My girlfriend's depression is pushing me to leave her

[NickB79]

My girlfriend of 8 months has become very depressed the past few months, and I can't deal with it anymore. I fought depression since I was 17; it runs in my family unfortunately. I was on the verge of killing myself several times between the ages of 17-23, but could never get over the thought of the pain I would cause my family. Finally one night when I was 20, I exploded with anger at my life and trashed my dorm room and some of the study lounge in the residence hall I lived in in college. My RA tackled me, and my friends later sat me down and told me I had to get help because they couldn't deal with me any longer. I did, and after several years of meds and counselling, I no longer need either medication or psychologists to get by. I'm not going to say I'm cured, but I've learned to take things one day at a time and appreciate the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the bad.

My girlfriend, though I love her dearly, has fallen into the same spot I was several years ago, and I can't be around her any longer. Me being around her is like a recovering drug addict being around junkies; the behavior of the junky will drag the addict back into their old life. I don't know if she was always like this and only was happy the first few months because I was in her life, or if it's because I had to move an hr away for a job, but she's driving me back into my depressed state. She doesn't have a college degree, and can't afford to go to schoool right now, so all she does is complain about how she hates her job at a clothing store, and how this is all she'll ever do with her life. She says very disturbing things (just like I did) like she doesn't want to live past the age of 35, or that if she can't afford to eat, she doesn't care. She works a few hrs a day, comes home, watches TV and goes to bed at 7pm. Then next day she starts this cycle all over again.

I don't know what to do. I've told her I think she's depressed, and I've offerred to pay for her to see a good psychologist I used to see who's clinic charges on a sliding scale. She refuses. She doesn't trust anyone; half the time I don't think she even trusts me. We can't talk anymore; she yells at me over the smallest things and seems to resent the fact I have a college degree and a decent job. When I point out that a large majority of Americans have succeeded without a college degree, she just dismisses that as "they just got lucky." WTF??? I've had to give her money repeatedly, and while she keeps saying she'll pay me back, I know she can't afford to with her meager salary. When I suggest she look for a new job or a second part-time job, she makes excuses, despite me calling her on them every time. She's just afraid, I fear, and gets angry when I point out job openings I think she would be good at.

My best friend and his wife want to set me up with a friend of their's who I met at their wedding. She's sweet, smart, goal-orientated, already owns a house and working a full-time job. It would be such a relief to date someone who isn't living paycheck to paycheck for once, but at the same time I do love my girlfriend and want to make it work. I'm so conflicted. I hate the idea of basically giving up on my girlfriend, because my friends didn't give up on me and I will be forever grateful to them for that. If we did break up, I know she would never want to even talk to me again, much less remain friends. I'm just horrified by the thought that our break-up, rather than force her to get help, would push her over the edge into suicide.

I hadn't cried out of such deep sadness for over a year, until this past month. I can't keep doing this anymore. Please, someone give me some advice on what to do. All my friends tell me to break up with her, but I can't hurt her like that. But at the same time, I shouldn't have to be hurt like this either.

[PDittie]

1. Will she take anything for it?

And I mean of course legally.

I started taking sam-E a few weeks ago for pain in my foot; was told it would help my mood. OMG...

My wife, who would suffer the occasional bout of the blues, also now swears by it. It really helps when I have a bad day at work, she says; and she is most definitely happier to be around.

Google 'sam-E supplement', see what you think, and if you believe she will take an over-the-counter medication then get it (at any drugstore, supermarket, or GNC).

If she can't get accept help in some form or fashion, then I would regretfully say it's time to walk away.

[VLC98]

2. If you really love her...

you have to sit her down and tell her everything you've written here, except the part about your friend wanting to set you up with another woman. Your girlfriend seems to be in a rut and obviously needs to make some changes in her life, perhaps being completely honest about your feelings will help her to wake up.

Your girlfriend reminds me of me, and I've been so lucky to have the support of a loving husband for 17 years, but he is a very tough person, if you know what I mean. I would question the likelihood of two people with a tendency toward depression "making it", but I'm sure there are plenty of people on here that would disagree with me. I hope it works out for you.

[Ruffhowse]

3. Does she have family, parents etc.? Maybe they could help you

convince her she needs help. The ultimate answer for her is definitely therapy and perhaps medication. Somehow she has to be convinced of this.

[Spinzonner]

4. Is this about her or you ?

There are things that send mixed messages.

