Don't you hate it when you can't get over someone?

[Radical Activist]

We haven't spoken in nine months, at my request, and I still love her. The fact that we weren't even in a relationship makes it that much sadder. We dated briefly but we were friends much longer. I fell in love while we were supposed to be friends and I'm the one who decided a relationship wasn't going to work a year before I fell in love with her. It makes it very difficult to believe that anyone I think is exactly what I want will ever think I am exactly what they want. pppttthhhh

[Kenneth ken]

1. I don't see

anything in your post that implies that she might not be willing to explore the idea of a loving relationship with you.

So, why are you not trying to reopen lines of communication with her; and discussing the idea of a loving relationship?

I mean, what could you possibly have to lose at this point?

:hug:

[Radical Activist]

2. I left a lot out of the post

She doesn't want to be more than friends with me now. I know that for sure. We were best friends for about two years and talked almost every day. I can't be like that with her again without falling in love, and she simply doesn't feel the same way.

Thanks for the thought, but it would be redundant at this point.
:)

[Kenneth ken]

3. ah, well sorry then

that is a hard situation.

Really, all you can do is let go and move on. You know that of course, and know that it is easier said than done. But time does help with this sort of thing.

:hug: - sorry I don't have anything more to offer.

[Radical Activist]

4. Thanks

I stopped thinking about her much for a little while, but lately that changed. Time is working too slowly with this one.

[JohnnyCougar]

5. I'm in the same situation you are

except I want to be friends, and this girl I love is not talking to me. She moved away, and I was hoping that I could be friends with her still. Like you, we weren't in a relationship, but we were really good friends. I've never found a girl yet that I can personally relate to as well as I did with her. We both had plans that foced us to move away from each other. I live in Chicago now, and she just moved to DC.

She skipped out on saying goodbye to me, and gave me some lame-ass message on my phone when she got to DC, as if it made up for giving me the cold shoulder when she left. I know we both really loved each other, which makes it even harder to understand why she didn't want to say goodbye.

I have been thinking lately that it might be some kind of situation like yours, only flip-floped. One of her friends, I found out, also told her a bunch of lies, and told her that I was in love with her and that she was previnting me from being able to have a relationship with someone else because she was leading me on (which was 100% untrue). So she feels guilty for that, now, too.

I think when I go back to Milwaukee this weekend, I'm going to literally strangle her friend.

Anyways, I really don't know what she is thinking. I'm not trying to call her now. I sent her an e-mail a month ago, so the ball's in her court. I wish she would call me and talk to me. Not having her as a friend has created a huge void in my life. It's be a while before I meet someone like her again. Everyone I have meet in the meantime is so lame in comparison.

[Radical Activist]

8. I remember your post about that

a while ago, and it reminded me of her.

She was keeping me from starting real relationships because I had too many feelings for her to have a strong interest in someone else. She told me she loved me a couple times but "as a friend" which just makes it an insult. So, do you think the issue with your friend is that she wanted more?

[JohnnyCougar]

55. I don't know....

Fuck, I really have no idea. I absolutely loved her, but we both knew our paths in life would diverge. Part of me wanted a romantic relationship with her, but my more sensible side knew that it would never work.

I know she really loved me, but I didn't get the impression that she was ready for such a serious romantic relationship. She does seem to have intimacy issues, as her Dad abused her in the past. Things like that make it hard for a girl to get emotionally close to men and trust them as part of themselves. I got that impression from the start. We made a lot of progress as friends, though. Plus, she was only 22...she still hasn't fully decided what direction she wants to go in her life.

She has not let many people at all get close to her in her life. She was raised by her nanny, as both of her parents were professionals. They also divorced, and I know she didn't have a good relationship with her mom as well. But I know I touched her heart, and she touched mine. You can see it in people's eyes when the talk to you. It was frustrating, though...every time I thought her walls of isolation were on the verge of crumbling, they would be built back up at full force for a while. Then they would start to crack again....

Then, when it came to saying goodbye, I just don't think she could do it. I wish I knew the real reason, but I guess I'll never know. I'm starting to think that she purposefully ended things on bad terms to create a rift in our friendship so that she could sever our emotional connection; not so much mine to her, but hers to me. I wrote her a goodbye letter telling her I love her, and I want to be friends with her still, even though she was going away. Perhaps she couldn't handle that.

I think I'm gonna try calling her soon, because I don't want her to feel guilty. I know she thinks she upset me with her actions, and she did, but I am ok now. I think she was just confused and didn't know how to handle the situation. I haven't even tried to contact her for a month...I am debating whether the emotional fallout has diminished enough to try and speak to her again.

