2 JOKES - Rated R

[Booberdawg]

One for the women
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap.

Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.



One for the men
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."

[Submariner]

1. The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

[UrbScotty]

4. LOL LOL LOL!

ROTFLMGDAO

[Pale Blue Dot]

2. The 2nd one... LOL

I'm so ashamed.

[Deja Q]

3. The 'for the lades' joke was better!

Much wittier. :D Thanks!

[alfredo]

5. An oldie, but goodie.

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for
her birthday.

She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the
results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand
to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl, "How old
do you think I am?"

"I guess about 29.

"The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She
stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She
goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.

The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to
tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward,
but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until
curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the heck ... go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under
her bra and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay,
okay, that's enough! How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible . . . how could You possibly know that
from a feel of my breasts?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at
McDonald's!"

[booksenkatz]

6. I preferred the one for the men

In fact I laughed until I cried, because that is certainly the precise way my dh would think!

Lord.

[never cry wolf]

7. 3 of my favorites

maybe a bit, uh, different.
--------
A man walks into a bar, dressed as a pirate with a steering wheel coming out of his fly.

The bartender says, "Hey, why do you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"

The pirate responds, "Arggghhhh, it's drivin me nuts."
--------
A snail slithers into a bar late one night and orders a beer.

The bartender says to himself, "Not tonight, it's been a rough night, I sure as hell don't need some talking snail!!" So he picked up the snail and threw it across the street.

Four years later, same bar, same bartender, snail slithers back in and screams, "Hey, Whacha do that for!!!!"
--------
Why don't cannibals eat clowns??

They taste funny!!
--------

Bah Dum Dum

[Booberdawg]

8. *groan*

;-)

[THUNDER HANDS]

9. LOL

"Arggghhhh, it's drivin' me nuts"....CLASSIC!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[never cry wolf]

10. They all seem to translate better verbally

n/t