Should I tell my gf...

[Jack_Dawson]

about my fling? It happened once and I'll never see her again. I'd rather not mention it but I also hate lying. She's in a fragile state right now about unrelated matters. Ahhhh sweet guilt.

[neuvocat]

1. Just let it wait for now.

That fragile state of hers might just send you to the hospital.

[pagerbear]

2. Why are you telling DU about your fling?

[SheepyMcSheepster]

3. did this fling happen while you were committed to your gf?

[LastKnight]

being truthful is best. but if she cant take it right now... wait. nt

[Fenris]

4. A few factors

1) How far did your fling go?

2) How fragile is your girl friend? You may want to put this off.

3) How long ago did it occur?

[Magrittes Pipe]

5. I hate to sound devious, BUT...

...if she could find out some other way? Tell her. It'll be better coming from you (she may dump your ass, but it will hurt her less than finding out that you've been hiding it from her).

If she's not going to find out from anyone else? Shut the fuck up. Don't hurt her, don't hurt yourself.

[Liberal Veteran]

6. To what end? Don't saddle her with it to ease your guilt.

If you value this relationship, just put it behind you and LEARN from it.

[Jack_Dawson]

8. Good point...

[Bunny]

13. You took the words right off of my keyboard.

Don't saddle her with this just so you can relieve your own guilt.

One question, tho: did you have protected sex? Because if there is ANY chance that you could pass an STD on to your GF, you need to bring it up.

[trof]

31. bunnyj, it makes me feel good

to see a woman weigh in on this side.
You are a smart lady, but we already knew that.
:thumbsup:

[Bunny]

43. That's high praise, coming from one such as youself, trof!

But I agree with you, I'm surprised at the number of people who think he should confess. If it truly was a one-time thing, and he learns from it, what is the point of confessing? If there is no STD, and no pregnancy, his guilt will be punishment enough.

[trof]

29. BINGO!

Eggzackly.

[Mojambo]

7. It doesn't have to be right away

But it absolutely DOES have to happen eventually. IMO

[Commendatori]

9. Fine, you screwed up, but

nothing - and I mean NOTHING - good can come of telling her. Just don't do it again, and get yourself tested before you sleep with your gf again.

[Liberal Veteran]

11. I second that. Learn from it and take it to your grave.

Sometimes ignorance IS bliss.

[redqueen]

10. If you were emotionally involved I would say yes.

Since it was a fling, I think it would be cruel to tell her.

[bigwillq]

12. Don't tell at this time

Since you did say she was in a "fragile state", don't add to her troubles.

[rbnyc]

14. Don't tell.

It may help you with your guilt, but it will only hurt her. Find another way to deal with your guilt, also do forgive yourself, and just move on.

The only reason to tell someone you've had a fling is if it's an ongoing problem and you need support in your decision to join sexual compulsives anonymous, or if it's an ongoing fling and you intend to break up with your partner. (Or if you weren't safe and may be spreading disease.)

[Worst Username Ever]

15. That is what deathbeds are for. n/t

[smada]

16. I thought you were going to say

that you were gay and had an affair with a foreign staffer.

[WinterStorm]

17. I would dump a mans ass if I found out

I am serious if he didn't tell me in advance and it was a Jerry Springer type of situation where the woman shows up with a kid in her arms or something like that I would dump the man at that point and I would kick his ass prior to dumping him.

[TX-RAT]

18. It happened once and I'll never see her again

Nothing ever go's away forever. Thing always have a way of coming back and biting you on the ass.

[Raven]

19. If I was your gf, I would want to know

for the following reasons: 1) if you had sex, was it protected? 2) is this likely to happen again? Two very important questions that only your gf can make a judgment on. Maybe wait until she is in better spirits, but tell her eventually

[liontamer]

20. absolutely not

don't make her suffer your guilt

[rene moon]

21. One question

Why did you have a fling? I've been on the receiving end of a former boyfriend's flings (twice, different guys). So I am curious why you did it.

BTW, it hurts either way.

[newsguyatl]

22. you cheated on her recently?

yes, you should absolutely tell her.

maybe not while she's in a "fragile state" but you should no doubt tell her.

if you don't, and you let it slide, you WILL do it again. that's a given.

[Placebo]

23. YES YOU SHOULD.

The trust in your relationship is now broken, she needs to know that. It's incredibly mean-spirited and unfair to her NOT to know.