[B Calm]

6. Drink a lot of BEER, it gets easier as time passes..

[Radical Activist]

9. Beer is good

Except that beer can make me feel depressed and lonely sometimes. That's when you have to make sure you don't drink and dial and make an ass of yourself. I have avoided that terrible fate so far. The plan is Beer on Friday!

[khashka]

7. The only cure for a woman is

another woman. She might have been everything you ever wanted, but there are a hell of a lot of women who fit that description.

So next time you see a nice girl ask her out for a cup of coffee or a beer or wild sex or something. Anything. 9 times out of 10 it will be nice but won't change anything. Ah, but that one time!

You will find another woman to love who loves you back. Easy to say, I know. But it is the truth. But it's easy to feel sad, much harder to get to know other women who are as exceptional, wonderful, beautiful as this one.

But they are out there in the world and some of them are looking for you.

I'm sorry, my friend, I know how much this hurts. But take my advice - ask a girl out. It will feel awkward and strange but do it anyway. You will meet the girl of your dreams.

Khash.

[Radical Activist]

10. Well, ain't that the truth

I've dated other women since her, but it's very rare to find someone who is everything you're looking for. I thought I found another one of those, but of course she has no interest in me. One of these days someone who I think is everything I want will want me. But that is such a rare thing I don't know when or if it might happen again. There are so few women like her, especially where I live.

But like Janis says, all you have to do is be a good man, one time, to one woman and that will be the end of the road.
Thanks for reminding me.

[liberalhistorian]

37. RA, PLEASE be careful

in your interactions with other women! There's nothing worse than getting involved with someone who's only still thinking about someone else and is constantly comparing you in his mind. That's so unfair. It might be a good idea to leave the whole dating thing alone until you truly feel that you really, truly are over her.

[Radical Activist]

11. Ok...trying not to call her tonight

This sucks. I would go out tonight, but I've been kind of a drunkard this past week.

[Lilith Velkor]

15. I feel ya, man.

I'm sitting here battling the urge to call him. Same deal, we were close friends, I fell hard, he figured it out and was a total dick to me for awhile, he calmed down and wanted to be friends, and I can't do it because that would hurt.

Sometimes I go to livejournal and find someone with a shittier life then mine, or take those stupid quizzes on quizilla. It helps a little.

[Radical Activist]

20. Sucks don't it?

You would think after 9 months of not speaking to her I wouldn't sit around wanting to call her up. But this was someone I spoke to almost every day on the phone about anything and everything during the nearly two years we were friends. That's hard to replace.

Why would someone treat you like crap after they found out you're attracted to them? What an ass.

[Lilith Velkor]

38. It sho do.

We were pretty close, got too close, then he freaked out. This was Sept. of '03. It got superugly--I threatened to kill him at one point. He stalked me over the winter. We patched things up a bit in the spring.

Come summer, he started trying to kiss me and touch my goodies and stuff. We made out once, on June 11 (I only know the date because we got really drunk and tried to crash Reagan's funeral.)
Soon after that, I attempted suicide, not just for that but it was a factor. I was in the nuthouse for DNC and RNC.

I've only spoken to him a few times since I got out. He has since informed me he had gonorrhea (um, congratulations?) and that he's not happy with me fucking his best friend (which I didn't, but I didn't confirm or deny it 'cause it ain't his business).

Whoo, it's good to vent. Think I'll take my meds now.

[Radical Activist]

56. That's way more

drama than me and her had. Part of that is because we were far apart, and I suppose if we had tried dating longer there would have been more drama. We probably never would have gotten that close if we were in an actual relationship.

We had periods where we didn't speak for a while and then patched up like you mentioned. I think this one is permanent. I'm sorry to hear about all that happened with you, but I guess it makes me feel like my issues aren't as bad. Thanks! :)

[Lilith Velkor]

59. No problem, sugar.

That's why I read blogs at random when I get like that. My life may be one of the blacker comedies, but there's always someone out there who has it worse.

I still don't know when (or if) I will be healthy enough to deal with him being around. We ran a rinkydink antiwar NGO together. I'm ready to formally cut ties with it, I'm out of the loop anyway because 1) some of the others don't want to share info or cooperate w/me 'cause I'm, y'know, nuts and 2) the rest of 'em are way crazier than I am.

