The Top 10 Things You're Not Supposed To Do Or Say In Divorce Court

[eyesroll]

(Hedges did three of these. Can you guess which ones?)

10. Whistle "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" as you're walking into the courthouse, forgetting that other people around you are also getting divorced and are unlikely to find it funny.

9. When the judge tells you you're not allowed to get married anywhere in the world for 6 more months, get down on your knee, propose to your new flame (who is sitting behind you in the gallery) and set a wedding date of six months and one day from now.

8. And then go have sex in the conference room.

7. With your now ex-spouse.

6. When you notice that the judge's name is "Mac," and you turn to the co-petitioner and ask if it's acceptable to sing "Return of the Mac" instead of "Here Come The Judge" upon entering the courtroom.

5. And you are genuinely surprised to find out it is not acceptable to sing "Here Come The Judge" in any case.

4. When opposing counsel questions you about adultery, reply, "well, if we could get through this anytime soon, it won't be adultery anymore, now, will it?"

3. When the judge asks if you are pregnant, excuse yourself, pee on the stick, and then present the stick as evidence that you, indeed, are not.

2. Call the bailiff Rusty behind his back. Only pronounce it as Kramer did on Seinfeld -- "Ruuuuusssstttyyyy!" Every. Freaking. Time. He. Walks. Away.

1. Stand outside the courtroom for the next two hours and ask out each newly divorced person of your preferred sex, in succession, until you either get escorted out of the building, or get a date.

[prolesunited]

1. God knows

But some of them *did* make me giggle a little bit.

Hope it all went as well as could be expected. Any plans for tonight?

[eyesroll]

2. Went really well, actually.

I plan to sleep tonight. I haven't done that in awhile. But, I have a bunch of weekend plans to make up for it.

[prolesunited]

4. I'm taking you two

didn't have sex today? I kinda ruled that one out.

So, care to share what's on your itinerary?

[eyesroll]

12. The conference room was occupied.

My itinerary is not all that interesting -- parents on Saturday, but I am making my post-divorce debut at a Big Political Event on Sunday, where most of the people there who would know me (which isn't a whole lot, but probably some) as the Candidate's Wife, but I will be there with someone else, and we're wondering whether anyone will come up and say, "I met you on the campaign trail but I never met your husband. You must be Vince."

[Bunny]

3. I wish you both well. You each deserve it.

Why do I think hedges did # 9, 8, and 7?

[Magrittes Pipe]

10. No to all.

Freak.

[Bunny]

13. Oh. I'm a freak, am I?

Excuse me, but I am not the one who's in love with Rick Santorum, bub!

[Magrittes Pipe]

14. Yes, you are.

Admit it.

[Bunny]

23. Not if he was the last man on earth and there was a dog alive.

:wow:

[Blue-Jay]

5. 9,6,&2. Just a guess.

[eyesroll]

7. You're very close.

2 of 3.

[Blue-Jay]

9. I know my social misfits, don't I?

[Floogeldy]

6. Ha ha ha!

One correction, though. A divorce judge cannot forbid you from getting married anywhere in the world for six months: Only in their state.

[eyesroll]

8. Technically true -- but he did say if we did get married anywhere in the

world, it would be considered void, so for all purposes, he forbade us from doing so.

[Magrittes Pipe]

11. But Wisconsin won't recognize it.

Not that Wisconsin would recognize my marriage to HEyHEY, anyway. Bastards. :grr:

[underpants]

15. 6, 5, & 2?

All of them are too funny.

[eyesroll]

17. Again, 2 of 3.

(And thanks! Other than the ones Hedges actually did, I wrote them.)

[Beware the Beast Man]

16. Damn hedges, did you hit that in the conference room?

:thumbsup:

[name not needed]

18. 2, 4 & 6?

[Wat_Tyler]

19. 10,6 and 2 of course.

[eyesroll]

20. Of course.

:thumbsup:

[Magrittes Pipe]

22. Technically, I didn't "forget."

I was completely oblivious to the idea that there might be other divorcing couples who weren't quite as cool with it all as we are. Who knew? :shrug:

[Midlodemocrat]

21. 1, 7, 8. What do I win?

[Magrittes Pipe]

24. Nothing, being wrong on all counts.

We do have some lovely parting gifts for you, though; like the home game, and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni. Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat!

[Saboburns]

25. Er,um.

As soon as our divorce was final, my ex and I had a wonderful dinner, followed by outrageous sex.

That was two years ago, and we remain on good terms today. Which is very important to me for some reason.

[eyesroll]

26. Welcome to DU!

We're on good terms, too, but we're both seeing other people, so the "outrageous sex" would probably be outrageous in a different sense.

[Magrittes Pipe]

27. We're also hideously ugly and uncommonly hirsute.

So again, the sex would be quite "outrageous."