Hi! My name's Steve, and I'm

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

an alcoholic.

There. I said it.

A simple enough statement, on the surface of things. Thankfully, most people will never need contemplate speaking the words. Many won't, but should. Believe me, I know just how hard it can be to say it-- it took me almost ten years of hardcore imbibing to come to the realization that the word "alcoholic" applied to me with a vengance...
----

I began drinking just a couple months before high school graduation-- I got possession of a bottle of red wine (I don't remember where or how I got it). I had no idea what the effects would be, so I drank it a sip at a time. It gave me a bit of a buzz, but it didn't impress me, so I forgot about it. Until I got out of Air Force basic training, and discovered the military was willing to serve alcohol to 18 year olds on its bases (this was 1973). Based in San Angelo, going through weeks of boring tech training, there was really little to do in the evenings-- except go to the on-base enlisted men's club and drink. So I did.

I fell in love with a tasty little drink called a Sloe Gin Fizz. They made 'em tall, sweet, and cold, and I started downing 'em with a vengence. During the 13 weeks I stayed in southern Texas, I drank A LOT. Fortunately, since I was so young and healthy, I didn't suffer from hangovers. Not knowing you were supposed to be in recovery the next day, I instead went back for more. And more. And more.

Moving on to my time in England, I discovered other easily-procured delights-- Thai stick, blonde Lebanese hashish, hash brownies, duffs (half grass/half tobacco), and on and on. (I'll never forget the day the SPs did a sweep of the enlisted quarters. Me and another dude were in his room sampling some grass-- I had the baggie in my hand when they pounded on the door. I was so fried, I just stupidly sat there, so stoned I couldn't even move, with the baggie held behind my back. The flatfoot stood there staring right at me, telling us that although he didn't have a search warrant, he was gonna be back in ten minutes with one! After he about-faced and left, I swear the entire building cleared out in three minutes flat-- and I still couldn't walk down the hall!) Oh, yeah, and Rum and Coke! Yum!

It all caught up with me eventually, of course. After the military, I moved back home, and in my stupidity and unedjumucated state I went the factory worker route. Again, nothing to do with all my free time other than hang out and get drunk. Which I did. A LOT.

Skipping ahead a few years (much of the intervening time is a blur anyway), I found myself still working in a factory, still with a lot of time to kill, and with enough of a paycheck to drink myself into a stupor about three or four times a WEEK. As the alcohol took its toll on my body (especially my liver and brain), I discovered all the joys of day-after recovery sickness. Hangover, queasy stomach, the works. Only now it was serious, it was chronic, and was changing my personality and outlook. I'd become the drunk who was always calling in to work with stupid excuses. I was now drinking alone-- I hadn't had any real friends for quite a while. Who wants to hang with a power drunk? I was driving drunk-- there were more than a few times that by all rights I shouldn't have survived my little midnight journeys out into the country. Actually, by all rights, if busted, there were times I would have faced serious jail time. However, it never happened, by luck and by the grace of God.

I'd gotten to the point where I was going to the package store daily. I'd stopped drinking brand name stuff-- I'd switched to street-grade vino-- the powerful stuff they make specifically to sell cheaply to the hard-core street people. I was drinking it down, and it was well and truly stripping my gears.

I still remember the night I finally looked at myself and said the word. I was out, driving around town on my motorcycle, and carrying on a raging debate about if I should cash my paycheck and get drunk. NOT WOULD I get drunk, BUT "SHOULD I". I'd been drunk twice already that week, and I was riding around on two wheels, asking myself IF I SHOULD GO GET DRUNK.

I didn't. Instead, mentally shaken for the first time ever, I drove home, went into the bathroom, and took a good long look at myself in the mirror. What I saw staring back really, really frightened me. For the first time, I saw an alcoholic gazing out at me, and I couldn't make the damned image go away. I was sober, shaken up, and I had no one to turn to. It had been a long time since I'd let anyone get close enough to me to hang on to. I was alone.

