OH MY GOD...My Father Just Told Me He Is TRANSGENDERED

[Placebo]

He left a note on my laptop telling me to check my email and read it, and if i have any questions he will answer them later

I'm still in shock, i have no one i can talk to about this, what the hell am I going to do, i don't know what to say

my father says that he is a woman

i don't know why i am posting this here but I have no one to talk to.

he sent me a copy of an email he apparently sent to my aunt a long time ago and i'm the last to find out, even my mother knows, no one told me anything

i don't know what to say

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. Nothing to say other than to offer my support

I can't imagine what a shock it must be.

[Bunny]

2. You must be absolutely stunned.

I don't know what to say, other than you have the support of the entire DU community if you need us. :grouphug:

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

3. Wow

that's got to be a shock. Give yourself a chance to let it sink it, ok? It's going to take a while.

My husband found out a few years ago his dad is a cross-dresser. Is that the right term? And he poses as a woman on the internet. He let it sink in and then he was ok with it. It actually explained a lot, looking back.

I hope you find someone to talk to, too...it helps!!!

[medeak]

4. what a shock

Bless you.. parents are human too. And obviously you have great ones to have raised someone like you.

Was he a woman before or wants to be now? am in fog today on sinus meds..forgive me.

Am certain you will give him the support he's seeking and your mother as well. Thinking of you today.

[Placebo]

7. He said he was born a girl but born in the "wrong packaging"

whatever that means

[radwriter0555]

22. Well, it's not that rare. We have close family friend's whose son has

felt and expressed this since he could talk. Luckily he's in a family who understands this concept and is dealing with it professionally so that he doesn't to wait until he's in his 40's to deal with it, as your dad is doing.

You'll be fine. Your pops is no different than he ever was, all that is changing slightly is your perception.

He still loves you, did a great job raising you, apparently (being you're a liberal and all) and trusts you enough to share this deeply emotional issue with you.

You'll all be fine. Nothing has changed but perceptions.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

5. Continue to love him like he has loved you all through the years ...

Father or mother , man or woman , he is still human and no matter what , the love is still the same . Of course you are in shock of course but no matter what his sex is , the heart is what matters the most . I wish the rest of the world would learn that ...

[bigwillq]

6. How is your realtionship with your father?

Another question, how old are you?
I don't think it is right that they waited to tell you but unless you're in a situation like that, you don't know how people are going to react.

Like me, I knew I was gay since I was like 12 but I didn't tell my folks or my friends until I was 22 because I didn't know how they were going to take it or react. Were they going to hate me? Throw me out of the house?


I know it's a shock but if you have a good realtionship with dad, give it some time. Let him deal with his situation.

Let him know you want to understand what he's feeling and thinking.
This is something that doesn't have to ruin your relationship. You can work through it if you're both willing to make that committment.

[Placebo]

10. i'm 18

[bigwillq]

21. Do you want to answer my first question?

About you're relationship with your dad. Only if you want to share. I'm just trying to get a perspective on the situation so I can offer realistic advice.

[Placebo]

23. I guess we get along well...

but we fight all the time and he likes to bitch at me about every little thing, and he and my mother have been fighting for as long as i can remember

we are very close but, we fight a lot it's either really happy or really pissed off times when it comes to him

[bigwillq]

35. It's common with a lot of kids and their parents

Not too big of a deal.

Just take it one day at a time. Like I said, try to understand what he's going through.

It may be difficult for a while but you say you are close so try and work to keep it that way.

As for you, have you considered maybe going to a doctor to talk about this?

I know you have all of us here at DU for help and support but sometimes doctors can help with situations like this. I went for like 6 months after I told my family and friends that I was gay and it helped me a lot.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

41. It's not uncommon...

for relationships with family to change once a person has transgendered. After all, they have been carrying this huge secret that was probably a terrible burden -- TGs are often depressed and suicidal, in fact.

Once a TG finally becomes the person they feel they should have always been, that internal pressure is releaved and they can free themselves up emotionally to have better relationships with their family.

[jus_the_facts]

8. if you're okay with it...just let him know...that no matter what...he's...

....still your Dad and you still love him. :pals:

[DemWitch]

9. He's your Dad...

Tell him you love him... and go from there...

[Name removed]

11. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Bertha Venation]

28. That's a crappy response to someone in The Nation's shoes.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Name removed]

45. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[henslee]

12. This may seem like a dumb observation but .... this does mean that

genetically he is not your father, right? If so, I'd want to know who my pop was. Just for your medical history purposes.

