A Weepy Night. (Family Issues - Long)

[IdaBriggs]

Had a fight with my mother this morning. To be fair, its been a continuous, ongoing fight, and it really isn't her fault.

Its killing me.

I love her so much, but I am so MAD at her. I have been dealing with "old trauma" from my childhood, and every time I think I am "done now" it comes up and slaps me in the face.

She's apologized already. I've accepted it. Things were rotten and stuff happened that shouldn't have, and she's sorry she was a "bad mother" and its just not good enough.

I feel HAPPIER when I'm not dealing with my family, so then I think everything is fine again, and BAM! Smacked in the face with the reality of the rottenness of some of my relatives.

The most unpleasant part was dealing with how I'd been lying to myself so I could maintain relationships with these people. I always mentally explained away their horrible behavior, and just did everything I could do so I didn't have to see how my mother was contributing to the problems. The big question is "why can't I just get along?" which translates to "let's go back to pretending everything is fine, while we continue to treat you badly because you'll forgive us, just like you always do, and nothing has to change because WE are all fine."

I miscarried my third pregnancy three months ago, and am hitting an "anniversary" date for my first pregnancy loss three years ago. We've been trying for almost six years. Instead of receiving support during any of this, I'm still coping with the repercussions of fighting a full fledged battle with half the relatives over coping with a beloved teenage niece's heroin addiction. (Her mother/my step-sister passed away at the end of December, her biological father has been dead from heroin for years, and her common-law step-father is an active alcoholic.) After she totaled out a car on I-75 by rolling it a few times, my niece ended up in rehab, then publicly relapsed at Easter dinner two weeks later. My husband and I missed that little episode, but I caught the instant replay a couple of weeks later. Less than ten days later my father bought her a new car, and the fight ensued because I was insisting she be drug tested as part of the condition of driving it. Two of my sisters, my father, and the drug addict all thought this was unreasonable, and despite the fact I was losing my baby, I was "cast out" of the family because of being "unreasonable."

Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but you had to be there. We even went to a professional who said I was making sense, but that didn't matter. My father has tried to make peace since, but since I can't trust a damn word he says due to his history of lying (which he did again by promising to drug test the niece as a condition of making peace, but then "changed his mind" after I had kept my part of the difficult bargain) I'm not all that interested. My niece and I made some sort of peace, most likely because we put money away for her college which she now wants (and she's being drug tested as a condition of current living arrangement). And, I haven't heard from either of my two BITCH sisters since, except when one of them told me I wasn't allowed around her children anymore because of HER drug use. (That's the sister whose house payment we made for six months last year; she didn't speak to us last summer because I was nervy enough to ask her to fix a spaghetti thank you celebration dinner when the house finally sold -- apparently, that was unforgivably rude of me!)

My rage at my mother comes up because she is trying to be "neutral" and just pretends nothing is wrong with how they treat me. I'm an adult now, so my relationships with them are separate from her relationship with them. I agree with this intellectually. Unfortunately, since I'm struggling with the past abuse issues where she didn't take a stand, and I'm feeling isolated and unsupported by family in general, it just feels like I'm completely INVISIBLE with no one ever standing up for me when I am treated unfairly.

God, I know I'm an adult and I don't NEED anyone to stick up for me, but it hurts so much that she doesn't. She knew how much I wanted that baby, and she knew how they treated me, and why. I hate her so much at the moment -- mainly because it hurts so much. And yet, I still love her, if you know what I mean, except I don't ever want anything to do with her ever again as long as I live because she's a betraying bitch who doesn't stand up for me....?

So I'm crying, and my husband isn't around because he's off doing a "guy's night out" and I'm just being a mess. Its been a long day.

Ida

[richmwill]

1. Sorry to hear about that

But it's good to vent- Thank you for allowing us to hear your problems. You know you're around friends here. :)

[IdaBriggs]

3. Thank you.

I appreciate the support. I needed to stop crying for a while, hence the trip to the computer. I wish I could be "cured" now...:)

[SoDesuKa]

2. Family Matters

Once you are an adult, your association with your family is voluntary. You don't have to make a dramatic scene with them, but it sounds like they aren't respecting your boundaries. Distance yourself from them. "Mandatory" family get-togethers will become optional, and optional get-togethers won't bring you there any more.

You have the right not to be hurt.

[IdaBriggs]

4. "Right not to be hurt."

What a novel concept! :) But am I being hurt because I'm "neglected" as in "not feeling supported" or is it just "old stuff" I need to get over? After all, my most recent complaint of "invisibility" started three months ago!

[SoCalDem]

6. You can choose your friends but not your family

I came from a very toxic family, and I just gave myself permission to "divorce them".. It does get "weird" when there is a death in the family, and you must re-connect (out of propriety), but your peace of mind is what's important..

When my mother died a few years ago, my sister did not even tell me that she was ill (we had been estranged for about 6 years)...so I have to llive with the fact that , even though I know I would have gone to see her and would have once again, swallowed my pride to "make up"..I did not get that chance because I removed myself from the family..

There's too much "guts & gore" to tell here, but suffice it to say, with both parents gone now, I am sure that any contact with the two brothers and the sister, will never happen..and I am ok with it..

I have my own circle of friends and my husband and kids, and that's enough..

The "real" family was just too toxic to tolerate..

Give yourself permission to do what's best for YOU !!