[Amaya]

24. Tell the damn truth.

[VOX]

25. Your GF is an adult. She deserves to know, and to act on the information.

If she goes apeshit, and/or leaves you, or is okay with it, whatever, that is her right. Withholding this information from her is tantamount to lying, since it puts her in a subordinate position in the relationship by denying her an equal input into the partnership -- you are holding cards right now that she can't see. Sorry, but this isn't about your guilt exclusively. It's about the both of you, and whether you two survive or perish as a committed couple.

Sounds like this happened recently. But regardless, if this "fling" occurred while you both were committed to each other, you have betrayed a trust you share with your GF -- specifically, not to do anything that would cause harm or hurt to one another, or to jeopardize your honest, committed relationship.

Shoe on other foot: Say your GF had a "fling." Would you want to know? Would you think you have a right to know? Would you want to make some decisions based upon this information?

[Liberal Veteran]

27. I can't say I agree with that completely.

Many experts in the field of marriage say one thing while other's say the opposite.

I do agree a trust has been broken, but each situation MUST be taken on its own.

I take the viewpoint that IF you learned from your indiscretion, then you might be better off not telling. Your punishment for doing so is living with the guilt of it. In a marriage situation where there was a one time thing, I'd probably say it isn't worth the hardship it would bring to both people to confess it.

On the other hand, we are talking girlfriend here. So the situation may be different.

[VOX]

35. You speak wisely, l_v.

I tend to take a hard line on these things as, several years ago, I was involved in a very messy situation in a committed relationship.
I was all set to leave, but we did work it out eventually, and we did stay together (got married, in fact).

It sounds corny, but it always seems to boil down to honest and open communication. In my case, my then-GF got involved elsewhere because I was inattentive for numerous reasons (some legit, some not). How much neater things would have been if she had expressed that to me directly. At that point, we'd been together long enough that I could "just tell" that she was off elsewhere. I called her on it, and, to her credit, she fessed up. We went through two years of counseling, developed skills that hadn't been brought to the fore, and developed a profound respect for each other.

I can honestly say that relationships gone wrong can be reconfigured (as opposed to repaired) in a way that it's possible to go foward together and share a happy life.

Whew. Off soap box now. :toast:

[Liberal Veteran]

40. You would think I would be a hard-liner too....

...since I got HIV from a boyfriend who cheated on me. In that case, it was a person who was constantly cheating on me with people behind my back and I broke it off as soon as I found out. Too late for me unfortunately.

In a case where there is habitual cheating. Absolutely the person who was cheated on must be told.

A one time thing, however, I think there are times when keeping a secret close to your heart and vowing never to let yourself get into that position again might be the better way to go.

I wouldn't want my boyfriend of 15 years to cheat on me, but if he did, I don't think I'd want to know about it because I am a personality that would spiral right into depression and self-doubt to the point that it would likely poison what we do have together which is pretty damn good.

[VOX]

46. Your stakes were undeniably higher. So glad that you've moved...

Upward and onward in all healty respects.

I, too, am willing to flex my hard-line stance to allow for silence about the absolute-one-time-stray. I'm with you about the habitual cheating, or affairs, etc. There's just too much at stake.

Congrats on your 15 years with your b/f! My wife and I have been together 11 years (and we were friends before that for a couple of years).

Nice to know that relationships can make it through the long haul. Before this, I couldn't make a relationship last for more than three years!

Best to you -- :toast:

[trof]

26. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Suck it up and zip it.
This from a guy who's been happily married for 35 years.
Believe me, a marriage is no place to play "True Confessions", especially for a one time fall from grace.

Given the right time and place and the right person and the right moon-phase and the right amount of booze and whatever else comes in to play, we are all susceptible.

This happened to a friend of mine over 30 years ago. Nice wife and nice little kid. He confessed his "sin" to me one night and his desire to confess to his wife. I said "not just NO, HELL NO!"
I guess he just couldn't live with the self-imposed guilt trip, so he told all. It took her about three days to find a very good divorce lawyer and the lovely little family was no more. He was a nice guy, and a good dad.

I got engaged at the same time I started my career as an airline pilot. You've heard the tales. The opportunities are certainly there and that's ALL I'll say about that.

The future Miz t. sat me down for a serious talk one evening. "How's it gonna be when you're out flying around with all those cute young honeys (this was a long time ago)?"

I replied that I really couldn't answer because I'd never done that/been there before. I just reassured her that of all the girls and women I'd dated (and there had been a lot), she was the only one I cared enough about to ask to share my life. I said that I couldn't sit there and tell her that I would be as pure as the driven snow for the rest of my life because I hadn't lived the rest of my life yet. This may sound cold, but it was completely honest. Truth is good in a marriage, but don't you ever confuse truth with the confessional.

