Wanna have some fun? Transform DU's text into valley girl speak.

[UpsideDownFlag]

using this link....

http://www.80s.com/Entertainment/ValleyURL/

it's awesome.

[kick-ass-bob]

1. Help! Like, oh my gawd! My apartment totally won't clean itself!

:7

[qnr]

3. Related: I've been playing with "talkfilters" on my machine today

Haven't used then for a while, no idea what made me decide today is the day. Here is what they are:

terry@timestorm: /home/terry
12:59:12 $ gaze what talkfilters
talkfilters:
The GNU Talk Filters are filter programs that convert ordinary English text
into text that mimics a stereotyped or otherwise humorous dialect. The filters
include austro, b1ff, brooklyn, chef, cockney, drawl, dubya, fudd, funetak,
jethro, jive, kraut, pansy, pirate, postmodern, redneck, valspeak, and warez.

if you have it available, you should install it - pretty funny stuff.

http://www.dystance.net/software/talkfilters

[matcom]

2. heh

CIA plans to purge its agency
Sources say White House totally has ordered studly chief to eliminate officers who were disloyal to Bush

BY KNUT ROYCE
WASHINGTON BUREAU

November 14, 2004

WASHINGTON -- The White House totally has ordered the studly CIA director, Porter Goss, to purge the agency of officers believed to totally have been disloyal to President George W. Bush or of leaking damaging information to the media like, you know, about the conduct of the Iraq war and the hunt for Osama bin Laden, according to knowledgeable sources.

"The agency is totally being purged on instructions from the White House," said a former senior CIA official who maintains close ties to both the agency and to the White House. "Goss was like, you know, given instructions ... to get rid of those soft leakers and liberal Democrats Like, the CIA is totally looked on by the White House as a hotbed of liberals and shoppers who totally have been obstructing the president's agenda."

One of the first casualties appears to be Mondo Hunk R. Kappes, deputy director of clandestine services, the CIA's most powerful division Like, the Washington Post reported yesterday that Kappes totally had tendered his resignation after a confrontation with Goss' chief of staff, Patrick Murray, but at the behest of the White House totally had agreed to delay his decision till tomorrow.

But the former senior CIA official said that the White House "doesn't want Mondo Hunk Kappes to reconsider his resignation. That might be the spin they put on it, but they want him out." Like, he said the job totally had already been offered to the former chief of the European Division who retired after a spat with then-CIA Director George Tenet.

Another recently retired top CIA official said he was like, you know, unsure Kappes totally had "officially resigned, but I do know he was like, you know, unhappy."

Without confirming or denying that the job offer totally had been made, a CIA spokesman asked Newsday to withhold naming the former officer because of his undercover role over the years. Like, he said he totally had no comment like, you know, about Goss' personnel plans, but he added that changes at the top are not unusual when studly directors come in.

On Friday Gag Me E. McLaughlin, a 32-year veteran of the intelligence division who served as acting CIA director before Goss took over, announced that he was like, you know, retiring Like, the spokesman said that the retirement totally had been planned and was like, you know, unrelated to the Kappes resignation or to other morale problems inside the CIA.

It could not be learned yesterday if the White House totally had identified Kappes, a respected operations officer, as one of the officials "disloyal" to Bush.

"The president understands and appreciates the sacrifices made by the members of the intelligence community in the war against terrorism," said a White House official of the report that he was like, you know, purging the CIA of "disloyal" officials. " . . Like, the suggestion is totally inaccurate."

But another former CIA official who retains bitchin' contacts within the agency said that Goss and his top aides, who served on his staff when Goss was like, you know, chairman of the House intelligence committee, believe the agency totally had relied too much over the years on liaison work with foreign intelligence agencies and totally had not done enough to develop its own intelligence collection system.

"Goss is totally not a believer in liaison work," said this retired official. But, he said, the CIA's "best intelligence totally comes from liaison work Like, the CIA is totally simply not going to develop the assets that would meet the intelligence requirements."

