Do you feel obligated to pay for your children's college?

[Bunny]

I don't. I was raised in a blue-collar household, with six siblings. Although we always had food, clothes, and a decent home, there was not always a lot of extra money.

My parents refused to go into debt for me to go to college. Their opinion was that if I wanted to go, that was fine. But they weren't going to take on massive debt to pay for it. It was up to me to apply for any grants, scholarships, and loans I would need.

I went to a state-owned university, and made it through with about $10,000 in total loans (I graduated 24 years ago!). For the next five years, I faithfully mailed in my student loan payments each month. At this point, when I was about halfway done paying my loans, my folks told me that they were going to pay the rest of the loan off, and they did.

So they ultimately paid for about half of my college debt, they just did it after the fact, when they were in a more comfortable position to do so.

I've already told my oldest that I would not take out massive loans or mortgages to pay for her college. I'll be happy to help buy her books and other day to day expenses, but she's going to have to beg, borrow, or steal her tuition money.

And I don't feel the least bit bad about it. Is there something wrong with me? So many people really seem to agonize over this. :shrug:

Edited to add: if I was rich, this would not be a question. Of course I'd pay for their college. But since I'm not rich and not likely to become rich in the next few years, college is just not something I can comfortably afford for them.

[Catch22Dem]

1. Yes, that way she'll feel obligated to pay for my nursing home.

:evilgrin:

[Dem Agog]

2. Well, no...

I don't have kids. If I did, I wouldn't feel obligated to pay for their college. I would help them take out loans, just like my folks did for me. Teaches responsibility.

People agonize over this because in the last 20 years a lot of people have become uber-yuppie parenting nazis who are scared to blink at their children and believe that their children control them and are owed EVERYTHING just because they were birthed. Just one of the many reasons I don't want 'em.

[DBoon]

3. Will your children feel obligated to pay for your nursing home?

Are you expecting any assistance from your children in your old age? Do you think it is OK for a child to refuse to provide this assistance? After all, you had your whole life to prepare financially for this.

[Bunny]

9. I expect no help from my children in my old age.

And I think it's okay for a child to refuse to provide it.

But I think your comparison needs fleshed out a little more. If I was so poor that I was eating dog food and had no heat in my house, I think it would be nice if the kids could help out. Nice, but not necessary. College is not a necessity, food and heat are.

And yes, I've had my whole life to prepare for it, but don't forget that a significant portion of my resources and time were spent on the children, what with getting them raised and all. So perhaps this food and shelter thing ends up being an even trade? ;)

[napi21]

4. I think if you have the $$, they you should do it, but I sure don't

believe you should re-mortgage your house etc. I think it's a much better education if the student has to want it bad enough to work for it. Things that you get to easy are not appreciated.

[Deja Q]

5. As a society, shouldn't we help each other to help ourselves?

If not simply help each other to better us all?

[trotsky]

6. Scholarships made up the bulk of my higher education funding.

We did not have much money, so that plus my grades got me a lot of help. The rest I made up by working and I did take out a small loan ($4000) to cover my senior year since I went abroad for a semester.

Mom & Dad chipped in a little here and there - maybe a $20 when they came to visit, or they would take me grocery shopping. But I did everything else myself.

That being said, when my kids are ready for college it might just a couple hundred thousand dollars so who knows.

[helnwhls]

7. I feel ya

My brother got his education paid for, cause of his penis and all. Me and my vuvla didn't need no book learnin'. Jeez, still angry about that. Luckily, I had the grades and patience to apply for every bit of aid that I could. We both have degrees, but my brother still expects the world to wipe his ass.

Paying my way made me work hard in classes, cause I knew the cost of every credit hour.

[HuckleB]

8. Yes, I do, in this day and age.

I know some folks can't, and I hold nothing against them. However, if it's in one's means, I look at it as a current responsibility of parenting. Sure, I got through a state college on scholarships, grants, food and some food money from my folks and jobs along the way. I left with no loans in 1992. Still, that wouldn't be the case today. Costs have skyrocketed, and look to continue in that direction. Anything that we can do to help our kids get a college education, we will do. It's just that a college education is much like a high school diploma was when my folks graduated in 1957. It's difficult to get by without one. We're choosing to have kids, and we will likely have the means to help them go to college, therefore I think that it's our responsibility to help them get through.

That is all.

[Maple]

10. Yes, absolutely

Until your children are able to function on their own in today's society, and that now means a college education, your obligation to them is not over.

Otherwise you are sending your children out into the world unprepared for life in the 21st century.

Would your parents have sent you out into society, and felt their obligation over with, if you had only elementary school?

[Bunny]

12. Well, we all managed to graduate at least from high school.

In fact, I'm the only one of the seven kids to have a college degree. And we've all turned out okay.

