Angst and some questions

[ACK]

I made a little rant on smug baby boomers on another thread.

Ok, I watched SLC punk last night and saw a lot of my own experiences in it.

I began to think. Am I that much different?

I grew up in a small Southeast Ga town raised pretty much by my grandparents.

I was a white suburban punk trapped in a rural hell.

I wanted out so bad.

After college I started teaching in Atlanta. I had to go back home because I ended up in so much debt doing Substitute teaching and listening to asshole Principals laugh when I told them I was a male History teacher with no coaching experience. I was a dime a dozen trying to get in teaching Secondary Ed Social Studies.

I had the flannel and the tatoos and I hung out at the 40-watt club and I smoked the shit on the front porch of my buddies house making Low Country Boil and drinking Rolling Rock.

I wanted out again so bad.

So, I went to paralegal school thinking that I had the research experience with my history degree and ended up oddly enough getting hired doing computer tech support for a software company that made software for you guessed it lawyers.

I even met a woman I love and we got married.

We love each other and we had a child.

So, there I sat with a kid in the asshole Burbs of Atlanta hating everything about the place I lived.

Sure, I gave to progressive organizations and I fought and campaigned and did my part. Or at least I like to think I did.

Sure, I never owned the BMW but I did like Iced Lattes and could not help look back on pictures of me with spiked hair and ripped t-shirts and my old black Chucks thinking was I becoming one of those fucks I hated?

I hopped around jobs like everyone in the tech world has to right before the layoffs come down or the funding runs out. It is the way of things. But at least I like what I do. I dick around with computers and after the manager promotion went back to tech Unix Sys Admin role quick because I hated it. But still I wondered if I was becoming just another asshole.

When CNN where I worked looked like they were going to cut after the AOL merger, I jumped to Northern VA. I hated the idea but my wife was practical and right. Where the hell has the tech jobs and great school systems? Did I really want to send my kid to a private school so they could get an education?

So we moved and I worked for a defense company but in their business not weapons divisions. I still felt dirty. I hated it and I got out and work for a cable company doing work on the VoIP team as a Unix Sys Admin.

Still, I sit in a big house in Northern Va, richie territory. I still ain't got the BMW but my wife has a Volvo station wagon. I have an old Honda.

I still wear Vans and listen to hardcore punk.

But am I just another old fart sold out?

Am I just organizing and contributing to Dem and other orgs to soothe my feelings of guilt?

As I sit here I cannot say I am truly that unhappy. I have a good job, two great kids and a loving wife. I have a roof over my head. The only thing that really irks the crap out of me is the boring suburban hole I live in.

Why the fuck does it take so much money now for me to give a life to my kids that I would not feel ashamed of if I compared it to the life my grandfather gave me?

I don't know anymore.

_

[skooooo]

1. enjoyed your post....

...I don't know that I have anything to add to it. Life really just happens in little moments, and you take your path and your chances.

:-/


I don't know why everything is so expensive. Sounds like you're accomplishing a decent life despite it all.

[klook]

2. Being a decent person

is a worthy goal, one that should never be abandoned. It sounds that like most of us, you've had to make some compromises but on balance you're living a life that is positive. Providing an opportunity for your kids to grow up in a nurturing environment is one of the most important things you can do in your life. Sometimes that takes sacrifice on your and your wife's part, but if you are helping your kids and also laying the groundwork for your own future freedom, and not causing harm in the process, you're doing things right.

You might want to check out Beating the System by Larry Roth, available from Living Cheap Press. I haven't read it yet, but the author describes it this way:
"In its 317 pages you’ll discover how living cheap can help you build an income pyramid (not a pyramid scheme) that will work for you in good times and bad and allow you the freedom to live a better life, to be a better employee, or not be an employee at all."

I too have been thinking more about my life lately, and what it would take to change it in a meaningful way. Like you, I drag my butt into work every day for a company whose values often don't coincide with my own, and I make compromises to be able to feed other mouths plus my own.

More so than anything else in a long time, the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal has both sickened me and led me to search for meaning and value in life. I think it's important to value those feelings and use them as a catalyst for positive change. With nurturing, small seedlings grow into great trees.

[GOPisEvil]

3. If you didn't feel that way, I'd be worried about you.

I don't think you are an active progressive out of guilt. I think you're active because you want to be. In a sense we all do things because they make us feel better. There's nothing wrong with that. Life is about compromising while trying to remain as true to oneself as possible. I think you've done fairly well. But, if there's something you really want to change, I'd discuss with your wife, and see how she feels.