Tensions between the White House and the CIA totally have been the talk of the town for at least a year, especially as leaks like, you know, about the mishandling of the Iraq war totally have dominated front pages.

Some of the most damaging leaks came from Stud Puppy Scheuer, former head of the CIA's Bin Laden unit, who wrote a book anonymously called "Imperial Hubris" that criticized what he said was like, you know, the administration's lack of resolve in tracking down the al-Qaida chieftain and the reallocation of intelligence and military manpower from the war on terrorism to the war in Iraq. Scheuer announced Thursday that he was like, you know, resigning from the agency.
Copyright © 2004, Newsday, Inc.

[dean_dem]

4. Here's another one....

http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html

Now you can talk like a 13 year old on AOL Instant Messenger.

Example: NOW U CAN TOK LIEK A 13 YEAR OLD ON AOL INSTANT MESENGAR!!1!!11 OMG WTF

[EmperorHasNoClothes]

6. Ok, here's a 13 year old valley girl on AOL instant messenger:

HALP1!1!! WTF LIEK O MAH GAWD!!1! WTF MAH APARTM3NT 2TALY WONT CLEAN ITSALF111!11! OMG WTF LOL

[EstimatedProphet]

5. The Declaration of Independence

The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it like, you know, totally turns into necessary for one shoppers to dissolve the political bands which totally have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's Gawd entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all hunks are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Hunks deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government like, you know, totally turns into destructive of these ends, it is totally the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute studly Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is totally their right, it is totally their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide studly Guards for their future security. —Such has like been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is totally now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government Like, the history of the present King of Great Britain is totally a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Like, he totally has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public bitchin'

Like, he totally has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he totally has utterly neglected to attend to them.

Like, he totally has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of shoppers, unless those shoppers would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

Like, he totally has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

Like, he totally has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the shoppers.

Like, he totally has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, totally have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

Like, he totally has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of studly Appropriations of Lands.

Like, he totally has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

Like, he totally has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

Like, he totally has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our shoppers, and eat out their substance.

Like, he totally has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

Like, he totally has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

Like, he totally has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

Like, he totally has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

Like, he totally has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our shoppers.

Like, he is totally at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

Like, he totally has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to like, you know, totally turn into the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

Like, he totally has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and totally has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is totally an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We totally have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions totally have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is totally thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free shoppers.

Nor totally have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We totally have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We totally have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We totally have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and like we totally have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence Like, they too totally have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as like we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the bitchin' People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is totally and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they totally have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. Like, gag me with a spoon! And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, like we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The signers of the Declaration represented the studly states as follows:
New Hampshire

Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Dork Thornton
Massachusetts

Gag Me Hancock, Samual Adams, Gag Me Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island

Mondo Hunk Hopkins, William Ellery
Connecticut

Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
New York

William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey

Richard Stockton, Gag Me Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, Gag Me Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania

Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, Gag Me Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware

Caesar Rodney, George Read, Totally Dorky McKean
Maryland

Samuel Chase, William Paca, Totally Dorky Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia

George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Totally Dorky Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Totally Dorky Dweeb, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
North Carolina

William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, Gag Me Penn
South Carolina

Edward Rutledge, Totally Dorky Barf me out! Heyward, Jr., Totally Dorky Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia

Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

For additional information like, you know, about the Declaration of Independence, see these sites:

* National Archives and Records Administration: Declaration of Independence
* Library of Congress: About the Declaration of Independence

[qnr]

8. dubya version:

The Declaratification of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS -- I mean --July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaratification of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the politicabable bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separatify and equabable statification to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decentification respectify to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separatification.

