I have a question....

[slinkerwink]

How would you react if you found out that someone you'd been close to had lied to you about their age? Right now, I'm pretty pissed.

[Misunderestimator]

1. I had that happen once with a girlfriend

She lied for 6 months and she took off TEN years. The age didn't bother me at all, the lying about it was unbearable (she forced me to lie to others about it, and they all thought she was younger than me).

Depending on who this is to you and how long it's been going on... it could just be evidence of further lack of integrity in other matters.

[rucky]

2. why be pissed?

maybe your friend knew you'd be pissed or was ashamed & that's why you found out some other way.

[slinkerwink]

6. no, I have older friends, but this is someone that's close to me

and I thought she was 27, but it turns out she's 33. I don't know why she'd lie about her age to me. But if she lies about that, then I wonder what other things she's lying to me about.

[hunter]

59. 27, 33...

That's nothing.

When a relative of mine died we discovered a ten year difference between his drivers license and his Social Security record. Other official records had mostly one birthdate or the other, but some were in between.

He was born somewhere around the turn of the century, and social security probably had him pegged two years younger than he really was. That was probably okay with him -- he wasn't looking forward to being old and retired.

In any case, he was a guy worth knowing.

[m-jean03]

3. Are they older or younger than they said?

I used to lie about my age a lot, because I had older friends & didn't want people to think I was a baby. :P

That said, it's pretty silly to do. I try to make a point of honesty, now that I'm old enough to do anything but run for office.

[slinkerwink]

10. older than she said...I actually found this out on a google search

of her username. I was bored and wondered what I'd come up with the search.

[Kenneth ken]

17. forget it

you found out from a google search of a USERNAME that she listed her age there differently than she told you?

So, Google must be right and true, but her in real life must have been a lie?

You spend far too much time in front of the computer.

(hint) not everything on the internet is absolutley true.

[slinkerwink]

28. not if....

it's the same email listed under the same username.

[Kenneth ken]

31. suit yourself

but you do know if you bring it up she will be right to ask why you're snooping around in her life, and you will have no valid response.

You're thinking she may be deceitful to you? You think she isn't going to wonder how deceitful you are, after all you're the one poking univited into her life.

forget it, or expect to lose your friend; whether you walk away from her, or she from you.

[slinkerwink]

32. what am I supposed to do? She didn't tell me the truth about her age

[Kenneth ken]

37. I perhaps am not the most compassionate

person on this issue. I don't really see why it matters to you. I guess that is because I would evaluate other aspects of the friendship for a better perspective.

Some other posters have said, if she'll lie about one thing she may well lie about a lot of other things. That's a valid concern. So, consider other aspects of your relationship; does she seem otherwise trustworthy?

Were you maybe googling because at some subconscious level you are distrustful of her?

At this point, I don't think you have very many good options.

1. you can ignore the discrepancy between what she told you her age is, and what google tells you her age is. That leaves you with an intact friendship, but uncmfortable knowledge/inuendo. (I'm still not 100% convinced she was honest in stating her age wherever you picked it up off the net.)

2. you can point out that via google you discovered she is older than she has said; and invite the argument about whether you're spying on her or not.

3. you can try to figure out a way to get a good look at her drivers license, or some other id with a birth date. This would be somewhat manipulative on your part, in that you have to plan and enact a scenario for the purpose, while making it seem innocent.

4. Hey - maybe try to get her to sign up for that class mates web site where people reconnect with folks they went to high school with? I guess that might be somewhat manipulative too, but I'm about out of ideas.

Aren't you glad you went googling on her? :9
kidding - probably you ought to consider if there really is a subconsciousdistrust, and if so, why.

I know for myself, I have a very high threshold for trust; in that it takes me an absurdly long time to be willing to trust people. That's why I post anonymously on boards.

[slinkerwink]

38. right now....

I'm a little distrustful of her because of many reasons like her telling me very vague generalities about her life, and that she's backed out on meeting me several times. This in addition to that just....*sigh* makes it harder for me to trust her.