Looking back, the thing that pissed me off most was the fact none of my coworkers at the factory ever made an attempt to help me. Not a single person had the class to walk up to me and tell me I was making a long-term ass of myself. NOT ONE.

They all though it was funny, you see. That, and if they had someone else to laugh at, someone worse off than them, they would be safe. Cool beans for them, but in the meantime I was drinking myself into an early grave, all alone. The bastards.

The "A" word slowly sank in. Over the following weeks, it never went away. I thought of it constantly. Of course, being the drunk I was, the anger and loneliness simply drove me back to the bottle. I still had the craving-- the NEED-- alcohol is, after all, extremely addicting-- But to my lasting amazement and joy, somehow the concept slowly cut through the haze, in a few more weeks and after a few more binges and crises, I became determined to put the bottle down and walk away from it.

And I did.

Cold turkey. No 12 Steps. No counselling sessions. No pats on the back from friends. (In fact, I did have an occasional drinking buddy who tried to get me to start drinking again. He thought I was more fun to be with when I was drunk!)

By the grace of God, and with a burst of willpower and a desire to be free that I couldn't call up again today if I tried, I put the bottle down and walked away. And I never picked it up again.

That was in May of 1982.
---

Why am I boring you all with this sordid story? Because, frankly, I've seen more than a few posts on this board that give indication of men and women in trouble because of alcohol. It's easy for me to recognize it, you see, because I've been there. I've made all the excuses. I've told all the lies. I've walked the walk, and you can't hide from me. I'm an alcoholic.

I said before none of my friends lifted a finger to help me. And that pisses me off. After I sobered up-- after I detoxed enough to began picking up the pieces of my life, I swore that I'd never not help a friend if I saw they were in trouble. And I'm a man of my word.

I don't name names. I don't reference posts. I don't hint at anyone or anything. All I'm saying is, if you recognize even a LITTLE BIT of yourself in my story, then for the sake of you and all those around you, SEEK HELP.

No one drinks alone, even if they think they do. I did have friends in that factory, but because what I was doing to myself, I drove them away. I had a girlfriend I could easily have married, but the booze was stronger than my commitment, and I lost her. My health suffered, my work suffered, and those around me couldn't get near enough to me to get through to me. I think they gave up. (Yes, as I told the tale above, it sounded a bit different-- that was the booze talking! I was never really alone!)

I know there are others here willing to help. Any little thing you can do may be the deciding factor in the recovery of another person. A hug. A gentle hint at the right moment. An intervention. Anything.

As an alcolholic, I needed help and didn't get it. By all rights I shouldn't be here today. I will never know where I found the strength and will to walk away. I know exactly how rare a thing it is.

Most can't-- most won't try. Not on their own. Not by themselves. They need your help, and they need you friendship. And they need it NOW. How can you help the others? Just open your eyes, your heart, and your arms. Do it NOW.

Alcoholism is a devastating disease. It kills people. It destroys families. It causes pain, anger, fear, and nothing but trouble for everyone within the afflicted person's personal circle. And it's not only booze. It's pills, crack, junk-- there's an entire gamut of addictive nastiness out there. Can you honestly say that within your entire sphere of influence you don't know a single person who may have been in trouble at some point?

You do now.

My name's Steve, and I'm an alcoholic. Glad to meet you. What can I do to help?

[MrScorpio]

1. Hi, Steve

If I could, I'd get you a cup of coffee.

[ikojo]

2. Hi Steve...thanks much for sharing your story.

I have a brother in law named Steve and I hope he finds sobriety soon.

I wish you success in your continued recovery.

[prolesunited]

Hi, Steve!

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have three family members who are, one who won't admit it (one of those responsible, functioning alcoholics, you know, I'm not it the gutter so there's not a problem), one who's reveling in it and in complete denial, and another whose suicide was partly attributable to substance abuse.

I'll drink socially. I never have any alcohol in my house, except on rare occasions, and often go weeks and months without a drink. Frankly, it scares me.

Thank you for sharing your story. You really laid it all out there in such a moving, intimate manner. I often read the Lounge posts and have thought the same thing as well. Maybe they will hear you.

