Should I contact my brother? Would you?

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

I am 33, my brother is 31. He is married and his wife is going to have a baby in just a couple of weeks. I only know this because of an uncle I am still in touch with.

I won't go into the long sordid story but we haven't been in touch (his choice, though I wasn't too upset about it) in about three or four years. Relationship a bit rocky for years before that.

Growing up, he was always compared unfavorably to me. I always hated that our parents did that to him, but he grew up in my shadow as a result. I loved the SHIT out of him, I was very protective and loving of him always. I thought of him as mine and we were very close as kids (I am female, by the way).

He was kind of messed up on drugs in his twenties, I don't know if he is now or not, but I kinda doubt it, seeing as they have bought a house and he's had the same good job for several years now. His wife is nice, a lot younger than him, but nice.

I found his address and phone number. He lives just one city to my west. Should I contact him? I want to send a gift to his new baby, my first niece or nephew, but I want to see if its ok first.

Would you call? I'm not in touch with any of our four parents anymore (long story, that) and I know he's not in touch with two of them and doubt he's in very good contact with the other two, so maybe we can finally start over without the long shadow of dysfunctional parents hanging over us???

Edited to add even though I deny it to most people who know me, I miss him horribly and if I think about him too long, I cry. We were best buds as kids, what happened???

[commander bunnypants]

1. yes try

time heals all wounds

Good luck

DDQM

[luaneryder]

No, time doesn't

Almost six years after the death of my son my wound is not healed. Time only softens the edges of grief.

[GOPisEvil]

2. Might as well reach out...maybe you can re-establish your relationship.

[luaneryder]

4. Even if rebuffed,

your heart will know you made the effort and you can perhaps find some peace.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

10. True

and very very good point. I really don't have any peace with this. I mean I don't think about it often, but it's always there in my subconscious, just bugging me.

[AlCzervik]

3. You might want to sit down and write him a letter first.

Maybe break the ice a little.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

6. Problem is

he does NOT write back. He just isn't a letter writing person. So I wouldn't ever know his reaction, whether it was "fuck you" or "hey how great, my long lost sister wrote me!", or something in between like "eh, I think I hve gas"......I'd have no clue.

Normally I do prefer the letter to break the ice approach, but I saw how well that worked with my sister in law when she tried to write her brother, who is my husband. He read it. Put it on his dresser. Never wrote her back or called. Still cheesed at her. Permanently it seems (they had a big falling out in 2000).

I can certainly mull over that idea.....though I come off better on the phone....

[AlCzervik]

11. Well, he may call you after he gets your letter

instead of nothing at all, you could also enclose a self addressed stamped envelope as well. just a thought, better to try and fail than not try at all.

[Gildor Inglorion]

5. Yes, reach out

You'll always regret it if you don't. Even if he rejects your overtures, you will be no worse off than you are now.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

8. Very good point

at least I'll know.

And I know he'll never reach out to me. He just isn't "that type". He'd rather just let inertia take over, know what I mean?

Thanks...

[k in IA]

7. I think you should go for it and try to establish a healthier relationship

now that the people making those unhealthy and damaging comparisons are out of the picture (even if 2 of them are not totally gone).

[Momof1]

9. Try sending him a card first

And in the card ask him if they need anything specific for the baby. Put your phone number in there, then the ball is in his court.

I know how you feel, I am in the same position as you. I haven't talked to my brother for 5 yrs. We are only 13 mos. apart in age.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

13. I would SO love to do that

but I know he would never call. He isn't a person to reach out, he doesn't call or write even people that he is in touch with.

Sigh. But you know that is a good idea. Maybe I could even call and just talk to his wife, whom I met briefly before they got married. She seemed rather nice and sensible. I can ask if there is anything they need for the baby!

Now I am all excited and nervous guys!!!!

[jukes]

16. Moonbeam

don't live in anxiety. give him a call.

you might get your feelings hurt, but you'll know. If he's a jerk about it, move on.

[Momof1]

22. Thats it !!

Call the wife. She will know exactly what they need, plus if there is a chance to heal the relationship, she could be a big help.

(I wish I could use that approach with my brother, but in my case...the wife is the problem)

[pacalo]

12. Yes!

It's the right thing to do & it'll make both of you feel better. Forget about the past, there's nothing you can do about it. Work on the future & show your brother that he does matter. It's really sad when parents compare children; it can leave lifelong scars on the belittled child, causing him to think he's not as worthy as the praised one. Keep that in mind, allow him his feelings, & do what you can to make him feel loved.

[rustydog]

14. Send a gift via mail.

On the card, tell him how happy you are for him and wish him the best in this new life direction.
Ask him to call or write you because you love him and miss him.

