"It was a dark & stormy night, suddenly....a shot rang out!

[mopaul]

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. I nearly ran my roadster into a ditch

but managed to keep on the road. I looked ahead in the gloom. Whoever was out on a night like this was up to no good.

[mopaul]

2. the maid screamed....."aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"

[childslibrarian]

3. Meanwhile, in a nearby village

A man dusted off his clothes and looked with pride at the shallow gave he had just dug.

[mopaul]

4. a pirate ship appeared on the horizon

[childslibrarian]

12. The man inflated his kayak

and putting his blowpipe over his shoulder he paddled out to the ship.
"Norm!" came the call from the ship!

[mopaul]

29. "You"!, i choked, but how could it be? after all these years

and i know i left him dead back in kansas, no man could live through that.

[CarolynEC]

35. Shut up, he explained.

[tinnyguy1777]

5. Out of the local pub-----

stumbled the towm drunk, George bush------------

[LibDemAlways]

8. Close behind him, his Stepford wife

Pickles tried to wrestle away his keys. "Get away from me, woman!" shouted the chimp-faced inebriate, as he fumbled for the door of the hummer.

[jpgray]

6. mopaul had taken a creative writing course

:7

[mopaul]

9. the morning sun hit me in the face like an angry woman

and an angry woman stormed out of my room with my wallet

[jpgray]

10. She was rich i tell ya. She had more bread than a prison meatloaf

[mopaul]

11. she had long blonde hair flowing down her back...

...and none on her head

[childslibrarian]

13. She had a PhD

and the breath to match it.

[jpgray]

14. She said 'Guess what I've been doing? Your brother.'

And I said 'Lady, you have to give me more time to guess.'

[mopaul]

26. claude?...my twin brother CLAUDE? i thought i knew you Tiffany,

but i've been so terribly awfully sadly wrong

[Lady Effingbroke]

7. "Alabama ssshure issh funnn!" slurred George

as he drunkenly lurched towards home, pausing in his lumbering cadence only to throw up on his shoes.

[rocktivity]

16. From his office window, Gen. Killian watched George's antics in disgust

then turned towards his typewriter.

:headbang:
rocknation

[mopaul]

15. 'you call this good booze'? she yelled, 'QUIET i said,

you'll wake the landlady'

[Jackpine Radical]

20. Bush's foot slipped in his vomit and he fell to the ground.

Twisting to one side, he pulled a pretzel from his pocket and pointed it menacingly at a nearby tree. "You'll pay for that, Sssucker" he slurred.

[mopaul]

17. somewhere in kansas, a young girl was growing up

[jpgray]

18. Raised by the rare Softshoe Warthog (nt)

[childslibrarian]

19. She was a rare combination in Kansas

a philosopher, a dentist, and a jazz singer....

[mopaul]

21. I just love kitties, I have 6 at home!...great, just great i thought

to myself

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

22. And even rarer indeed

her parents were Democrats...

[mopaul]

23. she was double drop dead gorgeous, but when she took the stage,

she sang like a hinge. too bad too, cause a girl with looks AND pipes has half a chance of getting out of this miserable one horse graveyard of broken teen dreams, and blazing across the despairing sky, oblivious to the hoary clouds of regret.

[jpgray]

25. But she had a secret weapon for drawing attention--armpit hair

She would start slow, with a few ballads, and then WHAM! up with the arm and all the bored critics jumped in their seats.

'Did you see--?'
'See what?'
'Uh. I'm not sure.'

She filled the house for the next week while they waited to see it again.

[mopaul]

24. i knew it was a trap when she asked, 'do these pants make my butt

look big'? 'yes', i said, bracing for it

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

28. Her dental business started slowly

many days she spent inside the office almost praying for someone to drop in...

Her first big break came when a mother of five entered the office one afternoon...with 3 young ones in tow...and a husband with DENTAL INSURANCE...

[mopaul]

30. but her joy turned to bitter autumn leaves when she discovered

that the crandall's teeth were oddly and menacingly perfect in every way, as if they were models for a dental health magazine. and they all seemed to have several more than the average person, about 44 or more. little did she know that today would be the start of a bizarre chain of tragic events, involving mass mayhem and grave robbing.

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

31. The mass mayhem started

first, stealing of political yard signs, ripping off mattress tags,

then the dogs in town all started to act strangely...

[mopaul]

32. "is your name Tiffany Headworth?' the handsome officer asked.

'that all depends' she said coyly, as she adjusted her shoulders back a few inches almost imperceptibly. the move was not wasted on the succulent, yet supple police officer

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

33. Circled by dogs, the officer responded

"depends? On what? Nice teeth, by the way".

[EstimatedProphet]

34. She got out her dental tools, and picked up a probe

She then put her dental skills to work examining Crandall's teeth. She tapped at one of the incisors.
"Plastic", she said under her breath, "just as I suspected".

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

36. He mumbled incoherehently, grabbed a political yard sign

and swung it at her...

The officer stopped wondering if Headworth was indeed her family name and, ignoring the circling dogs, moved to intervene...

[DemoTex]

27. Then I realized it was not a shot. It was another tree snapping.

DAMN THESE HURRICANES! DAMN THEM, I SAY!

[mopaul]

37. and then the incident with basil.

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sulkily and, buffing her already impeccable nails--not for the first time since the journey began--pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil.

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

38. Do they have camels in Kansas?

[mopaul]

39. halfway through kansas, i could still hear her bone chilling scream

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.

[mopaul]

40. her name wasn't even Tiffany, but Delores instead

Dolores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping across smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred-pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center.

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

42. How many characters are

in this freaking thing???

Sounds like a cast of thousands!

[mopaul]

44. only four, but it's written by david lynche so don't try to figure it out

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

41. A scream of uncertain origin,

whether birthed by the throes of passion, by dogbite, or by getting hit with the pointy end of a political yard sign - one had to wonder...

Basil calmly checked his watch while Selena stared sullenly out the passenger window at endless miles of corn fields...

[mopaul]

43. she recoiled as she remembered the endless fields of kansas

and the two weeks she spent one night in wichita with the vampire lesbian cult, her spirit broken, but satisfied. hand me another camel, and pull over at the next truck stop, she suggested haughtily

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

46. Tiffany pulled on her shawl and

left the mayhem at the office, wondering when her life would be normal again, ruing the day that her agent sadly smiled and told her that jazz singing was not her forte`. Walking briskly, followed by a mangy yellow cur, she broke into a run and avoided the dead camel on the side of the road as she headed towards the only sign of life in this dreary, frontier-like town...

The truckstop...

the young officer was slightly taken aback, as he wondered what to think of the polical yard sign he held in his hand, as Crandall gleamed up at him, almost evilly...

[The Backlash Cometh]

45. Fish? What's fish got to do with it? But Merrit did not reply.

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

47. The man in Pittsburgh hung up the phone,

after reassuring his wife that the 4-year old was OK, then gave said child a bowl to use should he need to vomit again. Turning his attention to the 6-year old, he promised him a story before bedtime and sadly moved to turn off the computer...

[rocktivity]

48. But as always, he checked DU to see if mopaul had posted anything

of significance before he signed off for the night.

:headbang:
rocknation

[mopaul]

51. and of course, he hadn't

as he NEVER posts anything of significance

[The Backlash Cometh]

52. "Mopaul is a man!?" She shouted in surprise.

[Blue_Tires]

49. snoopy shot down the red baron

and charlie brown struck out the side in the 9th to preserve a 1-0 win

[Aristus]

50. Just then, the clocks struck thirteen.

[radfringe]

53. A Flash of lightning, crash of thunder and the lights went out.