When friends turn out to be non-friends

[skygazer]

I'm kind of bummed about this and need to vent. I called a friend recently - or someone I thought was a friend. We'd shared a place for a couple of years and I thought we were pretty close. We hung out a lot together and talked a lot about personal stuff. We had a third roommate we were having some trouble with and we talked a lot about getting a different place for just the two of us. As it turned out, I met my current SO and moved in with him and my friend got a place with some others.

So anyway, I call him the other day and in the course of conversation I said, "Gee, I really miss hanging out with you" and he says something like, "well, we were just friends because we shared a place. We didn't really have anything in common."

I was so taken aback by that that I didn't really respond to it - I didn't even fully catch the implication of what he said until I hung up. But then I got angry and sad and irritated. I mean, we were close - at least I thought we were. I don't know, sometimes people just take me by surprise. Here I was feeling bad that I hadn't called him in a while and he evidently never really looked at us as anything other than people who shared the same space. :wtf:

[XanaDUer]

1. That was a sort of nasty thing for him to say.

Even if he felt it. Sorry about that. I would say, considering his response to your nice remark that you missed him, be glad you have nothing in common and were just roommates.

Some people. :eyes:

PS-a polite person would have said, "Thanks, I miss you too" and just let it go, no matter what personal feelings were.

[koopie57]

2. I think that

this person was hurt because you had not contacted him for a long time and rather than call you, he talked himself into thinking you didn't have anything in common anyway. Sort of to avoid feeling like you do now, that a friend let you down.

I say this because that is something I would do myself. I don't have much confidence in myself and was raised that "nobody likes you anyway, they just pretend to like you so they can laugh at you behind your back". So, if this person is important to you, find out what is really going on just in case. That would be my advice for better or worse :hug: .

[skygazer]

7. Except it wasn't a long time

I've been in touch regularly since we stopped being roommates. Now I wonder if he was just sick of me getting in touch. In retrospect, he never called me but I just figured that was him. Live and learn, I guess. Now I know.

[koopie57]

14. I thought about this today and you know what

a friend of my husband did the same thing to him. He never called back like he said he would, he would be short on the phone and Greg couldn't figure it out and he was very hurt. He thought will everyone is busy. One day he called him and this fu** said, "When I want to talk to you, I'll call you". Maybe your friend is just a self-centered pri**. I understand your anger when I look at it through different circumstances.

I got an idea *:evilgrin: *. The Friday before the Superbowl, have his cable turned off.

[Lefty48197]

3. He wanted to be more than just friends

and he's p.o.'d about you having a s.o. Now he's being a dick. Aren't you glad your s.o. isn't a dick?

[skygazer]

8. Nah

It was never remotely close to anything like that. He dated a couple of women when we lived together and we even talked about how our friendship had no basis in sexual attraction because people would ask us.

But, yes, he's being a dick. :)

[Joe Chi Minh]

4. Very hurtful, skygazer, to

a loving soul, but not as hurtful as, for example, marrying that character, only to find out soon *afterwards* what an extraordinarily, gratuitously and casually callous type he is.

I would take it as a kind of warning to you, to study people more. You must have been extraordinarily open and trusting (well-named, in fact).

Fine, great even, up to a point, but as a young adult presumably looking for a spouse eventually, you need to study more reflectively what "his Lordship" says (an ironic expression my wife uses, but to which I have become quite attached, strange to relate...), what value-system his attitudes reflect, how sensitive he is (without his necessarily wanting to spend his time reading Proust, Cocteau or whever), ponder where he is "coming from". There are plenty of urbane-seeming psychos and extreme sociopaths about.

Maybe you were just venting. If so, excuse my presumption.

PS: I also respect the point made by koopie, though *personally* I wouldn't pursue the matter, if I were you.

[skygazer]

6. I appreciate your kind post but

I am NOT a "young adult" nor do I need to "study people more" and I am far from "extraordinarily open and trusting".

Actually, i take that back. I don't appreciate your post at all and am rather offended that you presume to know me from one short vent.

I am 44 years old, very wise to the ways of the world, wary and not overly trusting at all. I am NOT looking for a spouse - I've had two, thank you very much and that was about two too many. If I wanted your advice on how to pick a mate, I would ask for it and then when you spouted the ridiculous, patronizing nonsense you just spouted, I'd tell you to take a flying leap.

Christ! What in hell about my OP made you think I was some sort of frail and delicate flower trembling on the cusp of life?

[XanaDUer]

9. Is that what his/her posts means?

I don't get it myself.

:shrug:

[skygazer]

12. Ya got me

I began to reply to it then re-read it and got annoyed. I'm always very careful not to presume too much from a message board post - evidently not everyone follows that.

[Joe Chi Minh]

16. Is that what his/her posts means?

Oh me! Oh my!, that one had a sting it's tail, FlibbertyChick...!

[Joe Chi Minh]

15. Sorry. I must have

caught too many of Bill Schneider's "Watch with Mother" slots on CNN. I heard a female counterpart of his on CNN this morning.

[Lavender Brown]

5. Some people are just "out of sight, out of mind"

when it comes to friendship. I know how you feel. I've had several friendships fade out like that, some of them former roommates with whom I was pretty close and wanted to stay in touch with. I hate the feeling of being incommunicado from people I used to hang out with every day.

For what it's worth, it sounds like this person might not have been a worthwhile friend anyway, since he would say something so insensitive. :hug:

[GingerSnaps]

10. I know how you are feeling

If you ever need someone to talk to PM me after my mid terms on Tuesday.
I had to put someone behind me and think of him as if he had died so that I can get past the hurt and pain of feeling like my heart has been torn out.

:hug:

[skygazer]

11. Back atcha

:grouphug: I guess I'm more surprised and flummoxed than hurt. It kind of took me from left field. Thanks. :hi:

[saracat]

13. We live in a weird world. My best friend suddenly turned on me after

10 years of friendship. She always touted loyalty and friendship and how few understood "real" friendship. She stabbed me in the back in the most hideous of ways and now has gone about her life as if nothing happened!. I also have another close friend who disappeared. She moved to another state , also after unexpetedly screwing me, she had us rent a home we used to live in to her daughter( who is an adult w/ son) promised to take care of the home , trashed it and left after selling all the furniture(my late mother in law's) and pocketing the proceeds! We had thousands of dollars in damage. But we chalked it up to the daughter. They came to visit, saw us briefly and we never heard from them again! This was a 12 year friendship. I could go on with more examples. I think something is in the drinking water. LOL! It is hurtful, but it is not you. Move on and enjoy the new friends you meet on the way. Sad to say the old roomie is not worth your time. He sounds like a user!

[Skittles]

17. forget it, skygazer

at the end of your life you will be able to count on one hand who your true friends were.