Post a dumb joke. Anything you've got.

[blondeatlast]

I can't remember a joke to save my life, so help me out.

All I know are elephant jokes, since I have a 7 year old.

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says, "Why the long face?"


God help me I still laugh hysterically over this. :hi:

[Lerkfish]

8. A man finds a talking dog...

A man finds a talking dog. Overjoyed, the man decides to make money off the dog.
While walking to a bar, the man muses: you're going to make me a lot of money!

The dog says: ok, just trust me.
Man: what do I do?
Dog: walk into the bar and tell everyone you bet them 20 bucks I can talk.
The man agrees....they enter the bar.

Man to crowd: I bet everyone here 20 dollars I have a talking dog...
Man to dog: Okay, say something...
Dog: woof!
Man: No, say something they can understand...
Dog: ruff!

10 minutes later, after being thrown out on the sidewalk, the man turns to the dog and says: What did you do that for? I trusted you. Why didn't you talk?
Dog: idiot! imagine the odds we'll get tomorrow.

[signmike]

60. Another man, another dog

A man takes his talking dog into a bar. For a drink he points straight up and asks the dog "What's that up there?" the dog says "Roof!"

Everybody in the bar groans, the bartender says he's going to throw them out, but the man says, "No, no -- we can do better. Give me another drink."

Then he asks the dog, "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog answers "Ruth!" So the bartender throws them both out into the street. There they are sitting, looking dejected, when the dog looks up at the man, shrugs and says "DiMaggio?"

[blondeatlast]

12. Hey, the classics are ALWAYS the finest! nt

[motely36]

2. Ask me if I'm a tree

[qnr]

4. Are you a tree?

[motely36]

6. NO!!!!

I don't know why that makes me laugh

[blondeatlast]

13. It worked for me, too! nt

[Lerkfish]

3. a joke on my repuke neighbor...

before the election, my repuke neighbor told me this joke:

"Does the white house have enough bathrooms? A: of course they do, they don't need two more Johns"

Today I saw him and told him:

I have an answer to your joke:

Does the white house need two more Johns? A: Apparently, because the giant turd is still there.

[blondeatlast]

14. ROFLMAO!

And soon on my e-mail list, too.

[UrbScotty]

48. WOW! LOL! That one made my day!

:D

[InternalDialogue]

5. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You 'neak up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way -- you 'neak up on it!

[flygal]

7. A bear walks into a bar....

and says, "I'd like a beer.......................................and some peanuts" and the bartender says, "ok, but why the long pause" (paws - GET IT!!) this is funny shit when you're drunk!

[InternalDialogue]

9. A gorilla walks into a malt shop.

The man behind the counter can't believe he's got a gorilla in his shop, but he decides to play it cool.

"What'll you have?"

The gorilla orders a chocolate malt.

The shop owner can't believe he's got a talking gorilla ordering a malt in his shop. But he figures, "What does a gorilla know?" He makes the malt and gives it to the gorilla, then says, "That'll be twenty dollars."

The gorilla pays and starts drinking the malt.

The man behind the counter figures he's never going to see another gorilla ordering a malt, so he decides to talk to him.

"So, I don't get many gorillas in here ordering malts."

The gorilla answers, "It's no wonder, at these prices."

[blondeatlast]

15. I remember it as a kangaroo and a martini, but the classics always

need an update!

[clydefrand]

10. Cowboy joke...not *

"COWBOY"

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three bottles of beer and
sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a bottle goes flat
after I open it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The
cowboy replies, "Well, you see... I have two brothers. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas! When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank
together so I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The
cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
Orders three beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two bottles. All the "regulars"
take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy
looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he chuckles,
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church in Longview and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though... "

[blondeatlast]

16. LOL! nt

[Blue_State_Elitist]

11. What were the two hardest years of *'s life?

the 2nd grade.

[blondeatlast]

17. Not anymore, I hope...

:evilgrin:

[mdmc]

19. knock, knock

[motely36]

20. who's there

[mdmc]

23. scott

[mdmc]

33. scott who?