[IdaBriggs]

9. Its an adjustment....

and I think I'm working towards it. My husband was being driven nuts for years because of my REFUSAL to see the "toxic" parts of the relationships. I was just so used to being treated "badly" that it didn't occur to me to expect anything different. On the "oddly enough" scale, it was my step-sister's death that was the loud wake-up call. (The quieter ones that year -- the house payment stuff, the drug smells, and Christmas, for example, were "ignored" by me.) If I hadn't been on twelve times my normal hormone levels, I probably would have just ignored the final straw (which I won't go into here), but fortunately (?), I was, and that's when I started to see that it wasn't ME who was unreasonable -- it was MY FAMILY! <gasp!>

[girl gone mad]

15. I agree completely.

You have to divorce yourself, at the very least emotionally. I wasted so many years trying to please my parents, hiding my true feelings, suppressing old issues.

Though I still carry the pain of the past, I finally feel like a real person now that I've been on my own for years and managed to detatch myself psychologically.

I had a revelation while trying to console my mom after my father died a few weeks ago, and that was that she is very self-absorbed (as was my dad). It sounds as if your mom and dad might have the same flaw.

Your energy is better spent on yourse;f and your husband.

[SoDesuKa]

16. Hostile Act

<<When my mother died a few years ago, my sister did not even tell me that she was ill>>

That's an extremely hostile thing to do. You have the right to be angry about it. She should have told you. She sounds creepy.

[Pithlet]

5. I've had multiple miscarriages.

It is one of those silent tragedies that no one who's never been through one can understand. Because there was no visible pregnancy or baby, a lot of people think it's no big deal. You tend to grieve alone, and that's the sad truth. The first time I had one, I found out that many of my female relatives had been through one as well, and I'd never known it, my mother included. I still think about what might have been, and I still feel pain. But, as far as everyone else close in my life, it's like it's like they never happened. Don't ever let anyone minimize what you've been through. :hug:

I'm so sorry that everything is a mess with your family right now. The people we love can be the biggest pains in the butt.

[IdaBriggs]

7. Thank you.

...for your kindness. Your note made me start crying again! I've never been one to hold much of a grudge (read: ignored bad behavior) but I am definitely torching one this time. I think they are all just waiting for me to forget about it. I'm not willing to do that this time. If I had to go through this much HELL to approach healthier behavior, then BY GOD it will be worth it! This time, I'm NOT going to "forget!"

The stupid thing was, if I hadn't been told that morning that we were losing the pregnancy, I wouldn't have fought so hard for drug testing my niece. I was so scared for her -- I kept saying, "I don't want to attend her funeral!" when the other family members were asking why I was making such a big deal about it. If I'd still been pregnant, I don't think I would have been willing to "stress" myself over the situation. I know that sounds selfish, but its the truth.

[Pithlet]

11. Oh, hon

I didn't mean to make you cry again :hug: I think your family could have at least cut you some slack on the day that you suffered so. And you care about your niece. I'd question the wisdom of buying her another car without finding out if she's kicked the habit, myself.

[IdaBriggs]

12. You are so sweet!

Thank you again. Most (sane) people did and do question the wisdom of the car purchase, especially because she'd been publicly strung out at my parents' home less than ten days before in a very noticeable fashion. My father was trying to be the "good grandpa" and he really wanted to believe she wasn't going to do drugs anymore because she "promised" she wouldn't. It was very difficult not laughing at him several days later when the counselor told him "drug addicts lie!" because I'd been chanting it for days as justification for drug testing. At one point my niece told me that if she started using again, it was going to be my fault. Fortunately, I'm fairly sane (!) and my reply back was that I couldn't stop her from putting a needle into her arm, but if she tested positive, she wasn't going to be driving. (That was before the last time my father weaseled out of making her do it.) It was a really, really, really bad week, and things didn't get much better the rest of the month afterward. I thought I was doing better, and then things kind of blew up today...but I'm feeling much calmer now!!! :hug:

[mykpart]

8. I have mother issues too,

so I'm not taking up for your mother. But I am also the mother of more than one adult child, and it is very difficult for me when they fight with each other.

I know it is hard to forgive when the person you are forgiving continues to do stuff. (that's my problem!) There is a saying, "Don't go to a dry well for water," which means, don't expect your mother to stand up for you - she's not capable of it. So do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from the other toxic family members, and don't feel guilty about it.

[IdaBriggs]

10. I understand intellectually...

...but I'm having trouble implementing it EMOTIONALLY. She's not going to stand up for me; okay, I get that. But it feels so much WORSE when she spends weeks vacationing with them. I just can't separate it in my head at this point, no matter how unreasonable I think I'm being. (Whiny, huh?)

[mykpart]

14. Yeah, but if you let it upset you that much then they win.

An exercise I do is to list the facts that support how I feel and then list facts that refute what I feel. It forces me to think rationally rather than emotionally.

[IdaBriggs]

13. Thank you -- all of you.

I feel better now, and I appreciate the support you've all given me this evening. My husband just came home, and I'm going to bed. Thank you so much for listening and sharing -- it really helped!!!

Warm Regards,
Ida M. Briggs

[Bat Boy]

17. They say you can't choose your family...

They're wrong.

I came from a pretty toxic family. I have little contact with them now, and I have found a wealth of love and support in the close group of friends who fill the role my family couldn't.

It sucks when family members can't seem to extend empathy beyond their own noses. That's not your fault, although it seems to have become your problem.

Letting go of the toxic people in your life is traumatic for a time, but you eventually move on and find the comfort and support you need in others, who will also benefit from the obvious compassion you have to offer.

Traumatic, for a time. It ends. Keeping the toxic relationships can be an ongoing trauma, without an apparent end.

Good luck, and by all means, lean on DU if you need. Many have, and it's a damn supportive group.