But you brought up a very good point about me googling her so I'm not in the clear on this one. :-(

[Kenneth ken]

40. now we're getting some where

I'm not sure where, but some where :D

it sounds like you have reasons to be suspicious/distrustful of her. This is good. It means you can have a serious discussion with her about all the vagueness she has passed off as her life story. That way you can get to the age issue as part of the overall coming clean with the truth.

If she isn't willing to have that discussion, and offer up some validation of the things she says, you can (and should) drop her friendship. I don't know how serious and committed to this friendship you are, but honesty and trustworthiness should be important parts of a friendship, so you have a right to know if she is honest and can be trusted before you put much more energy into the friendship.

Life is too short to exerrt a lot of time and energy trying to figure out whether friends are reliable or not. Friends are reliable; if a person is not, they aren't a friend.

( For the curious, I try to be a reliable friend, but it's a long time before I'm willing to ask something important of some one who may or may not be a friend (high trust threshold.) )

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

53. "...she's backed out on meeting me several times."

You haven't met her yet? She is an internet friend? Is this why you were googling her?

If a friend I knew well in real life lied to me about her age, I would be mildly amused and ask her why. The only people I know have lied about their age did so for career reasons, so they wouldn't seem too old. I'm reasonably sure I know the real ages of people who are close to me. But real life interaction offers so much more information about the quality of a person, lying about age would be a minor issue at best.

If a person I knew only through online typing lied to me about his/her age, I would suspect their honesty in other matters. The internet gives the illusion of intimacy. Relationships formed here can't be completely trusted until they are 'consummated' by real-life interaction. I have successfully consummated online friendships in real life, and I have ended online relationships with people who were not scrupulously honest from the start.

My

[liberalhistorian]

41. I'm afraid I have to agree with Kennethken here,

first of all Google isn't always right and secondly, if I were your friend, I'd wonder why you were even googling my name in the first place. And I also really don't see that the age business makes much difference.

Yes, it's possible that she may lie about other things if she lied about her age, but then again maybe it's a real issue with her and she had her own reasons. Some people are really funny about their age, and often for no good reason.

[Kenneth ken]

48. don't be afraid

I'm a reasonably intelligent guy. I only say incredibly dumb sh*t 7 percent of the time. The other 93, I'm golden! :D

[slinkerwink]

33. and the reason this bothers me is

because she had lied to me before about her age--she said she was 25, and later she told me she really was 27. It took her a month to tell me the truth that way.

[ikojo]

54. When I found out that a friend of mine had

googled not only my user names but also my real name I felt INVADED. I felt naked. and exposed. What right did she have to do that kind of a search on me? If she had asked I would tell her whatever she needed to know.

Like the guy who is upset about his friend allegedly fibbing about her age, my friend claims she was bored. I consider friends googling friends to be the same as looking at my mail without my permission.

What a serious breach of trust and the poster is upset about his FRIEND'S honesty?

[m-jean03]

21. Aw, she was just afraid you wouldn't like her

or wouldn't feel comfortable with her if you knew she was a thirty-somethin'.

I don't think it's a big deal, really. :-)

[GOPisEvil]

4. It happened to me once. I was pretty upset.

I figured if she'd lie about something so inconsequential, she'd lie about other stuff. Turns out I was correct.

[rbnyc]

5. Perplexed?

I don't know if I'd be mad or not. If I were a 20 year old guy and my lover whom I'd thought was also 20 turned out to be 15, I'd be slightly pissed. If my best friend told me that she's not really 36, but 40, I don't think I'd care. It would depend on the relationship, the reason, and if the person always lies about their age or just to me.

Was the person trying to avoid agism?

[slinkerwink]

8. no, I have older friends, but this is someone that I thought was

close to me but since she lied about her age....I don't know...I'm going to talk to her about this.

[rbnyc]

11. Talk to her for sure.

I do think GOPisEvil may be right. If she lies about this, what else does she lie about?

[slinkerwink]

13. exactly. I'm so pissed and upset now.