If you have to save yourself, then perhaps you should do it. You can't help her if you fall into a depressive state yourself.

Are you going to be her boyfriend or her friend ? The two may not be compatible at this time and under her conditions. As you experienced with you friends, some honesty may be needed that isn't particularly appreciated coming from an SO.

You are already looking for someone else, opportunity-wise. That doesn't really sound like someone who 'really loves' their girlfriend, it sounds like someone wanting to get out but avoid the guilt associated with it.

I don't think that this is really advice and I don't think anyone can give you definitive advice because the choices depend on your own mental state and emotions.

And where are her family and other friends ? You shouldn't have to be dealing with this alone.

Someone, somehow has to get her into a professional clinical evaluation so the symptoms can be dealt with chemically if need be to get her off the spiral she's in. Then the other occupational and educational issues can be addressed. See if anything can be done in the nature of an intervention. Seek advice from the professionals you used to visit on how you might handle this situation.

[Joe Chi Minh]

25. It sounds

to me that you are talking a lot of sense, Spinzonner, particularly, when you say:

"Are you going to be her boyfriend or her friend? The two may not be compatible at this time and under her conditions. As you experienced with you friends, some honesty may be needed that isn't particularly appreciated coming from an SO".

Personally, I believe you love her and have a lot of affection for her, NickB79. But, with a predisposition of your own for depression, however reduced in intensity now, I don't believe you should to see her habitually or as a life partner; but, provided you can do so without being dragged under, continue to see her occasionally as a friend.

It is good, of course, that you always want to give her the benefit of the doubt as long as you can, but I think you should bear in mind that it is possible that she is a person who *will* not be helped; who clings to self-pity, maybe nurses it as the most precious thing, when in fact it really is a deadly vice to which many youngsters, in particular, are prone. I know someone who had a terrible addiction, but basically had a very strong temperament and character. I don't know that this is the case with your girl-friend. I believe that many if not all anorexic people are hooked on self-pity, a kind of vanity.
As someone commented here I think under another thread, the best thing to do when you are feeling low, is to find a way to help others. Every best wish to the three of you, anyway.

[flordehinojos]

5. would it be time for you to get back in touch with your psychiatrist so

that he can help you explore the deep issues that you are pondering about at this time? Sometimes just having a good professional to listen makes a whole lot of difference on how we see things. :)

[onebigbadwulf]

6. People dont change until they hit rock bottom

dump her and leave a number of a support group, therapist, or help line.


It's not until we lose everything that we're free to do anything.

[gpandas]

17. freedom's just another word for... n/t

[Joe Chi Minh]

26. Agreed, onebigbadwulf

There seems to be a lot of good advice given by people further down the list of posts, also, I can see now.

[LDS Jock]

7. oh dear.. I feel for you.. here are my thoughts

I too suffer from depression. Actually I am bipolar and take medication daily for it. I have also had psychotherapy as well. It has changed my life, and I can see it now, but before I totally resisted seeing anyone. I didn't want to take drugs. It was like admitting weakness. I had family and friends who, with great effort, got me to seek help. You had people work with you also. I think most people battling serious depression need the support of others. I suggest you try and get her family involved and with them get her to seek help. You cannot help her depression alone. Work with others to get her to seek professional care she needs. She may resist, but you are doing her a favor in the long term.

As far as breaking up or staying together, my advice is to do all you can to get her to seek help first before you make any decision. Once she has help and begins making improvement, your relationship problems may be a thing of the past.

Stay stong!

[soothsayer]

8. Go. Don't turn 18 mos (relatively short time) into a life sentence. She

might not be ready to be "saved." Even tho you eventually were ready for help, she might not be at that point yet. It's ok to love people and realize that they aren't healthy for you. Date a healthy girl and see how great it feels. And wish only the best for your girlfriend.

So, yeah, be straight with your chick, as someone above said----tell her all the stuff EXCEPT about the offer of a fix-up. I guess it's really an ultimatum, or at least a "look, you are free to keep going along this course, but I can't stick around if you are not going to get help, because it's dangerous for ME." Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to learn life lessons from other people's experience, so...give it a shot.

Breaking it off relatively early will be better than waiting for 24 mos, 36 mos, etc. Yer not married to her, you know. The whole point of dating is to see how it works out. It's not working out, and if only one of you is trying or capable of trying to fix it, it's not going to work.

