I'm very sad tonight-- there's another progressive disease...

[mike_c]

...that destroys personalities and steals away loved ones: alcoholism. My wife and I are divorcing-- she's already moved out partially-- in the sense that she's living at a friend's vacant apartment until we can settle the disposition of all the "stuff." She's had several DUI convictions over the years and is at least partly dependent upon me for transportation despite having moved out-- it will be some time before she can get a driver's license again, if ever.

I'll call her KLC to preserve her anonymity.

We've been together for twelve years, married for seven. I'm 49 and she's 50. KLC has been a functioning alcoholic for as long as I've known her, but during the last few years her ability to function normally has steadily declined. Nowadays she's either drunk or hungover pretty much all the time. Her personality has been utterly destroyed-- she barely resembles the woman I fell in love with more than a decade ago.

I'm particularly sad tonight because she's been calling on the phone drunkenly all day, threatening me, calling me names, and being generally awful. I finally gave up answering the phone, so now I have an answering machine full of bile.

People have asked me why I became involved with drinking alcoholic in the first place. It's important to remember two things. First, at the time I had no real experience with anything other than social drinking. I knew some people with drinking problems, and indeed some of my family members drank heavily throughout their lives, but I never saw them go through the really ugly stages. My friends and I drank at parties, and had a mostly regular pizza and beer gathering one night a week for years, so being with KLC was kind of like a never-ending party during those early years.

The second thing is that I would never have believed what alcohol can do to an alcoholic's psyche. I suppose some friends tried to warn me in a vague way, but I wouldn't have believed them even if they had been totally specific. The woman who called me all day today has an advanced education, but she can barely speak intelligibly now. She looses track in the middle of sentences. She's a biologist who understands precisely what she's doing to her body and her mind-- or at least once did-- but nonetheless does it more and more each day. She is utterly is self destructive. She demonizes people who try to help her-- especially me, but then I've spent more time trying to help her than anyone else. Now I'm having to protect myself from her.

KLC's alcoholism has led me to withdraw from most social interactions with my friends and colleagues. They're really "our" friends and colleagues-- we work in the same department-- and it is just too painfully awkward to deal with the social implications of spiraling alcoholism. That's probably the main reason that I'm posting this on an anonymous forum instead of talking to my friends about it-- I can't really do that without saying things about KLC that I'm still uncomfortable saying. Most of them know what's happening at some level-- several have come to me and asked if they can help, but still, it's just too damned raw to talk about with people who are somewhat in the middle.

Now that I'm mostly alone I find myself better able to remember the multitude of wonderful times we've had over the years, even when we were drinking our way through them. That's the saddest part, I think-- having the memories, but not being able to look forward to a future of having more of them, or at least more good ones. Everything around me reminds me of something. I don't want to remember her the way she is now, but she seems to have scrubbed all of the good memories from within herself, and has nothing left but sickness and despair. I don't know what to do for her anymore. I so wish I could help her, and bring her back.

on edit: standard divorce disclaimer-- KLC would doubtless tell it differently.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

1. We're here to morally support you, Mike. Be strong.

[havocmom]

2. Hang on. We are here. You will not always feel as you do tonight

I promise.

havocmom

[mike_c]

5. I know...

...and it's she who has the harder path by far. It's just been a very bad day.

[havocmom]

24. Know it is hard, but take care of yourself

you cannot save one who will not be saved. It is a very bitter pill, but it is true.

Hey, stay in touch. many care.

[tcfrogs]

3. Sympathies & understanding

Been thru many of the same experiences - with all facets of family. Hope you can get through it okay!

[FleshCartoon]

4. I'm sorry for you and KLC.

But you can't help her. She can only help herself. I know you know that, but I hope you know it, if you get what I mean.

And, don't discount the future. Everything bad passes. There will be more wonderful times ahead. Don't sit home and wait for them to begin--go out and start your new life, even if it feels hollow for a bit. Before long, it won't seem so.

[mike_c]

6. it's just so damned hard watching someone you love...

...self destruct, even when you get to the point where you know you can't do anything more for them.

[FleshCartoon]

8. I know.

But you have to look after yourself now. That may seem cold, but both of you being unfit would be terrible. You have to set boundaries.