[Maple]

16. That was then

this is now.

High school just won't do it anymore.

A degree is a basic requirement...not a luxury anymore.

[Alleycat]

11. Her grants and loans

are directly propotional to your assets aren't they? Some friends of mine who have a son who started college this year said that when he applied for grants and such all assets such as house, real estate, cars, 401k, retirement savings are all posted as assets. However they didn't ask how much was still owed on the house and cars and property. I did much the same as you did when going to college loans, grants, scholarships, work study and part time jobs for spending money. I graduated in 86 with about 14k in debt and it took about 7-9 years to pay off including deferments.

I'll be looking at college for my daughter in a few short 5 or so years and I'm worried. Being a single parent I don't have a whole lot of extra cash to put away for college. It's hard enough paying daily bills. She may have to fend for herself as well. With the way tuition as exponational increased over the years, she will be come out of it in a hell of a lot of debt.

[HuckleB]

14. Yes, that's an issue.

The Feds expect college students will get X dollars from parents who have certain assets and income. If those parents don't provide those dollars, it doesn't matter. Those supposed dollars count against loan eligibility. It's one messy system.

[Bunny]

15. I'm a single parent too.

I'll be in my early fifties when my oldest child starts college, late fifties when the youngest one does. I just can't see taking on debt in the tens of thousands of dollars or more at that age. I figure if they want it bad enough they'll find a way.

[NashVegas]

13. Childless Here

And yes, if I had the cash to spare, I'd be (or would have been) squirreling away whatever I could for my (imaginary) child's education.

The schooling it took 10k to pay for 24 years ago would cost 4 times that now. As long as you're not going into massive debt, and the kid in question truly wants to do well in school, you are obligated to help them get on a course where they can flourish in the world.

Your child never asked to be born into your family. They shouldn't have to pay a lifetime for your 5 minutes of glory.

[Bunny]

18. Well, none of us actually asked to be born into our families.

But it seems that some parents' five minutes were much more glorious than others.

[Nikia]

17. I think it depends on your financial position

And what position your child will be in to get financial aid or other financing options. At my college, the poor kids, myself included did not have to kill ourselves working close to full time during school year. We got enough financial aid, including federal loans that full time work in the summer and the 10-12 hours of work study during the year was enough to cover things even if our parents couldn't help. The kids killing themselves with full time work during the year and/or 2 full time jobs during the summer were from upper middle class families who refused to help their child pay for college. They did not qualify for as much financial aid. Some of these students had to come up with 10-15 thousand dollars out of pocket when their parents were making close to six figures. I felt bad for them.

[HuckleB]

21. Yeah, it's a bizarre system.

[Lars39]

19. The $10,000 you borrowed is probably = $40,000+.

Most folks are having to take 5 yrs to graduate. Do some of these loans take that into consideration? And if a student has mom/dad's insurance and ages out, they're then uninured; another expense.

A student used to be able to work part-time and make it with loans, not sure if that's possible nowadays, since minimum wage definitely hasn't kept up with inflation.

SoCalDem(?) once posted some interesting numbers on tuition, and how many work hours it took to cover tuition then and now. Very eye-opening. Showed how the middle-class is really getting squeezed out of an education.

[vi5]

20. I will feel obligated but that doesn't mean all should...

Even if I couldn't afford it I would probably take on debt to help her in any way I could. My parents saved up and paid for my college. They didn't have to take on any major debt beyond a few loans. Thus, I will feel compelled to do the same for my child should they want to go to college.

But this is one of those things that is personal and unique to each situations.

[Maestro]

22. I was fortunate enough to have

my schooling paid for by my parents. When I told them I probably could never repay them my father told me to do the same for my kids. I promised him I would, so each month a little more goes into their funds. I am doing this because I want to for my kids just as my father did for me. Personal choice...

[Pithlet]

23. Yes, if we can afford it.

I think parents who can afford it should help to pay for a college education. Fewer and fewer parents are going to be able to afford it, though, so this is a moot question for many. And it is a bigger and much costlier necessity than it used to be. Wanting it bad enough may not be enough, because college will be priced out of the means of so many. And the debt required to pay for the outrageous tuitions will keep anyone who's earned a degree that way in debt until their own kids are in college.

[Maple]

24. Education should be free to everyone

along with healthcare. They are the basic requirements of a modern society.

If you have those two things you won't need much else...but you do need those two.

[greatauntoftriplets]

26. A very wise statement, Maple.

:thumbsup:

[rene moon]

25. If you have the money, then yes

My parents paid for my college education. I am so appreciative of what they have done for me. I help them out now---they are retired and on a limited income.

Do what you can.