The future Miz t. replied "OK, I know you're being totally honest with me. Just don't ever come home and play 'true confessions' with me. If you're gonna feel guilty about something you do when you're on a trip then either don't do it, or live with it. I don't want to hear about it."
I think that was a very mature attitude, especially for a 23 year old.

Ever since, she has asked me no questions, and I have told her no lies. I ain't sayin' I did, and I ain't sayin' I didn't. I'm just saying that it's been a mostly great 35 years for both of us and our lovely daughter and we're still happily together and we love our two year old grandson.

[Jack_Dawson]

39. That is a great story - seriously

Honest and open. Like it.

[trof]

41. Thanks. Like they say, "it is what it is." eom

[trof]

28. I can't believe some of the answers I'm seeing here.

I'm not meaning to yank your collective chains, but how old are you people and how long have you been married? How much do you really understand about relationships?

If the spouse never learns of an indiscretion, then the spouse is not hurt. Once the spouse knows, there will ALWAYS be that knowledge, that hurt, and that nagging doubt.

If the erring spouse cares anything about their partner, they will find the inner strength and intestinal fortitude to just bury it.
"My bad" and press on. If it affects you this much, then that's a great reason to never do it again.
jeez
:eyes:

[Amaya]

33. I was married for quite a long time to man who liked his 'flings'

So.... 'flings' are ok? Just bury them?

[Liberal Veteran]

37. No. There is a difference between a one time mistake and habitual cheats.

A person who habitually cheats SHOULD tell the truth.

A person who did something really stupid one time and is beating themselves up over it and learned from it should keep silent.

[Liberal Veteran]

34. Bingo. I don't THINK my partner of 15 years has ever cheated, but...

...I also know myself well enough to know that if he did, I don't want to know about it because I would obsess myself to death about it.

I think in the long run, both of us would be worse off for the confession because I wouldn't be able to shrug it off and it would affect how I treated him and probably drive a permanent wedge between us.

[trof]

42. There ya go.

It's kind of like the tree-falls-in-the-forest thing.
If the tree is the only witness, so to speak, then....?

[VOX]

44. "Just bury it" --This lets the straying partner off the hook too easily...

The straying partner, having enjoyed the guilty buzz of sex outside the partnership, can then claim the illusion of a moral high ground by having the "intestinal fortitude" to zip up (his mouth) and spare his partner any hurt. The common falsehood is that if nothing is spoken, then "nothing happened," or that the betrayed partner is "uninvolved."

But hell, yes, something it did happen. Partners truly tuned into each other can often detect something's off without even prying. (In my case, I sure did.)

I will grant you that silence over a single, lone indiscretion may be the exception to my hard-line stance. But more often it seems to be serial incidents -- so-called "affairs" outside the relationship. It's not long before feelings develop within the affairs, and things get truly messy.

If the straying spouse cares anything about his/her partner, he/she will not elect to be dishonest, or do anything that will jeopardize the relationship in the first place. If he/she does stray, he/she should face the consequences of that decision. It could be a shotgun, it could be a marriage counselor, it could be simple forgiveness. (IMO, *that's* fortitude.)

BTW, I'm plenty old enough to have been through this, and have worked hard, and survived the worst that can happen in relationships. And the best.
:toast:

[trof]

49. OK, we agree to disagree.

And I still love ya and will drink a heartfelt toast at your birthdays and anniversaries.
:toast:

It sounds to me like you think someone needs to be punished.
You did bad, and so you should suffer some kind of consequences for your bad behavior. Life ain't like that. I have done bad things that I got off scot free for. Most of us have. I believe in karma, somewhat, but I'm damned thankful it ain't an immutable law.

I would submit that the magic chemistry, or too much strong drink, or whatever, that sometimes takes place between man and woman (or man and man, or woman and woman) who are otherwise committed by the state and/or church is just unfathomable.

I don't tend to dwell on it too much, neither in myself or others. The knowledge of whether or not I have experienced indiscretions of any kind is mine, and mine alone, to know. Given that, who have I hurt, if anyone? Not me. I'm fine with whatever trespasses I may or may not have committed. I certainly have not harmed anyone related to me by blood or marriage.

I would invoke the Hippocratic Oath..."First, do no harm."
And I've done none.
My conscience is clear.