And doing that would involve seeing him again. Ugh.
Damned meds. I either sleep 13 hours or not at all, at random. But at least my bad moods don't last as long. And I just got a dog, which helps. Time for a walk.

[Radical Activist]

60. I would so fall in love with

someone I ran an anti-war group with. This girl is a big environmental activist and works as a park ranger. But, I did once date a girl I met at a protest against the war that I helped organize and spoke at.

[Radical Activist]

21. delete

oops

[kiraboo]

12. It took me nine years to get over the first man I loved.

In the meantime, I married and had three kids. Life does go on, but it's entirely possible that it will never be the same. I suppose it gives us character.

[Radical Activist]

17. Nine years?

That is a very long time. It didn't take me that long to get over my first love, but with her I didn't know what I really wanted yet. With this woman, I know she is what I'm looking for, even if I'm apparently not what she is looking for.
Funny how things that give us character often suck. :)

[Pale Blue Dot]

13. I have never been like this.

If someone rejects me, then in my mind, I really don't want them anymore. Occasionally, I have had trouble letting go of a particular situation, but that has more to do with bitterness than desire.

My advice: get over it. I know, it's easier said than done, but if she doesn't want you, she's not worth it. Or it's just not the right thing.

Hope that helps. I know it probably won't.

[JimmyJazz]

14. Excuse me, but are you me?

:P

[Radical Activist]

23. Yes

I'm the computer generated male projection of yourself. Remember all those on-line personality tests you took that one time? Well, those are used for something sinister...

[SarahB]

16. If it ends badly...

Nope, I have just walked away. No problem. Emotions severed and it's pretty cut and dry for me. If it doesn't really end, has any closure, or is just this lingering unfulfilled thing with all sorts of unanswered questions, it's very difficult and painful for me.

[Radical Activist]

19. There you go

The last time I saw her she was staying at my place on her way out west. We had a pointless argument about nothing the night before she left and in the morning she didn't say goodbye. That was probably because I went to bed in another room without speaking to her that night. There were lots of unresolved questions and feelings that have never been discussed. I think you pinpointed exactly what makes my feelings for her harder to get over than the bad relationships that were actual relationships.

[SarahB]

24. I know because...

I'm so darned wise. Hurting like a motherf*cker myself. Relationships just confuse me. I think I just need a better vibrator and a cat at this point in my life. I can't figure men out (especially the smarter, more complex variety).

[liberalhistorian]

36. Just make sure your kids don't

find the vibrator! My teenage son came SOOOOO close to finding mine the other day, I think I would have just DIED if he had!

[Radical Activist]

54. I can't imagine

how much that would have disturbed me if that had happened to me as a teenager. Of course, I'm sure my Mom didn't have one...of course not! Just let me believe that ok!

[dorktv]

18. Yes but in my case the guy is trying to get me to hate him

apparently.

[Radical Activist]

22. People are strange

I used to have a bad habit of guilt tripping anyone who hurt me, just because I wanted her to feel bad too. I'm better at not doing that. It isn't healthy.

[dorktv]

49. That is not good dear....so what do you think of Dean getting DNC

chair?

[Radical Activist]

53. Don't get me started on Dean

not in the lounge. I think he's another status quo politician elected by the party establishment. If the party is going to really change it won't happen from the top-down.

[Lilith Velkor]

39. Mine too.

Edited to add: They never seem to realize that just makes it worse.

[dorktv]

50. No kidding and considering what I know about him...

[Lilith Velkor]

52. Knowledge that can be used against him?

Been there, with a different guy. I did it with no regrets. Bastard had it coming.

[JimmyJazz]

25. yes - especially when the brain knows better than the heart

what the scoop is, but the heart can't seem to grasp it. Yanumsen?

[Radical Activist]

26. Doesn't it always?

In some ways I know she is perfect for me and exactly what I want. In other ways I know she is completely wrong and it would never work out in the long run.

[JimmyJazz]

27. You really are me, aren't you? I would accuse you of being

my sock puppet, but I already know that isn't true. :hi:

[kiraboo]

29. Yanumsen. Cute. I've never seen that before. n/t

[kiraboo]

28. Yes, I have hated it. Fourteen years into marriage and I still wonder

what the hell happened. I love my husband... he's a loveable guy... but I won't ever completely forget the other man. At this point, though, he's more of an abstract concept: pure, unadulterated love - I would have died for him. The details have been erased from my mind except for those occasional dreams. It might sound depressing but I view it as LIFE in all it's mysterious and painful glory, lol.