:(

[fryguy]

7. my grandmother lied about her age

and no one found out until after she died - she was like 12 years older than she had said....i don't know if anyone was really pissed - she passed away before I was born - everyone seemed more perplexed than anything....

did s/he lie that they were older or younger? it also might make a difference what the ages are. for instance, if they are 16 but said they were 18 or 19 that would be a bigger deal, in my opinion, then if they are 32 and said they are 35 or 29....

[slinkerwink]

9. she said she was 27, but as it turns out, she's 33

[rbnyc]

Sounds like she's afraid of getting older...

...and hasn't done the things she thinks she aught to have done by the time she was in her 30s. Some people have a hard time leaving their 20s. It could be as simple as that.

[fryguy]

12. it might be just me

but i think that's not such a big deal. i mean, there are lots of people who fib about their age, especially if they look younger and want to be young at heart.

unless you think her lying is indicative of other issues she might not be forthcoming about....in which case it is a big deal....

[slinkerwink]

14. right now, it's a big deal to me.

[fryguy]

15. what's your age?

maybe she felt it would be easier to relate to you early on by being closer in age to you?

[slinkerwink]

26. I'm 21

[Lin]

16. The reason's the thing....if it was because they loved you so

and thought you'd flee b/c of age then....not so bad I guess. actually, come to think of it, I think it's forgivable in almost any case. A foolish indiscretion.

[Lin]

18. Upon further reading--UNCLENCH willya? also quit investigating it's creepy

[slinkerwink]

29. I don't know---not since she said

she was mistaken about her age--she said she was 25, and later revised it to 27.

[Donkeyboy75]

19. I don't blame you. I can't stand lying; no matter how small.

It's the principle of the thing that pisses me off, not necessarily the lie.

[SoulDiva]

20. Rule of thumb

When dating now days, I would need 2 forms of ID and a blood test before the 2nd date. Please Drive through!

[NewHampster]

22. I thought my wife was two years younger until we got to the wedding

When she had to sign the marriage license she kinda guiltily said, "I think I have something important to tell you".

She'd lied about her age then and still does. I'm sworn to secrecy since the 29th birthday.

It's still a Woman thing and you can call me a pig but since I'm approaching my 30th anniversary I guess her age never mattered to me. Not that I haven't thought of trading her in on a newer model. :evilfrown:

[mouse7]

23. How much importance was attached to it in the conversation

Did you say age was important to you before the actual age was brought up?

Was it a passing "I'm 27" or was it a "I'm 27, dammit."

Emphasis matters. If you didn't say it was important to you, and she didn't say it was important to her, it's a little unfair to go back and attach additional significance to it. There's a lot of people will never tell the truth about their age their whole lives, but be completely honest about everything else.

[slinkerwink]

30. I've dated people that were fifteen years older than me so

I have no problem with being with older people.

[trof]

24. Every woman I knows lies about her age

or just clams up period.
I don't understand why it's such a big deal for you.
Could you explain?

[geniph]

25. Why does it matter to you?

I mean, I'd be kind of freaked if I found out someone I was dating wasn't legal age or something, but other than that, I cannot see any circumstance under which a person's age would matter to me.

[slinkerwink]

27. it's because...

she said she was mistaken about her age at first---when we first met, she told me she was 25, and then later said that she really was 27.

[Feanorcurufinwe]

34. I would want to understand why

[B Calm]

35. I have been lied about my age

for the last few years. I look old for a 53 year old man, but when I tell people I'm 60, they think I look good for a 60 year old man!

[nini]

36. depends

I don't lie about my age.. it's great being a teenager :evilgrin:


if it's someone who's supposed to be a REAL friend, then yes, it would bug me because there's really no reason to lie about one's age. If someone does then it seems superficial and stupid to me.

[patrick g]

39. here's my .02

i wouldn't care . . ..

[YellowRubberDuckie]

42. GASP! A woman lying about her age! STOP THE PRESSES!!

Women lie about their age all the time, it comes as naturally to them as crying and faking orgasms or headaches.
Duckie

[slinkerwink]

44. that's not true. I don't lie about my age.

[Lizz612]

47. She didn't say you did

I think she's being facetious. Come on, headaches and fake orgasms? Besides, its true that some women do lie about it.