[LuLu550]

3. Hey, Steve thanks

I came here to escape because I just found out my older brother is in jail in New Mexico. He got pissed off because some "yuppie scum" gave him a hard time about his dogs, so my brother decided to teach them a lesson and drove his truck right at them. Didn't hit them or anything, just scared them, he told me earlier tonight as he babbled in a drunken litany of "everyone's an asshole but me"s.
Trouble is, they reported him to the police who threw him in jail on assault with a deadly weapon charges about an hour after I spoke with him.
I'm in New York. We were all supposed to go to Denver for his daughter's wedding at the end of the week...
and I'm telling my 83 year old mother "maybe this is the best thing that will ever happen to him...maybe now he'll stop drinking."
So thanks for the reinforcement Steve. I only hope a couple days in jail and the world of shit he's gotten himself into helps him kick the habit and not dive deeper into the bottle.

[E_Zapata]

7. Ah, the impeccable timing of the professional alcoholic!

I know it well (come from an alcoholic family).

He creates a huge crisis on the eve of his daughter's wedding. And disappoints her again, as I am sure he has for years.

Leave him in jail - don't bail him out (but get someone to take care of his dogs, please).


And Steve......you've got to stop blaming other people for not intervening. I think you should spend some quality time with some wild drunks -- have to work with them and rely on them and just SEE how much you give a damn about them "getting off the hooch." I am sure your co-workers were just praying you would drive your motorcycle over a cliff and be out of their hair! Not to be harsh, but geeesh, what's up with thinking anyone owed you anything. You still OWE THEM an apology for what I am sure is a HUGE infraction on their good intentions to make work something they could be proud of. Do you know how demoralizing it is to go to work and have to stand next to someone who has digested alcohol detoxing out of their skin - the shear smell of death? And have to compensate for their slowed responses and abilities? I am sure you degraded their work experience and they couldn't do a thing about it except make do. And 20 years later, you are actually suggesting that they owed you compassion and a leg up? Nah.

You need a reality check, and I am offended that after 20 years you are still playing the blame game. You can't help anyone until you FULLY help yourself. good lord.

[LuLu550]

9. dogs are OK

his girlfried is taking care of them while blaming herself for causing the problem by not taking out the garbage on time or some such drivel.
Yeah, he's staying in jail for a while..nobody's even close enough to help if they wanted to...everyone lives in a different state.
But I fogot about the causing a crisis bit...you see, big brother is only following in Dad's footsteps.

[E_Zapata]

12. Oh, such a cycle. So sorry to hear

My siblings and I are all pretty "sober" and keep our affairs in good order. That's just a fluke.

Well, I hope his girlfriend will realize that he is in jail because of himself..... bless her heart.

But you can see it, right?

You have a big drinking guy who probably doesn't have a good track record in his relationship with his daugther. Her most important day ever is coming about .......a crucial father-daughter day. And he's wondering, due to low self-esteem, if he's worthy to be a part of it. Alcoholics have terrible self-esteem.....it's why they drink.

so he creates an diversion to AVOID the whole affair. I mean......gee, hon, I'd be there if I could....oops, one of the jailees needs the phone, gotta go, luv ya...so sorry......I will make it up to you.

And he has been saved from having to confront his whole sordid drunken past and himself and most importantly, being there for his daughter as he probably feels unworthy to stand for her and give her away.

So very sad......

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

11. You missed the most important paragraph

"No one drinks alone, even if they think they do. I did have friends in that factory, but because what I was doing to myself, I drove them away. I had a girlfriend I could easily have married, but the booze was stronger than my commitment, and I lost her. My health suffered, my work suffered, and those around me couldn't get near enough to me to get through to me. I think they gave up. (Yes, as I told the tale above, it sounded a bit different-- that was the booze talking! I was never really alone!)"

I know they weren't to blame for my problems. The point is, part of the sickness is to not accept blame for anything, ever. It's one of the points I was trying to make.

No one owes anyone anything. Sweet sentiment. Although it may be true, does that make it right, or moral? Only when we can learn how to reach out past the sickness and help because it's the right thing to do, will we be able to call ourselves civilized.