[HuckleB]

27. Now, if we're talking weddings, I'd say no.

Oh, sure, I'd spruce up the backyard (where the flowers are a plenty), and offer up one heck of a feast. I'd probably buy a keg and a few cases of wine. But pay for some overpriced hotel lobby, caterer, flower shop, etc... No.

[Pithlet]

38. I don't understand

the 5 figure mega-wedding trend. That's a down payment on a house! Anyone who doesn't come from money or is independently wealthy, and plans on buying a house, having kids and retiring (or even any two of those things) should be putting that money away. Think of how much money that could turn into in 25, 30, 50 years. And all for one day. It seems wasteful.

[Book Lover]

28. Every family weighs their obligations differently

In my household, yes, it is my obligation to educate my children. I can't speak for yours.

[marigold20]

29. I felt obligated to help but not a complete free ride.

Our son went to a top lib. arts college and received enough in scholarships and grants to keep our $ the same as if he'd gone to a state school. He worked during school and all summers. For grad school, he was on his own.

[Reality Not Tin Foil]

30. not me

If I could afford it, and their grades held up, I would pay for it. As it is, they take out loans and they will have to repay them. I think the education means a little more that way. jmo.

[bleedingheart]

31. I will pay for some but not all...

I worked my way through with scholarships and loans with a little help from mom...

[ikojo]

32. I don't think parents MUST pay for a kid's college education

Too many kids are brought up today expecting their parents to provide money for college, a wedding and a down payment on a house. Too many parents, baby boomers mostly, are all too willing to go into hock to make sure their kid has absolutely no worries.

someone asked whether a poster expected their kid to pay for nursing home care. If that is why you have kids, to take care of you in old age, then it is a crap shoot at best and the wrong reason to have kids and provide for them that's for sure. There is no guarantee that your kid, even after you HANDED them everything (car, clothes, education, money for a house etc) that they will want to help you in your time of need. More than likely since they have been raised thinking they were the center of all the universe, they will not want to help a sick parent.

As they say on some lists....YMMV (your mileage may vary)

[miss_kitty]

33. I don't have kids

But I know if you do what you can do, that should be enough. I have had friends who had the ultimate folks pay EVERYTHING! They didn't happen to be worse for that experience, imho. But it's hard to say.

It's part of the learning experience, and we all have different things we learn and need to learn. I paid my loans off before the due date...

[SarahB]

34. I will not go into massive debt, but do everything possible.

First, that begins with the beginning. I read to my children from the time they were babies. We live in a household that limits TV, provides educational experiences as much as possible, and are dare I say, open and thoughtful conversationalists-- and yep, even though my spouse and I will no longer be spouses in the near future, he's a good, devoted dad. We're lousy as husband and wife, but make a heck of a parenting team.

So far, they are doing well. My oldest is in 7th grade and she excels in school (same with the next one in 3rd) and is also involved with band and basketball. I am, I must say, hoping for scholarships to a degree. However, there is also the option of community college and then transferring if necessary. I know people who went to the one I started at and ended up at Yale, Wesleyan, and other top-notch schools. Anything can be done if effort is put into it. I'm also working on another degree in nursing and if I end up at the UConn Medical Center after graduation, one of the benefits is free dependent tuition at the University of Connecticut. I've thought of that heavily. Not a bad deal.

For me, I have done everything on my own. I had zero help from my family and I was the only one to put through college. My dad's an attorney. My mom's an RN. I was the only one they had to worry about putting through college. Basically, my mom was angry at me at 18 (still is for no apparent reason; she's has problems) and decided they wouldn't help me (dad's rather spineless when it came to her), so I plucked away at community college at first- am again to be an RN. My husband did everything on his own too. He was a foster kid and had less resources than me. Took him until he was 27 to even start college, but he did it. He's 41 and in health care management and plans on working on his master's in the next few years.

I guess what I'm saying is don't feel guilty. There are alternatives to going into debt of several hundred thousand dollars to ensure a college education. Life is work. Work is life. There are too many doofus's who waste ages 18-22 drinking their asses off in college anyway. Maybe some of them need to have some maturity and take some responsibility for themselves just a little. Certainly doesn't kill a person and makes them work harder and appreciate it more.

[Seabiscuit]

35. I do. I brought them into this world. Bush fucked it. They need help.

[Zorra]

36. No. Fortunately my ex was from a wealthy family and the kids have

education trust funds.

[nemo137]

37. My grandparents (both sets) put my parents through college.

They paid the after scholarship and student loan tuition. My parents are doing the same for me, although my dad's encouraging me to go to U of I or NIU instead of University of Chicago or Macalester.

[neebob]

39. I feel obligated

as long as my son holds up his end of the bargain by keeping his grades up.