'scott to be some better jokes out there!

from phc joke show

[Kali]

18. since we seem to be leaning towards animals

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary.
> As she laid her
> pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
> and listened to the
> bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook
> his head sadly and said,
> "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
>
> The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I
> am sure. The duck
> is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she
> protested. "I mean,
> you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
> might just be in a
> coma or something."
>
> The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
> room, and
> returned a few moments later with a brown Labrador
> Retriever. As the duck's owner
> looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
> legs, put his front
> paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
> from top to bottom. He
> then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
> head. The vet patted the
> dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
> later with a beautiful
> cat.
>
> The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
> delicately at the
> bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
> head, meowed softly and
> strolled out of the room.
>
> The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
> but as I said,
> this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
> duck." Then the vet turned
> to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
> produced a bill, which he handed
> to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took
> the bill. "$150!!!"
> she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead???"
>
> The vet shrugged. I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word
> for it, the bill
> would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
> Cat Scan, it went up
> considerably
>
>

[blondeatlast]

21. LOL! nt

[Dzimbowicz]

22. What did the fish say when it bumped its head?

Dam!

[ironflange]

24. Whad did the man say when his cat was run over by a steamroller?

Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.

[neebob]

25. As it happens, I heard a dumb joke about an hour ago

I went to my little corner store, and as I was being checked out, this guy walked in and asked for change for a paper. So I'm standing there, and the change says to the owner (who's ringing up my stuff), "So, Mac - do you know why you should always take two Baptists fishing instead of one?" Blank stare from Mac.

"Because one of them will drink all the beer." Nuther blank stare from Mac.

Me, I think somebody already drank all the beer. But if you get it, feel free to laugh.

[signmike]

34. Blame

They will each claim it was the other one

[neebob]

36. Oh!

The guy who told the joke didn't seem to know that.

[EstimatedProphet]

50. See...Baptists won't admit to drinking...

see...if you bring 2...
they'll know each other as baptists...
then each one will avoid drinking...
Because they don't want word to get out...
see...

:)

[petronius]

53. That sort of goes along with this one:

What's the difference between religions in the US?
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah,
Protestants don't recognize the Pope,
and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

[signmike]

55. Hey --

Do ya know why Baptists don't have sex standing up?

'Cause that's the sort of thing that leads to dancing.

[Atlas Mugged]

26. Q. What's red & white and goes, "Put-put-put"?

A. An outboard radish.

[LiberteToujours]

27. What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

[vinnievin777]

28. Never put your cat in the washer

Because you might get a sock in the puss.

Vinnie Vin
http://www.vinnievin.com

[NYC Liberal]

29. Ooooh, I got one!

President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case of constipation. He sends his Spanish secretary, who knows little English, to the local hospital. She tells the doctor, "Big President Bush, no shit."

The doctor understands and gives him some medicine to take with him.

The next day, the secretary comes back again and says, "Big President, no shit."

The doctor gives him even stronger medicine. A few days later, the secretary comes yet again and says, "Big President, big no shit."

The doctor gives him the strongest medicine he has.

The next day, the secretary comes back to the doctor and says, "Ba-Boom! Big shit, no President."

:evilgrin:

[BlueStateGirl]

30. What do you get when you cross ans elephant and a Rhino?

Elephino.

[vinnievin777]

31. Top ten things that deserve to get you smacked during spring break

Top 10 things that deserve to get you smacked during spring break:

1) If you say what happens in cancun stays in cancun.
2) If you say "I was so drunk was she/he ugly?"
3) If you "forgot" to bring the beer.
4) If you sing "Its getting hot in here Im taking off my clothes"
5) If you say "Jaimaca no problem" to the guy at the desk.
6) If you are so drunk you leave your car on all night.
7) If you forget whose number goes with who's name.
8) If you say aight to anyone.
9) If you take a shower and then puke on yourself.
10) If you say what haaapens in panama city (giggle giggle) stays in panama city (giggle giggle)





Vinnie Vin
http://www.vinnievin.com

[pdx_prog]

32. Where does Dragon Milk come from?

Short legged cows...

[indigobusiness]

35. If this doesn't make you laugh out loud...

you might as well hang it up.

