Ruminations on my mother...

[TOhioLiberal]

Since it is now Mother's day, I thought I'd tell you about my mother.

When I think about her, I feel such a sense of loss and sadness. My mother is changing and there is nothing that can be done. My mother has Alzheimer's.

I tell people that September 11, 2001 was a defining moment for me, but not necessarily for the usual reasons. That warm September day is my last clear image of the woman she once was: Warm, vibrant, loving and most of all independent.

In the nearly three years since that day, we, her children, have seen changes that are nearly heart-breaking. She is still warm and loving, but her vibrancy is gone. She has become a frail old lady. And her independence? Gone, too. Her health has declined to the point that she can no longer live alone, and none of us can afford to stop working to give her the 24 hr care she so richly deserves as our parent. So we had to place her in a nursing home. She has adapted well; but for myself there is a lingering sense of guilt. There should have been some way to keep her at home.

I love my mother, but I can hardly stand to see her at the home. I call her frequently, but I don't go to see her often. Most of the time it is to take her to appointments. So I have even more guilt...

Anyway, sorry to bring everybody down on Mother's Day.

[Spinzonner]

1. You cant do much about the Alzheimers

but you can about the guilt.

Go see her regularly. She can probably make a better connection with you in person than as a disembodied voice. And you'll see how she's being treated in the nursing home and deal with things before they become problems.

Perhaps the pain can be lessened a bit by a closer connection and a reduction of the guilt.

[TOhioLiberal]

3. Yea...guilt.

Its a real b*tch. Sometimes I think that our roles have become reversed, I am the adult and she is the child; I suppose that is normal. I will go see her today.

[Catshrink]

2. I'm so sorry Trekker...

This is a hard Mother's Day for me also. It is the first since my mom died in January. I'm feeling numb and very sad. I miss mom so much! Her best friend called and invited me to her son's home for dinner tomorrow night -- that will be good.

My dad fell and broke his hip last week. He has had a lot of difficulty coming out of the anesthesia and the morphine is still causing hallucinations. He had another surgery on Wednesday because he pulled out his catheter which caused blood clots. He is no longer the same person, in just a week. Now we need to make a decision. He's been moved to the rehab floor but what to do when he's released? We promised mom we'd take care of dad and to me that didn't mean placing him in a nursing home. A lot depends on how the rehab goes and how he is when the meds finally get out of his system.

Sorry to unload on you.... I do understand what you're going through and understand the pain and guilt you feel. It totally sucks.

[TOhioLiberal]

4. I'm sorry for your loss...

...I think it is worse than mine :pals:

[madmax]

5. Going thru similar situation

Not Alzheimer's - a stroke. :hug:

My Mom is in a nursing home, too. The guilt saps so much strength. You're are doing all you are capable of doing. Please, be kind to yourself.

[TOhioLiberal]

9. Thank you...

The kind words are appreciated.

[Rowdyboy]

6. It happens to everyone, given enough time...

As much as possible, give her yourself. Time is the only thing that matters to her at this point. You will live the rest of your life remembering what you did during this period. There is SO MUCH that I wish I could do differently for my mom but, in my case, its too late.

I was a good son, but, in retrospect, no matter how much you've done for her, you will wish you'd done more.

Bless you both. Wish there was a way to help. Just know that your pain has been shared.

[TOhioLiberal]

10. Thank you...

[NightTrain]

7. No problem, TL! I'm feeling down anyway.

Factor in my recent problems with the fact that I've had no mother for ten years now, and I hardly expect to be chipper on Mother's Day anyway.... :(

[TOhioLiberal]

11. Thanks NT...

I'm sorry you don't have your mom anymore. :hug:

on edit--and a lighter note..
I like 'TL'...think I'll use it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

8. I can't imagine how difficult that must be

for all of you, including your mother.

Do you have a support group nearby that can help you through this difficult time? If not, there must surely be some online group.

As painful as it must be to visit her, I think it's so important for you to make the time to do so. She may not be the mom you remember, but she's still a human being, and she's still the one who brought you into the world.

Try not to grasp too tightly the memory of who she was, and accept her and love her for who she is now. She did the same for you when you moved from infancy to toddlerhood, through the elementary school years and puberty.

Blessings to you and your family... :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

12. She is still the light of my life...

its just...hard.

[Rowdyboy]

13. God, mom went through 17 separate hospitalizations during her

next to the last year. In her final 8 months (when she lived with Michael and me) she was only hospitalized 2 or 3 times. Love makes SUCH a difference its incredible.