[graywarrior]

9. Spinzonner is right. This is too big for you to handle.

I was like your girlfriend many years ago. You cannot reason with a depressed person, you know that. This is what my boyfriend did back then. He told me, "Get help, or I'm gone." And he meant it. I got help.
Fortunately, we worked things out AFTER I got treatment, which involved many different courses from meds to diet change.
Don't go it alonw.
Sounds like you may need to get back into therapy for a while.

[Paradise]

10. Take a page from your friends' book...

Tackle her, sit her down and tell her she has to get help because you can't deal with her any longer.

[Deja Q]

11. Your friends helped you, but you want to leave her,

who is more than a friend to you?

Depression is not like drugs. She is no junkie. If you loved her, you would take the time to get her the help she needs.

You're sending mixed signals. The dichotomy would make any computer blow up in smoke.

I know how she feels. She NEEDS someone. She does not need to be dumped and be left alone.

[Dirty Hippie]

12. Please Read This Reply

If you are going to break up with her let someone who cares about her know.

My son attempted suicide after his girlfriend broke up with him. I would have given anything to have known. As it happenened, I was clueless and as a result did not provide additional support for him.

I wish she had just given me a "heads up."

Do both of you a favor and let someone who can keep an eye on her know!!!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

18. I agree

If her self-esteem is that shaky, don't break up with her unless someone else is available to watch her. I know someone who tried to gas himself in his garage after his partner dumped him.

However, if you feel that she is dragging you down, you need to get out. I find that a lot of men have a "knight in shining armor" complex and think that they can "save" an emotionally unhealthy woman. They can't, but they keep trying, and then they post on DU and complain to their friends that women are unappreciative bitches who want to be slapped around.

My feeling about relationships is that a healthy relationship is one in which you bring out the best in each other. This relationship does not qualify.

My advice would be different if you already had a healthy relationship in the past and this woman went into a temporary spell of depression. Then you would be a creep for leaving her. However, in this case, you don't have much of a history together, and the relationship threatens to drag you down.

[Rabelais]

13. She deserves someone better than you

look at your own words.
You said...
"I have a college degree and a decent job."
"....suceeded...etc,"
"..pay me back..etc,"
"...her meager salary..."
"..job openings..."
" ...already owns a house."

Your love is money, so yes you should go date your yuppie friend's friend.

[Misunderestimator]

15. Fine job of taking things out of context...

"I have a college degree and a decent job."

What he really said:
and seems to resent the fact I have a college degree and a decent job.
------------------
"....suceeded...etc,"

What he really said:
When I point out that a large majority of Americans have succeeded without a college degree, she just dismisses that as "they just got lucky."
------------------
"..pay me back..etc,"
"...her meager salary..."

What he really said:
I've had to give her money repeatedly, and while she keeps saying she'll pay me back, I know she can't afford to with her meager salary.
------------------
"..job openings..."

What he really said:
she...gets angry when I point out job openings I think she would be good at.
------------------
" ...already owns a house."

What he really said:
She's sweet, smart, goal-orientated, already owns a house and working a full-time job.
------------------

I have been in a LOT of relationships in which the relationship began as an equal partnership, but turned into a similar situation.

1. I was with someone in my own field (at the time) who constantly was depressed and cried every time I got a gig (we were both singers). I convinced my agent to send her on auditions, jeopardizing my own relationship with him. I also supported her for two years, even though she had money from her parents. I worked two part-time jobs outside of my career to support us both. She ended up leaving after finding work.

2. Another relationship (also with another singer) who had a part-time job... once she realized what a sucker I was, she found a way to have herself fired. She sat around doing nothing all day, never looking for another part-time job, but asking me for money (and getting it) for voice lessons and cab fare and fees for competitions, well... basically everything, while I struggled to support us both. I ended up leaving her after a 18 months, after she threatened suicide many times. It sounds harsh, but she ended up at Bellevue after pretending to take an overdose of pills and calling a friend to say she had tried to commit suicide. I called the hospital, and found out that it was just a few too many aspirins.

3. The longest relationship I had (for seven years) was with a singer who had already decided to quit the business. After a year, I also quit singing, we moved in together and made a decision together that she should go back to school for another career. I supported her for the four years to get her through school, even though we were BOTH changing careers, and I did not go back to school myself. A year after she found a job (for which I created her resume and cover letters and mailed hundreds of prospective employers), she left me.