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/topdui.html

[LiberteToujours]

40. Is that staged??

rofl!

[indigobusiness]

41. It's

from Reno 911. I played it before I realized that and it plumb flummoxed me.

[signmike]

37. What did the ocean say

What did the ocean say to the airplane?


Nothing. It just waved.

[Bertha Venation]

38. String.

A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender glares at him for a minute, then says, "YOU'RE STRING. We don't SERVE your kind in here. GET OUT!"

Too depressed to be mad, the string walks out. On the sidewalk he runs into a string buddy and tells him the tale. His buddy tells him, "Check this out. Here's all you need to do..." The buddy jumps up and performs some improbable contortions, then picks himself apart at the ends, and says, "watch this!"

He saunters into the bar as the first string looks on from the doorway. He goes up to the bartender, cool as a cucumber, and asks for a beer. The bartender stares at him for a minute, confused, then growls, "Uh, aren't you STRING?!"

The string looks him straight in the eye and says, "'Fraid not."

[qnr]

59. heheh

"frayed" though :)

[Bertha Venation]

62. yeah... * 'fraid not * --or-- * frayed knot *

[Buddyblazon]

39. Hear about the guy with 5 dicks?

His rubber fit like a glove.

Thank you...I'll be here all week.

[CornField]

42. Why don't rethugs sunbathe?

Cats keep covering them up with sand.

[bettyellen]

43. man and his talking dog named peabody walk into a bar........

and his dog jumps up on the barstool, while the owner runs to hit the head.
peabody the dog oders a dry martini with two olives. shocked and amused, the bartender suddenly has an idea.
"hey, peabody, would you take this $20 and run across to joes. after he serves you a martini, just spit it out and call it swill. just for fun."
peabody replies, "done, good sir" grabs the twenty dollars and runs off.
a moment later his owner comes out, freaked that his valuable dog has disappeared.
the bartender explains the gag, so the owner runs to catch peabody at the pub across the street.
he only has to go as far as the gutter, and there's peabody humping away on some tarted up poodle.
his ownwer is shocked, says "peabody, i'm shocked... i have never seen you behave this way before"
peabody look over his shoulder, still going at it and explains, " well, i never had twenty dollars before.

[helnwhls]

44. how do you make a kleenex dance

put a little boogie in it

[BlueJazz]

45. Who is "Super-Chicken's" alter-ego??

Cluck Kent

[LDS Jock]

46. why can't Helen Keller have kids?

She's dead. Yes, its a kid joke.

[FeelinGarfunkelly]

86. Reminds me of another Helen Keller joke

How do you keep Helen Keller busy for hours?
Take her to a stucco wall and tell her to read it.

Cruel, incredibly. Funny, incredibly (I'm sick, yes)

[jdots]

47. George Bush

[LDS Jock]

49. why don't baptists believe in pre-marital sex?

they are afraid it might lead to dancing

[DiverDave]

51. A HHHavaad joke.

A young man from Georgia enrolled at Harvard.
On his first day there he was walking around to find his classrooms.
He saw a preppy looking guy walking towards him, you know, the dockers and izod shirt with a sweater tied around his neck.
The young man stops him and asks
"Excuse me, could you tell me where the library is at?"
The preppy guy says, with his nose in the air
"Here at haaavaaad we never end a sentence with a preposition"
The young man says
"I do apologize. Could you tell me where the library is at, asshole"

badda-boom

[signmike]

58. a Preposition

A preposition is a thing we ain't supposed to end a sentence with.

[warrens]

65. Stolen from Prairie Home companion

A young guy pulls up to the express checkout in a Cambridge supermarket with a cart FULL of food.

The cashier looks at him and says, I just KNOW you either go to M.I.T. or Harvard. AMAZING, the guy says, how did you know that?

Pointing to the 10 Items or Less sign, she says, "Either you go to M.I.T., where no one can read, or to Harvard, where no one can count."

[DiverDave]

52. Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

because he had a chicken stapled to his forehead.

Dated, I know, but I still laugh at it.