[the Princess]

45. I think we all have one of them

I love my husband but there is one man I will never get over. The one who got away and the one who I still miss. I dream about him too. It's life - it happens. You move on - but you never completely forget.

[LiberallyInclined]

30. i recently came in contact with the One...that got away 20some years ago..

she sent a picture and is as beatiful today as i remember her then.

we've both been married for the past 14 years.
she's as liberal as they come, and her spouse is a right-wing bill oh,really? fan.

when i opened that picture- the feelings that suddenly came rushing back...it was a rush...and i can now understand why sometimes you read about two people who meet again after a long time- and then each leave their respective spouses and families to be together...

wow.

[kiraboo]

32. Now that's something I don't want to hear.

My guy is in Norway. I know I'll never see him again unless I seek him out. I've thought about it but I believe I'll just wait until we meet in the hereafter.

And if there isn't any hereafter then I guess it won't matter!

Oh heck, you've got me remembering his brown eyes and... other things. Sigh.

[Bok_Tukalo]

31. Relationships are cultivated over time

That's why others pale in comparison shortly after the end of one.

No one compares to Previous because you haven't spent enough time with anyone to develop the This One.



Sometimes I really hate the English language.

[DU GrovelBot]

33. ## PLEASE DONATE TO DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND! ##

==================
GROVELBOT.EXE v3.0
==================



This week is our first quarter 2005 fund drive. Democratic
Underground is a completely independent website. We depend almost entirely
on donations from our members to cover our costs. Thank you so much for
your support.

[Radical Activist]

34. Dammit grovelbot why won't you call me?!

I miss you!

[Lilith Velkor]

40. He's a cad.

And a ho. Word around the campfire is he's getting a White House press pass soon...

[faithnotgreed]

35. hey radical - i realize you havent gotten any advice! but may i add

we all know relationships can be wonderful but the most wonderful ones do take work. they really really take vulnerability and honesty and communication (among other fantastic things). sometimes theres also anger and confusion and things that we shouldnt have said or done. and sometimes we dont even realize the impact of what weve said or done. were all guilty.

also im not clear if you solely want your friendship back with her or if it would be too painful to resume that because you want more than that. i think? you want the friendship but i just am not sure here so take all this with many grains of salt

i certainly dont know remotely what happened or how but you have such deep feelings for her. you forged something special and now its just not there. i cannot say enough times that when feelings or confusions or needs are not communicated in an honest and loving way, erosion of the relationship is usually bound to follow.

but the beauty of it is that while were still here on earth and have some means of communication, we get to take the risk (if we havent fully taken it already) and lay ourselves bare to that special someone.
i see that you emailed her about a month ago. and im sure it was a heartfelt and beautiful note that of course deserved her response. but emails can be very tough territory. ive been there. without the cues that go from talking in person, it isnt hard to misinterpret things online esp when there are lots of feelings/history involved and the very relationship is being discussed

on the off chance i will say this as a possibility: (the word "may" in this part is always with emphasis)
she may have interpreted the events leading to your break differently than you. she may not know exactly how to respond to what you wrote. she may want to say something back to you but doesnt know where to begin. she may need to hear in your voice whatever it is that youre really feeling eg that you want slowly to work a friendship out with her. she may need to hear that you only want the friendship that you had with her. who knows? she may have felt more than that but doesnt know what to do because you are in 2 different cities

i also cant stress enough that in this kind of situation, listening and being real and vulnerable can be all the start this needs to really hear what is going on with her. and of course if you can be at a place that you can accept whatever she says and wants with you, then youre in a great place to hear her.

best wishes friend. take care of yourself and what you need.

on edit: i just see that youve posted that you know there are ways in which she is wrong for you. i dont retract anything here because its clear you want to know what exactly happened and what she is feeling about all this. very understandable
if you can approach her with truth and acceptance whatever the conversation brings, i would still encourage you to try at least a phone call. when you havent been drinking

ha. of course im just teasing on that last part.
take care

[Lilith Velkor]

42. Sure he's gotten advice.

The same advice I'd give: Lots of booze, and meaningless sex.

[faithnotgreed]

43. yeah. i realize hes gotten lots of advice, thus the exclamation

point after the word "advice"

and like people, theres all kinds....

[Radical Activist]

57. Your post gave me a few things to think about

Thanks.
I would love to be friends with her again, but I just can't do that. I would wonder why she can't feel the same way and be filled with self-doubt every time we talk. It wouldn't be healthy to put myself through that. I love her too much to pretend those feelings aren't there anymore. That's why I asked her not to call me anymore after our last meeting in person went badly.