On another note, it must have been hard for him to keep this secret and just hard and brave to share it with you. He must love you and trust you to do so. If you love him and he loves you... I don't know what you can or should do except give him a hug and make sure he's voting fir JK.

[Placebo]

16. i guess i'm his kid

he did marry my mother

[henslee]

30. I'm talking "sperm manufacturing" here If he was a woman who became

a man, he cannot produce sperm. If you are saying you're his kid because he raised you, that's wonderful. I'm jus coming from an
"objective health history" perspective which could be more important that you think.

[Dookus]

31. You misunderstand

his father was born male, and is now in the process of becoming a woman.

[Placebo]

32. he's not a woman who became a man

he's a man who is a woman inside

[henslee]

Ahhhh. Sorry. Nevermind. nt

[henslee]

38. Ahhhh. Sorry. Nevermind. nt

[Downtown Hound]

13. Wow! That must be a shocker...

Remember that he's still your dad. I know that must be disorienting as hell but try and keep an open mind. If you love him then try and see this as a way for him to increase his happiness, if he really feels strongly about it. Take some time out, and then sit down and talk to him. He's still your dad no matter what.

My dad and I didn't get along. Granted he never sprung any transgendered issues on me but we had other issues. I always thought we'd have a chance to reconcile one day, like in the movies. You know, we'd have a big talk and make up scene and everything would be fine. Well, he died expectantly one night when I was 19, and I never got the chance. I've always regretted that. This could be an opportunity for your relationship with your father to grow in a very profound way. Try and look at it like that. If you're there for him and support him, it could be very rewarding to you both.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

14. This must be incredibly shocking to you...

but don't panic, he's still your loving parent, and always will be regardless of what changes the "packaging" goes through.

I've worked with many trans men as a make-up consultant. Let me dig up some links for you to check out -- education on the subject may be the biggest help you can give yourself right now.

Hang in there --

[Placebo]

15. What the hell...

apparently he's already had a "bi-lateral orchiectomy" whatever the hell that is

[MuseRider]

19. That is

removal of his testicles. Look, this must be a shock but in reality he is the same person you always knew. I am of course looking from the outside. It must have taken a lot of courage to tell you and caused a lot of pain waiting until the correct time to tell you. We are here to help, you can count on that. For the moment you should probably sort out some of your feelings, write it down if you need to. Talk when he wants to talk and get on with the business of being his son. That is my suggestion, take it for what it is worth. He is still the same human being inside that you have always known.

[henslee]

34. Wait, if he's now a dad, he went from being a woman to being a man.

He would have no testicles to remove unless he was a hermaphrodite.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

17. Ok. Here is what I suggest:

1. Talk to someone, face to face. NOW. If you must, call your local crisis line and see if there is somewhere you can go to talk to someone. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to deal with this on your own. Get to someone now. Start the process of sorting this out within yourself. With assistance.

2. Seek out, at the earliest possible chance, support groups for relatives of GLBT people. Learn from them. Use their strength and experience from which that strength was borne.

3. You must talk to, and assess your father's mental state. Better still, get him to join you when you go to speak to someone, preferably a professional. His admission, and the manner in which it was given to you is not something to be taken in a cavalier manner.

4. Do not discuss this within your family YET, until you have discussed this with a professional. Do you want to start a shitstorm? I don't think you do. Try to keep the situation low key now.

Your father has laid some really heavy shit on your shoulders. I do not approve of the manner in which he has done this, but what is done is done. Now, you have to do some things, first for yourself, so you can be effective for yourself, for him and for the people you love.

This is a T. Scheisskopf No-Shitter Alert. Serious as a heart attack I am.

[demnan]

18. I don't know if you saw the HBO movie on this

with John Lithgoth, but I think it might be worth watching for you now.

I also saw on HBO a few years ago a documentary called Southern Comfort. It was about a few transgendered friends who got together at a conference once a year. I thought the movie handled the subject well.

[Placebo]

20. Wait a minute, he says he's a tg LESBIAN???

he says he doesn't like men even though he's a woman, u could call him a tg LESBIAN??!?!?!?!

ugh i don't know what the fuck this is all about

[radwriter0555]

24. You don't need to know. You don't need to guess. You simply need to

be his son.

Nothing has changed.

[Dookus]

29. Sorry for the shock you're going through

but if you keep an open mind and an open heart, you will get through this just fine. Keep in mind that what you're going through pales in comparison to what your Dad is going through.

