Have you ever had to cut off contact with a parent ?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

If so how did you go about doing it ? Was'nt it a weird feeling that it had to come that far ? How did your other family members react to what you did ? And how did the parent with whom you have cut off contact with react ?

I need some advice on I how I should go about dealing with my other relatives who live in close proximity to the parent and people I am cutting off contact with .

And oh yeah , this post of mine is the reason why : http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x2403916

[tk2kewl]

1. I did not get along with my Dad for a long time

but never really cut off contact completely. I just avoided him except for the mandatory holidays. Fortunately he has mellowed a bit with age (and at least he was never a republican)

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

2. I haven't really spoken to my father in about 10 years.

He seems to be just as emotionally, physically and mentally abusive as your "step-father."

It was the hardest thing to do in my life. I want to write you all about it, but I'm at work and the emotions would be a little to much to deal with and too hard to write it all down in my little break.

If you want to PM me, we could start a conversation up about it.

[havocmom]

3. My dad was an alcoholic misogynist. As soon as he gave indications

that he recognized me as a grown woman and started projecting all the world's shit on me like I had watched him do to my mom, older sister and two step mothers, I just flat out stopped talking to him. Never gave a reason to him as there is no point in arguing with a drunk. He called once after years of my silence and whined that he just didn't understand what he did to make me so mad. Told him I wasn't mad, just not gonna deal with him anymore. Figured he only called because he had pissed off his latest circle of acquaintances and was out of women to bitch to.

I do not regret the step I took. Would do it again just the way I did it then.

[bloom]

4. I have a couple siblings

who have cut off contact with my parents for various reasons.


My parents were upset - but generally went along with whatever was going on.

In one instance, part of the reason given was religious. That was probably partly true.

In another instance - the reason given was their spouse demanded it.

I always felt rather weird about it - but it didn't last forever - and people more or less get over it.


Seems like the best possible way is to be calm and honest about it. And try to leave the door open for future reconciliation.



To some extent - in your case - I saw your thread last night - it seems like people need to get out and get their own space anyway. So if it's framed like that, your mother would understand. She would also probably understand if you said you didn't want to see her husband because of his temper. If you left some communication open between you and her - I'm sure she would be able to deal with it better. (My viewpoint as a mom).

[mike_c]

5. I've only spoken with my (step)father once in the last 20 yrs or so...

...and that occasion was over a decade ago. I didn't so much "cut off" contact as simply stop initiating it. I have little to say to him and haven't missed the contact in the least. I hadn't spoken with him more than a couple of times in the 10 years before that. We have virtually nothing in common other than shared memories of an embarassingly dysfunctional family, so there's no reason to feel any particular loss.

I've recently restored communication with my mother, who finally left the old goat and is living with a dear friend in another city. I'm glad for her, and glad to have her at least somewhat back in my life, but after 30 years of very sporadic communication it's hard to get back into the habit.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

6. Good for your mom .

[amazona]

7. well sort of

My mom is very New Age and always has been. She didn't accept that a health issue of mine was caused by a severe allergy, tested and verified by doctors, and that I could not be around my allergan without severe repercussions to my health. She felt if I put my mind to it, I could overcome this disability. So for many years I could not visit her for my own safety. It wasn't a complete cut-off of contact. She was welcome to visit me and often did. These days she has backed off from the extreme "A Course in Miracles" position and accepts that people can be ill through no fault of their own and they are not just being ill to annoy their mother. So she can work with me on making her home a safer place for me to visit, at least for a short time.

I find if you don't discuss what you are doing -- if you don't make a big deal about it -- but you just mysteriously avoid the person who is causing the problem, it is a lot less stressful. So I deal with people like that by not dealing with them. That's why the Good Lord made answering machines....

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[Xithras]

8. Spoken with my mom 3 times in 12 years.

My mother has the ability to be this kind, compassionate woman most of the time, but she has this recist freeper streak and this need to dominate her children that drove all of us away from her years ago. My final straw was when she physically attacked me for some trivial argument and I walked out.