To me it just sounds like the woman was just trying to relate to you better. :shrug:

edit clarity

[YellowRubberDuckie]

50. I didn't say you did, i said women did, but now that you mention it...

Why on Earth would a 33 year old only say she's 25? If she's going to lie about her age to "relate" to you, and you told her the truth about your age, why wouldn't she have said she's 21 or somewhere close to it? I seriously doubt that everyone is 100% honest with everyone 100% of the time. And I'm sure even you, Slink, are guilty of lying about something to this woman. But you're pissed because it happened to you.
Duckie

[Nikia]

43. My best friends wife lies about her age

She tells everyone that she is 25, but she is now 32. When she met me, then 25, she said that perhaps she should had a few years to her age if that's what 25 year olds look like.

[SOteric]

45. I understand the concept

involved in thinking "if they'd lie about this, what else would they lie about." Some people have a more flexible relationship with the truth than do others and it's persistent.

But & However, - this is not an issue that I would feel any outrage over. And yes, I've had people with whom I'm involved lie to me about such vain and petty things and still not be compulsive liars. Underlying the act of deciet was simple insecurity, possibly some vanity. It wasn't an act perpetrated to cause pain or to dupe someone into a choice they wouldn't otherwise make.

[slinkerwink]

46. the thing is...

that she's lied about her age before---she said she was 25, and then a month later, told me she was 27. I was fine with that, but then to find out that she's 33...I just don't understand why she didn't tell me the truth about her age when she said she wasn't 25.

[SOteric]

49. I don't know why she did that, but I speculate

She felt guilt and remorse about the lie and started to confess, but then lost her courage.

[rumguy]

51. If she persists in claiming she's 27 I'd consider it a red flag...

The fact that she's already corrected once, and only moved her age slightly closer to the truth is kind of wierd. It's troubling to cover up one lie with another one.

I'm a 30 y.o. man, and if I was corresponding with a 21 y.o. woman I would consider it important to be honest about my age.

But this only applies if the Google search did unearth her actual age. I guess that depends on how unique her screenname is...

[slinkerwink]

52. well,

her screenname is unique, and so was her email. They both came up.

[BritishHuman]

60. One possibility I haven't seen mentioned...

She could have lied about her age in the profile that came up on Google, rather than to you.

Personally I don't think it's a huge deal. For all you know, the first thing she says when you do meet is, "I have a confession to make - I felt insecure about our age difference and fibbed a little."

[La Lioness Priyanka]

55. i know a lot of women who lie about their age (and some men)

unless i was dating this person i would not care. my friends are allowed their vanity.

[Lizz612]

56. i think you said it very well eom

[La Lioness Priyanka]

57. why thank-you

:)

[Lizz612]

58. you are quite welcome lioness

;)

[TheWizardOfMudd]

61. I'd laugh my fucking ass off

Seriously. That is weird and throws everything else out the window.

[Delano]

62. When I was about 21, I had a friend who told me he was 21...

Then one time I saw his license, which said he was 22. I can't remember his excuse, but I thought it was odd that someone at that age would lie about one lousy year. Later, it turned out that he was a total con artist, and had lied to EVERYONE about EVERYTHING!

But if it's a 43 year old woman who told you she was 36, I'd be much more lenient...

[Sapphocrat]

63. Means nothing...

Go Google me, my young friend, if you can find my real name out there (not too difficult, btw) -- you'll find my age as anywhere between 42 and 104, depending where you land.

Why? Because I purposely throw out roadblocks on sites, out of spite, that demand my birthdate; i.e., I'm both paranoid about identity theft, and pissed off about being forced to provide a birthdate (MM-DD-YYYY) just to access a site. (And sites that demand a street address get a fictitious NYC addy, right down to a valid Zip code.)

More often than not, I add three or four years to my age, or (on sites that let me get away with it) screw around completely and put down my b-date as 01-01-1900.

Pay no attention to what you discern via Google.

I really am 42, btw. DU is about the only site on the Web that has my real info. Cross my heart, etc. If you can hack into DU's database, you'll know all. :evilgrin:

IOW: Whoever it is, she may not be screwing with your head, but with somebody else's.