I haven't been in your situation with a mate, but I have come to realize that much time spent worrying and grieving can become a vicious circle. It's okay to express your emotion, but to sit at home and wallow in it won't be good for you.

You don't have to explain anything to your friends, but start calling some of them to go do things with you. Do not sit at home all the time alone--it will make it worse. Allow yourself maybe one day a week to sit at home and indulge in the grief, but don't make it a lifestyle.

[madrchsod]

7. i`ve been thru something similiar

although those involved have gotten their lives together for now.. but as you know-you never know when it will happen again. it is a waste to see one you love do this and worse there`s nothing you can do..when people ask me if i drink i just say no..cause i know what has done to those around me.
there`s not alot i can say to you other than i understand what you are saying...hang in there,i`m sure there`s more here at du that knows what you are feeling...

[Heyo]

9. It's a tough situation.....

Because she sounds like she is still in her denial stage.....

It's tough for everyone around them, especially those who love and/or care about that person. It's a very painful thing to watch someone go through. They are a wreck when they are drinking, but basically in agony when they are not. (I use the word "agony" because alcohol is physically addictive, and "agony" is barely a strong enough word to describe withdrawal.. particularly with opiates, alcohol, or benzos)

Unfortunately, 1 of 2 things will have to happen before this person gets better.. he she will get to *that certain point* where they realize their lives have become unmanagable. (their lives likely have already become that already, but it's when they get to that realization.) Or the other option is an family-friend type "intervention"..

My best suggestion I could offer is that the person that this person MOST needs to talk to right now, is not necessarily family or friends (although the importance of the support of family and friends cannot be understated.. it's possible many of them have not lived it).. but it is a person who has been through the same thing she has and has a bit of time of recovery behind them...not a person who KNEW someone or who's SON was or whatever.. a person who actually had the problem themselves.. A person who can understand her story and the things she's done, mistakes she's made.. and really mean it when they say "Hey, I've been there, and it doesn't have to be this way.."

Substance addiction is one of the lonliest feelings a person can feel... and being around people who have lived it alleviates that and helps the person realize that people DO understand and it will help open her up to talk about it... that is *so* important in taking the steps that lead to recovery... jsut opening your mouth and speaking the words to another human being.. "I have a drug/drinking problem, and I need help.".. that simple act has caused many people's own lives to be saved.

There is strength in numbers, and almost nobody beats addiction just by themselves. Once you get sober, having a fellow recovering addict to call and say "Damn I really feel like I need a (drink, shot, pill, whatever) right now" can mean the difference between survival and catastrophe.

I think if she recovers, you'll find alot of these negative qualities you are seeing lately fade away and some of the positives coming back.

If you care about this person, I would try, however you do it, to get her into the company of people who have been where she's at and made it through. Best of luck.

I do have some experience with this, so if I can be of any further assistance, let me know.

Heyo

[graywarrior]

12. You didn't cause it...

You can't control it...you can't cure it.

Talk to a professional or get to an AL-Anon meeting. At least you can learn about what you're dealing with and talk to others going through the same. You are not dealing with the same person you married. She's gone. Sorry about that. Take care of yourself.

[Heyo]

18. On the contrary...

The person is not "gone".. not at all...

But until the substance abuse problem is resolved, that person will continue to be more and more unrecognizable...but without the chemical alteration, she'll be back

But many addicts recovery, and aside from never being able to touch any type of drug again, they usually turn out to be great people... many people who do really well in recovery are a better person for it.. they learn from it.

You can learn from mistakes.. and addicts damn sure make alot of mistakes....:P if they learned from each one they'd all be Einstein and Steven Hawking. :o

Please, nobody think I am trying to minimize the problem here, I know the pain of it furst hand, just trying to make the point that there is a brighter day for both the addict and his or her loved ones.

Heyo

[mike_c]

23. she's very much in denial....

She admits to "having a drinking problem" in a manner that minimizes the problem. I've begged her to enter recovery programs, but she's not ready. Unfortunately, she's doing major damage to herself, physically and mentally. She's been a drinking alcoholic for 25 years. I don't know if she'll ever get to "that certain point."