There is some ignorance in this thread about what this means. Your father was born, biologically, male. He is your genetic father, as he had sex with your mother and impregnated her. But he feels that he should not have been a male, and is in the process of becoming a woman. His gender identity is entirely separate from his sexual orientation. His sexual orientation hasn't changed. He was attracted to women before, and he will continue to be attracted to women. But whereas he was "straight" as a man, he will be a Lesbian as a woman.

I can only imagine how distressing and confusing this is for you, but remember that he's still the same person, only now you know him better. It sounds like he's in the process of surgically becoming a woman, which will be difficult for you both, but I know you can handle this. Get help, talk to people, and talk to your Dad. Best of luck.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

37. Go here how...

All about transexualism
http://www.tsfaq.info/

And

"COLAGE is the only national and international organization in the world specifically supporting young people with gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender parents."

http://www.colage.org/ (their site)
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/COLAGEYouth/ (their online youth group)
http://www.colage.org/groups.html (locations of their support groups)

[Placebo]

42. Thanks.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

39. On gender identifty and sexual preference...

Is transsexualism the same as homosexuality?

No. Transsexualism is about a person's core sense of their gender. This is a separate issue from the gender of the people they are attracted to.

Just like any other individual, a transsexual person may identify as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or bisexual. For example, a person raised as a man who transitions to living as a woman may identify as heterosexual, in which case she would seek relationships with men, or lesbian, in which case she would seek relationships with other women.

[brainshrub]

25. What's the difference between transgendered and being gay?

:shrug:

[Placebo]

27. they are totally different unrelated things

gay means you are happy being the gender you are but love people of the same gender

transgendered means that you are not happy with being the gender you are, and believe that you are the opposite gender inside

[Westegg]

33. HUGE diff., but since I'm neither I'll let the experts chime in.

[ldf]

50. apples and oranges

no relationship whatsoever. two entirely different things.

do a little research.

[murielm99]

26. Go to your local PFLAG chapter.

Go on your own, and if possible, get your father to go with you.

If it is not possible to attend meetings, get their newsletter.

They have people to talk to who know what the fuck is going on.

I don't think all that many people really understand what it is to be transgendered. Get some real life support.

Where is your mom in all this? Are they together?

We will support you here, but I don't think we are necessarily all you need.

Hugs to you and your dad.

[Placebo]

36. What in the HELL are the chances that he would be TG and I AM GAY???

Did his crazy TG genes make me gay, i don't get it.

[gollygee]

40. There isn't a relationship between your sexuality or gender identification

and his.

*HUGS*

I'm not an expert on this but I am very close to some people who are. I know just enough to recommend that you look into PFLAG. I agree completely with whoever suggested that above. They probably even have a hotline where you could talk to someone right now.

Everything will be ok but you need time to work through this. And support. PFLAG can answer your questions and give you support.

Edited to say: I'm not speaking of genetics - I know nothing about that. I mean that your sexuality is one thing and his is another.

[politicat]

43. no.

We don't know enough about the genetics of sexuality and gender to make a prediction.

Don't worry about it. There are straight children of gay parents, gay children of straight parents, gay children of gay parents, straight children of straight parents, straight children of trans parents.... you get this...

Your genetics are nothing you can control or should worry about. You can't change them.

Politicat

(check your PM box.)

[Placebo]

44. thanks

(check ur inbox)

[Cheswick2.0]

46. Whatever your feelings are you are entitled to them...including anger

You can not ignore your feelings just because someone (including you) has decided they are not appropriate. Your father is having a really hard transition in his life, but so are you. I am not saying be hateful etc... as a gay man this is unlikely anyway. (and isn't your Dad lucky to have a gay son who already knows about society's prejudice?) I am saying give yourself permission to mourn, to be confused, to be angry...whatever the emotions are, they are yours.

[jonnyblitz]

47. excellent advice.

:thumbsup:

[Placebo]

48. i am pissed

[medeak]

49. definitely

this is a lot like a death I would think...there has to be some grieving as well.

Keep writing...it's obvious you have a talent there...you may be able to tell your story to others?

[Bombtrack]

51. wow,

[Guy Fawkes]

52. This is no laughing matter, but...

perhaps you might break the ice by telling a joke next time you see him?

[MaryBear]

53. Follow the good advice of

Hell, and others who recommended resources. Do talk soon with someone, and make sure s/he is knowledgeable and comfortable with LGBT issues. Not an easy one for anyone in your family, including your father. Most likely that's why he took the email communication route with you.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

:hug:

GB

[mitchtv]

54. I wish I could tell you something that hasn't already been said

I heard lots of good advice here. You are young, gay , and smart. You will do the right thing. As an older gay man, I can only offer my sincerest best wishes to you,and your family. Truth being out, things should get better.