[E_Zapata]

13. And you missed the most important part of what I was saying,

If you clearly saw how much of a Liability you were to your co-workers (even the ones who drank with you), 20 years later, it wouldn't even end up in your 'story' to talk about 'what others could have/should have done to intervene' because you would have looked over every last speck of how your disease impacted others.

Hey, life is a process......I just choose not to list my crimes on the board; doesn't mean I don't have a list of 'things to do' to fully engage my life lessons.

But not everyone is going to get all teared up and pat you on the back for your ENTIRE story -- which, in my Adult Child of an Alcoholic mind, thinks that you passed over some of the accountability issues.

And another thing -- maybe they DID the most right thing by letting you hit bottom. Ever think of that? What if someone forced you into detox before you were ready, and the sense of anger about that kept you drinking even up till now? You can't question your path or their or, god forbid, apply MORAL JUDGMENTS. I think you are on a dry drunk, which is the next best thing to killing yourself, but by no means is the VERY best state of internal affairs.

I take it you have never gone the route of the 12 steps. It is never too late. The entire PREMISE of the 12 steps is to stop blaming others and yourself and come to a place of acceptance. Give it a whirl.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

17. I've long since accounted for my past sins

I've had over 21 years of sobriety to reflect, and to repair the damage I've done. I have no more mea culpas to give, because none are needed.

I've moved on to the next phase, which is to help others who need and want it. THAT'S why I wrote my post-- not to impress anyone, not to choke anyone up with teary-eyed emotionalism. I told my story so people in trouble would know there's a chance for help. Also, it's a plea for the better-adjusted among us to step forward and offer some of that much-needed help.

No need to read anything else into it, because that's all there is.

If you have another side to write about, please do so. I'll be most interested in listening to YOUR story. I'm sure there's a lot you have to talk about...

[E_Zapata]

19. You are an alcoholic whether you are sober or not

and your shear childishness in response to someone calling you on your blame game signifies a bit of the dry drunk syndrome.

I caught it loud and clear in your post: "No one helped me when I needed it. And that pisses me off."

Again, maybe they DID help you? Or maybe they tried, but you were too out of it for it to have registered then or now?

What a friggin martyr. Martyrdom is a sign of dry drunk syndrome. Look at GW -- the personification of dry drunk.

Hit a 12 step meeting. You can't help anyone until you help yourself. How many 'drunks' have you reformed? Do you dissuade them from going to AA, since you managed without it? If that's the case, I wish you would stop your efforts because AA is the single-most best and most effective path for any alcoholic. and you don't have that to give, because you have done what so many other alcholics do everyday: Run their own show.

You really get under my skin. Sorry......

And I have told you A LOT about my story -- just be interfacing with you about yours. I am no martyr and have no need to bear my heart on a message board, but I am sure I could raise a few hairs with my story......but I choose to apply it in real world circumstances, where it counts.

[E_Zapata]

20. Let me re-frame this a bit

I love the story that Steve has told

It shows courage and the invincibility of the human spirit

And 100% genuine care for others who walk the path (or rather, stumble in the path) that Steve was able to change for himself.

But I ask that if his story resonates with anyone who reads this board, for them to turn to Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find kindred spirits who have skills and a special sparkle in their eye that might convince you that life can be lived without booze, but not just by being dry. There is an incredible dynamic freedom available to alcoholics, and AA is the most likely place that one may find it.

I will also say that alcoholics, though they can be the most self-centered (drunk or dry) people on earth are also the most sensitive, loving, gifted and talented people on earth. I think that sensitivity is what drives them to drink.

AA can offer a person more than just a hang-over free life -- so much more.

And that's the point I was trying to make.

[DixieNurse]

18. What a way to introduce myself... :(

Hello Steve---My name is Carla and I am an addict and an alcoholic (but isn't it nice to be part of a group???)


Dang it--I wasn't counting on coming out with this mess right off the bat, but it's not up to me, so here goes....(I would like very much to PM you, but I can't--I'm new here, and that's that...but hey--thanks to all the folks who have written me to say hi--sorry I can't write back--enough about me..)


I've been in recovery almost ten years, and I have to tell you that my gut feeling tells me that there is something going on with you, Steve....not that it's necessarily a negative thing, but I just have that feeling and here's why:


You said this about yourself, "..frankly, I've seen more than a few posts on this board that give indication of men and women in trouble because of alcohol....I said before none of my friends lifted a finger to help me. And that pisses me off. After I sobered up-- after I detoxed enough to began picking up the pieces of my life, I swore that I'd never not help a friend if I saw they were in trouble. And I'm a man of my word.....I don't hint at anyone or anything. All I'm saying is, if you recognize even a LITTLE BIT of yourself in my story, then for the sake of you and all those around you, SEEK HELP."


I don't know how you have managed to stay sober as long as you have--with no professional treatment of any kind! You went cold turkey--the hardest way to go, btw! I also see that you are giving credit to God for your willpower (no one better to rely on for this), however, there is much to be said for the 12-Steps and counseling--it shows you the "whys" about alcoholism, and can help you to understand yourself better and the reasons you started drinking in the first place...


And about helping others...your statement above seems to contradict itself. First you say, 'none of my friends lifted a finger to help me' (what the hell were they supposed to do for you?), then you said, 'after I detoxed enough to began picking up the pieces....I swore that I'd not help a friend if I saw they were in trouble..' (What the hell?!) Do you believe that your recovery is too special to share with the very people who had no clue how to help you? Where is your peace of mind in regards to forgiveness and getting over stuff?) Surely you aren't still holding grudges against those folks for all this time....


"And I'm a man of my word" Now, this sounds great--depending on what your 'word' consists of... Nothing to be proud of in the refusal to help another--no matter what your 'word' is, my friend...


The you admit that you were unable (like the rest of us) to quit alone--right? But you said this about that.."All I'm saying is, if you recognize even a LITTLE BIT of yourself in my story, then for the sake of you and all those around you, SEEK HELP." With this statement you have done two things: Refused to acknowledge that when you were sick and couldn't see that you were, that there were folks who were instrumental in getting/giving you the help you had to have, and forgetting that if there are people here who are sick, then they also have no idea they are, nor do they know how to help themselves...


I spent three months in rehab in the middle of a crak neighborhood in downtown Memphis--and I got clean of a speed/alcohol addiction--thank God! But I came out of there feeling a responsibility towards the others of us (yep me and you), who are still out there using..(we have to share what we know with them...otherwise, we fail ourselves as well)


I hope you take this in the spirit in which it's intended--I don't know you at all--but we are cut from the same cloth, and I want you to have peace of mind as I do...


Thanks,
Carla

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

21. There's a reason I wrote it the way I did

it contradicts itself because part of it was written from the viewpoint I had as I was drinking. "Then and now", as it were. The NOW part knows I was a miserable shit of a person, not accepting any sort of responsibility, and blaming everyone but myself for my problems. It's what a drunk does.

Today, I know it's on me. I know the damage I did, and I've made peace with those who were affected by what I did and didn't do. Although I didn't 12-step, I am aware of the methods they have laid out, and I have gone through a good portion of it on my own initiative. I now have a good life, my own business, and am interacting in a positive way with new people on a daily basis, and I'm having the best time of my life in many ways.

I'll always be an alcoholic. I know that. Even 21 years later, I still get the urge to have a drink a dozen times a day. The inclination to take that drink is gone, though. I'll never lift the glass again.

I wrote my article to express the help I wished I had, but didn't, mostly through my own nastiness and avoidance. I acknowledge that before the world. It's the way drunks are. I know because I am one. Precisely because I am a drunk, I can see the signs when they appear in others-- I'll bet you also see it. When we see it, that's the time and place to step forward and offer assistance.

Not many will take it. Most will be downright hostile. But if no one makes the effort, what chance does anyone have?

Out of the shame of my past denials and hostilities, I can now offer my hand when it's needed.

Is it beginning to make some sense now?

[E_Zapata]

23. Oh steve.........

I don't think it's a mistake that you posted this here today. But I think the person who needs the most help is you.

You honestly want to take a drink a dozen times a day?

My heart is genuinely breaking for you. It really is.

Did you know that there is a solution to that? That alcoholics in the millions get up everyday and are free from that urge?

It is never ever too late to plop yourself down in a meeting and take the 1st step.

Prove me wrong -- go and then tell me 'you don't need it; you have it handled.'

But if you are offering anyone the 'opportunity' to white knuckle it for the rest of their long, long lives, baby, please stop sharing what you have and continue on your white knuckle affair.

You can't look at the steps. You have to do them to know them.

I was in a mixed meeting (al anon and AAers) and an alcoholic who had been sober for 30+ years and active in AA and was basically a poster boy for the org, took the step to turn his will and his life over to a higher power for the very first time. It was a moment, I tell you. I just thank god he held on that long. And was sorry he put himself through that.

Peace, dude!

[rasputin1952]

24. Welcome to DU Dixienurse!...

:hi:

it's always a breath of fresh air when a new face comes in the door!

Have fun, stick around, and start getting the posts up there!

:bounce:

[DixieNurse]

26. Thank you much..

Hey thanks!

I have read my mail--lol, but no way to answer any of it.. :( ..
(I feel welcome already, and I think I will hang around and start posting some, since y'all already know more about me than some of my neighbors do!)

Dixie

[Nikia]

4. Thanks for your powerful testimony

My best friend has an alcohol almost destroyed his life story. Two of the people who we both know who he told his story have serious alcohol problems. They didn't seem to recognize themselves though. It is too bad but I guess that it has to be a personal decision to recognize one's addiction.

[MediumBrownDog]

5. Wow

Thanks, Steve, for such a great thoughtful post.

[1monster]

6. Congratulations, Steve...

21 years, and five plus months straight.

[MuseRider]

8. Thank you Steve.

It takes a good person to share a story like that all in the hope of helping someone else. I am lucky, a family full of alcoholics and drug addicts, most are now dead partly because of that very thing. I rarely drink, used to a bit but my husband and I bought a bottle of Rum on our honeymoon as a keepsake of where we were and it is still unopened after 20 years. You are a lucky and rare person to have done what you did and a very good human to share like you have.

[kaitykaity]

10. Hi Steve!!

As an ex-servicemember and present-day alcoholic sober
since 4 June 2000, thank you for telling your story.
You did it well.

kk

[SOteric]

14. Powerful words, Steve.

Thank you for sharing.

I can't even begin to imagine what an awesome amount of courage it took for you to drop your addictions cold turkey, much less to admit them in an internet forum.

:hug:

[BigMcLargehuge]

15. Beautifully written Steve

and huzzah for turning your back on demon rum and all the temptations that must linger when you cut the addiction off. You strength may inspire others with similar problems to finally act.

Don't know if anyone said it yet, but...

Great job!

:)

[Mikimouse]

16. Hi Steve,

Keep coming back, it works if you work it!

[mourningdove92]

22. February 22,1994

I've got 10 years coming up! WooHoo!!
Wow, aren't we the lucky ones. I have a brother who cannot find his way out of alcholism. Me, I'm just grateful that I'm out of it.

[rasputin1952]

25. I'd like to take a moment of your time...

and say it is pretty damn courageous of you to jump into the alcohol/drug free zone.

I have stories too, but I will not bore you with them just yet, It is after 0100, and I'm pooped,

I just wanted to pop in with a note of support. I too quit all substance abuse cold turkey. I was amazed at finding out just who and what I really am and can accomplish.

Hang in there!

:hi: :bounce:

:kick:

[imax2268]

27. my sobriety came...

after going to jail for the second time...I got a second DUI and that was the last straw...it was either spend more time in jail or get down to business and get sober...

1 year ago on the 3rd of October...sober ever since...

besides...the ladies like a man who can speak actual sentences and not slurred drivel...

Keep up the great work...