"Lower expectations": secret of wedded bliss????

[emad]

Newlyweds advised to lower hopes
Snip from BBC News:

The secret of a long and happy marriage appears to be not to expect too much from it.

US researchers say that, unless you have superior relationship skills, your hopes of cosy coupledom are likely to be dashed.

Far better, they say, to aim low to ensure you are not disappointed.

The key to keeping that newlywed glow appears to be forgiveness and communication.

More: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3710173.stm

I say crap! If you know it's going to be a let down, don't do it!
Forgiveness? 10% of the story, any more than that and it's doormat time.
Communication? 50%.
The rest? Sheer luck.....

[wtmusic]

1. Q: you married?

just wondering.

[emad]

4. Yes. 32 yrs.

Still going strong....

[yardwork]

5. I have to weigh in on emad's side here....

the article makes it sound like marriage should be painful, for crying out loud! I'd rather live alone than have a second job at home called "my marriage." Sure, the seashells and balloons don't last, but there's a lot of joy, passion, and laughter in a happy marriage. At least there is in mine - 20 years next month, two kids, and happier than ever.

[liberalhistorian]

11. I've heard that the best

marriages recognize the truth in the saying that, in marriage, "the joys are multiplied, the sorrows divided." Maybe someday I'll find out the truth of that for myself, SIGH.

[wtmusic]

21. lh you're the best

don't settle for anything less!

[wtmusic]

6. Percentages may vary...

Asking someone to lower their expectations seems a bit silly. Anyone who thinks marriage is going to always be a rose garden probably deserves what's coming to them.

We're 15 yrs next month

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. i agree with the statement

you cant expect one person to change your life and make all your dreams come true etc. what you can expect is a good friend and companion..

[judge_smales]

3. Maybe

Realistic expectations are what's needed.

[pagerbear]

7. That makes far too much sense

...and probably wouldn't sell as many papers or get as many web hits.

[northzax]

8. hey, it works for the freepers

lower your expectations of the President, and you can be blissful with a moran, why not a marriage as well?

[emad]

9. Freepers EXPECT to get screwed over by their Prez.

Most people don't sign up to a four year term in matrimony. Maybe all marriage licences should be renewed on an annual basis?

[liberalhistorian]

10. I wouldn't know, given

that I've never been married! I've seen enough of marriage, though, to know that it's entirely up to the people involved and how much they're willing to work on it and work WITH each other instead of AGAINST each other.

What cracks me up is that my married friends will often ask me for marital advice when they know damn well I've never been married and they know more about marriage than I do! I think maybe they just need me to listen.

[RobinA]

12. From What I've Observed Generally

Being even remotely happy in most of the marriages I see requires some seriously lowered expectations. I'm not saying that I don't know ANY happy marriages, only that I wouldn't be happy in most of the ones I see around me. The people in them don't seem that happy either, but they trudge along. Apparently there's more than meets the eye, but such relationships would turn me suicidal, homocidal, or both.

[SarahB]

13. That sums up why I've stayed married for so long

My parents had a terrible marriage (divorced each other twice!) and I went into marriage thinking "Well we get along alright, work well together, the sex is okay, what else can one expect?" I already went through this big love and heartbreak thing before and I didn't care for it much, so I was very pragmatic and practical. For a lot of years we never communicated our needs properly and certain doormat issues have come into play, but things were okay because we never raised the bar too high. Unfortunately, I hit 30 (married at 19) and my needs became more (more freedom, more intellect, more everything, and more me if that makes any sense) and it's been hard resolving the needs I have suppressed so long within our relationship. I wish I could go back to less expectations, but the metaphoric genie does not really want to go back into the bottle anymore.

edit:spelling

[Nikia]

14. That's how it is

It is less stressful for both people involved to not expect too much from each other. Some people expect their spouse to be everything for them, but for most people that is not enough. It is important for each spouse to have outside interests and friends to fullfill their additional needs.

[SarahB]

17. You are so right

You said, " It is important for each spouse to have outside interests and friends to fullfill their additional needs."

I don't think my spouse gets that and it's been an ongoing battle. I need to have a social life by myself and as a couple as well. He doesn't socialize much and usually when he does, it's with a very different crowd than I'd want to be around. It's so hard when someone expects you to be their everything and wants you to feel the same way.

[Canuckistanian]

15. It worked for my wife! n/t

[geniph]

16. A lot of people, particularly younger folks,

have absurd expectations of marriage. They expect that they will become one person, with one opinion, one voice. They'll never go anywhere separately. The other person will make them feel complete and perfectly happy and solve all their problems, and they'll do the same in return. Those are unrealistic expectations, and anyone who starts a marriage with those ideas SHOULD lower them. They are a guarantee for unhappiness.

[Xithras]

18. I call it "Happily Ever After" Syndrome

Some people get married with extremely unrealistic expectations of what married life is going to be like. I had a friend who, right after high school, married her sweetheart expecting a lifetime of happiness. They divorced four months later because they couldn't agree on the color to paint their living room...she told me: "If we can't agree on that, what can we agree on?" This poor, misguided girl has now been divorced three times at 29 and constantly harps about the lack of "good men" in the world...ignorning the fact that her own unrealistic expectations are dooming her marriages.

When people like her, people who think that marriage will be some nonstop lovefest where everyone will be happy and agree with each other all the time end up living in an uninteresting suburban tract home with 2.5 children, dead end jobs, and a sex life that can best be described as "occasionally", these marriages fall apart. They expect that their partner will bend to their wishes to keep the marriage happy, and that every night will be like their wedding night, and can't handle it when faced with reality.

Marriage is work, and keeping a marriage together requires that BOTH partners put the others feelings ahead of their own, and that both partners constantly strive to keep the marriage interesting. Without that, there is no marriage.

[BraveDave]

19. T Minus 16 days...

...and counting.

[sangh0]

20. OH!!! THE IRONY

Here I am, 45 and never married because I've never expected anything good to come from getting married. I never realized, I'd make a wonderful husband.

[Nihil]

22. I'm with you Emad ...

... but would put communication even higher.

Also, I'm not sure if it's necessarily "forgiveness" that's required - I'd
say it's more "tolerance".

Nihil
(20 years & counting)

[emad]

24. I say you have to have a bit of luck too....

and my mom always told me never underestimate the sublime magic wand of......the quickie....!

[Rabrrrrrr]

23. I think there's a lot of truth in that

I see a lot of people who get married because they it will make them happy, or make their life perfect, or solve their problems, as though the act of married had some cosmic magic attached to it.

Not true at all.

If you ain't happy going in, you won't be happy once you're in. If you don't think your partner is perfect yet but will be once the vows are taken, it ain't gonna happen.

Marriage is wondrous and beautiful and incredible, but the people have to be (for the most part) wondrous, beautiful, and incredible first.

I cringe, deep into my soul, every time someone I know is getting married because they think it will bring them the bliss they don't have now.

[Feanorcurufinwe]

25. Low expectections - the secret of bliss, period.

Married or not, if you expect too much, you'll be disappointed.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

26. I'm single, but...

whether single or married, you have to realize that there is no such thing as "happily ever after."

You may have problems in one area, and even if you solve those problems, you will inevitably find that their apparent solution throws other elements of your life out of whack.

Accepting this inevitability is part of growing up.