seriously

[Bertha Venation]

I had an incident today that produced an inward flashback. I won't go into detail. I spent 13 years in therapy getting over nasty childhood abuse.

This thing I had to do today -- when I got home, I was desperately sleepy, but we had hair cut appointments so I couldn't sleep. I wound up getting amazingly, severely, totally, hideously depressed for about four hours. The hairdresser said I looked sick. I don't remember any of the banter she shared w/ Mrs. V., sitting in the next chair. I usually join in and the hairdresser noticed that I was silent.

I was so fucking miserable all morning, until about 2:00 PM when I finally had the chance to sleep. I woke at 5:00 and I was pretty well over it. I'm okay now.

This isn't a plea for sympathy. I don't need it. If you want to ask questions, that's fine, but honestly, I don't need hugs or anything. I am just intensely curious now, about other DUers' experiences, if you've had such.

This is probably too vague to get any responses, but I'm going to ask anyway. If you're a survivor and have clawed your way to mental health, have you ever had an experience that produced a temporary lapse into extremely severe symptoms that you had before you got help?

[Droopy]

1. Talk therapy wouldn't work for me

I have a severe mental illness that requires that I take meds for the rest of my life. They work great, but without them I'd either be dead or locked away in some mental institution. I've relapsed before, but it was because I stopped taking my meds. It was one of the most hellish experiences of my life.

Just be careful. If these episodes become more frequent, you may want to schedule an appointment with somebody.

Maybe you were just really tired for some reason.

[Harrumph]

2. I find that being overly tired from lack of sleep...

brings on my depression. And you said you were tired and after you slept you felt better....sooooo.

I've been so depressed the last couple days because of lack of sleep. I have a water pipe leaking right outside my bedroom window which pools and every dog in the neighborhood has to stop by and have a drink. The constant water-lapping is driving me crazy and keeps me awake most of the night. I've asked the landlord to fix the leak for 2 weeks. He just says "si, si, manana". Well, one thing I've learned after 16 years living in Mexico... 'manana' does not mean tomorrow...it just means 'not today'.

I'm no help, sorry.

:smoke:

[Bertha Venation]

7. DG, to answer your question in the locked thread

"how's Mrs. Venation doing...still improving?"

YES! Thank you so much for asking. It's a whole new world. :bounce:

BTW -- why was that thread locked? I didn't see it as a sex thread. And usually the mods post the reason why they're locking a thread. :shrug:

[NightTrain]

3. Wanna know how I dealt with my hideous upbringing?

By writing about it in novel form.

I started in 1992. A year later, I had created a 364-page manuscript titled MEMOIRS OF A MALCONTENT. Through 1997, I wrote three additional novels about my life, comprising about 1,300 typed, dpouble-spaced pages.

Miond you, they're nothing I plan to ever try to get published; I simply wrote them to exorcise the demons that had been eating away at my soul for a number of years. Whether or not I succeeded, I honestly couldn't say! :eyes:

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

4. Even depressives can have bad days. It is a myth that because

we are "functional" we are all better. A bad day can bring us further down that a "normal" person.

I find that my bad days are REAL bad, and if I don't nip it with sleep, drugs, talk, or logic it will continue until I do.

You did not say, and if you don't want to, I understand, but are you diabetic? Stress-induced glucose levels can do that too.

Me?
I have it all. Anytime anyone wants to compare notes on defective brains or pancreases... let me know.

[belladonna]

5. I've been there plenty of times

And I wish I understood more about it. I believe I've figured out what triggers it and now I am more able to deal with it when it does happen. Unfortunately, I don't know how to tell you how to figure out what triggers it for you. I wish I could be more help, but if you ever need to talk, you're welcome to pm me. Oh, and I know you said you didn't need them, but here's a :hug:

[Bertha Venation]

6. thanks Droopy, Demogod, NT, Scooter & Belladonna

I appreciate all your thoughts. (Scooter: I don't have diabetes but I do have Hepatitis C & am obese; symptoms of those things affect the psyche similarly to diabetes.)

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

9. Hep C... me too. Got mine from health care.

One of the fringe benefits of working in health care before we knew about blood-borne pathogens.

[neebob]

8. Still clawing my way here

I didn't have a terribly abusive childhood - in fact, my parents did some things right. I wouldn't have called it an abusive childhood until about four years ago, after an especially horrid "relationship" that nearly ruined me brought it into my awareness.

At some point I realized my dad had set me up for that and every other bad relationship I've ever had. So I made the mistake of sharing this news and the associated feelings with my mom, and then I started to notice her complicity and realize a lot of things I'd blamed on my dad were really my mom's doing. For example, she's the one who was and is constantly telling me I shouldn't feel this way or that way, denying my feelings and correcting me at every turn. All my dad really did was (a) teach me that men who love you don't have to show it and (b) give me a chronic case of authority resistance.

My dad died a little over a year ago, and now I think I have bigger issues with my mom than I ever did with my dad. Between her denial, her need to correct me, and her insane politics, I can barely stand to talk to her anymore.

So here I am, finally understanding why I always assume I'm wrong and bad and in need of punishment, why I do things I know will have negative consequences, and more importantly, why I carry around this icky feeling that gets worse when I'm around members of my family. So I avoid them, and that seems to work pretty well - certainly better than being honest about my feelings and expecting anyone to understand or even respect them. That just isn't gonna happen.

Lately, though, I've been acutely aware of how much baggage I carry, and I would really like to get rid of it. I continually ask myself why, if my childhood wasn't that bad and I've managed to build a good life in spite of it, does this icky feeling follow me around like a cloud? It's always there - it's just a question of how thick and how far behind me it is.

This is my symptom. I, too, am curious if others have them and if they ever really go away and, if so, how to make that happen.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

10. Actually, this has been the way I've been feeling for about two weeks now.

Ever since I got back home for the intersession. It's hard living with a person who you know hates you and who only sees you as an after thought. I'm sorry you had this experience.
Duckie