My unofficially adopted son

[MissMillie]

Lucas moved in with us at the end of 2004. He is a friend of my son's from school. I love him like a son already, and am very glad to have him in my home. He comes from an emotionally abusive home (his mother threw him out), and because of that, he has some issues we're all going to have to work through, but I want him to stay.

That said, adding him to the household is turning out to be more expensive than I imagined. I initially had not worried about groceries and clothes, but did worry a lot about doctors and such. It turns out, groceries are going to be an issue--not just because Lucas adds to our consumption, but his girlfriend is over every day after school, and often stays for dinner.

Last week I asked Lucas to check w/ me before bringing her home, but it hasn't sunk in yet.

I don't want the girl to feel unwelcome, and I honestly don't mind having her there a couple of times a week (in fact when they're in my home, I know where they are and what they're doing) but isn't every day a bit much?

I also wonder, do you think there's a way to get Lucas's mother to pay child support?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

1. How old is Lucas?

If he's under 18, yeah, you could probably go through social services and get child support.

[MissMillie]

2. He'll be 18 in May

But he's got another year of high school after this one.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

6. It's probably not worth the fight for two months worth.

You'll pay more in time wasted.

On another note, just put it kindly that you'd like some quiet time in the house and set specific days where his girlfriend is allowed over.

[MissMillie]

8. My son receives Social Security benefits

from his deceased father's Social Security. My son will be 18 in October, but because he will not graduate until June 2006, his benefits will continue past his 18th birthday. Wouldn't it be the same for state aid?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

9. Not necessarily, but I can't say I know for certain.

I would look into it, but I'm not sure how confident I would be in that. Of course, I wish you the best of luck!

[nini]

3. Is he a minor?

If so - go to the social services office and You/he should be eligible for assistance - most importantly medical care.

Good luck - you're doing a great thing!

[Midlodemocrat]

5. I second that.

If he is a minor, you can get health insurance through your state for him. Is he emancipated from his mother? If so, you don't have recourse to child support from her, if not, perhaps.

Also, where is his father?

[MissMillie]

7. His parents are married and living together

But the dad wants him even less than the mom does. It's pretty sad actually.

[Midlodemocrat]

4. I have been in your situation with two unofficials

I don't think you can get her to pay child support unless you take legal action. How old is this boy?

[xmas74]

10. Just talk to social services and find out.

I don't know the answer to that, but they should be able to help you.

[datasuspect]

11. don't take this wrong way

but is he able to secure some kind of part-time employment? (i know, it's really hard - i have some teenage nephews who really want to get some kind of job, but they live in a semi-rural location and their mother only has one vehicle - plus the competition from grown people looking for what were formerly "teenager jobs" for their primary employment). that way he could chip in "for the house" and maybe get some kind of job history going.

in the house of wackiness that was my family of origin, we were expected to be working somewhere by age 16 and then fork that check over to mama.

and if mom wasn't happy, then nobody was.

[Tsiyu]

12. We have a similar situation

Lots of luck on the support.

I have had to limit food for a while, at least when money is tight. I hate to be a food nazi, but everyone can have four slices of bread ( two sandwiches) a day. etc. That way, everyone gets some of the bread. Otherwise, I would come home and have nothing to eat.

Young people eat a lot, and my son's friend ( parents both deceased, sister didn't want him) has issues with food. That was his comfort, so he turns to food when he's bored or down. I don't mind when we have plenty of groceries, but it really hurts everyone else's stomach when he is home all day and when other friends come over and nosh.

Same with heat. I'll come home and find the thermostat set to 75. And know it's been like that all day.


It's hard to keep one's patience so try to set rules now and bless you for taking in the kid.

[bleedingheart]

13. Put your foot down.

My sister has two boys who are both 6'5" and they eat like farmhands.

There is a strict rule....NO FRIENDS FOR DINNER unless Mom says you can have them over. Her boys eat a lot and she can't afford to feed their friends. She got burned twice when they invited friends over who ATE an entire week's worth of lunch meat and cheese in one sitting...that was bad bad bad...she made her boys pay for that...they earn money cutting grass.


You are doing a wonderful thing by taking this young man in and you can not let him walk all over you in the process. Be honest with him, and tell him that while you are more than happy to have him in your home while he finishes school you can't afford to feed him and his girlfriend.

As for his mother, approach her personally and ask her for support but if he is going to be 18 soon..I doubt you will get any.

Kudos to you for taking him in.

[Rainbowreflect]

14. Contact your local dept of health & human services.

They can help you with public assistance for Lucas & possible child support establishment at no cost to you.
You are a wonderful person for helping this kid out. There is help for you out there.

[GreenPartyVoter]

15. I understand where you are coming from, but... in the cosmic scheme of

it all you are doing a lot of good in the world by letting these kids come into your home. *hugs*

If it's tough financially see what they can do to help out if they can, but if a compromise of pitching in or fewer days visiting can't be reached, would you feel worse if the status quo was maintained or if the stopped being at your home and went elsewhere?

Nite: of course, this is not an issue I have experienced myself as my little guys are still.. well, little. But my parents took in all kinds of kids in their home despite lack of time and money, and over all I don't think they ever regretted it. In fact, there are a few of those kids that now, looking back, we think the intervention of coming into our family's home helped set them straight.