[vinnievin777]

54. Neil, Jeb and George are three brothers walking through a graveyard

Jeb- OH Good old Hotchkins says he lived till the ripe age of 90 God Bless his soul

Neil -Check this out Joe Smith lived to 101

George -That's nothing this guy lived till 110

Jeb-Who's that George?


George- Miles from Austin.



Vinnie Vin
http://www.vinnievin.com

[jus_the_facts]

56. What's silent and smells like worms......

.....BIRD FARTS! :D

[arwalden]

57. Three Blondes Walk Into A Bank

You'd think that at least ONE of them would have seen it!

[MissMarple]

61. How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Hmmm....gee,


It depends on what you want to change it into.

I never remember jokes either, except the cherry tree jokes, and a random one about a duck going into a bar. :D

[Skittles]

63. OK

Father walks by his son's room and says SON, IF YOU DON'T STOP DOING THAT YOU'LL GO BLIND. Son replies HEY DAD! I'M OVER HERE!

[signmike]

74. LOL !

I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese - I really think so...

[CO Liberal]

64. What's Brown and Sticky?

A stick.

:-)

[signmike]

75. Sticks Float

They wood

[Jeff in Cincinnati]

66. So this guy buys a talking parrot...

only when he gets home he finds out that the parrot's vocabulary is limited to what one normally hears at a biker bar or down at the local wharf. It's a foul-mouthed parrot, and his obscene tirades happen in front of the guy's wife, his kids, his mother. Everybody.

Finally the guy can't stand it any longer and he grabs the parrot in mid-rant and tosses it into the freezer and slams the door shut. From inside he can here a blood-curdling stream of expletives. Until they abrutly stop. Then there's a gentle rapping at the inside of the freezer door.

The guy opens the freezer and the parrot pokes his head out and says, "If I've said or done anything to give offense to you or your lovely family, please accept my sincerest apologies."

"OK," the guy says. "We'll let bygones be bygones."

"Excellent," the parrot says, then adds, "Now if you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

[stlchic]

67. An atom walks into a bar...

and tells the bartender "Give me the strongest thing you got - I've had an awful day."

Bartender says, "Gee, what's the matter?" The atom sighs and says "I've lost an electron." The bartender says "Are you sure?"

The atom says "Yep - I'm positive."

[stlchic]

68. A priest, a rabbi, and a baptist minister walk into a bar...

and the bartender looks up and says, "Hey, is this a joke?"

[democracyindanger]

69. A dog bites a blind man

so the blind man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dog biscuit. As he's bending down to feed the dog the biscuit, a bystander who saw the whole thing says to the blind guy, "Your kindness is amazing. That dog bites you and you offer it a treat."

The blind guy says, "No, idiot. I just want to know exactly where his ass is when I kick it."

[pdx_prog]

70. From PHC

a bi-polar joke.

A bi-polar patient goes on vacation and sends her shrink a postcard:

Having a wonderful time!
Wish I were dead...

[On the Road]

71. Why Do Chicken Coops Have Two Doors?

If they had four, they'd be chicken sedans.


How did the Marine hurt himself raking leaves?
Her fell out of the tree.

[southernlad]

72. These are all so funny. I can't stop laughing.

Wish I knew how to tell a good joke.

[blondeatlast]

83. That's why I posted this thread, I can't tell a joke either! nt

[signmike]

73. 3 Ex Wives

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly
discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again".

"My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and
my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[LuCifer]

76. How did W have his right index finger broken?

Laura smacked him in the nose!!!

And I posted this on HowardStern.com so be warned!

There was a little bird,
Who shit a little turd,
On top of the telephone pole,
He streched out his neck,
Then he shit another peck,
And then buttoned up his little asshole!

and one more!

Hello Mother,
Hello Father,
Things are good here,
At Camp Marijuana!
Pot is good here,
but crackrock's better!
I'm so fucked up I can hardly write this letter!!!

still one more!

