"'You don't own me, masturbation!'"

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

http://www.msnbc.com/comics/nw.asp

Scenes of the Surreal

(2) Craig Gross, 28, and Mike Foster, 32, run the Christian Internet site "XXXChurch," designed to help the faithful overcome pornography and masturbation, according to a May Wired magazine report. (Recent advice: "Remain calm and tell yourself, 'You don't own me, masturbation!'" Recently, several online "parishioners" commenced a 40-day abstinence, to match the time Satan tempted Jesus in the desert.)

[MrBenchley]

1. Is this the bunch that had the "Porn Puppet?"

[GOPisEvil]

2. Masturbation rents, with an option to buy.

But maybe that's just me.

Fine - delete the thread *I* respond to. You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me. :P

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

5. Thanks for moving over here GOPisEvil - you're a class act!

Just remain calm and say.....

:)

[Dirty Hippie]

3. Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten

according to this video...


http://www.xxxchurch.com/involved/media/kittens.wmv

[tandot]

4. I guess nobody masturbates in my neighborhood. We have plenty of kittens

running around.

[gpandas]

20. certainly killed a lot of kittens n/t

[sangh0]

35. What happens when the kittens run out?

Which I calculate, at current rates, is going to occur in the first quarter of 2006.

CAn we go after baby mosquitos? I don't like them either.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

36. Nope - its baby bunnies then

baby bunnies

[markses]

6. This is a very old trope

Even the ancient Greeks argued that one should not be a "slave" to one's passions, as a kind of ascetic ethos. The Christians borrowed a good deal from this ethos without really getting it. Nothing new under the sun? Well, not really, but this Christian trope of self-ownership (with respect to desire) is very old indeed.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

9. Jews felt you were dissapating your energy

Meh

:shrug:

[markses]

13. Oy vey

So much energy to go around.

[JuniperLea]

7. some people have a real problem with it

too much of it and they can't enjoy a 'normal' sex life or relationship. you must be way gone if you have to join a group! sheesh!

[WillParkinson]

8. Like the movie!

40 Days and 40 Nights...well, almost.

[No2W2004]

10. Sounds like a "master of my domain" contest

like on Seinfeld! :D

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

11. That's it - I'm out!

[PopSixSquish]

15. BTW - Barkley is a Very Sweet Looking Dog

However, if he's anything like my little one, I'll bet he can be channel a big dog quite well.

Mine is 21lbs. of teeth and attitude when provoked.

[No2W2004]

23. Of course he can!

He's a sweet dog until the mailman shows up...then its all teeth and barking until he leaves Barkley's territory. Barkley is about 23 lbs, and WILL defend his turf and his "pack". (Unless I tell him "no", then he reverts to being a sweetie. :D )

[Magrittes Pipe]

12. Masturbation does not own me.

I own masturbation!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

14. Lock, Stock and Barrel!

:)

[RandomKoolzip]

16. You need to check out.....

www.incorrectmusic.com and go download a song or two from Lust Control, the infamous Christian Hardcore band from Texas. They're totally anti-sex, especially masturbation. I believe incorrectmusic.com's audio archives include Lust Control's "The Big M," a great song whose chorus goes:

"Masturbation!
It's Artificial Sex!"

Plus, the band itself is so inept and so obviously repressing their own adolescent sexual urges that you get the picture in your head of these teens who, if they didn't have this horrid little band, would be shooting up schools. They're real uptight.

Masturbation, you don't own me! Blind obescience to superstition, YOU own me!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

17. Don't masturbate with shampoo

it burns!

[RandomKoolzip]

18. Or if you HAVE been masturbating.....

let's say, twice a day, don't masturbate with rubbing alcohol or tea tree oil. Use tobasco sauce or essence of jalapeno instead. Or a handful of thumbtacks.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

19. You remember in "Kickboxer" when they dipped their hands in glass

yeah - don't do that

[tigereye]

21. oh my god

you aren't serious! That is unbelievable. How repressed can people be? Obviously a lot! It this them taking the straight edge thing to absurd levels?

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

22. Go to www.xxxchurch.com and find out

Be sure to check out the Save the Kittens Campaign

"Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten"

[RandomKoolzip]

24. Yeah, from the other direction.

It's Hardcore, but fractured in utterly insane, surreal ways. Musically, it's unintentionally genius. They have no idea what they're doing, but they're good enough on their instuments to sound like a decent hardcore band. But they'll break down in the middle of a song to let the singer preach incoherently at the top of his lungs about the evils of adultery, or add a totally inappropriate funk bassline, or the guitarist will solo in the wrong key. Musically, it's a beautiful train wreck.


Lyrically, yes, it is straight-edge gone horribly awry. But you can tell they haven't heard too many REAL hardcore bands; Lust Control sounds like the product of one too many church youth group sessions.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

25. Whoops - thought you were replying to the original

folks like these and the blokes RKZ refer to are so hard up for a good wank its impossible!

[tigereye]

26. I was going to make a comment

but as a female I am really not totally informed about the machinations!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

27. Up and down - there's only one way to do it - Whats your comment?

?

[tigereye]

31. "it's different for girls"

I'm just being a wise-ass, Chavez.

[elfwitch]

28. If God didn't want you to masturbate...

s/he wouldn't have given you arms that reach!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

32. Poor tyranosauruses

:(

[Solly Mack]

29. Next weeks advice: scaring those pesky masturbation demons

Take command and control of the offending member; remain calm and in a voice of authority shout - OUT!!!! You foul demon! COME OUT!!! - repeat until you feel the tension ease.

[sangh0]

34. That's EXACTLY what I say

while I masurbate!

"OUT!! You foul demon! COME OUT!!"

"OUT!! You foul demon! COME OUT!!"

"OUT!! You foul demon! COME OUT!!"

"OUT!! You foul demon! COME OUT!!"

Oh shit! I gotta go somewhere now

[Maestro]

30. These people must need

physcological help!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

33. No - they need to rub one out!

IMHO