Maybe it will not happen, or perhaps you guys will write each other at first then later on meet and get to know each other again.

Good luck

I'm trying to get my little brother to talk with our father..it is not fun what you are going through.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

15. On the writing a letter thing

Write it but don't send it..to get in touch with your own feelings..what you would say...how you would respond etc...I will bet that even if he is a piss ant the first time out, he wants to be with you..I don't know why you were estranged in the first place or if it was just his way from getting out from under your shadow, but I'd imagine he wants to share his baby with you and probably WANTS to have some roots to refer to...a lot will depend on how you relate to him...those experiences your parents dumped on you probably carried into his interpretations in life as well where you might be viewed as a villian or opressor or barrier to him..it wasn't YOU..it was probably just how it played out for him...but a birth (like a death) is a significant emotional event...one that brings up our family for us...my guess is that he will probably be glad to have you back in his life...I certainly hope so. Good luck.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

18. Good advice

I hope what you said is true. Yeah he seemed to blame me for how our parents treated him. I was always baffled by that, but he took it out on me big-time, as often as he could. That's why when he cut off contact about three years ago, I wasn't too upset about it. He had major anger management problems, emotional problems, I thought he should most definitely be in counseling (but I never said so, that would have set him off something fierce) and he was smoking pot heavily and even dabbled with cocaine.

From what I hear from my uncle, he has cleaned up considerably and is doing well in his job. I really didn't expect his marriage to make it more than two years and it has.

I think I will write a letter that is not to send, then maybe send a card with my phone number and address and a gift for the baby.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

17. Damn

his number is apparently unlisted. I have the complete address, including zip code and have called directory assistance twice and there is no listing for him or that address or his wife's name at all.

Sigh.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

19. I would proceed cautiously here

I think you should make an effort to reach out and contact your brother -don't allow what has come between you to prevent you from trying to re-establish contact.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but it's possible that he may have some resentment toward you because he was compared unfavourably to you. Or he may not. I know a few cases of the former but even more cases of the latter. And time can sometimes heal wounds -especially if he's moved on in life and considers that he has a successful life and career (which by all indications he does).

But tread cautiously here -don't send a gift to his newborn child immediately. Touch base with him by means of letter, card or a phone call. See if he's interested. If so, then gradually build the relationship from there. But don't push too hard too soon -I know that the temptation may become overwhelming. Take it one day at a time and build on it step by step

And in the unfortunate event that he decides not to resume contact with you or is uninterested, don't give up all hope permanently. Leave him be, keep updated on his progress through a third party and evaluate ways that you can make contact further down the track

Just my own views and instincts on the situation. But then again I'm not an expert so seek the counsel and advice of others -including those who know him at the present time and what his feelings may be

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

20. Thank you

and you are very correct when you say he was very resentful of me. He told me so, many times. God the stories I could tell. Even teachers who had me would get him and compare him unfavorably to me. The kid could never do right. I felt so sorry for him, but was pretty powerless to stop all the negative comparisons.

They sent me to college, they didn't send him. Neither of us were treated very well (abuse and neglect) but he was treated like a fourth-class citizen. It always broke my heart.

When we were adults, our stepfather hired both of us at the family company, a very successful business. I was put into sales, my brother was hired to sweep the warehouse floors. When asked why my stepfather said "she has a college degree, you don't". Well damn, they didn't even help him or encourage him to go to school!!!

That job situation just amplified everything for him, I think. He decided to half-ass do his job (because why bother?) and I tried to understand and reach out but he would just lash out at me. Finally one day I got sick of all of it, being constantly rebuffed, told him to go to hell and he smashed a glass bowl on the back of my head. I had to have stitches. We were 28 and 26 at the time. Whew.

He was horrified at what he had done, quit that job and went to work elsewhere. But he got into drugs deeper at that point. Our other parents (dad and stepmom) tried valiantly to "save" him and they even paid for him to go to college, but he flunked out after a semester and started drifting from all of us at that point....

[HuckleB]

21. Yes, I think you'll be happy you did it.

Regardless of the outcome.

Best to you and your family. I hope things go well.

Salud!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

23. Call him after

you've composed the letter that Nothingshocksmeanymore suggested. You might break the ice with a line like, "I hear you're going to be a Dad. I really want to see you and meet your wife before the baby arrives. Can we meet for lunch?"

Make sure you let him know that you were always angry with the way your parents compared you as kids. It's important for him to understand how painful that was for you, because he meant the world to you.

Don't expect your meeting to be comfortable for awhile. You two have a lot to talk about. But it's important for that little baby that you do talk and resolve as many problems wrought by your parents, (who were most likely raised in dysfunctional families as well), as possible.