Your comments were very perceptive-- she is desperately lonely when she's drinking. She spends hours on the phone, slurring her way through conversations, often putting a great deal of effort into locating people she hasn't spoken to in years, waking them up in the middle of the night.

Thanks for offering to help-- I'm pretty much irrevocably out of KLC's future now. As I said in an earlier reply, today has just been one more in a long string of very bad days. I know I will be OK. I'm very worried about KLC-- we are divorcing, but I would never have wanted it to end like this for either of us-- and she has the worse situation by far. I wish I could help her.

[Heyo]

28. Hey there....

Well, you did the best you could, considering the situation..

And the stage of denial she is at, the ball is sort of in her court...

Maybe this divorce will be the breaking point that makes her realize that the alcohol is controlling her life, and not her.... I hope so, at least then something good can come out of it. She may binge out for a while because of the divorce, which is totally normal, since they are doing it mostly to alleviate pain, so the more pain, the more "medicine... but it may be what does the trick in the long run.

And what you said about her slurring on the phone and stuff, and acting strangely... funny you mention that, the person under the influence tends to have an impaired self image, so to herself she sounds totally normal.. it's only once you get clean you realize how POORLY you really were at hiding it... and be surprised how many people around you are NOT surprised when the truth comes out.

I had that problem.. mine wasn't with alcohol, it was with opiates... I thought I was hiding it really good.. kept a good job, thought I acted pretty normal.. it was only afterwords that I realized... okay.. losing weight... excessively happy and all yappity one day, completely down in the dumps the next, all types of erratic behavior, never have any money, not taking care of myself, all the trips to the bathroom, staying up all odd hours... how stupid did I think people are? When you are on your drug of choice.. you think you are the alot smarter than you really are...

I will say a quiet prayer in my own way for KLC and wish her the best and hope that she gets better. It make take that first DUI, (or fourth) or some other misfortune, but I really hope not... Hang in there, I admire you, and I know that you are separating.. but if she comes to you in earnest seeking help with her problem, I urge you to support her and encourage her in whatever capacity you feel comfortable taking into account your split. Good luck.

BTW. In case you were curious, my problem was Oxycontin (and whatever other opiates I could get my hands on), I've got 3 years this April, I am horrified at the thought if that life. I don't talk about that much, but since it's an anonymous board and it may do some good, that's my story in brief. The horrible withdrawals (a misery that the intensity of which is impossible to describe), the lies, the stealing, the multiple failures at attempted recovery... (it used to cost me 30 bucks to get out of every morning)... So to any other DUers who read this and are messing with or thinking about messing with opiates (Oxys, Percocets) recreationaly, even if you totally disagree with every other thing I have ever said in this board, please heed these words for the love of creation... Don't Do It!!!... it'll be rainin' pain.. before you even realize what the HELL has happened...

Cheers all,

-Heyo

[mike_c]

29. thanks Heyo, both for your advice and for sharing your story....

If she EVER wants my help recovering I'll do my best-- what really brought on the divorce was my losing hope that it would ever happen. Well, that and all the consequences of her addiction. I lived with those for years though, hoping that we could get her turned around.

[camero]

10. addiction is a hard thing to deal with

Hopefully she will get the help she needs but she can only do that herself. It's not your fault and you will realize that and feel like yourself again soon. Hang in there.

We're here for you.

[NMDemDist2]

11. Alanon Family Groups

http://www.al-anon.org/


As a recovering alcoholic I know what you must be going thru. Call Alanon and talk to them, they will understand. Even tho you are divorcing your "alky" you still need some help getting over it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

30. Great advice here...

I'd click that link before doing anything else...

[HEyHEY]

13. Sorry to hear about your misfortune

If you need anything let us know

[Th1onein]

14. My husband is probably an alcoholic, too.

He often drinks too much. I have been looking at some drugs that will take away the craving for him. There is a new one that just came out on the market in the US in January of this year. Don't know if you're interested, but as soon as we can afford a doc's visit, I plan to get him a prescription for it.

You know, you can have cancer and a doctor will try chemo and if it doesn't work, he will try something else, and if that doesn't work, something else. But if you're an alcoholic, they try ONE therapy, self-help, and if that doesn't work, then they blame the patient. We have a long way to go in this country.

