Translation of blow-off lines

[qwertyMike]

I'll start:

"It's me, not you" = translation - "It's you"

[tjwash]

1. Let's be friends...

... "I want to use you as an emotional tampon a couple day's a month."

I'm sorry did that sound bitter?

[Mikimouse]

2. I have one...

"I don't want to be a financial burden"= I am going to take you to the cleaners, and then spend the money on someone else.

[HEyHEY]

3. "I have a boyfriend" translation: I don't have a boyfriend and you're ugly

[qwertyMike]

4. We should start seeing other people

"I'm already seeing someone else"

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

5. "I think we should see other people" = "I'm already seeing someone

else, or have someone specifically in mind." (credit to Dave Chapelle)

[wtmusic]

6. "Can I have your business card?"

= Please go and dive off the end of the fucking earth

[qwertyMike]

7. We can still be freinds

"I won't remember your name next week"

[HEyHEY]

8. Who do these people think they are??

Like I'm gonna be lame enough to get dumped and then beg the person to let me be their friend...egomaniacs.

IF I get dumped it's ME who calls if we can be friends or not dammnit!

[kevinam]

14. We can still be friends, but...

I am going to start screening my calls. I will refuse to accept any phone calls from you, or anything else. Oh, and I have no intention of ever speaking to you again.

[slinkerwink]

9. "I thought we were operating under the "let's be friends" thing....

when after that, it was still painfully obvious that I was flirting with you and calling you names like 'darling' and 'dollface'"

[HEyHEY]

10. "I thought we were operating"

That person sounds way too tightly wound for living

[slinkerwink]

11. I'd have to agree but it's a long story

[jukes]

20. slink:

do not let that bitch get you down!

you got WAY too much going for you.

[Emmanuel_Goldstein]

12. "I'm not ready for a committed relationship"

Now that I've gotten to know you I have ascertained that you are a creepy pervert loser.

[Emmanuel_Goldstein]

13. "The chemistry just isn't there"

The thought of being close to you makes me feel icky.

[Emmanuel_Goldstein]

15. "I need my space. I'm an independent woman"

My abusive ex-boyfriend is about to get out of prison.

[Liberal Classic]

16. Great thread on dump lines

"We seriously need to talk about the direction our relationship is taking"
=
"I need to tell you that our relationship isn't going anywhere because you aren't going my way"


"I do not feel that we share the same goals in life"
=
"You do not conform sufficiently to my worldview"


"I do not believe that you have given any thought to being in this relationship for the long term"
=
"I, on the other hand have done so and I am not liking the idea"


"I do not believe that you have shared my level of commitment to this relationship"
=
"You do not take me seriously"


"And as hard as I have tried we must not be communicating because things have not improved"
=
"I have tried to change you as hard as I can yet still you remain the same"


"Therefore after much thought I have come to the decision that we should start seeing other people"
=
"I have been wanting to break up with you for a long time, but I have been too lazy. Recently, however, I have discovered another prospect which has accelerated my timetable"





But I'm not bitter...

[tigereye]

25. it's sort of funny now, but

I broke up with someone after taking them to a Betty Friedan lecture. That was pretty bad.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

17. "You're too good for me." = "I'm too good for YOU!"

[Mikimouse]

18. Another great line from my soon to be ex-wife...

"You need to be with someone who is not as competitive as me"=I can't stand constantly being upstaged by someone who obviously doesn't work as hard as I do!

[neverborn]

19. We have so much in common but...

You're ugly, I'm shallow.

/bitter

[Kickin_Donkey]

21. "I'll give you a call" =

"I won't give you a call. I'm just saying this to ease myself out of this meeting."

[Dookus]

22. Why be bitter over stuff like this?

It's widely known as the "polite fiction". It's the lies we tell each other so as to do as little damage as possible, while still getting the job done.

I've been on the wrong end of it, and it hurts. But being told "it's not you, it's me" beats the hell out of "it is you. I find you unattractive and annoying."

Hail the polite fiction!

[nickgutierrez]

28. All hail!

Imagine if we all said what we meant...

[shanti]

30. sometimes you have to go beyond

the polite fiction. my last bf would NOT give up after 5 months of polite (and progressively impolite) rebuffs. he wasn't getting it so he forced my hand. he's been out of the country for a month, so it's been relatively quiet. i just hope it stays that way.

[Paranoid_Portlander]

23. kick

.

[ScreamingMeemie]

24. I'm not what you need...

translated: I know what I need and I'm going out with him/her on Friday night. ;)

[Radical Activist]

26. I'm not ready, I just got out of a bad relationship

= I'm ready to have a rebound screw with someone better looking than you.

[FloridaJudy]

27. "I need to discover who I am"

I'm taking all our savings and flying to Venice to write bad poetry.

Don't laugh, it happened.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. "We just aren't communicating" =

"I haven't spoken to you for two weeks and I answer in grunts when you ask me a question."

"Don't hesitate to take a job out of town if you have to." = "I sure hope you join the Peace Corps and get sent to Papua New Guinea and never come back."

"Sorry, I need to get up really early tomorrow morning." If repeated more than once a week, this means, "I'm trying to phase you out."

"They're just my friends." = "And after I dump you, I'm going to take advantage of the fact that they both obviously want my body."

Then there's what I call "the cubit grip," which appears early in an attempted relationship. You move to give the object of your affection a hug. S/he grabs your elbow before you can, so that you're forearm to forearm. It means, "This is the closest you're ever going to get."