supposed to do. Its I think my mom would have loved to finish school, travel and do a lot of fun things. Instead she worked since she was sixteen, married my father who may not have been the love of her life (or her his for that matter). My dad's father whipped his kids a lot. That is how they disciplined them. And my grandmother (his mom) was just the coldest most aloof woman I have ever known. So, put these two together and have them have some kids and what do you get? I think my parents did love us. They certainly provided well. But I think they both had unfinished dreams that they never accomplished. And neither one of them got much affection. So what could I have expected? Now that I am older I think about that often.

[MuseRider]

9. Doesn't that

just kill you to say, I think my parents did love us. They certainly provided well? I say that all the time then I realize what I actually said and it just really disturbs me. It is sad to have to suppose that is the truth. I stopped the cycle with my kids, thankfully I was able to.

[calico1]

18. Good for you. Not everyone does, unfortunately.

As for me saying my parents really loved me, it used to kill me but doesn't anymore. As I have gotten older I have forgiven them and realized that the way they acted was in large part due to the way they were treated. They used the tools and experience they had which were not great. And its not like they always criticized or put me down. It was more like alternating between great pride and praise and criticism like the examples I gave. Very weird---and confusing. I think they were both better parents than their parents, but they never did get rid of all the negative influence from their parents. But I have gotten over it, for the most part. My oldest sister, who by the way is far from a perfect mother herself, nevertheless lives consumed by bitterness over how my parents were not perfect and over all the things they did not allow her to do, or have or whatever. She still rehashes stuff from when she was nine or ten, yet she treats her kids in much the same way as she was treated. Worse actually. So she continues the cycle. I have decided not to although it did take a while to get there.

[WarNoMore]

11. But why do we have to feel guilty if we have

those thoughts? I find myself, in the twilight of my mother's years, more ambivalent than I ever have been. I consider my Mom a good, loving (not physically) parent and she was never deliberately cruel to me. I know that I tend to internalize things, but I find myself thinking more of the few negatives. ie., "you don't have enough confidence, you care more about other people", things that are judgemental. The fact that there was sexual abuse going on didn't help, but I never told her until I was 17.

[Debi]

12. I don't know that this fits here

because I had a pretty good childhood (the regular bitches...but parents that are still married, love each other and love me and my brother). But I was (am) the black sheep and my parents came to the conclusion that they just shouldn't expect much from me. So when I finally got some gumption and went to work at a law office my dad said, "Debi, you reach for the stars, but sometimes the stars are just out of reach". What a freaking poet! Long story short, I think I'm a pretty kick-ass legal secretary married to a REAL kick-ass attorney and Dad calls me for legal advice (should I tell him to reach for the stars????)

[JitterbugPerfume]

17. Dear lord god

I hope my unhappy marriage did not fuck up my children to bad

[flamingyouth]

15. I've come to believe that my mother is not well

She's always said really weird things to me (like telling me when I was 12 that I would never be "one of the pretty girls," so I'd better learn to rely on my brains than on my looks in life - a bizarre statement on so many levels...). Lately she's said some really awful things to me too.

Mostly I think it stems from her childhood abuse and her chemical abuse (for which she's in recovery). But she isolates herself and has never really sought help for her problems.

I'm riddled with self-doubt but am working on it.

I'm sorry for everyone who's posted in this thread. :(

[derby378]

19. I've never had that sort of emotional abuse...

...but trying to cram fundamentalist religion into my head and insisting I either "believe or deny" something that made no sense at all is pretty taxing, too.

[underpants]

20. My Mom told me if you take a picture of a TV it will blow up

She swears she never said it but my brother and I know she did.

[Lavender Brown]

22. When we first got a microwave,my mom made us leave the room when it was on

because she thought it would explode or something. This was in the early 80s. Not that it makes any more sense because of when it happened. :eyes:

[MissMillie]

21. Sometimes I think verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse

The body almost always heals faster than the heart, that is for sure.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

I was lucky. My mother and father always talked to us kids (and each other) with loving words and in loving tones. What's more, their actions, which always speak louder than words, were always loving and giving.

I truly feel blessed to have grown up in the family that I have.