4. The next relationship was with someone who had two jobs when I met her. We moved to Florida together after six months, and for the next 18 months, she sat around doing nothing, not looking for a job... Needless to say, I ended up supporting her as well.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be with someone who has ambition and who has shown some success (regardless of the actual amount of money they make). I think it is extremely smart of the original poster to be wary of buying into her depression. It's happened too many times to me to not have sympathy for him. And it will NOT work out. If she is not even willing to treat her depression, not willing to find a way to pay him back, not interested in furthering herself by finding a job she enjoys (again, regardless of money... I don't think that was his entire point here), and especially if he has been through this before and risks joining her in her spiral... HE deserves someone better.

[philosophie_en_rose]

20. And he deserves a better answer than yours.

Did you read his post? He's risking his recovery and is obviously conflicted about this situation.

[NewJeffCT]

14. Hate to be harsh, but you should break it off now

I was in a similar situation with my now ex-wife several years back. We had a run of bad luck right after we got married and she went from a vivacious outgoing woman to just the opposite. Looking back now, it was almost like turning off a light switch.

Unfortunately, I was afraid to break it off with her. I tried to get her into counseling... when she told me I was smothering her, I gave her space. When I gave her space, I was accused of being distant. I couldn't win.

I gave her money or bought her things to cheer her up. I took her to nice restaurants and even brought her to the Caribbean once. Nothing worked and I got further & further into debt. We hardly spoke for the last several months... it would have been easier if we just broke it off cleanly rather than the slow torture of the inevitable break-up & divorce.

[radwriter0555]

16. Put your needs FIRST. You don't need any more toxic relationships

that will endanger YOU..You have done everything you can to help her, but maybe it's time to not be the boyfriend anymore.

You don't have to actually break up with her, especially since you live an hour away. You can just stop seeing her so much, not be quite available, and just ease out of it all slowly, and transition the relationship to one of friendship... assuming you don't live together.

I'm not sure "what" you want to make work here. She doesn't sound at all pleasant to be around. She isn't interested in making anything any better, just in seeing how much worse she can make it, so you stick around to prove you love her. That's not love, and she's not caring about YOU.

She has too many excuses and not enough reasons. Ease out of it, transition out. And stop giving her money, you're just enabling her even more.

[sangh0]

19. Your girlfriend is ill

If you had married and grown old with her, and then she came to have some terrible condition/illness, would you dump her? If it happened to you, would you expect her to dump you?

I do understand, and agree with, your concerns about your own mental status. You do need to be careful. However, I don't think that justifies a "dumping" of someone who is in a precarious mental state. I suggest that you speak to her freinds and her family and make them aware of the situation. Then you can, as a group, come up with a plan to assist your girlfreind. *THEN*, if that doesn't work, then maybe you should reconsider your continuing the relationship.

She's ill, and she needs the assistance of people who love her. You can't do what you can't do, but you can put some "good faith" effort into it.

[philosophie_en_rose]

21. Serious issues need serious help.

If your girlfriend is clinically depressed and needs serious help, you can't change that by stringing her along or being dishonest about your feelings. Don't take it upon yourself to be her savior, because you can't be.

You don't have to be in a relationship to be supportive. If a friend had cancer, would you have to date to help? If you breakup in a gentle way and offer genuine friendship, then she may be less affected. And, perhaps, she's not that happy with you or your relationship either.

Be her friend. Don't give up on her. But, you're not obligated to give up your sanity or your life. It's insulting to think that she'll crumble without you. You're a better friend for being supportive of her choices and for helping her find her own strength than you would be for dating her out of guilt or pity and ignoring serious mental health needs.

[Zomby Woof]

22. get out now

Been there, done that. Don't waste 2 valuable years of your life like I did in a similar situation. Depression can be contagious, I have found.

[Elidor]

23. My heart goes out to you. And her.

I've been dealing with a similar situation, though not quite as desperate as yours. I'm sticking in there for the long haul, but I'm mindful of my own wellness. I've made it a provision of our relationship that she continue her treatment.

Life is too short to be trapped in a shitty relationship. By all means, let her friends and family know she needs help. And make a clean break.

[skygazer]

24. You need to do a couple of things

First of all, you need to do exactly what your college friends did - sit her down and tell her firmly and clearly that she is out of control and needs to seek help and if she refuses to, you will have to end the relationship. Be clear and loving about it but be firm.