Good luck, and congrats!
:hug: for courage

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

24. Just called my uncle

to get his number, have to call him back in about 20 minutes and he'll have it (he has to call my aunt at his house to get it).

Also found out my husband had it wrong...the baby isn't DUE in August, it was BORN three weeks ago and it's a girl! (Guys....)

Anyway, I will have his number in about ten minutes and will call and hopefully get his wife and just say hello how is everyone, congratulations is it ok if I send a gift? And we can go from there.

Thanks everyone. I will post here what happens if anyone is interested.

Going out for margaritas with friends in a bit, gonna need it I think.

[JVS]

25. Yes

[Nlighten1]

26. Go for it.

My twin brother and I were estranged for years. We recently made up. I'm glad to have him back in my life.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

27. OMG

I love your graphic!

And good for you and your brother.

[Blue-Jay]

28. Call him.

What could it hurt? You might be able to deal with each other as adults after all this time. Tell him what you told us; you hate the fact that your parents used you to make him feel like less of a person.

The worst case scenario is that your relationship with him remains as it currently is. Nothing to lose, eh?

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

29. Very anti-climatic tale here

I called his cell phone (that's all they had) and left a voice message with my phone number.

If he wants to call back, he can, if he doesn't, well I tried.

Even that puts my mind at ease.

Question, though: if I don't hear from him and it's been a week or so (long enough for him to call), should I send a baby gift anyway? Or should I not? I would really like to, regardless of what our relationship is.

[PopSixSquish]

30. I Think You Should Send a Baby Gift

From what you've said it may take a more than one time to get things started. (IMHO) He may be experiencing a lot of emotions now that he's a father. Childhood issues and traumas have a way of coming back at you when you least expect them.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

31. True

I didn't think about that.......

Think I'll go to Babys R Us tomorrow and just look around. My own is almost 10 years old and no chance of another but new babies do make me feel a bit broody sometimes.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

33. Send a gift anyway...if he doesn't call back at first

pride is pretty hard to swallow...just go with what's in your heart and be prepared for disappointment...but at least you will have followed your heart...good luck and I hope he comes around and the reunion is wonderful...that's what I will intend for you.

[July]

35. I've already posted, but here are some other thoughts, for what they're

worth.

I mention my own brother in my post below. But I've also seen this kind of situation fail to work out in my husband's family. All you can do is reach out to him. Try hard to give him an opportunity to start out with you with more or less a clean slate -- if he wants to talk about the past, do it, if not, don't, at least not now.

But there is a chance that he can't deal with it now, or just hasn't evolved enough. Send your best wishes, congratulations, and a message that you're willing to be there for him. Send the present, and tell him that if (or when) he wants to reestablish contact, here's how to find you. After you make your best effort, leave the rest up to him. It may turn out the way you'd like it to, and it may not. Sometimes resentment goes on forever, and I've seen that in my husband's family. Offer the olive branch, and if he doesn't take it, you'll know you tried. Maybe he'll change his mind in the future.

I would still send the present (that's me). You say you'd like to, so why not?

[Crunchy Frog]

32. The same sort of thing happened

with me and my brother when I was 30 and he was 29. He broke off all relations with his family, although there have been some brief periods when he was speaking to my mother and sister. It has now been 11 years since I had any contact with him, and he is not even trackable, so no one even knows where he is right now.

This was the absolute most heartbreaking experience of my life, as the two of us were also extremely close in childhood, and on into early adulthood. I went through years of intense grieving and frequent crying spells. I finally reached some sort of place of closure, where I accepted it as I kind of death. I no longer cry about it, but it is as if my brother is dead to me. The pain doesn't really go away, it just gets replaced with a kind of numbness.

If I were you, I would do everything to try to contact him, and to reestablish the relationship. I don't think that would have been possible with my brother because of his wierd mental state, and intense rage, but it might be possible with your brother.

There is nothing worse than losing a sibling who was once your best friend. Avoid it if you possibly can. Try to get the relationship reestablished before the break becomes permanent.:hug:

[July]

34. Now's the time.

If you miss him, do it.

Tell him how you feel. Don't expect everything to be flowers, marshmallows, and chocolate. Try to connect as the two adults you are now.

I speak as someone who had a good but sometimes conflicted relationship with a brother who is now gone (like your brother, he was disfavored in comparison with me). You can't fix it once he's gone (or you're gone). Salvage something good. You care about him; see if you can work it out.

BTW, send the gift. It might help break the ice, and heck, the kid's your niece or nephew, and an innocent little critter.