Cherokee cheif walks into a bar with a shotgun, while carrying a bucket of cow shit and a dead cat. He puts the dead feline and the buckets of crap on the counter, orders 10 shots glasses of 100 proof vokda, then proceeds to down them one after another 'til they are all GONE! He then takes the dead cat, bites a huge chunk out of it's neck, chews it and swallows is all in one gulp. He then takes his shotgun, cocks it, and shoots the bucket of doodoo, splattering it onto almost every last inch of the bar. The bartender says "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT!" The cheif says "Cuz I want to be like white man: get drunk, shoot shit and eat pussy!"

[NoPasaran]

77. I told Jenna she needs to watch her drinking

So now she stands in front of a mirror

[Patiod]

78. What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam

Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam

---------------------

A man steps outside his house and finds a penguin on his doorstep. He sees the postman, and say "hey, what do you think I should I do about this penguin?" The postman suggests he takes the animal to the zoo.

So the next day, the postman comes by, and sees the guy, still with the penguin. "I thought you were going to bring that penguin to the zoo," he said. "I did. Today we're going to see a ball game!"

[northzax]

79. a Californian, a Kentuckian and an Oregonian are out riding.

all of a sudden, the Kentuckian takes outa bottle of bourbon, takes a swig, throws it in the air and shoots the bottle. Amazed, the Californian asks "why the hell did you just do that?" the Kentuckian responds "eh, where I come from, we have plenty of bourbon." Not to be outdoen, the Californian takes out a nice bottle of Merlot, takes a swig, throws it in the air and shoots it twice. When asked why, he says" Eh, where I come from we have plenty of that stuff." Soon, the Oregonian takes out a bottle of microbrew, takes a drink, throws it in the air, shoots the Californian three times and catches the bottle. In response to the inevitable question, "ah, where I come from we've got plenty of californians, and that bottle's worth a nickle."

ba dum dum.

[signmike]

87. In an airplane

An Englishman, A Frenchman, A Mexican and a Texan are passengers in a rickety old cargo plane. The plane develops serious engine trouble and the pilot tells his hapless passengers they have to get rid of about 500 lbs of extra weight. 3 of them will have to go. The Englishman calmly walks to the door with his umbrella, says "God save the queen", and steps out. Not to be outdone, the Frenchman quickly strolls to the door, shrugs, and passionately declares "Vive La France!", and out he goes.
The Texan yells "Remember the Alamo!" and throws out the Mexican.

[northzax]

80. what's worse than a sick cat on your piano?

a diseased beaver on your organ.

[Glenda]

81. A Texas man...

"I voted for bush cos he's against men marrying other men
it's against the laws of nature
and my mom, my sister, my niece, my cousin
she agrees too"

[Padraig18]

82. Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.

:P

[KFC]

84. What is Irish and Sits on the Porch?

Patio Furniture

[achtung_circus]

85. With apologies, don't flame me.

So the old cowpoke sashays into Amarillo for his annual visit to the big city. He spends his time there sitting in the bar drinking beer, slowly.

A tour bus from New York pulls in. A couple walk in, festooned with digital cameras, sees the old boy and walk up and asks him "are you a real cowboy?" Well, Lucius, he ponders this for a spell and gazes up and says "yup".

A tour bus from San Francisco pulls in. A short-haired woman strides in, sees Lucius sipping his beer and walks over. She asks him "are you a real cowboy?" Lucius thinks on this for a spell and replies, "yup, I spend my days ropin' calves, brandin' calves, ridin' my ole horse Buckskin on the range.

The woman replies "well, I'm a lesbian. I spend all my time thinking about women, I love to kiss women, I love to sleep with women, I can't stop thinking about women."

A third tour bus pulls in, a couple walks in, sees our friend Lucius, walks over, lost in their appreciation for the heartland experience. They ask Lucius "are you a cowboy?"

Lucius thinks long and hard and says "well I always thought I was, but it turns out I'm a lesbian".

[signmike]

88. High Roller

A high roller cruises into a small town in his Cadillac, pulls up in front of the general store to buy himself a cold soda. There are a couple of locals hanging around on the stoop, whittlin', chawin', and Mr. Caddy feels the need to brag a little. He indicates the big car and says "Yeah - back home, on my spread, when I ride fence in Ol' Lulabelle, there - why it takes all day long, just to get around one time."
JimBob spits and says, "Uh huh. I had a car like that once."