[Lindsey]

19. Mike,

I can't tell you how horribly I feel for you. My best friend had to end his relationship with his lover (a gay male couple) due to alcoholism. I've NEVER seen my friend more devasted. He's the kind of guy that has always been able to accomplish anything he set out to do - except this - to convince his partner to quit drinking. I'll never forget the night when he found coke in his partners jacket pocket while the partner was at work. He called me in an absolute panic. He gathered all of John's (fake name) things and when John got home from work, took him to a hotel that he had paid for. My friend found so much comfort by going to al-anon meetings as well as going to therapy. It's now been over a year and he's so relieved that it's all over. I wish I could help. I'll send light/healing energy your way. peace

[NMDemDist2]

32. it often takes more than one try to quit any self destructive behavior

that includes smoking, drinking, eating or whatever.

I'm not sure there will be any "magic bullet" ie drug, that will remove the cravings. The cravings only set in once the alcohol is in the bloodstream of the alcoholic. What needs to be addressed is learning the skills to deal with life BEFORE the first drink is picked up.

May I suggest Alanon for you too?

[Pale Blue Dot]

15. I'm so sorry, mike

Bless you for the courage you have to write so rationally about what must seem so irrational. Best of luck to you in the future.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

16. My mom's an alcoholic...

It's getting worse for her too. Her brain is basically fried, having trouble remembering what people said and making up what she can't remember. It's sad. Alcoholics destroy so much around them. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fun. :hug:
Duckie

[darkstar]

17. Hang tough.

Know that yr cyber pals here at DU may be *just* the place to go to to let off steam, grieve and look for strength. Talk about it as often as you need to. Peace upon your heart and KLC's as well.

[pagerbear]

20. I've heard it said

...that sometimes the most loving thing you can do with an addict is let her hit bottom. As someone else has alreayd mentioned, only then will she recognize her situation and how powerless she is over alcohol.

I'm glad you've taken steps toward taking care of yourself. Have you looked into Al-Anon? Just like only another alcoholic knows what it's like to live as an alcoholic, people who have lived with alcoholics can help you as you continue to take care of yourself. I'm sure you're already aware of it as an option.

I hope you'll let us know how things progress. I wish both you and your wife a slow and gentle recovery.

[flamingyouth]

21. I'm very sorry, Mike

My mom is a recovering alcoholic. She had to really hit bottom before she got help, but she's been sober for more than five years now. Whatever happens, just know in your heart that you did all you could and that you have done the right thing.:hug:

[fudge stripe cookays]

22. I'm so sorry Mike.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I guess I'm fortunate in never having to deal with alcoholism up close and personal.

But it sounds like our DUers are more than willing to help (of course). I would find them an amazing source of comfort right now.

I wish you the best during this rough time.
FSC

[mike_c]

25. thanks to all for the kind words and good thoughts....

I know about Al-Anon but haven't considered until recently how badly this has all affected *me*-- up until now I haven't really looked very far beyond the overwhelming issue of dealing with my wife. I'll look for a local meeting tomorrow. I desperately need to talk about this with others who have been through-- are going through-- the same thing.

[Ellen Forradalom]

26. You've got amazing clarity and insight

even in the middle of an emotionally turbulent time.

There aren't any simple answers to this. You already know the facts--that you didn't cause and can't stop it, that alcohol has transformed your wife into someone you don't recognize, and that you must protect yourself.

Al-Anon was remarkably helpful to me. You may wish to look into a local meeting.

[mike_c]

27. it doesn't come easy...

...and I'll call for a local meeting time first thing tomorrow. Even knowing what has happened to her-- having watched it and been a participant-- I still get hurt, angry, frustrated, and embittered. I would give anything for our lives to have gone somewhere other than here, even while I know that they could not have. It's been a long slow train wreak, but once begun it had to wreak.

[NMDemDist2]

31. good luck at Alanon, you need to talk with other people who

have been there. Just a hint, be sure that you only listen to people who start their advice with the phrase "in my experience" don't listen to theories, listen for what has actually worked for others.

Just a hint for any 12 step program, experience works, theories kill.

[qanda]

33. My heart goes out to you

I hope the future will hold much more promise for you and for your wife. :hug: