Steven Wright says...

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

Subject: Steven Wright Observations

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize .
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

[bahrbearian]

1. LOL n/t

[CanuckAmok]

2. 34: I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

35: I just finished the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.

[unblock]

3. i have a map of the world. it's actual size

people ask me where i live, i say, "e-5".

[NightTrain]

4. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

:evilgrin:

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

5. And one of my favorites... Why do we park in the driveway

and drive on the parkway?

[cruadin]

6. Steven Wright's totally deadpan delivery cracks me up....

as much as his observations do. LOL

[Osamasux]

7. The sign said the convenience store was open 24 hours.

When I got to the door, it was locked. I told the guy, "The sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

[JimmyJazz]

8. I got pulled over by a police officer the other day.

He said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."

[jpgray]

9. Steven Wright is hilarious (nt)

[Jade Fox]

10. LOL! I love Steven Wright

great list.

[Streetdoc270]

11. I'm addicted to placebos.

I could quit, but it wouldn't make any difference.

[KG]

12. you can't have everything, where would you put it?

[DODI]

13. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, coincidence, I think not.

[Rabrrrrrr]

14. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

[LynzM]

15. "Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark"

I love Steven Wright, his delivery is amazing!

"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright

For a WHOLE lot more... http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html

[baldguy]

16. There's a light switch in my house that doesn't do anything.

And every time I go by it, I flick the switch up and down a few times. I've been doing it for years.

Last week I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said: "Stop that."

[welshTerrier2]

17. my favorite: i went into a restaurant that said "breakfast anytime"

so i ordered French Toast during the Renaissance ...

[Floogeldy]

18. "Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something. I saw it in a cartoon once

. . . but I think I can do it."

[Aristus]

19. I like Steven Wright's style so much, I used it to write my own jokes:

Feel free to steal them.

I was going to make my living holding up banks, but I wasn't strong enough, so I just knocked them over instead.

I recently bought a pet parakeet. He keeps saying the same phrase over and over again, and now I'm starting to repeat it.

What do you think? :-)