Am I right, or am I wrong?

[thom1102]

Okay, here is the deal. For those who don't know, my mom is very sick with cancer. During her last stay in the hospital, her treatment was so abyssmal that I wrote a letter to the president and CEO of the hospital, outlining some of the most egregious lapses in her care. I did this, bypassing my mother, because I knew that she would object. She was heading to the hospital today, and I had been contacted by the patient representative asking to speak to my mom about her ordeal, so I spoke to her about the letter last night. What followed was a half an hour tongue lashing about respecting her boundaries, and her decisions about her care. I felt that I was taking care of my own, and defending my mother, while highlighting deficiencies in the care provided at one of the country's leading cancer treatment centers. What do you think? Was I wrong to send the letter without telling my mom about it first?

[meegbear]

1. They were wrong!!!

You wrote the letter, they should have contacted you. Now, she'll probably feel uncomfortable around the staff (there's the troblemaker).

I would go to the hospital and speak to them personally about it.

[thom1102]

4. They did contact me,

and asked permission to speak to her to get more details.

Now, she'll probably feel uncomfortable around the staff

That is why she didn't want me to write the letter. As she put it "I've been in healthcare for 34 years, and I have to continue to get treated there." I can see her point, but I feel if she allows them to walk all over her, then they will continue to do so.

[Rowdyboy]

2. Tough question...

During my mom's illness, my brother and I frequently had to stand up for her (she was far too sick to handle it herself) to a largely uncaring medical staff. I have a hard time understanding your mom's perspective. You have to respect her wishes, but, she has to be willing to demand decent treatment or she won't get it.

Hang in there and be patient with her. I'm sure she's terrified and is afraid that by rocking the boat, her treatment will be even worse. Just be as loving and supportive as you can (even when you want to scream at her!). Later, you'll be glad you did...

[ChesWickatWork]

3. if you knew she would object

then why get upset at her response now? I don't think you did the wrong thing, I just think you should be ready for her resonse when you knew to expect it. She will get over it or you will not step in again. Either way you love each other and will work it out.

[thom1102]

6. I am not really upset with her response...

it is pretty much what I expected. It's just when she started dressing me down last night, I started second guessing whether I was doing the right thing. (I don't care if you are 3 or 103, when mom starts yelling at you, you revert back to the two year old who spilled his spaghetti on the white rug) I wanted to get some objective opinions. We were ok when we got off the phone, because she knows I did it because I love her.

[HERVEPA]

5. Right to be concerned

But wrong to do this without talking to your mom first and respecting her wishes. If she's with it enough to give you a tongue-lashing, she's able to make the decision about whether you should complain herself, since she's the one they'd be contacting.

Just my opinion. I know how upset one can get about egregious treatment lapses in hospitals, and they do occur way too often, because no one seems to have procedures in place, or else no one monitors that they're followed.

Good luck to you and your mom dealing with the illness.

[Mikimouse]

7. Double edged sword...

I think you did the right thing, though sometimes there is a price to be paid for doing so. Two years ago, my wife's aunt (89 years old at the time) was diagnosed with breast cancer. We found out from my mother-in-law and called the aunt that night. She told us that her physician had already made arrangements for a radical mastectomy a week hence. I wondered aloud at the proposed treatment, and started asking questions about the nature of any pre-op work-up. Her aunt knew nothing about any proposed work-up. We suggested to her that she find out from her physician and call us back the next day. We found out that the plan was simply to do the radical andbe done with it. Dismayed, I suggested to her that she ask her physician about at least getting a bone scan prior to the surgery, to evaluate her for metastatic disease. The physician balked at this and demanded to know who had made the suggestion. When he found out who had made the suggestion he made some comments to her about uninformed non-professionals meddling in things they knownothing about and dismissed our suggestions. Needless to say, I exploded when she told us about this. We then contacted one of my wife's cousins, a pediatrician in Minnesota, who asked the same questions and made the same suggestions. Finally, after much acrid discussion between us and the physician, the aunt had a bone scan, which showed no metastatic disease. Based on that information, the treatment was changed to a simple lumpectomy with short-term radiation therapy follow-up. She is alive and well today, having just celebrated her 91st birthday. Had we not intervened, she would have just gone along with whatever her physician told her. It pays to get informed. Finally, just so someone doesn't flame me for being meddlesome, I have a 25 years history in health care, most of it working clinically with cancer patients (Nuclear Medicine).

[mousetown1]

8. TO (WHISTLE) BLOW OR NOT TO BLOW

I need some advice, too. My cubie neighbor at work does not report her sick days or vacation days to payroll, and always submits 80 work hours every 2 weeks. After last year, I started secretly keeping track of days she has missed, which total 34 as of today (8/26). Last week we received rundowns of our remaining vacation days, and hers showed 15 for this year and 22 rolled over from last, for a total of 37 available. At the end of each year, she receives a hefty check in payment for her unused vacation/sick days. She is my best buddy at work and I often confide in her. I would approach her about this one-on-one, but her boss is the President of our company and has in the past instructed payroll to process her time sheets "as is". She also has the ability to make things tough for me here. On the other hand, I work for the owner of the company, also the COB and CEO, who has asked me to report anything and everything to him that he should know about. I have laid groundwork so that if I do make the decision to report this to my boss and there are repercusions for her, I would probably remain anonymous. I am extremely torn - what should I do?
mousetown1

[bleedingheart]

11. As much as you would want to blow that whistle I would

hesitate..

There is always blowback when someone does this whether you think you covered your butt or not... Typically those people get their payback.

I tell you this because I recall a fellow who would come to work early and report anyone who was even 30 seconds late coming in the door. When he made even one simple mis-step everyone would rat him out or go out of their way to make him look bad.

Do not assume you will be anonymous I have known many a trusted boss who has spilled the beans to avoid looking like the bad guy.
Unless you work in a right-to-work state firing her will be hard (and she will be fired for cheating the company) they have to back it up...with your evidence...so she will end up finding out.

The best way to fix the problem is to install a time clock... this way she has to be present to log her time... that way everyone is put under the same scrutiny and you don't have to worry about it... and perhaps she will shape up as a result.

[SOteric]

9. I'm reminded that you were the person, I believe

with the one manipulative brother; and that on the occasion of your attempting to take that situation in hand, your mother objected as well.

(I hope I'm remembering correctly).

I don't say that you are either right or wrong in either situation, but I can't help wondering something. For many people, unsolicited 'assistance' can seem to strongly imply their incompetence. Even if it's obvious to you that your mother is in no condition to handle her own affairs, it may be too much a matter of pride with her to acknowledge as much. Perhaps, with all the best intentions, you've hurt her pride and caused her to doubt herself.

[thom1102]

10. Yep, I would be that same one...

Mom's a strong willed and independent, dare I say, stubborn person. She is also never wrong... just ask her. I love her to death, but I have been giving it a lot of thought this afternoon, and I am coming to the realization that mom has always been the kind of person to "just take it" and move on, then to stand up to the person dishing it out. Somehow, I have developed an inate sense of righteous indignation at what I deem to be a wrong. I guess I really believe that I can make a difference. I think mom just feels that she just wants to get through this ordeal, and get back to business as usual, and doesn't want to rock the boat.