[MissAnnThrope]

53. Bingo!

Telling her about it would do nothing but hurt the relationship. She will take on the attitude of once a cheater, always a cheater.

If living with his guilt will keep him from ever doing this again, GOOD! It's a hard lesson learned and as long as protection was used, no chance of her showing up 9 months later with a lawyer and a newborn in arms, there is no point in hurting a woman in a fragile state. Not to mention, I've known several people who have found out about flings and affairs and consider it permission to go out and do it themselves.

Live with the guilt, Jack. Let it be a lesson and keep how you feel right now in mind, should you ever have the urge to stray again.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

30. If you think you can pull it off successfully, yes.

Otherwise, no.

[Cuban_Liberal]

32. "Go forth, and sin no more..."

Do NOT tell her. It would serve no purpose...

[guitar man]

36. Bury it

And then bury the shovel. As long as the sex was protected and you're sure there aren't any diseases involved or a possible pregnancy that could come back to haunt you.

Make a mental note that if you do it again, you may need to think about counseling for sexual compulsion. Hell, anyone can make one mistake, just make sure it doesn't become a lifestyle.

Good luck.

[IronLionZion]

38. follow your god damn heart man!

If you tell her and she forgives you, then she's a keeper!

[achtung_circus]

45. Tell her

1) this is your girlfriend, not your wife. The arguments about saving a relationship are less valid IMHO than if you had a long marriage and children to consider

2) it's called informed consent. She consents to be your girlfriend based on an unwritten, perhaps unspoken contract between you. If you are breaking the contract she has a right to know.

3) we can rationalize anything if we are given time. Forget the "share your guilt" bullshit. If your GF is truly fragile then you may postpone, but examine whether you are using this as an excuse not to tell her. "To thine own self be true and it shall follow as the night the day thou canst be false to no man."

4) Don't develop a habit of lying.

[elfrangel]

47. Sweet Guilt????

Sounds like it's giving you heartburn at least....

Anyway, I've been on both sides of this issue. I have the one cheated on and I have been the one "he" cheated with. Having said that...The statement ignorance is bliss is, well, ignorant.

It hurt when I found out, but it hurt more because I found out from others. It cost me more than I care to talk about, suffice to say, I found out who my friends REALLY were. As the other woman though, secrecy is good....but your delusional thinking that no one gets hurt that way (look at my previous statement).

Actions like this one have a way of coming back to haunt you..and sooner or later, she'll find something out...wouldn't you rather it was from you? After all, you were there and know what ACTUALLY happened.

[niceperson]

48. don't make her suffer

to make yourself feel better. Make sure she never finds out.

[Tredge]

50. Truth Will Out

My reply will be unpopular, judging by the results so far.

1) There will never be a good time to tell her. Now is a bad time to tell her because she's already down, and the news would make it so much worse. When she's up and happy again it will be a bad time to tell her because she's gotten over that past unpleasantness and deserves a little happiness for a change.

2) Some of the posters here have encouraged Jack_Dawson that because he has screwed up, he can do penance by bearing all the guilt. That does not fly at all. To paraphrase, he can mitigate the guilt he's going to feel in this whole thing by taking all the guilt for it. That is a dodge, and I submit to the council, an course equal in (im)maturity as the original mistake.

3) I am incredulous that the motivation for not telling her is to spare her feelings. At the least I cannot believe that is the first reason for keeping the info away from her. I believe the core purpose for continued deception could only be self-protection.

4) Like it says in my subject line, I'm a firm believer in "truth will out." I suppose that we all form our theory of the world while we grow up and develop our personalities, and this was one of the beliefs I developed watching lies bite people in the ass.

5) I keep it to myself = I live with guilt = bad
I tell her = I take on guilt = bad
I keep it, she finds out = I get exponential guilt = bad^3

6) So my advice is, tell her immediately. The thing is done, and the secret will be like a dead raccoon under the house. Sooner or later someone's going to notice the smell, and by the time they do who is going to want to crawl under there and deal with it?

[trof]

52. Naw, Tredge.

I'm 63. I have secrets I will carry to the grave. And they have absolutely nothing to do with the subject at hand. They're just things I know that would hurt the people involved. I choose not to hurt them.
This ain't rocket science.

[Donkeyboy75]

51. Don't tell her.

Were you in a committed monogamous relationship? I assume you were. But, dude, you're a bit of an ass for doing what you did.

However, I can actually believe that you wouldn't tell her because you want to spare her feelings. If something like this happens again you should end or amend the relationship, because something ain't working. Good luck.