Second of all, if you do break up, the last thing you need is to immediately hook up with someone else. Give it a rest, for crying out loud! If you really do love your present girlfriend, you are not ready for another relationship.

You're doing her no favors by doing nothing. The longer you stay together unhappily, the more it will hurt when it ends. You need to state the facts and let her decide. And then follow up on it.

Good luck. I feel for you both. It's so hard to live with a depressive (I am one) - you want to help them but the truth is, you can't. And it's a drag when everything you offer is not good enough.

[necso]

27. I play a fair amount of solitaire.

Some hands you just can't win.

... And I have gotten pretty good at solitaire. (Ok, so I cheat -- but only as much as the software allows -- and if it was really cheating, the program should forbid it.)

Real life is a lot more complicated, so I hesitate to give advice --- but don't beat yourself up -- the world will do this enough for you.

I will say one thing though, self knowledge is difficult to acheive ... but self delusion is easy.

And there is little (common) sense (or self interest) in being a martyr.

[bratcatinok]

28. I can fully understand why the set-up date

has such appeal to you. It would be like a breath of fresh air after what you've been dealing with. The thing is, you're seeing it as an escape route from the feelings you're having about your girlfriend. Everyone comes with some sort of baggage, even the one your friends want to introduce you to. Don't use the set-up date as a way of escaping from your feelings for your girlfriend because it's not fair to the new lady.

I agree with others here that are saying in affect, it's time to have a sort of intervention with your girlfriend. Help her in the same way your friends helped you when you couldn't help yourself. It's ok to give her a loving ultimatum but if you do, you have to be willing to stick around if she does decide to get help because that's part of what your ultimatum is saying to her.

Contact the phsychologist you saw before to help you over this hump in your life. He knows you better than we do and he may have some solutions we haven't thought of.

Suicide sucks. I've been on both sides of the equation. I've been suicidal because I had lost any hope the pain I felt would ever stop and I've also seen how damned selfish it is when someone you love kills themselves. My Dad chose suicide and it took me several years to get over the anger I felt at him.

Don't try to deal with this on your own. Rally friends, relatives and a professional because not only does she need help, so will you no matter what your ultimate decision is.

[On the Road]

29. Depression in Both People in a Relationship is Trouble

If you have a tendency toward depression, her behavior absolutely has an effect on you.

And consider whether things in your own behavior may be feeding her depression. Patterns like depression are deeply ingrained into every part of our personalities. You might not be the best person for her for that reason.

Caring for her and wanting to help her to do not equate to making a commitment. If you can't see creating a happy life with her, it's probably a good idea to leave. Your instincts to make sure she's OK and is taken care of is wise.

Leaving a depressed person is not always a death knell for them. I dated someone who (without my knowing it at the time) had been hospitalized for suicidal tendencies and received shock therapy about six months before we met. When I knew, I told her it made me very nervous about the possibility of breaking up. "Oh, I wouldn't kill myself over a guy" she said.

And whatever you do, don't listen to comments like "She's too good for you." Nothing in your response suggests that you are selfish, unfeeling, or materialistic. Be open to your faults, but that kind of advice is a guilt trip which encourages wrong decisions.

[jdots]

30. Hate to spew phyco babble but about the depression ?

is her depression situational or clinical ? has she taken over your depression when you left it ?..........Now do you think this person is the love of your life ???? if you do but you think you can't handle it walk away and don't turn back...... You said you got over your depression and or understand it and can deal with it can you deal with hers ? off hand it doesn't sound like a good match & sounds all 80s co-dependant=out in the open but the love isn't there to hold onto. you didn't mention if you feel you really love her sucky question it's good you asked us strangers because you know you aren't paying our bills by having you stay in this .

[truthbetold]

31. Man, it's rough.

I'm an 18 year old female and I tried to kill myself a couple years ago. I tried overdosing on pills, but ended up puking my guts out. Never told my parents- unfortunately, they found a suicide note I was planning to leave and discovered my depression. They wanted me to see a therapist, but I refused to go.
This is a really hard decision to make. You either stay with the person who's going to drag you down, or you leave and risk making her worse. I wish there was an easy solution, but when it comes right down to it, the only thing you can go on is your own heart.
Good luck to you.

[IconoclastIlene]

32. DO HER A FAVOR and take a hike baby

with friends like you, she doesn't need enemies!!!!


Oh yeah, fuck face.