The last time I saw her I never got to tell her how I felt because of a stupid argument. In the few emails we exchanged since then she has never responded to the fact that I love her. So yes, there are some unresolved issues I want to talk to her about, and email is not the way to do that. She's probably trying to avoid that kind of conversation with me, but I will at least try calling her. Perhaps that will help me resolve some issues and move on, or at least help me better understand what happened so I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

[faithnotgreed]

62. this post from you is enlightened and sweet and very human

im glad you are able to be at that place because truly there are many people who cant let themselves feel whats really there let alone express it as you have

i think youre right about talking with her just to get through the unresolvedness of it. and as i said in my 1st post, i think that when a situation is left like that, its crucial to any future relationship (and i dont just mean with her) to speak your truth and be willing to listen and accept hers

i am so sorry about how much you feel you would want something more with her. that i know is not an easy place to be but im glad you can feel it. that is something. and if you do feel its best to just talk it out once and for all at least you can move forward from there.

best wishes to you. it may sound trite but youre still so young and this is often an important part of life to go through so that you come to know yourself and what you want.
just be true and willing to let others be as well....
not easy by any means but a definite part of finding a healthy love and life.

let us know how you are

[Radical Activist]

63. Darn, I try to avoid that on DU

Just kidding. :)

Thanks again for your thoughtful posts.

[faithnotgreed]

64. ha! well it will be our little secret. i mean you wrote it late at night

and everything so i know that was just a onetime deal

[TahitiNut]

41. Nope.

I've finally had enough experience to treasure my ability to actually love another human being. I treasure it more than sight or hearing. When I was younger and tried to "get over someone" it felt like I was amputating an arm. I guess that was a hint. I've now found that I can still treasure the feeling of love even if other considerations preclude my inclusion of her in my life and vice versa. I can only want the best for anyone I love. That includes freedom and independence.

[the Princess]

44. Some people

You're not meant to get over because they touched you so deeply. And others, no matter how hard you try, will always be in your heart. Try to focus on the love you feel and not the pain of the loss. Try to think about how good it felt to love someone that way. That's what I try to do - I'm not always successful.

Believe me I know how hard this is. A good cry helps. :hug:

[tibbir]

46. Eons ago I fell in love with my best friend.

We stayed that way for several years and then ended up dating and getting married. We were married 23 years until something happened between us that made it possible for us to be a couple. Over the past 10 years we set aside our differences and he became one of my best friends again.

Then in December he died suddenly at the age of 54. I'm amazed at the level of sadness I'm experiencing. It's not just about losing my friend, although that loss is huge. I'm also experience a tremendous amount of sadness about the loss of our relationship as a couple.

I don't think you ever get over some relationships. I've dated other people and broken up and not given them a second thought. But my ex-husband and I never fully stopped having a relationship on some level.

[Wapsie B]

47. Yeah it really hurts.

It really knaws at me for quite some time; second-guessing myself half to death. Knowing that I can't go back and fix things is a bad feeling.
The thing that helped me get over someone is time. Time is the one thing that's made the hurt go away.

[fortyfeetunder]

48. Time will heal wounds

You may never get over it for now. You are experiencing a loss, and you are going those stages of loss (anger, denial, barganing, depression, and acceptance) but it's not the same as losing someone to death, just similar feelings.

It's OK for now to love her as a friend and maybe there will be a "next time". Your priority now, particularly because this is flu season to take good care of yourself. You are #1 for now. OK? :hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

51. Oh, yes, I hate it

I'm naturally monogamous, I think, so once I fall for someone, I stay fallen for a long time.

[mr fry]

58. nope

at 45 there is still a place in my heart for all the lost loves

not a day goes by...........yet i love me wife and would never stray

[PowerToThePeople]

61. Get over her, now!!!

Go out and get lit up. Hang out with friends, you'll meet other gals and be having fun even if you don't. I have learned to move on, though heartache still plays a part. There are about 6,419,487,956 people in the world (http://www.census.gov/cgi-bin/ipc/popclockw) and if half are ladies, that is a lot of chances. Don't give up on love..

[Ilsa]

65. I was addicted to this guy's pheromones almost 20 years ago.

He had a very strong natural "scent" that was pure pheromones. I swear, I went through a physical withdrawal when we weren't together anymore, even though he wasn't good for me, and in some respects, I didn't even like him.

If that's what you are experiencing, then I really feel for you. Try to find some good things you learned about yourself or others from this relationship.