I didn't speak to her for six years after that. When I did finally meet her again, I introduced her to my wife and her granddaughter. When she learned that my wife is half-Osage, she made a remark along the lines of "Oh great, just what the family needed...halfbreed grandbabies." My wife and I were both in shock, and we left right afterwards. The only other time I've seen her was briefly at my sisters wedding. She has two more grandchildren that she's never met, she wasn't invited to my wedding, she's never had a real conversation with my wife, and as best I can tell she's going to die old and lonely. I realized long ago, however, that she made her own choices and their repercussions aren't my responsibility.

Is it weird? For the first couple of years, yes. My family wasn't too enthused with the idea at first, but they understood the situation and accepted my choice. It doesn't mean that I don't still get a "You should make up with your mother" comment or two at every family gathering, but I can deal with that. You just have to make clear to them the reasons WHY you are cutting off contact and that it is the other persons behavior, not yours, that is maintaining the separation.

Luckily, in my case, my dad remarried a wonderful woman years ago, so I do have an older-woman figure to turn to when I need advice about certain things.

[noonwitch]

9. I didn't talk to my mom once for about 3 months

We talk now, but about ten years ago she said some really unforgiveable things to me. She and my dad have been divorced for a while now, and she was trashing him to my grandparents in front of me. I told them all that he was not a monster and if they continued to say that, what do they think of me, since I'm his daughter, too. Anyways, later, she asked me how I could defend him after he hurt her so badly. I told her that he never beat me, never raped me and paid for me to go to college, so what do I have to complain about. She then said basically that she traded sex for my tuition money and I should be eternally grateful to her for that. I told her that her marital relations were her business and not mine, and didn't talk to her for a few months. I just let my machine pick up her calls, which after a couple of weeks became unintelligible cryfests. I know that the whole thing was really passive-aggressive on my part, but whenever you try to express anger with her, she just cries. There was more to it than that, but that was the kicker. She was mad at me for asking my sister to stay with me after I had gallbladder surgery, instead of asking her. It was time to set some limits-she's one of those people who thinks everything is about her. If I get sick, it's not about me being sick, it's about her needing to take care of me. I had to establish a firm boundary with her, although she still will make a snide comment occasionally about how much I hurt her when I had surgery.
Part of the reason it had really made me angry was that in the actual divorce, I did side with her, because my dad was a drunk at the time and she had been steadily manipulating us since we were kids to have issues with him.
She's a codependent with borderline personality disorder (my diagnosis, based on a 17 year career as a social worker). Her former employer got sick of her and made her go to a therapist-she conned the therapist after 6 months of treatment into writing a letter to her boss saying she was fine.
Dad's been sober now for about 6 years and Mom now has a boyfriend, a psychologist who obviously has his own issues. Unfortunately, Dad now lives 1200 miles away in Florida.

Anyways, sometimes you do have to take drastic action to keep from getting hurt or yanked around. For me, it didn't need to be a permanent severance of contact, just a temporary one to let her know I wasn't a kid anymore. It was hard on my sister when I did that, because my mom would call her to cry about it. My dad never knew about it because it didn't involve him at that point.

[z-man]

10. I can't wait to see my parents. They've been in another

country for the past 15 years.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

13. You are very lucky . It sounds like your family is sane .

[Walt Starr]

11. I haven't spoken to my father in about five years now

Prior to that time it was about eight years and prior to that it was about seven years.

It has nothing to do with politics.

My father is a complete and total dick.

[sundog]

12. yes...

it hurts, but sometimes you have no other choice

[NNadir]

14. Not me really, but my wife did that. We moved and didn't tell my

mother-in-law our new address and phone number. My wife was tired of being treated like a sixth rate daughter in a four daughter household.

When MY father was dying, one of his last wishes was that his daughter-in-law (my wife) forgive her mother. Because my father asked, my wife, who loved him very much because she is basically a loving person, did exactly that.

They made sort of a peace, my wife and my mother-in-law, but I think it straightened my mother-in-law out about how far she could push my wife. At least when my mother-in-law shortchanges my wife, she now tries to be less obvious. That makes it all less painful.

I think it worked out pretty well.