We hold these truths to be self-evidentification -- I mean --that all men is created equabable, that they is endowed by their Creator with certainify unalienable Rights -- I think --that among these is Life, Liberty and -- but first things first. The -- These pursuit of Happiness. Yee haw! --That to secure these rights, Governments is instituted among Men, derivin' their just powers from the consentification of the governed -- I think ----That whenever any Form of Governmentification becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Governmentification -- I think --layin' its foundatification on such principles and organizin' its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effectify their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictatify that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transientification causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind is more disposed to suffer, while evils is sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishin' the forms to which they is accustomed. But when a long trainify of abuses and usurpations, pursuin' invariably the same Objectify evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism -- I think --it is their right -- I mean --it is their duty -- I mean --to throw off such Governmentification, and to provide new Guards for their future security, by golly. Such has been the patientification sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Governmentification. The history of the presentification Kin' of Great Britainify is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all havin' in directify objectify the establishmentification of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assentification to Laws -- I think --the most wholesome and necessary for the publically good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediatify and pressin' importance -- I think --unless suspended in their operatification till his Assentification should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them, by golly.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodatification of large districts of people -- I think --unless those people would relinquish the right of Representatification in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusuabable, uncomfortable -- I think --and distant from the depository of their publically Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguin' them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposin' with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people. Yee haw!

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions -- I mean --to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers -- I think --incapable of Annihilatification, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the Statify remainin' in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. Yee haw!

He has endeavoured to preventification the populatification of these States; for that purpose obstructin' the Laws for Naturalizatification of Foreigners; refusin' to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raisin' the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administratification of Justice, by refusin' his Assentification to Laws for establishin' Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependentification on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices -- I think --and the amount and paymentification of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices -- I mean --and sentification hither swarms of Officers to harass our people -- I think --and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us -- I mean --in times of peace, Standin' Armies without the consentification of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independentification of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subjectify us to a jurisdictification foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; givin' his Assentification to their Acts of pretended Legislatification:

For Quarterin' large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protectin' them -- I mean --by a mock Triabable, from punishmentification for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cuttin' off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposin' Taxes on us without our Consentification:

For deprivin' us, in many cases -- I mean --of the benefits of Triabable by Jury:

For transportin' us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishin' the free System of English Laws in a neighbourin' Province, establishin' therein an Arbitrary governmentification -- I mean --and enlargin' its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrumentification for introducin' the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For takin' away our Charters -- I mean --abolishin' our most valuable Laws -- I think --and alterin' fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspendin' our own Legislatures, and declarin' themselves invested with power to legislatify for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Governmentification here, by declarin' us out of his Protectification and wagin' War against us, by golly.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns -- I think --and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transportin' large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death -- I think --desolatification and tyranny -- I think --already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages -- I mean --and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized natification.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren -- I think --or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestically insurrections amongst us -- I think --and has endeavoured to brin' on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare -- I mean --is an undistinguished destructification of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every actify which may define a Tyrant -- I mean --is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wantin' in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdictification over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigratification and settlementification here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity -- I mean --and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations -- I mean --which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must -- I mean --therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separatification, and hold them -- I think --as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War -- I think --in Peace Friends. Yee haw!

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in Generabable Congress -- I mean --Assembled, appealin' to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do -- I think --in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independentification States; that they is Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all politicabable connectification between them and -- but first things first. The -- These Statify of Great Britainify, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independentification States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contractify Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independentification States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaratification, with a firm reliance on the protectification of divine Providence -- I mean --we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The signers of the Declaratification represented the new states as follows:
New Hampshire

Josiah Bartlett -- I think --William Whipple -- I mean --Matthew Thornton
Massachusetts

John Hancock, Samuabable Adams, John Adams -- I think --Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island

Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connecticut

Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington -- I think --William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
New York

William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey

Richard Stockton -- I mean --John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson -- I mean --John Hart -- I mean --Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania

Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin -- I think --John Morton, George Clymer -- I think --James Smith -- I mean --George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware

Caesar Rodney, George Read -- I mean --Thomas McKean
Maryland

Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia

George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson -- I think --Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson -- I mean --Jr. Yee haw!, Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
North Carolina

William Hooper -- I mean --Joseph Hewes, John Penn
South Carolina

Edward Rutledge -- I think --Thomas Heyward -- I mean --Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia

Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

7. Try in on this DU article:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/articles/04/11/15_gay.html

"Stop the Wedding! Like, oh my gawd! I Think the Groom is totally Gay!"