What would you do?

[Bouncy Ball]

I have a friend who just received a fellowship (a BIG one) to get a PhD in her field at a university about 250 miles away.

Her husband has a very good job here. They have a home here. They have a five year old son.

She's thrilled, he's thrilled for her, of course. This is a once in a lifetime thing, and the fellowship will pay her tuition, fees, materials, books, etc. She can live in graduate student housing for a song.

Problem? Her husband can't just leave the job he has, nor would she ask him to. Don't worry, her NOT taking the fellowship isn't even on the table. They both think that would be crazy.

The logistics are what is worrying them. It will take her a few years to complete this program. Meanwhile, husband and wife live apart. Not the first time any couple has ever done this (my husband and I didn't live together until we'd been married 18 months because he was in the Army and I was finishing college). And if it weren't for their child, it would simply be a matter of burning up the highways between here and there to see each other a lot. Sometimes those reunions can be quite nice. ;-)

But the wife wants to take the son with her down there, he can go to school there, even though taking care of a child alone while getting a PhD will be harder for her, she doesn't want to be apart from him that long (even seeing him weekends isn't very much with a young child, that's her point of view).

The father feels the same way about the child. He doesn't want to be apart from him that much. His side of it is that this home he is in now is the only one he's ever known, he's already going to kindergarten here, and will continue in the same school next year and have stability. Edited because I forgot something the dad says: the mom won't have as much time for the kid as he will, because she'll have wonky hours and be doing research constantly. She admits that's true.

They are not fighting about this, it's just a HARD decision. What would you do?

[redqueen]

1. Cut the kid in half, of course.

[Bouncy Ball]

2. SNARF!

[redqueen]

6. Seriously, though... that's really tough.

I have no idea what I'd do in that situation...

:shrug:

The two suggestions given so far below seem pretty good.

[FloridaPat]

3. See who has the most time after studies and work and that is where

the kid would live most of the year for schooling. The rest of the time go to the other parents place.

[Bouncy Ball]

I just added an edit about that.

The dad feels he would have more time and the mom agrees, because she will have crazy hours and be involved in research all the time.

I was really conflicted on this myself (she asked me for advice) but I'm leaning toward leaving him with the dad now.

I do feel for her, though. I'd rather cut my arm off than be away from my daughter that much.

[cally]

4. I would trade off years and spend EVERY weekend

together as a family. Probably keep the child in his current school next year since the first year of a PhD is tough. Then if all goes well, then bring the child to the new location. It's a tough one but most kids are pretty resilent at a young age.

[Midlodemocrat]

5. When I was getting my PhD

Not the same situation at all, mind you because I didn't have children, I tried to block schedule things so that I was lecturing, attending seminars the first three days of the week and then the last two, I was studying, planning, etc. My point being, perhaps her presence wouldn't be required five days a week at the university, although I guess it depends what her speciality is.

I would leave the little boy where he is and then return home as soon as I could, bringing my work with me, of course.

I think I would try to make duplicate offices, almost, emailing all my work to my home computer, and vice versa so that I wouldn't have to endure the "oh, my gosh, I forgot that" stuff.

Might work, might not, but perhaps a place to start compromise?

[Bouncy Ball]

7. You and cally both had good ideas

that I will pass on. (She asked for advice.)

She can't do as you said midlo, she basically has to be down there full-time, but she can come back home pretty much every weekend. I told them start saving money for gas and wear and tear on the car!

But cally that's a good idea about her maybe getting the first year out of the way, seeing how it goes, then maybe see if the child can come down there at that point. The only problem being, he's bouncing around schools.

I dunno. What a tough one......I feel for them. No way is she going to turn this down, but wow....

[skygazer]

8. What if the child stayed with dad during the school year

and mom during the summer months? The entire family could reunite during holiday periods or long weekends. Not ideal but perhaps it could work.

[Bouncy Ball]

9. I'm thinking that's how they are leaning.

She doesn't want to be without her son that much, but she admits it would be REALLY hard to be basically a single parent while working on this degree. It's a PhD in biochemistry and so she'd be spending a lot of time in labs, etc.

[cally]

10. Biochemistry, wow...lot's of lab time

I still think that the son should stay at his school the first year but after that I think he should go to his Mom's. Depending on what you choose for your study, it demands much lab time. My former college roommate studied fruit flies. They die if you leave them very long. Not good for a family life. But if she was a single Mom during the week, she couldn't leave to monitor the experiments during the night. Leave the son at home until she understands and can evaluate the demands of her studies.

[AlCzervik]

11. My husband lives in a different city than my daughter and i

sunday night through friday night, it's not the best thing but for now we don't really have a good alternative. Weekends we just try and spend our time together.