Why not take me as your god?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

I think you should consider me for all your deistic needs. I'm good.

- You can buy indulgencies. If you were out on Friday, and you got into a bit of trouble, don't despair. Simply send me a cheque for $50 ($250 for arrest-worthy sins) and we'll say no more about it.

- No need for costly reformations. You don't like something? I can change.

- I promise not to inspire any Wars, Crusades or any other form of civil disorder. I am a very uninspiring deity. Other religions will be safe with me. I promise.

- I can be proven to exist. Really, I can. Who else do you think is writing this? No-one. It's me. Really. Here's my drivers license.

- I don't cost much. There's only one of me, not three like some religions I could mention. No big fancy church organization, either. I'm sure I can run this whole shebang on about 70k a year. Honest! I give receipts (no charitable status)

- I'll be very devoted to my followers. You need some god loving? I'll come over. I don't mind. You're paying the airfare, right? I will bring Pringles.

- No need to wait until death to enter Heaven, I have my own afterworld in an abandoned KOA site outside of Moose Jaw. It's really very nice. They have shows every Tuesday at 7.45. We had Oates from Hall and Oates once.

- I have no supernatural powers. Insult me if you like! It's not like I can strike you down with a lightning bolt. I've tried. It just doesn't work.

Make me your god. Please.

[LiberalVoice]

1. I'm sold.

Do you need my credit card number.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

3. Yes. There will be a small one-time processing fee

each time you donate. Be generous! I have a cat. She needs litter.

[Fenris]

2. Way ahead of you

I have an alter to you built out of Dr. Who DVDs and Tolkein books.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

4. Hooray! And remember, Jesus only rose from the dead once.

Doctor Who has done it several times.

[Fenris]

8. Daleks are my Satan

[ret5hd]

5. What is your position on masturbation?

my previous religion really frowned on it.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

7. So long as I don't have to watch, I don't care.

[ret5hd]

12. i think the problem...

my previous religion had was that they were getting complaints from god that i kept disturbing him with crys of "oh, god, oh god...". would these crys be disturbing to you?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

14. I don't have supernatural powers.

So, as long as you don't actually phone me up while wanking, we should be ok.

[curse10]

6. I bow down before the great and mighty god, Screaming Lord Byron!

[Screaming Lord Byron]

10. Thank you. It's nice to be worshipped unconditionally.

Everyone should be a god.

[Deja Q]

9. Sure! Your place or mine?

O8)

[Screaming Lord Byron]

11. Yours. The cat peed on the living room carpet last night.

My powers are worthless against feline urine.

[Dookus]

13. Hrmm...

intriguing. I have some questions:

Will you smite mine enemies for me? I want a real smitey God.

Do you have any onerous commandments, like "No sex threads"?

What kind of.. uh... worship... are we talking about?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

16. If by smiting, you mean bitchy comments behind their backs

I can do that. I don't have any commandments, really. I don't like cranberries much.
In terms of worship, nothing strenuous. No one has to get down on their knees (unlike other religions I could mention).

[dolo amber]

15. Because a god should not

have beady eyes and a flip-top head. :P

[curse10]

17. Damn those Canadians!

Or is it Canadiens?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

18. Look. It's a heretic.

I'm warning you, young lady. I don't have infinite compassion like the other guy.

[dolo amber]

22. Oooooh, aren't we

a spanky god...:spank:

:D

[Screaming Lord Byron]

23. It's all part of the personal care package.

You won't get that kind of attention to detail from Jehovah.

[eyesroll]

24. Wow! I thought I was being facetious...

You really ARE my god!
:D

[JVS]

43. Yeah, flip-top heads are not very devine

[JVS]

19. No

[eyesroll]

20. You already are my god, Byron.

Send me a headshot and I'll put you on the cross.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

21. Hooray!

[sui generis]

25. What is your position on sins and guilt and allathat?

You aren't going to go do anything freaky and get electro-fried for our sins or anything are you? This waiting-around-for-2000-years-crap for the return of the messiah is for the birds.

If you do decide to take the electric chair route, will we have to worship old Sparky and wear a miniature around our necks?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

26. Nah. I'm allergic to pain.

I intend to live eternally on your love and compassion.

[eyesroll]

27. Well, then, crap.

What's this "love" and "compassion" of which you speak?

I'm having a crisis of faith already.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

28. That's OK. It's sexy love and compassion.

None of this purity stuff.

[eyesroll]

30. Well. Then.

So long as I don't have to be nice to everyone.

Or anyone.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

31. No. The relationship is purely between yourself and your God.

Like in that Depeche Mode song.

[eyesroll]

34. Well...surely...my god and I can invite others, right?

:evilgrin:

I'm so gonna get in trouble one of these days...

[Screaming Lord Byron]

35. In our faith, they're known as 'co-religionists'.

[GOPisEvil]

29. Sure...why not?

A man needs something to believe in, right?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

32. That's the spirit!

I mean, what else are you going to do? I'm the least intrusive deity.

[ScreamingMeemie]

33. Erm....because MrG might have a problem with me worshipping you?

:shrug:

;)

[Misunderestimator]

36. You had me at Pringles.

:D

[Screaming Lord Byron]

39. Hooray! Pringles - Filling the gap other religions leave unfilled.

[XNASA]

37. Thanks but no thanks.

If you no can smote,
I no can devote.

If you're unable to smite my enemies I really can't see the point.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

40. I know. Hold me up to the interventionist Old Testament God

and I look kinda lame. I can't turn people into pillars of salt. I really wish I could. There's a guy I always see in Safeway who could benefit from radical salination.

[Beer Snob-50]

38. Do you expect sacrifices?

Will hockey become the official sport of your religion? Just questions I need to know (My current religion official sponsors the Boston Red Sox)

[Screaming Lord Byron]

41. Sure. We can do that.

Barbecued Chicken works.

[Beer Snob-50]

46. I am there.

Sounds like a good one. BTW mail me a bible or whatever. as a deity you probably know how to get ahold of someone.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

47. Oh yeah. We'll need a holy book.

I've got some old copies of Grand Royal. That should work for now.

[regularguy]

42. Sounds good to me...

My current God thinks he's so high and mighty...this'll teach him.

[ScreamingMeemie]

44. Because you did not answer my first post...and skipped right over it.

Proving that you are fallible. I need my Gods to be infallible.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

45. Sorry, I was all out of lacivious innuendo by that point.

I'm only human, y'know.

Oops.

[ScreamingMeemie]

48. Five Hail Marys, an Our Father, and an apostles' creed for you then!

:P

[tigereye]

49. I like the idea of you as a deity

when I say Oh my God, I will think of you...

I am laughing and I don't know why. Must be Monday and the full moon effect.

ps will you be a shiny god or a dun- colored one? ;)

[pagerbear]

50. Is cash the only way to buy indulgences?

Will you take barter? Trade? (And you know what I mean by trade!)