LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL holy crap LOL

[WilliamPitt]

The rock-to-the-noggin assault I absorbed on election night made it onto the local paper's police blotter:

===

A 32-year-old man was walking into his ******** Street apartment early Wednesday when he felt something hit him and then saw a menacing man approaching.

Screaming like a madman and brandishing a can of Chef Boy-R-Dee, the man charged his assailant, who smartly fled before taking the canned ravioli off the head.

Not only is Chef Boy-R-Dee an excellent weapon of self-defense, but it makes quite a tasty snack after working up an appetite saving your life.

===

I found out it was there after having a pint at my favorite pub. Me and the chef were trading stories, and I told this one, and he exclaimed, "Holy crap, I read that in the police blotter!" So I went and looked it up, and there it was.

Classic. :)

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read:

As I was sliding my key into the back door of my apartment building, a young man emerged silently from the bushes behind me. I turned the key, and suddenly it felt like my head had exploded. The man from the bushes had thrown what was later revealed to be a large, 20 lb. cobblestone at me. It bounced off my shoulder, blasted into my jaw, and dropped heavily at my feet.

I reeled into the door but didn't fall. The fellow, assuming that anyone struck with a 20 lb. rock was ripe for the picking, started to come at me. I turned, and in a moment of truly dumb Braveheart macho testosterone rage, charged the guy. He stepped back in surprise, and then turned to flee. I pursued him down the street, brandishing the can of ravioli over my head while screaming unkind comments about his inappropriate sexual relationship with his mother, until my jaw reminded me that it might be broken.

After the cops and the EMTs and the x-rays were finished with me, the diagnosis was that nothing was broken or loose. My face is pretty torn up, but I should be able to chew solid food in a couple of days with the help of the Ibuprofen/Percocet cocktail the folks in the emergency room were kind enough to give me. As for the guy who threw the rock, I have no idea where he came from or what he was about. There are a few junkies wandering my neighborhood, so I assume this was an attempted mugging...possibly the first mugging in American history to be thwarted by a thick skull and a can of Chef Boy-Are-Dee.

http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/110504A.shtml

[silverweb]

1. How are your face and head doing?

All better, I hope?

:)

[WilliamPitt]

4. All better

'Screaming like a madman' musta helped. :)

[Jack Schitt]

2. Are you alright?

Did they ever catch the guy?

[WilliamPitt]

6. I'm fine

Just giggling now.

[Occulus]

9. you ought to make the chef can your avatar for a few weeks

You know, just in homage to his saving your life and all. ;)

[WilliamPitt]

10. Me and the Chef have an arrangement

He won't clog my arteries and kill me, and I won't worry about same. Works for me. :)

[Gardeaux08]

12. I love the chef.

Quick and easy. But if you ever find yourself in NE Pennsylvania, I would be honored to prepare my old family ravioli recipe for you. ;)

[WilliamPitt]

14. I'm writin' that down

Mmmmmmmmm... :)

[Gardeaux08]

17. Anytime!

Maybe we can have a DU potluck. LOL!

[Sannum]

3. LOL--I hope that you are better!--What a story!

You are a local celebrity!

[eleonora]

5. omg, that's some funny shit LOL

[NV Whino]

7. Smartly fled?

Good God, Will, teach him how to write.

How are you, by the way. And how was the Chef Boy-R-Dee?

And don't you people on the right coast ever go to bed?

[WilliamPitt]

8. Feh...police blotters

I'm fine, and sleep is for the weak (and the sober). :)

[sandnsea]

16. It was a good write up

All in all. Vivid, funny, memorable. And short, isn't there something in writing about saying what you've got to say in the least amount of words.

Glad you're doing okay.

[Droopy]

11. The assailant probably thought

you were going to force feed him that canned ravioli. ;)

I hope you are feeling better. Your story will keep me on my toes when I'm out late at night.

[Baja Margie]

13. Wow, gee , bummer

hope you are okay. Maybe the guy was a freeper, bent on revenge from something you wrote. Jeez. Sorry.

[DemBones DemBones]

15. Will, you've got to send the clipping to Chef BoyArDee

(but look at a can first and see how to spell it, LOL! I think the paper and you and I all have it wrong but I have none in the pantry to check .)

You might get an endorsement deal out of this, become a star in a bizarre tv commercial with rap soundtrack, or at least get sent a case of Spaghetti-Os or a coupon or two.

Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose! I know you can write them an entertaining letter that will get their attention.

Imagine your poor attacker -- does he dare tell anyone he was chased by a man wielding a can of pasta and very thin sauce?

:7

[miss_kitty]

18. Hey!

"Thank goodness for ChefBoyArDee"-gives a whole new meaning to their insipid theme song

:evilgrin:

[nickgutierrez]

19. It's not nearly as good a story without the can of Chef Boyardee.

...the man charged his assailant, who wisely fled before taking the canned ravioli off the head.

I doubt it's the first time, but I would imagine the number of robbery attempts foiled by a can of Chef Boyardee would probably be in the low single digits.

:)

[leftofthedial]

20. gotta love the chef boy-r-dee

beats the hell out of dinty moore

[REP]

21. Big Town with a Chatty Police Blotter

From the same day you got clobbered:

 A 74-year-old gent met two ladies in their 30s Tuesday morning and invited them up to his place on Washington Street where things went so swimmingly that the old buck was soon having sex with one of the women.

     But while the geriatric stud was in the throes of ecstasy, the other lady swiped $240 from his pants pocket.

     The victimized Romeo reported the theft to police, but at his age he had to know you end up paying for it one way or the other

[WilliamPitt]

22. Ouch