Anyone got any jokes to share?

[bigwillq]

I always like to have a few in the bank in case I go to the bar or a party.

I love jokes.:)

[bloodyjack]

1. Never dine with a duck

They always stick you with the bill

And here's a knock-knock joke that always disarms the wiminz

Male: Would you like to hear a very funny knock-knock joke
Female: NO
Male: Are you sure
Female: FINE
Male: OK you start
Female: Knock knock
Male: Who's there?
Female: Kiss me you fool

[bigwillq]

4. HAHA!

I really liked the first one!

[Taxloss]

14. How do you turn a duck into a jazz musician?

Stick it in a microwave until its bill withers.

(Don't get it? Say it out loud.)

[bigwillq]

16. Had to say it out loud!

HAHA!

[leftofthedial]

2. Did you hear about the old guy's pick-up line?

"Do I come here often?"

[bigwillq]

6. Aww, stop knocking the seniors!

We'll be there one day too!:hi:

[melnjones]

3. Two sausages were frying in a frying pan.

The first sausage said, "Man, it's really hot in here!"
The second sausage said, "AAAAGGHHH! A talking sausage!!"

[bigwillq]

5. Cute!

:)

[Taxloss]

15. Two cows are talking in a field.

Cow #1: "I'm really worried about this mad cow disease."

Cow #2: "Doesn't affect us squirrels."

[bigwillq]

18. Silly stuff!

:hi:

[melnjones]

27. Freaking genius. nt

[Astrochimp]

7. Unions RULE!

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you might expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[Bronco69]

8. Here are my two favorites...

1. Q. What's the difference between a republican and a cockroach?

A. There are some things a cockroach just won't do!



2. George and Laura are getting ready for one of their many inaugural balls. Laura says, "George, can I please stay home tonight? I'm not feeling well at all." George says, "Now Laura, you're the First Lady, it's your duty to go. Laura says, "Please George, I'll do anything not to have to go." George says, "OK, I'll tell you what, if you blow me you can stay home. Laura starts blowing him and she says, "Oh George! That tastes like shit!" George says, "I know, Dick Cheney didn't want to go either!."

:-)

[bigwillq]

9. #2-Yuck!

And that is coming from a gay man!

#1-HAHA!

[LiberalFighter]

12. Gotta add those to my pda

[Taxloss]

17. What the difference between a Republican and a bag of sh*t?

The bag.

[Left Is Write]

10. George W. Bush.

[bigwillq]

11. Been one all his life!

:)

[fatldysings]

13. YEP

I've got some jokes fom work but they are about teresa Heinz Kerry and people here wouldn't appreciate them.

[JohnKleeb]

19. Here's a Catholic joke I heard from my grandma

Its not party or bar material though heh.
So its confession right?
A kid goes to the priest and says I threw peanuts in the mud.
Another kid comes in and says I threw peanuts in the mud.
A third kid comes in and says I threw peanuts in the mud.
A final boy comes in to and the priest says, "You threw peanuts in the mud too right?", no he says, "I am peanuts"

[Sanity Claws]

24. LOL

[JohnKleeb]

28. Glad you enjoyed it, I find it amusing

[Sanity Claws]

29. I was raised Catholic

and love these jokes. Someone else posted a Catholic joke in this thread. It was great too.

[CO Liberal]

20. My Favorite Clean Joke (somewhat long)

A priest wants to go on vacation, but there's no one to take his place. So he calls his friend the rabbi and asks him if he can fill in. The rabbi agrees, and the next Saturday after Sabbath services are over the rabbi comes to the church to learn what to do.

The priest takes the rabbi around the church showing him everything, and they end up at the confessional. The priest says "Come in with me - I'll do the first two confessions to show you how it's done, and then you can take it from there.

So they get into the center section of the confessional and slide the first panel open. They can see the outline of a woman.

Woman: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I hit my husband three times over the head with a sledge hammer."

Priest: "Put a dollar in the poor box, and pray to Mary."

The woman leaves, and the priest closes the first panel and opens the second panel. They can see the outline of another woman.

Woman: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I hit my husband three times over the head with a sledge hammer."

Priest: "Put a dollar in the poor box, and pray to Mary."

The woman leaves, and the priest closes the second panel. He asks the rabbi, "Do you see how this is done?"

Rabbi: "Yes, yes. Don't worry. You go on your vacation - have a nice time."

The priest leaves. The rabbi settles himself in and re-opens the first panel. He can see the outline of yet another woman.

Woman: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I hit my husband two times over the head with a sledge hammer."

Rabbi: "Go back and hit him again - it's three for a dollar."

:-)

[Sanity Claws]

25. That's great

[patdem]

21. Yeah, how many threads does a poster have to start to get

10,000 posts before January 14?

[bigwillq]

23. That's a great one, patdem!

:hi:

[OhioBlue]

22. Here's one I posted on another thread:

before the election...
Resident Bush* visited a classroom of 3rd graders. After his speech, he asked if the children had any questions. Billy raised his hand. He said yes, I have 3 questions....
1. Why did we invated Iraq if they posed no threat to the United States?
2. What happened to budget surplus that President Clinton left you?
3. Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

All of a sudden the school bell rang and the children went to recess before the Resident could answer. When the children came back into class, the Resident again allowed for questions. Kevin raised his hand...

Yes Mr. President, I have 5 questions..
1. Why did we invated Iraq if they posed no threat to the United States?
2. What happened to the budget surpluss that President Clinton left you?
3. Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
4. why did the bell for recess ring 10 minutes early?
5. What the Fuck happend to Billy???

[motely36]

26. Dubya and Karl Rove were sitting on a park bench one sunny afternoon...

when they noticed a dog licking himself in a very sensitive place. Dubya said, "I sure wish I could do that." To which Karl Rove replied, "Well, you'd better pet him first to see if he is friendly."