Christian singles are writing me. What should I do?

[lil-petunia]

must have been a poll I DU'd, but somehow, I've been getting daily mails from various christian orgs. personal dating services, political how to's to argue with traitorous dems and libs, and car loan and mortgage offers.

At first it was amusing, but despite unsubcribing repeatedly, these ads come back like a bad penny. I guess the only thing to do is subscribe to the dating service and make it as blatant as possible.

So, what should I be looking for in a mate? Bondage? trios? A shot and a beer?

any suggestions, ANY, would be welcome. I really want to pull their chains.

[MikeG]

1. At least you haven't received an "Enlarge your penis" ad.

[lil-petunia]

2. thru preyer, no doubt!

On your knees, and beg for size!

hoo wee wee, that would be a hoot.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

3. You need to emphasize

STRONGLY that the ability to "do good body shots" is mandatory for you.

And be sure to make it clear you don't care what gender the person is you "hook up with....either one will do."

[lil-petunia]

4. I like it! Great idea.

Shouldn't I freak them out with manditory coke use, or anal activities? The bondage thing might remind them too much of "a true christian society, where the woman knows her place".

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

5. No I think stuff

that is just sleazy enough that they won't automatically think you are being funny.

Like instead of anal stuff you can say you'd "like to find a back door man" etc etc. Hatchback references work, too.

[MrScorpio]

6. Emphasize the conjugal nature of your relationship with Christ

They should get the message

[lil-petunia]

7. How do I work in rapture with that statement, though?

might it not confuse the weakminded?

[MrScorpio]

8. One word

Orgasm

[liberalhistorian]

14. ROFLMAO!

Yes, that is certainly an apt definition of the word rapture! At least it is for women, can't speak for men!!

[belladonna]

9. Show them your Jackhammer Jesus

http://www.divine-interventions.com/jackhammer.html

Before anyone clicks, don't go there if you're easily offended by images of sex toys :evilgrin:

[lil-petunia]

10. AH, but size do matter

great site. thanks.

[VOX]

11. Don't unsubscribe -- you only identify your e-mail address as "live"

It sounds nuts, I know, but this is the case.

If you're using Outlook, you can create word-specific filters to delete these messages, usinguse key words like "Christian" "singles," "loan," etc. If you do this, it's a good idea to check your Deleted Items now and then to make sure that something legitimate didn't slip through the cracks.

Hang in there -- :toast:

[carols]

12. Fundies, I presume? If so...

tell them you like to read your Watchtower magazine by the light of your life-size replica Pope-lamp. They are easily frightened by Catholics and Jehovah's Witnesses who they believe are idol-worshippers and heretics, respectively. Harry Potter also reportedly scares the shit out of them. If they aren't fundies, I can't help you.
Carol

[liberalhistorian]

13. Well, THIS Christian single

wants to tell you that we're not all THAT bad, lol! Although it is infuriating to me that most sites and publications catering to Christian singles automatically assume that we're all conservative repubs and that if we aren't, we must not really be Christian.